Is your child a bully? If so, you must work to STOP IT NOW

What is (almost) worse than finding out your child is being bullied? Finding out your child is the bully and, perhaps, even the ringleader. If this is your child, you MUST address it quickly and decisively because that is just NOT ok. And child bullies grow up to become teen bullies and adult bullies. Nip that in the bud. Here is my latest via Divorced Moms.

Help, My Child Is A Bully. 10 Steps To Ending It NOW
by Lizzy Smith                    

June 12, 2015

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I have nightmares about my children becoming the victims of a bully. But what does a mom do when she finds out that her child is doing the bullying?

Years ago when my daughter was three years old and in pre school, one of her teachers told me that she targeted a boy in her class, "James," and bit him. Hard. I was horrified. Apparently she wasn't very nice to James and it was going on for some time. The teacher felt she was managing it ok until my daughter resorted to violence. I drove the whole way home in near silence. I was too angry to speak and trying to decide how to handle it. I had an epiphany.

First, the conversation. "Did you bite James?"

"Yes."

"Why?" I asked.

"I don't know," she responded.

"Do you think that's a good choice?"

"No."

At this point, I'm wondering if this entire exchange is over her head.

"What is your favorite toy?" I asked. It took her a few minutes to pick out an electronic game. "You are giving it to James tomorrow."

She didn't like that and cried for a solid hour. The next day, I was there when she handed her beloved toy to James and apologized. It never happened again.

If there's one thing I absolutely want tolerate from my children is bullying. If I find out they are the target, it won't be pretty for the offenders, I can assure you that. But if I find out my daughters are dishing it out, it won't be any better for them.

So what's a mom to do if we find out our child is perpetuating bullying?

1. Lead By Example
First, make sure that you are kind to those around you. I've known quite a few women, in the workplace, church, neighborhood and various social circles, who are incredibly mean to one another. You'd think as adults, we would know better but this is apparently not the case. So if you don't want your child to mistreat others, make sure you're not doing it either. Talking behind one another's backs (especially when in earshot of our kids) is a no. Ganging up on others? Again, another no. General cattiness? Do your best to STOP. I'm not saying I like everyone around me, in fact I really don't. But in those really extreme cases (like you find out a "friend" is sleeping with another friend's husband), keep that information away from your children. Pattern good behavior in front of your children.

2. Define Bullying
There may be a chance that your child isn't aware that they are a bully. Explain what bullying is, why it is hurtful, and how to stop it. Teach them how to stand up for another child, even if it's difficult.

3. Talk To Your Child
Have a long talk with your children to find out why the bullying is going on. Is he the ringleader of the bullying or a follower? Is your child afraid to stick up for the other child? You must find out the reasons why your child is bullying, regardless of their age. The better you can understand, the better chance you have of ending it. If there are a group of children bullying another child, ask to speak to their parents. Together, you can perhaps come up with solutions.

4. Set Expectations (A "Zero Tolerance" policy is a great idea)
You must do your best to nip this behavior in the bud. Let them know you won't tolerate the behavior and it must end immediately. Point out the real consequences on victim's lives.

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Utah girl gets nearly booted from school dance for "naughty" dress, then gets cyberbullied by students. How do we teach our kids to give bullies the middle finger?

I just couldn't leave the whole Lone Peak High School "dress" controversy alone. I wrote an article about it via Divorced Moms.

Becoming Bully Proof: How To Help Our Children Get A Thick Skin
by Lizzy Smith                    

February 06, 2015

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I live in Utah, a very conservative bastion of religious conservatives. A few weeks ago, a girl named Gabi made national headlines because some chaperons at a Lone Peak High School dance determined that she was dressed immodestly (she was showing too much shoulder) and she could either wear a coat or go home. (Gabi is pictured to the right wearing the dress and shoes in question. Seriously, I want that dress!!! But I digress.) Feeling humiliated in front of her date and not wanting to go home, she went out to her car and wore a winter coat throughout the entire dance, finally covered enough to satisfy the gatekeepers. Someone at the dance took a photo and posted it on a social media site and it went viral.

The next thing you know, Gabi was on local news programs, and then many national news outlets, including People magazine. In this heavily religious community, many defended the chaperons' decisions, noting that school rules required that straps be at least two inches in width and where was a ruler showing that those straps truly were two inches wide? And rules are rules, thank goodness for modesty because there needs to be standards and immodest girls tempt boys and lead to all the problems in the world. Others pointed out that Gabi looked beautiful and it was outrageous that a dress like this one would get anyone barred from a school activity.

A week later, my boyfriend and I went to that same high school for a basketball game. I wasn't even thinking about "dance-gate." About 30-minutes into the game, I noticed several girls who were dressed in 1950's-style dresses showing lots of shoulders and back. I started laughing and pointed it out, "Look, protestors for that girl who got kicked out of the dance." We laughed and thought it bold, awesome and creative.

And then I realized that those girls weren't protestors. They were the dance team of Lone Peak High School wearing school-approved attire that was far more "immodest" than Abby's dress. Wow. If there is one thing that gets under my skin like no other, it's hypocrisy-- especially on the heels of "the great Lone Peak High School controversy." And one in which its principal, Rhonda Bromley, defended that decision. (Honestly, I think the dancers' dresses are fine, and I think Gabi's dress is beautiful, demure and beyond ok for a high school dance, too.)

I took to Facebook and posted the photos I took at the basketball game. Most of my friends and followers thought the entire episode nuts. Yet some thought that the dancers were ok (it was a "sporting event") and Gabi a rule-breaker and her mother ought to be blamed for allowing her daughter to wear a dress like that.

I eventually started private messaging Gabi's mother, who I did not know prior to this first contact. She shared with me that Gabi was being bullied from some students. Gabi was called her a media-whore who just wanted attention, to get famous, and get on TV and in magazines. Gabi felt shamed and awful about the whole thing and so did her mom.

Lovely. I love religious piety (not).

Which got me to thinking about bullying. Growing up, there were students who were bullied. Some kids, for whatever reason, were picked on, beat up and teased. Oftentimes, there was no apparent reason behind it other than, well, "luck." And during seventh grade, I felt a little of that, too. I somehow lost almost all of my friends (I don't even know why) and spent a very lonely year almost alone, trying to hide in the bathrooms at lunch because my only friend, Virginia, might not have been at school that day. It was awful. But at least back then, in order to bully someone, you had to do it in person, usually with an audience watching. These days, thanks to social media, it's easy to anonymously bully. Plus, it's easy to say things in the cyber-world that one might never have the guts to say in person. I think bullying is intense and getting worse.

My then 13-year old daughter was the target of bullying last summer. I allowed her to get a second ear piercing and that, apparently, was not ok in these parts. She got anonymous messages on AskFM accusing her of being bad and not loving Jesus. Some told her no boy would ever like her and she was ugly and stupid because of that piercing. It was disturbing and disgusting.

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Staycation from home! How we're celebrating Thanksgiving week right from home

My latest via Divorced Moms. How to fill up Thanksgiving week since we're homebound. I've never been one to simply do nothing, after all. And thanks to my few weeks' break from myeloma treatments, I'm feeling quite well. Sooner than later, however, I'll be getting my fuzziness and fatigue back but until then... hooray!!!

Home For Thanksgiving Week? Plan A Staycation At Home!
by Lizzy Smith                    

November 18, 2014

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For the first time in, like, forever, Thanksgiving week is coming and we have no plans whatsoever. No trips, no visitors, and a whole five days of no school. I’m so dang excited, let me tell you. No structure, no homework packets, or after school shuttling to endless activities, and no “hard” bedtimes. Hooray! But since I’m not one to “hang out” at home, what to do, what to do...

So I’ve decided to do a staycation right here at home. I made a list of options and I’ll let the girls decide what we’ll do each day. So if you’re not going somewhere or not already locked into major commitments, try thinking outside the box and do something different, unique and fun during the week, right in your own backyard. The important thing is that we do it together and bond.

Hang GlidingA few weeks ago, I treated myself to my first-ever hang gliding experience for my birthday. It was spectacularly fun, amazing and memorable. I asked my instructor for age limits and he told me that a few months prior, they took a 106-year old woman! (Oh, Lord, please let me be that fun and adventurous in my old(er) age like that.) Nonetheless, my children meet the age restrictions so this one made our list. Weather permitting, we're doing it.

Game DayGame Day will include bowling, laser tag, and miniature golf, followed by lunch or dinner someplace we’ve never been trying a new cuisine. I pick Indian food but they get the final decision.

SkiingHere in Salt Lake City, most of the nearby ski resorts open this weekend-- hooray! I just went through all their ski stuff and minus a couple of minor items, they’re ready to go. One day next week, I’m putting them both in ski school for a day of refresher training (which means I get a day to myself!), fresh air, and loads of fresh vitamin D.

Bikram YogaI am a huge fan of Bikram yoga-- 90 minutes in a room heated to 104-degrees. It is one of the things that helped me heal from cancer treatments and divorce (which I did simultaneously). My 14-year old can go with me and we’ll do at least one class that week.

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Divorced Moms: The Chore List: Teaching My Daughters To Pitch In

My latest on Divorced Moms. And it's all about my sweet daughters.

The Chore List: Teaching My Daughters To Pitch In
by Lizzy Smith         

October 31, 2014

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Last week, my daughter called me in a panic. She had a soccer game and her uniform was dirty.

"Put it in the washer," I said.

"I don't know how!" she was nearly in tears.

Lovely, at age 14, she literally didn't know how to use the washer or dryer.

My fabulous daughters, God bless 'em, have almost no concept on what it means to run a home. They believe that clean clothes magically appear in their closet and drawers, food simply grows in the refrigerator, and that angels come in the middle of the night to clean the house. And, quite frankly, I am sick of it. But, really, whose fault is that? Mine. I haven't taught them, nor have I expected them to do anything. And certainly, there were no consequences if they didn't do a thing. So I went on an official quest to teach them some valuable lessons about chores and pitching in.

The reality is that giving my daughters chores is far more work that it was worth. When I asked them to do anything, they complained and argued and made a mess that I had to clean up anyway. My younger daughter actually loves to help but she is super klutzy, so I have been afraid to let her do much of anything. It was time that I got over it and simply allowed mistakes to happen. After all, they'll get better and more proficient at their chores if I simply back off and allow them to do it and hold them accountable. And some day, it will save me loads of time if I get help around the house. After all, doing it all myself is exhausting (not to mention, thankless).

So I made a handy list of things they can (and should) do around the house and divided it up between the two of them. I put their assignments on the refrigerator door and if they don't have a good week of doing their chores, they don't get their allowance.

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Divorced Moms: Learning to love my body just the way it is

From Divorced Moms.

Learning To Love My Body Just The Way It Is
by Lizzy Smith                    

October 09, 2014

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My 14 year old daughter, Morgan, is done growing. I took her to the pediatrician and we did a bone scan so I make this statement with authority. She is 4 feet 11 inches tall. A mini. And she is gorgeous. Not only is she physically beautiful, but she is wise, funny, kind and thoughtful, too. She's also wiser than I am much of the time and I really look up to her (ok, since I'm 5 feet 8 inches tall, I literally look down on her but I look up to her wisdom, if you follow me).

For the past year or so, Morgan lamented over her height. She so badly wanted to be five feet tall at least. We even did a little research on taking growth hormones. The risks, we determined, weren't worth it. Plus once we went to the pediatrician and did the bone scan, it was too late anyway. The bones had fused and forevermore, she was going to be whatever height she was meant to be. No tweaking what nature intended.

Morgan was born in Russia. Her birth weight was under five pounds and she went full term. Her birth mother relinquished custody right there in the hospital. For the next year, Morgan spent most of her time in a hospital fighting off pneumonia and whooping cough. So, really, she didn't have a lot of opportunity to catch up on weight. When she was placed in the orphanage, I am told that she wasn't a big eater and was overwhelmed by her surroundings, especially during meal and snack time. She quickly developed a habit of putting food in her mouth and simply sucking on it for as long as it would hold up. When I met Morgan and adopted her, she was 26 months old and weighed 19-1/2 pounds. She was so cute and, well, tiny. And today, she is still cute and tiny.

Morgan gets teased a lot about her size. But as far as I can tell, it is all in gest-- no bullying. She is called Tiny, Mini, and Munchkin by her friends. Yesterday, she read to me a post she sent on via Instagram: I am tiny and I love it. I breathe less oxygen, my Uggs cost less, and I can wear any heals I want without being taller than a guy. I love my size! The response was overwhelming. Her friends loved her post! One cute boy said, "What, you're small? I never noticed. hahaha."

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And we're off to a great start!

The last day of our summer, or at least the last day of our summer before the girls started school, went fabulously busy. I took Morgan to soccer at 7:30 in the morning (gross) and hit up Starbucks and wrote my Divorced Moms article while sipping coffee and trying to wake up. I was so incredibly tired that I wanted to curl up into a ball and go back to sleep. Alas, the largest coffee Starbucks sold perked me up.

Afterwards, I dropped off Morgan and picked up Siena and went to the Post Office to renew her passport, which expired in March. I absolutely hate renewing passports so ecstatic that I crossed that off my list.

I picked up Morgan and the three of us girls went out to lunch. I took Morgan to get her hair extensions (love)...


 and Siena and I made dinner. From scratch. Yum!


We packed lunches, the girls took showers, picked out clothes for Day 1 of school, assembled backpacks, and went to bed at a reasonable hour. I snuggled up with both of them to chat and say goodnight. It was awesome and please, Lord, during the school year, let most days be like that one.

It was seriously a busy, errand-filled, yet perfect day. This morning, I got up early, made a healthy breakfast for the girls and got them off to carpool...


and got to my photo shoot right on time (here I am driving to the studio).


I met up with Jenny, my fellow myeloma warrior, and we talked up all kinds of stuff about the myeloma world. I "met" on Facebook another myeloma warrior who runs marathons. He was a runner when he was diagnosed. It was one of his first symptoms-- not being able to fun and getting too easily winded (me too!). While he was in the midst of transplant and was hospitalized, he dragged himself out of bed and walked stairs and hallways because he couldn't run outside. Since then, he walked and made it to running, albeit slowly. OMG, I want to run again SO BADLY. Maybe he can be my mentor and HELP ME. Power walks are NOT the same as running! I have an interview scheduled with him tomorrow evening. I will write an article about this amazing man. Afterwards, I am rushing off for a date with "Butterfly Man." Not to talk him up too much because who knows? Maybe I won't like him all that much, but so far, he has helped awakening my amorous side. For that, I adore him.

And soon it's off to get Siena to bed. If I could only bottle up her energy. She has the energy of ten two-year-old children, God Bless Her.


And that's all for now. This myeloma warrior is feeling terrific today, thank goodness. After a tough Friday, Saturday and Sunday, I deserve it. 

My amazing parenting skills last night

Last night, my Dear Morgan really pissed me off. First, we spent a really fun day at the new Aquarium. It wasn't cheap. $50 to get in plus we got lunch. We had a great time together.

We got home, I cooked up some dinner, and then I reminded Morgan that we had to pack her up for Youth Camp (she left this morning). She was in her room lying on her bed. I pulled out a sleeping bag, pillow, water bottle. There was Morgan, still lying on her bed.

"Morgan, I want to be done tonight soon, too, and I can't do it if we don't pack you up," I said.

"I know, Mom, I've got it, I've got it," she said in that 14 year old snotty voice.

That set me off (and I'm not even taking Dex until tomorrow!). "And you need to vacuum. I've asked you every single day for a week."

"I've been busy," she said in protest.

"You've been busy? You wake up at noon, you're not ever ready until two in the afternoon. And you have no time to vacuum?" I was seething. "Pack yourself up NOW and vacuum pronto. You're on your own."

"Fine, I've got it, I've got it."

"Give me your cell phone," I said. She handed it over. "Don't even ask me for it until Sunday. It's mine. You are taking Siena's phone with you to camp as a backup. I'm not taking you to Subway to pick up lunch for tomorrow. And I'm not taking you anywhere to get snacks for the drive tomorrow. Pack your own stuff up."

At this point, Morgan thought better than to open her Big Fat Mouth and challenge me anymore. Tw hours later, Morgan asked if we could talk. She didn't know why she was mouthy. She didn't mean to be. Can't I be like (my BFFs) Julie and Shane who just yell at their kids and then don't carry through on any of their consequences?

Gosh no! I am a parent. Good parents give their kids consequences and they don't back off.

And then 30 minutes later, I told Morgan in my very big Lizzy Stern Voice, "Get your shoes on and get in the car." She was surprised. Oh no, now what? I could see it in her eyes. We got in my car, I stopped by her friend's house and called her mom to send her out. When Shelby was in the car, I told them that I was taking them to Walmart and they had $11 to buy snacks for the next day so plan together and buy wisely. Yay! They were so excited. We stopped by Starbucks and got their new hand-crafted sodas (yum), and then I dropped Shelby off at home. I then gave Morgan an option: sleep with me since it was our last night together for three days and get her phone back, or sleep in her own bed and take Siena's basic phone with her.

Really? Morgan almost shouted for joy. We watched TV, talked in bed, and bonded. It was a fun end of the evening.

Hey, I did not get her Subway for lunch the next day. Instead I made her a lunch. I did stay firm on one consequence, right?

Yes, consistency is not my strong point as a parent. I'm a total push-over. Any my kids know it.

Bad Mom, I am.

Summer Dreamin'

Where has the summer gone? I am dreading the end of it. No, let it stay forever! This has been this best summer in such a long time.

First, of course, there was the trip to Italy, Switzerland, Greece, Turkey and Croatia. I've already written about that extensively.

Second, there was the trip to Southern California where I got to hang out with my very best friends in the whole entire world. On that trip, I also got to reconnect with a very special California friend, which I will leave private (for now). I got to feel surrounded by love and happiness. On the trip, I took lots of power walks with Julie, slept a lot, read a fascinating book, Zealot, which is a fresh take on Jesus, the historical Jesus, not the religious Jesus. Jesus of Nazareth. Wow, what an eye opener.

We also met up with my rockin' awesome former step daughter, Kalie. The girls loved seeing their sister. They love her and miss her. Me, too! After lunch, Kalie and I hung out for a good hour catching up. To think that we had a rough go of it initially is just unfathonable to me because, despite the fact that I'm old enough to be her mom, I find her incredibly smart, wise, and intuitive. I wish I had been that smart at her age. Instead, I was stupid and worried more about partying than anything else. What a waste of time.



We went to Knotts Berry Farm because we have annual passes.

We went swimming a lot. And Morgan's friend, Kiley, who was once our next door neighbor, stayed with us for four days.

We went to Venice Beach. Always entertaining!

My friend, Katherine, and her two daughters came to California, too.


And we went to Big Bear. And Vegas. When we left Vegas, it was 115 degrees outside. Scorcher! While In Vegas, I went to Hell (aka the M&M Store) at Siena's insistence.

Interestingly enough, while in California, my sore eyes weren't sore anymore. My spine, which oddly enough experiences two stabbing pains per day, and has been that way for two solid years, disappeared. Was it the sun? Love? Peace? Good karma? What? So the Big Question is... Do we move after I'm done with my two years of maintenance therapy? Because we can do anything I want to. And that is exciting.

I met up with my old college roomies, Jen and Susan. I saw Susan last year for the first time in about 25 years. The last time I saw Jen was when Morgan and I flew to San Francisco for less than 24 hours so I could get Morgan's Russian passport renewed at the Russian consolate. With her Russian passport in hand, Morgan was able to travel with me and Rob's mom, Peggy, to Moscow to pick up Siena from the orphanage. Hanging out with Susan and Jen was awesome. Despite all these years, it's like no time has past. I love them forever. We have strong ties that bind us. (Side note: I colored my hair really blond. I think I like it.)

But the summer isn't over. Julie and Shane will be here in a few days. Emmy will be here a week later and we'll meet up with Susan again. We're heading up to Jackson Hole. And who knows? I think there may be at least one more surprise visitor.

Because we have no structure these days, Morgan and I have gotten in the habit of watching NCI Miami reruns until 1AM. Sometimes we fall asleep on the couch. Siena doesn't get out of the water. She's become really good friends with Katherine's son, Gavynn. They stay very busy. Tomorrow while Katherine and I meet up for lunch with another friend, we're dropping off the kids at the Discovery Museum at Thanksgiving Point. That'll give us time to go shopping after lunch. Retail therapy with the girlfriends is always fun.

Soon enough, we will have to get back to school and structure and deadlines, bedtimes, and homeword. I AM NOT READY FOR IT. Until then, I will continue reveling in the warmth of summer.

 

Latest Divorced Moms column: An Interview With My (Very Smart) Teen Daughter

My latest Divorced Moms column is out!

An Interview With My (Very Smart) Teen Daughter

March 31, 2014 

By Lizzy Smith                            

Girls and middle school are a bad mix. They can be so vicious and catty to each other that it boggles the mind. I remember those years all too well and, yikes. And now that I have a teen daughter of my own (and another on her heels), just watching her try to navigate these difficult years gives me nightmares. I’m doing my best to crawl inside her head and understand what’s going on in there so I can be a better mom. How do I motivate her, help her, support her, and keep her safe?

In general, we are really close. We talk a lot, spend loads of time together, and I try to listen. I do my best not to lecture and preach. I want her to know that, no matter what, I will always be her biggest ally, fan and champion.

As I was talking to a friend about parenting and teens, I had a thought. Why don’t I ask my daughter what she thinks we parents ought to know. Since I think she is smart and insightful, she is my subject matter expert. So I wrote out a list of questions and handed it to her with a pen. She said she loved filling it out. I thought I’d share.

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