Is your child a bully? If so, you must work to STOP IT NOW

What is (almost) worse than finding out your child is being bullied? Finding out your child is the bully and, perhaps, even the ringleader. If this is your child, you MUST address it quickly and decisively because that is just NOT ok. And child bullies grow up to become teen bullies and adult bullies. Nip that in the bud. Here is my latest via Divorced Moms.

Help, My Child Is A Bully. 10 Steps To Ending It NOW
by Lizzy Smith                    

June 12, 2015

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I have nightmares about my children becoming the victims of a bully. But what does a mom do when she finds out that her child is doing the bullying?

Years ago when my daughter was three years old and in pre school, one of her teachers told me that she targeted a boy in her class, "James," and bit him. Hard. I was horrified. Apparently she wasn't very nice to James and it was going on for some time. The teacher felt she was managing it ok until my daughter resorted to violence. I drove the whole way home in near silence. I was too angry to speak and trying to decide how to handle it. I had an epiphany.

First, the conversation. "Did you bite James?"

"Yes."

"Why?" I asked.

"I don't know," she responded.

"Do you think that's a good choice?"

"No."

At this point, I'm wondering if this entire exchange is over her head.

"What is your favorite toy?" I asked. It took her a few minutes to pick out an electronic game. "You are giving it to James tomorrow."

She didn't like that and cried for a solid hour. The next day, I was there when she handed her beloved toy to James and apologized. It never happened again.

If there's one thing I absolutely want tolerate from my children is bullying. If I find out they are the target, it won't be pretty for the offenders, I can assure you that. But if I find out my daughters are dishing it out, it won't be any better for them.

So what's a mom to do if we find out our child is perpetuating bullying?

1. Lead By Example
First, make sure that you are kind to those around you. I've known quite a few women, in the workplace, church, neighborhood and various social circles, who are incredibly mean to one another. You'd think as adults, we would know better but this is apparently not the case. So if you don't want your child to mistreat others, make sure you're not doing it either. Talking behind one another's backs (especially when in earshot of our kids) is a no. Ganging up on others? Again, another no. General cattiness? Do your best to STOP. I'm not saying I like everyone around me, in fact I really don't. But in those really extreme cases (like you find out a "friend" is sleeping with another friend's husband), keep that information away from your children. Pattern good behavior in front of your children.

2. Define Bullying
There may be a chance that your child isn't aware that they are a bully. Explain what bullying is, why it is hurtful, and how to stop it. Teach them how to stand up for another child, even if it's difficult.

3. Talk To Your Child
Have a long talk with your children to find out why the bullying is going on. Is he the ringleader of the bullying or a follower? Is your child afraid to stick up for the other child? You must find out the reasons why your child is bullying, regardless of their age. The better you can understand, the better chance you have of ending it. If there are a group of children bullying another child, ask to speak to their parents. Together, you can perhaps come up with solutions.

4. Set Expectations (A "Zero Tolerance" policy is a great idea)
You must do your best to nip this behavior in the bud. Let them know you won't tolerate the behavior and it must end immediately. Point out the real consequences on victim's lives.

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Utah girl gets nearly booted from school dance for "naughty" dress, then gets cyberbullied by students. How do we teach our kids to give bullies the middle finger?

I just couldn't leave the whole Lone Peak High School "dress" controversy alone. I wrote an article about it via Divorced Moms.

Becoming Bully Proof: How To Help Our Children Get A Thick Skin
by Lizzy Smith                    

February 06, 2015

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I live in Utah, a very conservative bastion of religious conservatives. A few weeks ago, a girl named Gabi made national headlines because some chaperons at a Lone Peak High School dance determined that she was dressed immodestly (she was showing too much shoulder) and she could either wear a coat or go home. (Gabi is pictured to the right wearing the dress and shoes in question. Seriously, I want that dress!!! But I digress.) Feeling humiliated in front of her date and not wanting to go home, she went out to her car and wore a winter coat throughout the entire dance, finally covered enough to satisfy the gatekeepers. Someone at the dance took a photo and posted it on a social media site and it went viral.

The next thing you know, Gabi was on local news programs, and then many national news outlets, including People magazine. In this heavily religious community, many defended the chaperons' decisions, noting that school rules required that straps be at least two inches in width and where was a ruler showing that those straps truly were two inches wide? And rules are rules, thank goodness for modesty because there needs to be standards and immodest girls tempt boys and lead to all the problems in the world. Others pointed out that Gabi looked beautiful and it was outrageous that a dress like this one would get anyone barred from a school activity.

A week later, my boyfriend and I went to that same high school for a basketball game. I wasn't even thinking about "dance-gate." About 30-minutes into the game, I noticed several girls who were dressed in 1950's-style dresses showing lots of shoulders and back. I started laughing and pointed it out, "Look, protestors for that girl who got kicked out of the dance." We laughed and thought it bold, awesome and creative.

And then I realized that those girls weren't protestors. They were the dance team of Lone Peak High School wearing school-approved attire that was far more "immodest" than Abby's dress. Wow. If there is one thing that gets under my skin like no other, it's hypocrisy-- especially on the heels of "the great Lone Peak High School controversy." And one in which its principal, Rhonda Bromley, defended that decision. (Honestly, I think the dancers' dresses are fine, and I think Gabi's dress is beautiful, demure and beyond ok for a high school dance, too.)

I took to Facebook and posted the photos I took at the basketball game. Most of my friends and followers thought the entire episode nuts. Yet some thought that the dancers were ok (it was a "sporting event") and Gabi a rule-breaker and her mother ought to be blamed for allowing her daughter to wear a dress like that.

I eventually started private messaging Gabi's mother, who I did not know prior to this first contact. She shared with me that Gabi was being bullied from some students. Gabi was called her a media-whore who just wanted attention, to get famous, and get on TV and in magazines. Gabi felt shamed and awful about the whole thing and so did her mom.

Lovely. I love religious piety (not).

Which got me to thinking about bullying. Growing up, there were students who were bullied. Some kids, for whatever reason, were picked on, beat up and teased. Oftentimes, there was no apparent reason behind it other than, well, "luck." And during seventh grade, I felt a little of that, too. I somehow lost almost all of my friends (I don't even know why) and spent a very lonely year almost alone, trying to hide in the bathrooms at lunch because my only friend, Virginia, might not have been at school that day. It was awful. But at least back then, in order to bully someone, you had to do it in person, usually with an audience watching. These days, thanks to social media, it's easy to anonymously bully. Plus, it's easy to say things in the cyber-world that one might never have the guts to say in person. I think bullying is intense and getting worse.

My then 13-year old daughter was the target of bullying last summer. I allowed her to get a second ear piercing and that, apparently, was not ok in these parts. She got anonymous messages on AskFM accusing her of being bad and not loving Jesus. Some told her no boy would ever like her and she was ugly and stupid because of that piercing. It was disturbing and disgusting.

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