Why this divorced mom & cancer thriver works out (and you should too)

My latest via Divorced Moms. Enjoy! Now go out for a run (or a yoga class)...

Hugs, Lizzy

Why Every Divorced Mom Should Be Working Out 

by Lizzy Smith 

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March 30, 2016

In 2012, I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma (a blood cancer) and immediately left my alcoholic husband. I knew there wasn't a chance in hell that I could ever fight my disease and heal while in an emotionally abusive environment. My daughters and I moved two states away and in with my parents. Never before did I feel the almost primal need to be cared for by my mom and dad. Here I was, 44 years old and I just needed  unconditional love and safety-- a haven. 

I immediately entered treatment, receiving high dose chemotherapy and two stem cell transplants. I also filed for divorce, which turned out to be an extremely high conflict one. In between my stem cell transplants (words cannot describe how hard this treatment is, physically and emotionally), my doctor said I could take a vacation. I almost started crying when he said that. It was a sign that I was still a human, not just a cancer patient and a single mom going through a divorce. I decided to completely cut-off from doctors and attorneys and re-charge. I purchased flex Amtrak tickets and we departed from Salt Lake City in the middle of the night. First stop: Chicago-- an 18-hour trek. I brought along electric blankets and travel pillows. We settled into our seats and slept. When I woke up, I felt tired and “strange,” dizzy. I watched a few movies, read, ate lunch in the dining car, and took long naps.

We arrived in Chicago to sweltering heat and humidity. Intense fatigue and weakness set in. But sitting in our hotel was not an option for me. I was going to push beyond my comfort level and enjoy my trip. For the next 17-days, we toured Chicago, Washington, DC and New York City. And I discovered something really surprising: When I was resting, I felt awful. But when I was up and about, those symptoms nearly vanished. Here I was, just weeks post stem cell transplant and I was walking in extreme heat and humidity (temps were 110-degrees and higher) at least ten miles per day, and enjoying it.

When we got back home, I started preparing for my next transplant. It was also time to start responding to some of the filings my ex had sent along. Big breath. I could no longer ignore life, it was time to face reality again.

The thing is-- I needed to get strong for all kinds of reasons. I needed to heal from my broken marriage, and from the trauma of divorce. I knew I needed to be strong if I was going to beat cancer and win in the divorce process (at the same time, no less!). As hard as it was, that healing meant working out. As weak and as sick as I was, I needed to start somewhere, even if it was one tiny step at a time. One day at a time. Sometimes, a minute at a time. Allowing tears and anger, yes. And then getting up, moving, and kicking fatigue, sadness and side-effects in the ass.

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When life let's you down, then what? Make a new one or find happiness in the one you've got

My latest via Divorced Moms! This is a subject very close to my heart-- finding joy, purpose and meaning. Yes, it is THAT important!

Letting Go Of The Life You Had & Embracing A Better Version

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by Lizzy Smith for Divorced Moms

September 21, 2015

I knew from a young age what "success" would look like. It included a husband, a couple kids, a few dogs, a great career, life in a city near a major airport, a nice car and travel. I worked very hard to achieve that. During that time, I think that many of my friends, co-workers and neighbors thought I had it all. I had the husband, two beautiful daughters, a very good job, a beautiful home, two dogs (a lab named Bear and a husky named Pushkin), a vacation home in the mountains, and loads of cool trips. But there were days I would look at my life, totally baffled. How did I end up with this? And why did none of it make me happy? Because after the front door was closed in my beautiful San Diego neighborhood and the children were tucked in bed, and I had a chance to sit on the diving board of my back yard pool with killer views of the city lights off in the distance, I had time to take a good hard look at my reality. And it was this:

-My awesome hubby was passed out drunk in bed

-I still had dishes to put away

-I had loads of work I brought home with me that needed to get done

-I needed to put away piles of laundry

-The dogs still needed their walk

-I was overworked

-I loved my daughters more than anything in the entire world but I had no time to enjoy them

-I detested my husband. There were some nights I would stare at him while he slept/was passed out drunk and I realize that maybe I hated him

-My job did not inspire me one tiny bit. In fact, I felt it a professional wasteland

-Unbeknownst to me yet, I had cancer growing in my body

-My beautiful home, if you looked closely, needed more work than I could wrap my head around. Like the pristine, sparking swimming pool needed to be drained and completely redone. It was like my marriage-- at a glance, it was awesome; look closely, and it was ugly and broken. I did not have the money or energy to fix it

How did I work so hard to achieve a life I hated? Was it possible in middle age to reverse course?

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Divorce is tough, but WE are tougher! Chicks Unhitched retreat -- let's get our groove back

I am so excited! In just a few weeks  (Sept 20-25), I will be heading out to the beautiful North Carolina mountains (Fontana Lake) for five glorious days to attend a Chicks Unhitched (www.chicksunhitched.com) retreat! Yours truly will be a featured speaker at this event where we strong women will get our groove back. If you would like to join me there, it's just $750 per person for five days, which includes lodging, meals, and all kinds of activities and classes to help us move forward in powerful, new ways. This is right up my alley. (The caveat is this: It is $750 per person if you bring a friend-- it is a 2-for-1 special, so it is $1,500 per person. Bring a friend and divide that. I am flying into Knoxville, Tennessee and it is about an hour's drive from there.) Anyway, here are details of the retreat. You'll be ready to pack your bags after reading this:

Ready to discover your authentic self and start living a better than you ever imagined? Chicks Unhitched is a 5-day mind & body makeover designed to launch you out of the rut & into the world of lively reawakening.  Beautiful natural locations provide the inspiration;  we provide the skills and tools to help you move forward with confidence, courage and grace.   Come by yourself or with a girlfriend!

Whether you’re newly unwed or just stuck in a rut, no matter your age or your interests, Chicks Unhitched is all about feeling, looking and living your best—starting right now.

Divorce was tough... You are tougher!

Why settle for suffering and self-induced emotional turmoil, when you can give yourself (and others) so much more? Suffering is optional!!

With the support of Chicks Unhitched coaches, various experts, and fellow guests, we'll give  you the tools you need to move forward.   Guided through life-skills sessions, yoga (the best medicine!), healthy eating, and new challenges, we'll help you find your confidence again- and create a plan for your future.  Want a post-worthy photo doing something you (or your friends) never thought you would dare to try?  Now is your chance!

If you want to move on & start fresh, but just need a good kick in the tail feathers to get started- That's just what you'll get with Chicks Unhitched, an inspiring, unforgettable mind & body makeover.  The life-changing program will take you out of the rut and into the realm of lively reawakening with the ideal blend of healthy exercise and mental nurturing.

The program includes:

• Unique accommodations in a beautiful, natural setting
• Spa services
• Life Skills sessions with our Chick's Unhitched experts- sharing our "CXHX Toolkit", to keep you looking & feeling great long after the program ends.
• Daily yoga
• Delicious, healthy meals
• Outdoor "Chicks Challenges" which may include rafting, hiking, horseback riding, ziplining, and more
• Access to our Chicks Unhitched life coach- create a personalized plan for beginning & maintaining your new lifestyle.*

*additional fee

About Fontana Lake and the accommodations:

The retreat is located on beautiful Fontana Lake, North Carolina.  Set at the base of the National Park, the Fontana Lake area offers whitewater rivers, countless trails, and spectacular forests & mountain scenery.

Accommodations at the award-winning retreat, Lakeview at Fontana, top off the charm. Located on a forested mountainside with views of Fontana Lake, this intimate & unpretentious boutique spa is secluded, comfortable and decidedly low-key. Accommodations reflect restful retreat essentials- think pillow-soft down comforters; pure Egyptian cotton sheets; and naturally pampering Aveda bath amenities in all 20 rustic-chic suites. Fully equipped kitchenettes and sitting areas allow adequate room for a comfortable stay.

The areas surrounding the Great Smoky Mountain National Park - with lush landscapes, sparkling waterfalls and relatively mild terrain make it a perfect destination for a Chicks Unhitched adventure. With more than 800 miles of hiking trails at your toes, from easy strolls to more challenging hikes, you're free to conquer the mountains or just amble through our beautiful wooded grounds.

Road trip for this myeloma ends but this is JUST THE BEGINNING! Let's keep going!

We just got back from our road trip and it was a perfect 10. There is literally not ONE thing I would change about our trip. And so I wrote about this topic on Divorced Moms.

Just a quick update and I will retire this topic. After our Canadian trip, we headed back to William's daughter's house. For the next four days, we hung out with her awesome husband and their 15 month old daughter. We all fell in love with the whole family. Plus, their house is totally charming and adorable and I love it. They made us feel so comfortable and welcomed and at home.

We went everywhere in the city and beyond. Pike's twice where I spent a small fortune on sauces, marinades and spices, the big huge ferris wheel, the beach, awesome restaurants, outdoor markets and the Indian reservation where, between two families, we spent over $2,000 in fireworks-- no typo! Ryan (William's son in law) and Morgan stayed up the night prior until 1:00 AM setting up. The results were SPECTACULAR. The 4th of July was our favorite EVER. We started off by watching a parade on the Lake Sammamish while eating grilled corn on the cob, followed by a street party. We started setting of fireworks (no exaggeration here) at 2:30 in the afternoon and, without a break, ended at 12:30 AM. It was INSANE. We ate, played street football and ping pong and went pyro. The fireworks were just about as good as city fireworks, no lie. There were probably 75 people at the street party, and the food and libations were super yum. Please I want to move to Seattle now.










We are home for just a few more weeks and then we're off to Florida, South Carolina and Georgia for two weeks. Best yet, my best friends Julie and Shane are in Florida at the SAME TIME. We didn't even coordinate this but they fly into Orlando the day before we get there and we all fly home within an hour of each other! Guess who we are hanging out with? Hooray and I LOVE it when this happens (does this EVER happen)?

Myeloma SUCKS beyond belief but despite this HUGE limitation, I am so happy. Life is joyful, has so much purpose, and is FUN. Live, my dear readers, LIVE LIVE LIVE. Love. And find happiness. YES, no matter what happens in life, this is possible. And it is FAR BETTER than the alternative.

Much love,

Lizzy

Road trips (like this one) rock!

I haven't written in almost a week because we are on a road trip, it is fabulous, and I've had no time. Road trips are not something I do often, as I'm not a huge fan of driving. But there are times when nothing is better. If you have time, don't feel rushed, and the whole point of driving is to stop along the way, then this is a Big Huge MUST. The last time I did a road trip was two years ago when I took the girls and we drove to Denver. We stopped in Moab and it was spectacular and unexpected and if we had simply hopped on a plane, we would have missed it.

So flash forward to planning out this summer. William and I decided to take two trips, one via plane and another in a car. Since I planned out the whole South America trip, plus last summer's trip to Italy, it was his turn. This is what we've done so far...

Day 1 - Pendleton, Oregon



We left Salt Lake City and made it to Pendleton where we stayed the night. We walked the small, picturesque, cute town. We also saw some pretty cool wildlife off the side of the road.

Day 2 - Snoqualmie Falls, Washington and Seattle

We drove through Richland, Washington, home of my dad! I have visited Richland more times than I can count but the last time I was there was in high school. Oh the memories! But we didn't even stop. We got to Snoqualmie Falls, Washington and hiked down to the falls. It was very hot but breathtakingly beautiful. We stopped at a raspberry farm and picked our own. I ate more raspberries straight off the bushes than made it into our basket. We also stopped at a farmer's market and purchased Rainier cherries and all the spices and sauces that I could fit in my basket. We survived crazy traffic into Seattle and drove by William's former homes, then met up with his daughter and son-in-law at Benihana's for dinner. Believe it or not, I've never eaten at the chain. I collapsed in bed that evening. I was so tired!

Day 3 & 4 - Victoria, Canada




We took the ferry to Victoria and checked into our hotel. We didn't realize what a spectacular location we chose-- literally a stone's throw from the famous Empress hotel. I was here, too, but the last time was in 1986. I hardly remember this phenomenally adorable city. We visited Butchart Gardens, walked the town, took a nap and went swimming, and spent two nights sitting on the waterfront watching street acts, sipping fresh lemonade, and eating grilled corn on the cob. (By the second night in Victoria, I was thinking that I could really get into this whole Canadian thing.)

Day 5 - Vancouver, Canada

We went to Granville Island public market, got lunch, ate more fresh fruit, and purchased cheese and chocolates. We checked into our amazing hotel downtown and paid $40 for parking. That's Chicago prices! After soaking in the pool, sauna and hot tubs, Morgan watched Siena while William and I had a date. We walked up and down festive main streets, and got sashimi and sushi. Yum! Fantastic restaurants, fresh produce, and organic everything. Right up my alley.

Day 6 - Harrison Hot Springs, Canada



We drove to home of the Sasquatch! We stayed at the historic Harrison Hot Springs hotel, spent hours soaking in the hot springs, checked in the girls for a two hour romp on outdoor slides in the lake, then had another Liz-William date. I picked up a pizza and salad for the girls. They were exhausted and more than happy to watch TV and relax. We went to dinner in the main restaurant. So fun-- very vintage vibe, 1950's style. We ate fillet while watching the older people dance the fox trot to the live band.

Day 7 - LaConner & Seattle

We stopped in the beautiful town of LaConner for lunch and then I hit up a lavender shop where I went a little crazy buying soaps, lavender dark chocolate, lavender lemonade, and lotions. And here we are back in Seattle, tired, with a Big Fat Headache and, oh, so very happy.

So far, this has been a perfect trip and I wouldn't change a thing. We have five more days before we head back and we'll explore Seattle the rest of the time-- Pike's Place, the underground original city, the big huge Ferris Wheel and who knows what else?

I love exploring everywhere. It expands my horizons and my perspective. And, for my daughters, it helps them realize that the world is one big, amazing place.

On finding my personal POWER and kicking ass

I am so tired of complainers and those that wallow in self pity. I mean, I'm utterly SICK OF IT. Not to be confused with those who are in the midst of sickness and grief. But there then enters in a healing phase. One can either heal and conquer or cry and moan. I truly believe I have the "right" to wallow. I chose to never do that. I hope I never will. Call me names and that I don't understand because blah blah blah. TRUST ME, I UNDERSTAND. Life has thrown me some sucky stuff. I GET IT. Now dry up those tears, take a shower, and go have a fabulous day. If you simply can't, go see a therapist so that soon you will be doing just that. And this is the latest via Divorced Moms.

Which Divorced Mom Are You? Victim, Survivor or Warrior?

by Lizzy Smith                   

June 09, 2015

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There are three types of people who emerge after something really hard happens in life, like a divorce, custody battle, job loss, illness, or the like:

1. Victim
A victim is the innocent person of someone or something else. It is the person in the car crash who stopped at the light, or the one who endured the beatings of a spouse, or who was frauded out of their retirement savings. I've been a victim. I was the victim of an alcoholic's explosive behavior. I am the victim of cancer. Being a victim is real and heartbreaking. But sitting in victimhood mentality is equally heartbreaking because we continue to be the passive, innocent person taking no action to move forward. It leaves us stuck.
Richard Bach, the author of Jonathan Livingston Seagull (a fantastic book-- if you haven't read it, you must!) wrote: "If it's never our fault, we can't take responsibility for it. If we can't take responsibility for it, we'll always be its victim."

I certainly don't take responsibility for getting cancer. I did all the "right" things to stay healthy. I also don't take responsibility for my ex-husband's alcoholism-- he was that way before we met -- nor do I take the responsibility for his inappropriate behavior or actions. I do, however, take responsibility for marrying the guy and not leaving sooner. I take responsibility for responding in ways that weren't good or right. And I did take responsibility for leaving the relationship, healing and putting on my boxing gloves during the divorce, refusing to be his punching bag any longer, and moving forward. I did take responsibility for scraping myself out of bed during cancer treatments and living a really full, meaningful, fun and amazing life. It would be easy to wallow in self-pity but I have consciously decided not to.

Victimhood is powerless and emasculating. It is not a pretty place to be or stay. But there are powerful emotions that we victims feel that helps us stay a victim. For one, victims get lots of attention from others (you poor thing!). We don't have to take some responsibility for our actions in some circumstances. We don't have to force ourselves off the couch and work to move out of being a victim. Plus, there's something that feels oddly good about validating how we were right and innocent and the other person was horrible and wrong.

I recently met a woman who is a fellow multiple myeloma patient. She is in remission and her treatments have gone really well. But nearly every day she complains. She cries all the time. Her bones ache. Her children aren't calling often enough. She may need anti depressants but she can't call a therapist because she can't stop crying. It really seems as if it's far better to share with the world her plight than to be thankful for remission, for living, and for the many friends who support her. I gotta say, as someone who struggles with her same disease, I'm really tired of hearing it. One day, I sent her an email. I am working on a revolutionary project that may actually lead to a cure of myeloma. I am not a doctor, but I am helping spread the word about several oncologists who are developing powerful new therapies and to garner support so that their important work can continue. Would she be willing to start a team? It would cost her zero dollars and take about 10 minutes. She never responded. How many times do I hear from those who are suffering through painful divorces, horrible custody battles, financial hardships, or cancer treatments who want to do nothing in helping themselves recover. It is utterly frustrating.

So if you are stuck in being a victim, try this: Spend the entire weekend at home. Cry. Punch your pillow or walls. Eat an entire batch of raw cookie dough. Write out a list of how life sucks. I'll bet you can maybe come up with 100 reasons. Don't shower. Scream at your children. After a few days, do you feel better? Probably not. You probably don't look or smell better either.

2. Survivor
I once read from a fellow myeloma patient that they never used the word "warrior" when describing cancer. They are a survivor. When I hear this word, it conjures up the person who has awful things happen to them and they manage not to bury themselves under covers and never get out of bed. They plod through what they must and press on. Survivors are resilient, but it feels as though when life throws curveballs, they duck, cover and fight when they must, and wait for the next challenge. Yes, I survived my divorce. I survived my marriage (barely). I survived cancer. But simply surviving wasn't good enough for me. It still felt powerless, and that is not an emotion I enjoy.

3. Warrior
And then there's the warrior. Warriors put on battle gear and go to work. They take risks. It's not easy but it's empowering, and that is an amazing emotion. To conquer. When I was going through a horrific divorce and chemo and stem cell transplants at the same time, I could easily have been the powerless victim. Or just survived the experiences. But I chose to fight.

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I'm on Huffington Post! The 10 Best Things About Getting A Divorce

It's so excited when my articles get picked up! My latest from Divorced Moms was just picked up by Huffington Post and it's getting some interesting comments, same with on Facebook. Check it out!



The 10 Best Things About Getting Divorced
By Lizzy Smilez for DivorcedMoms.com

I don't know a single person who has gone through a divorce and thought it pleasurable. Divorce is tough, ugly, acrimonious and, well, it pretty much sucks. But if you look closely enough, I'll bet you can find many great things that emerged from your divorce. I know I can. And when I think about it and remind myself of the positives, "thriving my divorce" seems a more accurate description of my experience (sort of). Hey, at least I learned to laugh again and have fun!

So I picked my ten favorite things about my divorce. It actually wasn't that hard. Consider making your own list.

1. It ended
Winston Churchill said "If you're going through hell, keep going." This quote ran through my mind countless times during my marriage. In fact, I once posted it on my Facebook page. None of my friends really knew what I meant by it but I did. I knew I needed to keep moving or I would stay right there. It's been a tough battle to finalize the divorce but at least it's over. I no longer need to live in a constant battle zone.

2. The whole bed is MINE
When my husband and I split, I spent several nights sleeping nearly sidewise on the bed. I wanted the whole dang thing to myself and it felt fabulous. No more sharing. It was all mine mine MINE. It was symbolically powerful.

3. Purging the ugly stuff
I got to get rid of all the stuff I hated. Like the ugly framed print that was hanging in the loft. And the tacky Christmas ornaments? They'll never hang on my tree again. No more doing his laundry and putting away his work pants that were always too short and wrinkled because I refused to iron them anymore and he was too lazy to do it. His ugly brown leather couch? Gone. Everything I own now is clean, fresh and pretty. It doesn't look or smell like him. I love it.

4. No more compromising
All of a sudden, instead of fighting over everything from vacation plans to walking the dogs, it was done. Bed times, cleanliness, vacations, food in the fridge, noise levels... My home, my way. What a nice switch.

5. Peace
My marriage was extremely high conflict. I literally never knew from one moment to the next if a huge argument would erupt. When we separated, the realization that I no longer had to walk on eggshells was exhilarating. At times, I was almost giddy. It meant everything.

6. Living in truth
Oftentimes we hide the nature of our marriages from others. At least that was true for me. Most everyone my husband and I knew thought we were a happy couple. I hid our reality in shame and embarrassment. It was exhausting. When we split, it was a relief to live in truth. I no longer had to pretend to be something I wasn't. I decided to open my life and blog. Everything is now out there for anyone to read. This approach isn't for everyone but it works for me.

7. Emotional healing
After my marriage ended, the healing began and it was high time that it did. I'll never be completely healed. But I've survived it and I'm doing really well. Had I stayed married, I'd still be sustaining more wounds. Lots of retail therapy, self-help books, vacations, the love of family and friends and meditation helped. I had really bad days but it got better and better. The important thing was to be nice and forgiving of myself and to give it time. They say that time heals all wounds. It's true.

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This life post cancer isn't so bad. In fact, sometimes it ROCKS

A few weeks ago, William and I were went on a fabulous walk. The kids were in school and the day was perfect. Not a cloud in the sky, mid 70's, and sunny. We walked from the house to Thanksgiving Point Gardens during the tulip festival. The waterfalls were raging and it was a flower explosion of spectacular colors. We started talking about fear and our ability to find happiness.

I stopped mid sentence, mid- stride. I had an epiphany.

"I stared my biggest fear in the face. I got a cancer diagnosis, I lost my health, my hair, my husband (that was a great thing!), my career, home, and vacation house. But look where I am now. I am NOT sitting in a windowless office getting ready to head into another mindless meeting to deal with artificial deadlines. I am outside among the tulips! And guess what? This is spectacular!"

I wouldn't wish cancer on anyone. But what if-- just what if -- the worst thing we can imagine happens. Then what? If you had told me a few years ago that I would simply walk away from a high paying job, leave my house and vacation house, and throw it all up in the air, I would have thought you nuts. I would NEVER have even contemplated letting go of all my responsibilities. But life presented me with no choice. And I survived it. I healed. I thrived. It's ok. And honestly, I can't imagine going back to my prior life. It was horrid and awful and... awful. All of it.

I recently read an article about a woman who was working stupid hours in New York City and she simply walked away. She sold everything, moved to St John and started selling ice cream on the beach. She found a better life than the grind she lived before.

What happened when I just walked away from my horrible former life? I found tulips, sunshine, and a purposeful life. Letting go.

Can taking too many vitamins cause cancer? A study says YES

 

Taking Too Many Vitamins May Cause Cancer

BY LIZZY SMITH

In an attempt to heal, stay healthy, and ward of cancer, it may seem tempting to take massive amounts of vitamins. After all, if a few vitamins are good, lots of vitamins must be great, right? If a particular vitamin is a good anti-inflammatory, or if we have low iron levels, or keep getting colds, popping a handful of vitamins seems like a logical idea.

My entire life, I thought that the healthier I was, the greater chance I had of never getting cancer. So I consistently worked out, ate healthy, and took (you guessed it) lots of vitamins. I am not intimating that that’s the reason I got myeloma. Not at all. Why we get this disease I will never know (who does?). But now that I’m on this journey, I do take lots of vitamins in addition to eating loads of organic fresh fruits and veggies, beans, nuts– all the good stuff I can — plus a fair amount of cookies and French fries. See, I’m not perfect. But are those vitamins causing me more harm than good? I’ve run my list of supplements past my doctor. He said not to take large amounts of any supplements and to stay away from curcumin (not every doctor agrees with this approach, so make sure you discuss your situation with your oncologist!). Other than that, no one has told me otherwise. So I’ve been taking some 15 vitamins per day that includes iron, calcium, vitamin-C, vitamin-D, a multi vitamin, fish oil, and more. Good idea? Perhaps not.

Dr. Tim Byers, of the University of Colorado Cancer Center, led research involving thousands of people over a ten-year period. Findings were presented at the American Association for Cancer Research on April 20. Dr. Byers said: “The evidence shows people who take more dietary supplements than needed tend to have a higher risk of developing cancer.” The study further determined that while taking supplements, more people developed more types of cancer.

For example, beta-carotene was found to raise the risk of lung cancer and heart disease by 20 per cent when taken at above the recommended dose.

Vitamin B9, or folic acid, was thought to help reduce colon polyps, which can lead to bowel cancer. But in a trial it actually increased the number of polyps.

For years, I’ve known that vitamins and supplements are never intended to replace a healthy diet. And many vitamins contain far more than a daily recommended allowance, which can lead to a host of problems, including cancer.

But… we myeloma patients are not a typical person. Many of us have real deficiencies and that’s where blood work and a good doctor come in (along with a good nutritionist).

If you don’t know this, here’s a fact: supplements are not regulated like pharma drugs. That means vitamin companies may not be offering top-notch products and their claims may be incredibly misleading. I suppose lesson learned here is to proceed with caution and never take more than the recommended dosage. Eat healthy. Plant-based diets are always a wise idea.

“Taken in recommended amounts, vitamins and minerals are safe,” the study concluded.

For the full article, click here.

Your "New Normal." Life post divorce will never be the same again. It can be better

It's a really late night for me. I started off the day writing a few articles for The Myeloma Crowd, ran a few errands, then spend four hours doing a Boudoir Photo Shoot. For real! It was so fun and so far out of my comfort zone and it rocked. More details about that when I get photos. They are actually ready, I think, but I can't retrieve them until I get back from Spring Break. You see, I've been packing and writing and getting organized because in a few hours, the girls and I, and William and two of his daughters, are heading on a cruise. More details on that when we get on that cruise. Anyway, after my photo shoot, we went to dinner and Good Friday church services. Afterwards, hypochondriac myeloma warrior that I am, I went to urgent care because I suspected kidney issues. I'm ok, but I did pick up antibiotics. I flipping HATE CANCER. Because there is no rest once you've had a diagnosis like that. You are always worried about your health and it is EXHAUSTING.

Anyway, here is my latest on Divorced Moms. I'll be sharing news from the cruise. Happy Easter. May the spirit of God's love be with you.

Cheers, Lizzy

The New Normal: Life Post Split Is Never The Same
by Lizzy Smith                     

April 04, 2015

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We went to a beautiful and powerful Good Friday service tonight. And on our chairs was a card about death and beginnings. We were invited to fill it out and as I did, I realized how appropriate the same message was about divorce. After I completed it, my card read (and I am slightly editing it to suit our "divorce" purpose):

Death Certificate

I, Lizzy Smith, died on January 2, 2012, the day I had my husband removed from the home by police, leaving behind a hurt, angry, sick and confused woman. In that process, I gained a new life, freedom, peace and love.

Signed: Me

If you're considering a split, or are recently separated or divorced, here are a few things you should know:

1. Life will never be the same again
2. You will never look at love, commitment, marriage and family the same way again either. You will realize that dreams die and nothing is forever
3. It will hurt really bad
4. There will be days that you will want to lie down in the fetal position and never move again
5. You will want to stick pins in a voodoo doll that looks just like your ex
6. Sometimes, you'll want to stick pins in a different voodoo doll that looks just like your attorney
7. You will look at your children's pain and it will be horrific. The guilt and sadness will be overpowering and there is not a whole lot you can do to erase it
8. You will get very cranky
9. Physically, you might change a lot. Some women go wild with a new hair color and radically different wardrobe. Some won't be able to eat and will drop loads of weight; others will work their way through eating everything in the refrigerator. There are usually new bags around the eyes and a "blank look" when someone is talking to and you can't comprehend a thing
10. Financially, it will be painful. You will look at your attorney's new car and realize that you paid for it

And when you're in the midst of such turmoil, you should...

1. Be really nice and forgiving of yourself. There is nothing more traumatic than divorce, save death
2. Feel free to tell others that you are going through a really tough time and you're not functioning at full capacity
3. Tell others when you need help. Be specific because no one is a mind reader
4. Explain to your employer what is going on at home. She should know that you might not be capable of taking on a Big Huge New Project
5. You owe no one explanations about why your marriage broke up. That said, feel free to share with anyone you wish (just be careful you don't share intimate details at, say, work, so be careful)
6. You should seek help, whether it be from a therapist, support group, ecclesiastical leader, or a pile of self help books
7. Perhaps ask a doctor for anti-depressants if things get really bad
8. Take this opportunity to really try to eat healthy, get lots of exercise, and shower and put yourself together almost every day. Pity parties are allowed. Cry fests are normal. And spending a day (or three) in pajamas eating ice cream and watching sappy movies is to be expected. But it really helps emotionally to look and feel decent and to get out of the house. It is a crucial part of your healing process

That age-old saying that "time heals all wounds" is true. There will come a day when you will wake up and realize that you are ok, that you have survived, and you are ready to move forward. And from the ashes of divorce, it is possible to craft a better life for yourself and your children. And that is when your "new normal" will emerge-- a different life, a different you.

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A great story about Kerrie, a divorced mom who rebuilds her life from the ground up

Divorced Mom Success Story: Meet Kerrie. Her Guest Post On Health
by Lizzy Smith                    

March 26, 2015

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I love a good story about divorced moms moving forward in their lives in ways that they could not (or did not) do during their failing marriages. One such story is of my friend Kerrie. She was a stay at home wife and mom with three very young children. Her marriage was a tough one and they eventually split. All of a sudden, Kerrie found herself single, without a job, and wondering how she was going to support her family.

She enrolled in a local cosmetology school. That's how we met. At the time, I was completely bald, just having completed some very tough chemo treatments and two stem cell transplants to fight multiple myeloma. I was desperate to stimulate hair growth and I started going to a hair school near my home for scalp massages aimed at doing just that. I met Kelsey, who still does my hair today and is one of my favorite friends. My hair started growing back super curly and Kelsey, twice each week, would massage my scalp (yum!), and dry and flat iron my hair into submission. One of her fellow students was Kerrie. One day we started up a conversation, exchanged phone numbers, and started meeting up for coffee or lunch.

Kerrie graduated from school and decided she wanted to help others achieve health and wellness instead of doing hair. She had become passionate about alternative health methods in her quest to stay healthy, fight of illness, and heal emotionally. Today, she has her own office space and conducts wellness seminars. I'm so proud of her success. 

So recently I asked her to write a guest post about health. Here it is. Enjoy!

Prevention is key to optimal health: It starts with sleep, nutrition & exercise
By Kerrie Percey (with Joni Luke)
I don’t know about you, but if there is anything I do NOT have time for as a mom, it’s being sick. I know from personal experience that life doesn’t stop for us to recover, whether it be from illness, stress, or emotional trauma. We may feel fatigue, depression, and more but life continues and expectations and responsibilities never end. So many of us moms, especially we have children at home that depend on us, we have additional things to think about, like homework, science projects, dance lessons, sports…the list goes on. And if you’re like me, none of those things are yours, they all belong to your kids.

But if we don’t find time to take care of our needs first, it makes recovery, health, healing and fighting disease that much harder.

So then what can we do to stay on our toes? Prevent.

What if our bodies were able to avoid being acidic – which only leads to being even susceptible to disease and illness? What if we were getting a restful sleep every night? What would it feel like to have more of the energy we need to accomplish the most important things on our list?

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Why the heck not? My latest on Divorced Moms (and I announced my engagement on Facebook!)

So here is my latest Divorced Moms column. I can expand a little on my blog. I did get lip filler injections. Last month, I Botoxed for the first time. I have heard that when you start doing this stuff, it's addicting. You like the results and you want to do one more thing, then another, and, well... Where do you stop? After Botox, I did want to get one more thing done. I wasn't even sure what, exactly. I can blame this desire on cancer. Why not? I like to blame EVERYTHING on cancer! I hate what it did to me. Actually, it was strange-- during chemo, though I was bald, I had the best skin ever and my wrinkles seemed non existent. But then the Dex took it's toll, eating away at muscle throughout my body and diminishing fast tissue and collagen in my face. Some people on Dex get "moon face", I got "falling face." The Botox gave me a much needed revamp. It was $11 per unit and the total cost was $550 and I need to do this every 3-4 months to keep it up. And I intend to!

I went back to Michelle and we chatted and decided I had 90-year old woman lips. No collagen at all. So she shot me up. It hurt. First she numbed me good like at a dental office. I'm on blood thinners because I take Dex, Velcade, birth control, and Thalidomide, which can all cause blood clots. So this made those injections bleed. Then I got the fillers and it bled and bruised some more. For the next several days, I was bruised and numb and it looked like I had a terrible allergic reaction to a bee sting. I felt exotic and I felt like I looked like someone else. Not sure I was liking it. Total cost was $575 and should last about seven months. These days, though, I think I like a lot!

So now what? I'd love to do a little fillers in my cheekbones but, really, I am 47 years old and I don't want to look like I'm trying to be 30 and my face is frozen and has had too much work. So I think that I'll keep up with what I've done and not add more, with the exception of facials and maybe a chemical peel or two.

Do I recommend it to others? Why not! If it makes you feel good about yourself, go for it. How is it different than coloring hair or wearing mascara?

Bee-sting lips


Better!

I also need to add another fun thing I've done recently with my whole "Why not?" motto. I posted on Facebook that I'm getting married! In my past marriage, I never posted that I was married or even in  a relationship with Rob. There were no mentions of a husband and not a single photo on my entire Facebook account of a husband or a guy named Rob anywhere to be found. Why is that? I was in a volatile relationship that I wanted OUT OF. Why be proud of that marriage (or him, for that matter)? I found my marriage and my husband shameful and sad. I wanted desperately to pretend that I wasn't married at all. What a difference finding love and happiness, and being in a relationship I'm proud of. I've been posting on Facebook loads of photos with him in it for some time now. And I posted on Facebook when we got engaged. And yesterday, I figured out how to add "engaged" on my timeline. Fun! It's official, and I'm excited about it. Wedding is in October. Stay tuned!

In Park City at the Sundance Film Festival. So fun to be up there!

Anyway, here is my Divorced Moms article. Enjoy! Happy weekend, dear readers.

"Why Not?" This Motto Leads To Fun Life Adventures. Try It!
by Lizzy Smith                    

January 30, 2015

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This photo is of me post lip fillers.
My focus in life changed in a single moment. I heard the words "you have cancer" and life as I knew it vanished. As the same time, I left my husband. I did chemo and divorce simultaneously. I was decimated to nothing and when the dust settled, it was time to rebuild, refocus and recharge my entire life. A new person was emerging and it was time to pick a new life's motto: Why not?
So this question has, of late, led to some new adventures and experiences, of which I'm so grateful. They are...

Sex chat with my teen daughter
"Hey Mom, can I ask you some questions about sex?" my 14-year old daughter asked me just a few days ago.

Why not? (Actually, when it came to this question, it was more of a "HELL YES!" answer.)
When raising children, are these types of conversations among the most important we will ever have with them? I have worked really hard to foster open communication with my daughters when it comes to all things "sex" related. So far, it's working because I really believe that my oldest feels really comfy having those talks with me and I think she's incredibly honest. (My youngest daughter, now nine-years old isn't interested in the topic at all yet.) It was almost 10pm, close to her bedtime but what was more important, sleep or The Talk? The Talk won out.
We got cozy on the couches in the living room and spent the next hour having a very frank discussion. She asked if I had sex before I got married, if I had ever had "horny" feelings for a guy, and what it meant to "feel horny." She has several boys who want her to be their girlfriend and, so far, she's declined them all, though she has several close guy-friends who talk to her about their feelings on sex all the time. She's not ready to "go there" herself (hooray!) and I explained that sex was for later, when she was older, relationship first, and to never confuse a boy who wanted sex with her and a boy who truly liked her. The two are separate.

Anyway, it was an amazing, bonding, fabulous conversation. I suppose we moms need to be ready for the time when our children need to talk to us. We need to put our phones away and listen. Because oftentimes our children need and want to talk with us but we're oblivious to it in our rush to do stuff and connect with others in the cyber world. I'm guilty of it, too. But at least this night, I hit it out of the proverbial ballpark with our chat.

Monster truck show
Years ago, I was living and working in Washington, DC and my close friend and colleague, Tia, went with her husband to a monster truck show. I thought it sounded like the most awful thing ever. Last month, my boyfriend mentioned it. He is not the "monster truck show" kind of guy but he said he's gone before and they were fun. He asked if I wanted to go and take the kids. Why not? I just picked up the tickets and we're going on Friday, February 13! My daughters are ecstatic.

Argentina-bound
Last month, I got a message from a former colleague. She was moving to Buenos Aires, Argentina for work. "I know you love to travel. Come visit me," she wrote. Why not? I called up my boyfriend. "Let's go to Argentina!" I said. And literally two days later, we purchased our plane tickets. We leave in four weeks. We are going for 10 days, which will include a side-trip for a few days to Montevideo, Uruguay to visit my aunt and uncle who live there. A new part of the world I've never visited.

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Anger: an important part of the healing process

One of my favorite readers, Curtis, just submitted a new guest post for my column on Divorced Moms. It offers an interesting and important perspective on one of my "favorite" emotions: anger. While no one ought to stay mired in anger, it is an important part of the healing process, whether one is coping with divorce, cancer or pretty much anything challenging in life. And boy oh boy, have I had my share of anger. Sometimes, though I feel I've "healed" as much as possible, I still feel surges of anger at times. Perfectly normal, and it's ok. For example, this past week I've been angry over how I feel. I have been battling a horrific cold and experienced such extreme fatigue that I just wanted to wimper. I would feel far more anger if I had the energy. Last Friday, I probably slept 20 hours. Saturday, probably 18 hours and I wanted to sleep far more. I had a great day on Sunday, but then Monday rolled around and it was MLK and my children were home. Instead of going skiing like we planned, I stayed on the couch sleeping until 2pm when I dragged our behinds out of the house, picked up William and we went to see Selma. It was a terrific movie. And when it was over, I went right back to bed.

I was angry that I am tired and fatigued. I am tired of planning every activity with the thought in the back of my mind: how will I be feeling? And then I remind myself that I am alive, I have amazing family, two children that are healthy and amazing, and I am in love with a man who treats me so incredibly well. I am surrounded by peace, kindness, love and stability. And when one knows what unstable looks like and has lived with psychological and verbal abuse at the hands of an alcoholic, trust me, the comparison is stark and lovely. To escape horror and find beauty is amazing and until you've lived it and escaped and found something better, you have no idea. So, yes, anger is important. It helps us leave terrible situations, it helps us learn, and, yes, heal. That powerful emotion, anger. It's not always such a bad thing. No, not at all.

So without further ado, enjoy Curtis' musings on Anger. Here goes!

The Upside Of Anger. A Guy's Perspective On Using Anger To Heal
by Lizzy Smith and guest writer Curtis                    

January 23, 2015

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Anger as part of the healing process 
Anger is a natural stage so embrace it and experience it, within limits. Have you heard of the five stages of grief? Another fancy name for it is the Kübler-Ross model. Essentially it is the five emotional stages that one goes through when there is a death or an impending death. The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Since the end of a serious relationship, especially a marriage, is like the death of the other person (as they are gone)-- death of the relationship, hopes, dreams, plans and more-- professionals have used this model to understand and address the emotions after and during a separation or divorce. Woo hoo! A free pass to be angry and do stuff! Not exactly.

There is a lot of misplaced rage and envy. "Why me," "it's not fair," and "(insert) is to blame."  Anger should be experienced so as to release pent up emotion, evaluate the anger and the cause in order to heal, and there are many other benefits of experiencing anger. I learned that anger tells you when your boundaries are being crossed, even if you are not aware of the boundary crossing at the time. So embrace the dark side, but in a positive and not deranged way. Since many people are not exceptionally rational or in control of their emotions at the time of their split or divorce, you need to be aware of the anger and its dangers. If you are starting to get too angry, speak to a person that cares about you or, if necessary, speak to a professional. This is where the "angry friend" is a great help.  Someone who has been treated likewise or is just angry at every thing and the world.  Such a friend will lament with you, listen, agree and curse the world.

Male or female - it does not seem to matter. Usually the person that ends the divorce seems angrier. I have no studies or scientific data on this, it just appears to be the case from my own observations. It kind of makes sense in that if you end the relationship, you are angry and presumably unhappy. That said, once the relationship is over and the dust settles you would expect these people to be happier, wouldn't you?  I am not sure if this is the case. Many times ongoing issues involving children or finances seem to cause the wound to fester.

While both genders are generally angry, there seems to be that there are some that are dangerous.  Men seem to be more dangerous to their ex and children physically and women more dangerous psychologically, especially to their children. How many times have we seen in the news or heard about men attempting or harming their ex or their children?  Thank goodness not very much, but too much to not be concerned. Now women have become more physically violent, but not to the same extent (yet).  How many times have we seen mothers who act to vent or punish the father but do so through the children, who are neither able to deal with this nor should they have to. Sometimes mothers take on a victim role so completely that she needs to convince her children to reject their father. Then some people, regardless of gender, just want to win (regardless of motive).  In these and other circumstances the anger is out of control.

Both parties really need help to address the issues for the person out of control and to know how to deal with the issues for the person who is out of control with angry behavior. Further and utmost importance is your and your children's physical safety and wellbeing psychologically. Again, the children did not ask that you marry or the divorce and the effects of such behaviour on them needs to be considered by all.

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