Lessons from my teen - on finding the perfect boy and taking your time

I sent my 15 year old daughter to a one week writer's camp a few days ago. It took place at BYU and she stayed in the dorms the entire time. I missed her like crazy. It was her second camp of the summer (she's doing three)-- the first was a Girl's Camp sponsored by our church, the second was the writer's camp, and in a few hours I'm sending her to an outdoor adventure-type camp sponsored by a church we sometimes attend, South Mountain Community Church. Anyway, she developed her writer's voice and some new writing skills. It was quite intensive (it better have been-- it wasn't cheap!). When she came home, I decided it was time to put some of those newly acquired skills to work and have her guest write one of my Divorced Moms' columns. Here is her first. I think she did a great job writing it but, more importantly, she is so dang smart and wise. At her age, I was boy crazy and any attention I got from a boy was good attention. (Not that I was a floozy-- I made it through high school a very innocent girl.)

Anyway, enjoy! I hope you all are having a fabulous summer. We leave for our last trip of the summer in two weeks. I cannot believe that at some point soon, the summer will be over. I'm so sad! Except... I'm getting married on October 3 so when the kids head back to school, I am in full wedding planning mode. In fact, while Morgan is off to camp, Siena and I are doing a Mommy-Daughter date wedding dress shopping. Fun!

Lessons From A Teen: Finding A Perfect Boy (And Taking Your Time)
by Morgan Nielsen for the Lizzy Smith column                    

July 10, 2015

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My very wise teen daughter is learning important life lessons on how to find a good guy. She shares part of her journey of discovery right here. I had to share because I think we can learn a lot from her. Why wasn't I that smart when picking my ex? Enjoy!

 

Finding A Great Guy (They Do Exist!)
By Morgan Nielsen (age 15)

A couple months ago my friend introduced me to a cute boy who I will call “Guy” and we started talking and texting. Guy seemed really cool and sweet and we talked every day and realized we liked the same things. After a couple of months of talking he told me that he was starting to develop feelings for me and I realized that I was developing feelings for him, too. He told me he was single but wasn’t looking for a relationship. I was fine with that because I didn’t want one either. But every time I talked to Guy I got butterflies in my stomach. One of my guy friends asked me who I liked and I told him about Guy. He told me that Guy had a girlfriend. So I texted Guy asking if that was true and he told me it was. My heart dropped to my stomach and I felt like curling into a ball and crying. I told him that he should have told me and that he shouldn’t be telling me things like he had a crush on me when he already has a girlfriend. I told him that I said it was nice to meet him and that he shouldn’t text me again. I then deleted him as a contact. It was the right thing to do. As hard as it was to say goodbye to Guy it had to be done because I deserved more than what he was saying and giving to me.

This experience taught me how important it is to find a good boy to date. There are three things that you should watch for when dating. They are loyal, funny, and shares the same interests. These three things are essential for dating a person you like, at least it is for me.

Loyalty is a quality of being faithful to the person you’re dating. That means that when you are in a relationship that you don’t go talking to other boys or girls for the purpose of building a relationship with someone else. Loyalty is very important because that means that you can trust the person that you are dating. No one wants to go out with a boy after you hear he has cheated on his girlfriend because you ask yourself “will he do the same thing to me?” That is such a simple answer YES. He will try to sweet talk you and say cute things to you but you can’t fall for it. Someone once said “once a cheater, always a cheater.” I live by that because I believe it’s true.

Going back to my story about Guy... A couple of weeks later I got a weird text saying “sup babe?” I was really confused. I asked who it was and he said, “whoever you want this to be cutie.” I asked again who it was and he told me it was Guy. I never replied to him because earlier that day I talked to one of my friends that’s a girl and she told me she was going out with Guy. So I knew again that he was talking to other girls not just his girlfriend. So I’m learning at the age of 15 that once a cheater, always a cheater. So I plan to avoid them the best way I know how.

Keep reading...

Latest Divorced Moms column: An Interview With My (Very Smart) Teen Daughter

My latest Divorced Moms column is out!

An Interview With My (Very Smart) Teen Daughter

March 31, 2014 

By Lizzy Smith                            

Girls and middle school are a bad mix. They can be so vicious and catty to each other that it boggles the mind. I remember those years all too well and, yikes. And now that I have a teen daughter of my own (and another on her heels), just watching her try to navigate these difficult years gives me nightmares. I’m doing my best to crawl inside her head and understand what’s going on in there so I can be a better mom. How do I motivate her, help her, support her, and keep her safe?

In general, we are really close. We talk a lot, spend loads of time together, and I try to listen. I do my best not to lecture and preach. I want her to know that, no matter what, I will always be her biggest ally, fan and champion.

As I was talking to a friend about parenting and teens, I had a thought. Why don’t I ask my daughter what she thinks we parents ought to know. Since I think she is smart and insightful, she is my subject matter expert. So I wrote out a list of questions and handed it to her with a pen. She said she loved filling it out. I thought I’d share.

Keep reading...

And this is perceptive! Raising kids in the perilous digital age

Back on Huffington Post - hooray!
Before I get started, I wanted to let you all know that Huffington Post just picked up another one of my articles! It's right here... Why I couldn't bring myself to have revenge sex.

...And now onto the scariest thing EVER
I have a teenage daughter and she has an iPhone. It scares the hell out of me. A cell phone with texting is important. It's the way we communicate when we aren't together, which is more and more as she gets older. And I really trust my daughter. She has a great head on her shoulders and is a really terrible liar (thank goodness). And, as one might expect, she has a Facebook account, which she barely uses. Instead, she's on Instagram and Snapchat. My BFF's sister and another good friend follow her and keep me apprised of what's going on. I started following her, too. Because while I trust her, I don't trust hardly anyone else. And recently, I discovered that she is also active on another site that I absolutely HATE: AskFM, which is basically an anonymous slam book.

A few things have happened in the past month that have been simply not OK. How best to handle it? I'm not sure.

The first horrible incident happened about a month ago. My daughter came home disturbed and scared. In tears, she told me that a boy in her school who she didn't know and had never heard of named Chaz Bono was sending her and a few of her friends messages via Instagram. Chaz wanted these girls to send him nudie photos. None of them did. Finally, Chaz sent them a photo of his penis. The girls all responded to him many times to STOP. As soon as I heard this, I hugged her, told her she had done nothing wrong, and that I was going to call the police. Long story short, the police officer came over, there was nothing that could be done at that moment because there was no proof, and the parents of the other girls and I all talked to our girls.

I told my daughter that Chaz Bono is the name of a celebrity's son and not a real person. Who knows if he was a boy or a 75 year old man in Maine. She did the right thing telling me immediately. Three new rules for her:

1. Never, ever engage with anyone. Simply go silent.
2. Take a screen shot of the exchange so you have proof. Immediately.
3. Tell an adult immediately. Me or if I'm not around, someone else.

Oy vey. What do you do? Cancel Instagram and Snapchat? Take the phone away? She did nothing wrong. No punishment. But how best to respond? She uses that phone for so much-- Spanish practice, calendar, music, photos... Much of it perfectly fine and positive and helpful.

The next instance was on AskFM. Someone had posted on her page some awful comment that said, basically, "You are ugly and stupid and no one will ever go out with you." First, my daughter is beautiful and smart but does it matter when you read this stuff about yourself? Instead of hiding the message and cowering, she did something that I thought incredibly brave and perceptive. She took a screenshot and posted it to Instagram for everyone to see. The responses were fantastic. So many friends came to her defense.

Why did she do this? I asked. I would probably have hidden it. She said, "I want others to know that it's ok to be brave and not be bullied. They are cowards whoever wrote that anonymously and I don't care."

Strong girl! It's true-- when you air it publicly, you send a very strong message to your bully: You've picked the wrong person. Because you don't have the power to bully me. You don't scare me or intimidate me and if you really want to bully me, do it in front of everyone. Because, truth be told, bullies are the biggest cowards of all. Good for her.

I have no idea how I raised such a great kid. I am so proud of her and she inspires me.

Now how to deal with cyber safety? That's a work in progress and it is a very scary journey indeed.