Is your child a bully? If so, you must work to STOP IT NOW

What is (almost) worse than finding out your child is being bullied? Finding out your child is the bully and, perhaps, even the ringleader. If this is your child, you MUST address it quickly and decisively because that is just NOT ok. And child bullies grow up to become teen bullies and adult bullies. Nip that in the bud. Here is my latest via Divorced Moms.

Help, My Child Is A Bully. 10 Steps To Ending It NOW
by Lizzy Smith                    

June 12, 2015

Share on Tumblr

I have nightmares about my children becoming the victims of a bully. But what does a mom do when she finds out that her child is doing the bullying?

Years ago when my daughter was three years old and in pre school, one of her teachers told me that she targeted a boy in her class, "James," and bit him. Hard. I was horrified. Apparently she wasn't very nice to James and it was going on for some time. The teacher felt she was managing it ok until my daughter resorted to violence. I drove the whole way home in near silence. I was too angry to speak and trying to decide how to handle it. I had an epiphany.

First, the conversation. "Did you bite James?"

"Yes."

"Why?" I asked.

"I don't know," she responded.

"Do you think that's a good choice?"

"No."

At this point, I'm wondering if this entire exchange is over her head.

"What is your favorite toy?" I asked. It took her a few minutes to pick out an electronic game. "You are giving it to James tomorrow."

She didn't like that and cried for a solid hour. The next day, I was there when she handed her beloved toy to James and apologized. It never happened again.

If there's one thing I absolutely want tolerate from my children is bullying. If I find out they are the target, it won't be pretty for the offenders, I can assure you that. But if I find out my daughters are dishing it out, it won't be any better for them.

So what's a mom to do if we find out our child is perpetuating bullying?

1. Lead By Example
First, make sure that you are kind to those around you. I've known quite a few women, in the workplace, church, neighborhood and various social circles, who are incredibly mean to one another. You'd think as adults, we would know better but this is apparently not the case. So if you don't want your child to mistreat others, make sure you're not doing it either. Talking behind one another's backs (especially when in earshot of our kids) is a no. Ganging up on others? Again, another no. General cattiness? Do your best to STOP. I'm not saying I like everyone around me, in fact I really don't. But in those really extreme cases (like you find out a "friend" is sleeping with another friend's husband), keep that information away from your children. Pattern good behavior in front of your children.

2. Define Bullying
There may be a chance that your child isn't aware that they are a bully. Explain what bullying is, why it is hurtful, and how to stop it. Teach them how to stand up for another child, even if it's difficult.

3. Talk To Your Child
Have a long talk with your children to find out why the bullying is going on. Is he the ringleader of the bullying or a follower? Is your child afraid to stick up for the other child? You must find out the reasons why your child is bullying, regardless of their age. The better you can understand, the better chance you have of ending it. If there are a group of children bullying another child, ask to speak to their parents. Together, you can perhaps come up with solutions.

4. Set Expectations (A "Zero Tolerance" policy is a great idea)
You must do your best to nip this behavior in the bud. Let them know you won't tolerate the behavior and it must end immediately. Point out the real consequences on victim's lives.

Keep reading...

And this is perceptive! Raising kids in the perilous digital age

Back on Huffington Post - hooray!
Before I get started, I wanted to let you all know that Huffington Post just picked up another one of my articles! It's right here... Why I couldn't bring myself to have revenge sex.

...And now onto the scariest thing EVER
I have a teenage daughter and she has an iPhone. It scares the hell out of me. A cell phone with texting is important. It's the way we communicate when we aren't together, which is more and more as she gets older. And I really trust my daughter. She has a great head on her shoulders and is a really terrible liar (thank goodness). And, as one might expect, she has a Facebook account, which she barely uses. Instead, she's on Instagram and Snapchat. My BFF's sister and another good friend follow her and keep me apprised of what's going on. I started following her, too. Because while I trust her, I don't trust hardly anyone else. And recently, I discovered that she is also active on another site that I absolutely HATE: AskFM, which is basically an anonymous slam book.

A few things have happened in the past month that have been simply not OK. How best to handle it? I'm not sure.

The first horrible incident happened about a month ago. My daughter came home disturbed and scared. In tears, she told me that a boy in her school who she didn't know and had never heard of named Chaz Bono was sending her and a few of her friends messages via Instagram. Chaz wanted these girls to send him nudie photos. None of them did. Finally, Chaz sent them a photo of his penis. The girls all responded to him many times to STOP. As soon as I heard this, I hugged her, told her she had done nothing wrong, and that I was going to call the police. Long story short, the police officer came over, there was nothing that could be done at that moment because there was no proof, and the parents of the other girls and I all talked to our girls.

I told my daughter that Chaz Bono is the name of a celebrity's son and not a real person. Who knows if he was a boy or a 75 year old man in Maine. She did the right thing telling me immediately. Three new rules for her:

1. Never, ever engage with anyone. Simply go silent.
2. Take a screen shot of the exchange so you have proof. Immediately.
3. Tell an adult immediately. Me or if I'm not around, someone else.

Oy vey. What do you do? Cancel Instagram and Snapchat? Take the phone away? She did nothing wrong. No punishment. But how best to respond? She uses that phone for so much-- Spanish practice, calendar, music, photos... Much of it perfectly fine and positive and helpful.

The next instance was on AskFM. Someone had posted on her page some awful comment that said, basically, "You are ugly and stupid and no one will ever go out with you." First, my daughter is beautiful and smart but does it matter when you read this stuff about yourself? Instead of hiding the message and cowering, she did something that I thought incredibly brave and perceptive. She took a screenshot and posted it to Instagram for everyone to see. The responses were fantastic. So many friends came to her defense.

Why did she do this? I asked. I would probably have hidden it. She said, "I want others to know that it's ok to be brave and not be bullied. They are cowards whoever wrote that anonymously and I don't care."

Strong girl! It's true-- when you air it publicly, you send a very strong message to your bully: You've picked the wrong person. Because you don't have the power to bully me. You don't scare me or intimidate me and if you really want to bully me, do it in front of everyone. Because, truth be told, bullies are the biggest cowards of all. Good for her.

I have no idea how I raised such a great kid. I am so proud of her and she inspires me.

Now how to deal with cyber safety? That's a work in progress and it is a very scary journey indeed.

Penetrating my peace bubble

I always know it's going to be a great day when I need to speak to my attorney. Kidding. Anyhow, on Friday, I had a little chat with my divorce attorney. Though the divorce is final, my ex husband hasn't paid me a single penny of the money he owes me. Big surprise.

In case you're new to my blog, here's a little background. Rob the Great (Alcoholic) bullied me throughout our marriage and, after leaving him, when I stopped allowing the abuse to continue by cutting off all contact with him, he continued bullying me the only way he could: by withholding funds from me. Every single time without exception that he was required to pay money, he has paid late-- sometimes months and months late.

When Rob finally pays me the money he owes me, then I will be serving him with the next suit, which I will share with you once he gets the papers. The bummer is that this puts my entire timeframe off by at least a month, maybe even two. Litigation with this "man" is endless. Instead of serving him in November, like I had hoped, it won't be until probably March, which means that I won't be done with lawsuits until... who knows? Forever? And then the "fun" really will start up all over again. Sigh. I'll just put my helmet on and press forward.


Interesting sunglasses, I know. This was some of the swag we picked up at the travel expo.

And that's just fine. After the call with my attorney, I simply got in the car with William and we went to a travel expo where we researched our upcoming staycation options and planned the Italy trip in June. If that conversation had taken place, say, 18 months ago, I would've been having panic attacks. Yep, this is progress!

Which brings me to the point of this entire blog today. I have a friend, who I will call Kristen. Kristen is remarried and so is her ex husband. But her ex husband is about as abusive, if not more, than Rob. You'd think this guy would want to just enjoy the love of his wife and their happy home instead of tormenting the ex wife, but apparently that's not the case here. (If you ask me, there must be something very wrong going on in that home. But that's beside the point.) Kristen has shown me some of the texts and emails from this guy and they are, well, horrific. Finally, she told me, she sent him an email that said, basically, no more! If you need to contact me, send it through my attorney. Guess what? She's sleeping again at night.

"Oh, Kristen," I said. "You should have been reading my blog. In my opinion, when you're breaking it off with a narcissist, the only way to take control of your sanity is by cutting off contact with him." Sure, he'll find ways to continue tormenting her but if she just ignores it, it's not nearly as "fun" for him. And, truly, the court has remedies for assholes like that, she just has to be patient, which takes a lot of practice and deep yoga breathing and massages. But, at the end of the day, she'll be stronger for it.

I'll say that, for me, this entire experience has made me stronger. Threats of any type are just that-- threats. Meaningless, pointless, comical threats. No one gets to penetrate my peace bubble unless I decide to allow it. And, seriously, I don't think I'm afraid of anyone anymore. My experience with Rob has given me this groovy thick armor that is, really, well... impenetrable. Dare I say, it's kind of cool.

And that, my friends, is empowering.