Morgan's words: Her reunion with her dad and step sisters (first time in over THREE years!)

I love writing happy stories. I love even better when my children write happy stories. Here's the latest from Morgan. This one is published on Divorced Moms. Enjoy!

Stories From A Teen: Reunifying With My Dad (Finally!)
by Lizzy Smith                    

July 29, 2015

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I have written many times about my ex cutting off all contact with the children about six months after our split. His excuse to me? They were too stressful. His excuse to his family? He was afraid I would sue him for more child support. Either excuse is shocking and horrific. Nonetheless, last weekend, 15-year old Morgan flew to San Diego for a few days to visit her step-sister, Kellie. It turned out to be a joyous reunion with her other step-sister, Nicky, and her dad! Next up, he’s invited both Morgan and her younger sister, Siena, to come back any time for a visit. A new direction? I hope so! Let’s hear from Morgan all the details…


Reunifying With My Dad & Sisters!
By Morgan Nielsen (15 years old)

I was laughing so hard I was crying. It wasn’t because of what my sisters said, it was because we couldn’t take a single good picture of the three of us. We were in the movie theater waiting for the movie to start and my sister, Nicky, wanted to get a good picture. As she tries, she keeps moving her phone and they were all coming out blurry. We did this about five times. We took 15 pictures and only got one that was ok enough to post on Facebook and Instagram. These little moments can mean so much because you look back later and say, “Wow were dumb but it was a great day.”

I will never let me forget this important weekend, where I had the opportunity to go to San Diego to go see my two sisters and my dad. It was so amazing to see them because I missed them so much. It has been over three years since we have spent time together because my mom, younger sister and I left my dad and moved to Utah when my mom got sick. So this was amazing. Some of the things we did together was go to the beach, a movie, a Padres baseball game, and we had Sunday family dinner before I flew home (my first flights alone!). We also went shopping.

When I left for San Diego, the only thing I knew for sure is that my sister, Kellie, would pick me up and we would meet my older sister, Nicky, for dinner. The rest was kind of a great surprise.
The first thing we did when I got off the plane was go to dinner and a movie. Dinner was really nice because that is where we caught up and talked. It was funny because we ate at a restaurant called Stacked and they don’t wait on you—we ordered on an IPad and then the server brings out your food. Kellie ordered a drink and the guy came like a minute later. It was cool but surprising. After the movie I went home with Kellie and she gave me her bed to sleep in. It was so comfortable and I was so tired and I fell asleep right away. I was so happy!

The next morning we woke up and went down to the beach to meet up Nicky at a coffee shop on the beach that she works at. She made me an iced caramel macchiato, yum! A couple of minutes after I got my drink my dad showed up with his two dogs. I was so happy to see him I ran up to him and gave him a big hug. It was the first time I had talked to him or seen him in over three years. I missed him so much. I Kellie and my dad decided to go to dog beach to walk his two dogs, Ollie and Bullet. I missed the beach so much. It reminded me of my prior life before my parents’ split because we used to go at least once a week. Walking with my dad and sister seemed so normal. It was weird but it seemed like almost no time had passed. That night I went to the Padres baseball game with Kellie and Nicky. They won and after the game Nelly preformed and it was cool.

On Sunday we went back to the beach. As it turns out, we walked past an ear piercing shop and I decided I wanted to get my cartilage pierced, just like Kellie. I knew my mom would never go for it but I called and asked anyway. After she thought about it, she said yes, that she wanted this weekend to be the best ever and it would be a token memory. I couldn’t believe it!

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How to teach children empathy and kindness? 5 tips

My daughters, honestly, are really kind girls. But we can often work on the whole "me first"-thing. I wrote about it in today's Divorced Moms column. Enjoy!

5 Tips For Teaching Our Children Empathy & Thoughtfulness
by Lizzy Smith                    

July 16, 2015

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Most children are narcissists by nature. Their primary needs are most important. That doesn't mean that most children aren't also innately good, kind and capable of being great. But it is our role as parents and caretakers to teach them empathy, putting others' needs above their own (sometimes), and, generally, how to be thoughtful people.

This summer, in addition to keeping my children really busy with camps, trips, and activities, I've also honed in on this one. Because while I love my daughters and they truly are amazing people, we can really work on the whole "but I want something"- thing. There are days that, thanks to the myeloma maintenance therapy medications that I take every day, I am simply wallowing in extreme fatigue. Yet when they want to go swimming or have friends over, they fail to notice that I'm struggling with getting off the couch.

"Mom, can you get me water?" my nine-year old asked me last week. I was lying down on the living room couch and she was sitting in the dining room, just feet from the kitchen. Really? I wanted to scream. Instead, I told her NO but she could get me a water! And then I reminded and waited until she did it.

"Mom, I need you to take Ally and me to Walmart to get snacks. We're hungry," my 15-year old daughter stated just minutes later. Not even a question, a demand!

It was time for a serious chat about empathy and thinking about their mom. Clearly they weren't getting it and it was my job to teach them.

So this whole "teaching empathy"-thing has been on my mind and has become a summer theme of mine, which I'll describe more below. But if we moms don't teach our children the importance of thinking of others, they are either:

1) Going to have a lifetime of struggling in their future relationships. Their friends, boyfriends or girlfriends, and co-workers won't like them very much and, really, our children probably won't understand why;

2) They will learn how to develop these traits the hard way-- because those around them will simply not tolerate narcissistic behavior.

Please don't let it be the first option. I have someone in my life who SCREAMS "struggling with relationships." She is one of the most narcissistic, thoughtless people I've ever met and if I had a choice, I would cut her out of my life like a cancerous mold. I don't have the option but I am polite to her when I must see her and that is it. She gets new friends all the time but a month or two later, those friends have vanish. Her co-workers often head out to lunch when she's in the restroom or at times they know she's unavailable. And yet she doesn't get it. Wow, I want to scream, I can tell you why-- you are thoughtless, selfish and, well, awful. Ladies-- let's try not to raise kids like this one!

How to do this?

1. Lead by example
If we aren't good and kind to others, and if our children don't witness our behavior and actions, we can't possible expect to raise kids with these traits. They must see us acting in a way we expect them to pattern. Help those in need. Be nice to your children. Be a gracious hostess. Be an even more gracious guest in someone else's home. Be nice to people on the phone, your restaurant server, and the person at the check-out counter. Refrain from flipping off rude drivers (this is a really hard one for me). Be nice to people in lines. Let your children see you giving up your seat to someone who needs it more than you. Let them see you practicing thoughtfulness all day, every day. If someone is having an upcoming birthday, consider baking them a cake or buying a small gift and dropping it off. Have your children help you.

2. Get them involved in giving back to others
This summer, I am getting my children involved in raising funds for curing multiple myeloma (my cancer, the second most common blood cancer). A few days ago, we hosted our first lemonade and cookie stand and took donations for the Myeloma Crowd Research Initiative (www.myelomacrowd.org/mcri). We raised $70 and will host another similar stand next week. Our goal is to do five of them before summer's end. I got them involved by helping bake cookies, make signs, and go shopping for lemonade and cups. On the day of the event, my nine-year old daughter brought friends with her to manage the table and donation bucket. They loved it! We all have a vested reason to help cure myeloma and they can finally participate in helping make their mom well. This is a critically important venture-- giving back to others for simply no reason than it is the right thing to do. No strings attached. (Side note, if you'd like to make a tax deductible donation, visit www.myelomacrowd.org, click on the box at the top that says Build a Team Today, look to the far right and you will see my name Lizzy Smith, click on that, and donate to my team! No donation is too small!)

My fiancé, Bill Conley, is also running for local office-- Lehi (Utah) City Council (www.bill4lehi.com). He is walking every major Lehi neighborhood by Election Day. We wear neon T-shirts and join him on these walks. It has become a family affair. They are getting great exercise and learning a bit about the election process in the meantime. Why are we all doing this? Because it's simply the right thing to do-- help someone else out. No payment, no strings attached, no promises of gifts afterwards.

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Can the Mommy Wars end for a bit? Apparently QUALITY of time matters over QUANTITY

My latest on Divorced Moms. I'd write some explanation but this one says it all.

Quality Over Quantity Matters Most For Parenting Our Kids- Yay!
by Lizzy Smith                     

March 31, 2015

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A few weeks ago, I was having a conversation with my very conservative friend, Michael. He said that it was optimal that there be a stay at home mom when there are children involved. Not just a stay-at home parent, but a stay at home mom. Why? Because women are more nurturing.

I had to correct him. I am not so nurturing. I love my children, I enjoy spending time with them, and there is nothing more important to me than my daughters. I'll walk over hot coals for them, or slay dragons. However, nurturing I am not. And, the guilt for moms who can't stay home with their children, or who simply don't want to, is overwhelming.

Living in Utah, the Mommy Wars are alive and well, at least in my neighborhood. There is a general thought that women should be at home with their children because of a divine gender role. Those who work because they want to are generally selfish; those that must work are pitied. And having never been that stay-at-home mom, this mindset has generally made me feel angry and guilty. Was there something wrong with me that simply being a mom wasn't enough? Did my need for the mental stimulation that working provided make me fundamentally flawed? I confess that, guilt aside, the balancing act of career, children, husband, home and Me (yes, somehow in all that, I still mattered, too) was crushing. Clearly I was failing everyone, most notably my children. Stuck in pre school or after school activities or summer camps. Bad mom. Guilt. Failure.

Well let's just push that all aside! A new study being published in the April issue of the Journal of Marriage And Family says that U.S. parents are spending more time with their children than any other parents in the world. Say what? And the amount of time that parents spend with their children between ages three and 11 matters not at all. And it has minimal effects on adolescents.

How do they measure "success" in parenting? By their academics, behavior and emotional well-being.

Oh.My.Gosh. I can let go of some of that guilt right now, color me happy.

What the study does show is harmful is a mother's stress level, especially when trying to juggle work commitments and the time they are (or want to be) spending with their children. And what matters most is a mom's education level and income.

So let me get this straight... If a working mom attempts to come home in a calm(er) manner and set aside stress and enjoy some quality time with her children, that counts. Many other studies show that eating together, especially at a dinner table, has huge benefits. Talking with our children, perhaps spending one-on-one time with them, say, once per week is a Big Fat YES. A little strict parenting isn't such a bad thing, in fact, it's generally good. Knowing our kids, smiling and laughing with them, and generally engaging with them-- these are things that truly matter.

In my neighborhood of mostly stay at home moms, I have often observed that they don't seem to actually spend more time with their children than most working moms I know. Their kids walk home from school without any adult supervision, and I often see very small children (like under two years old) who are playing in the streets (not kidding here) without any adult in the vicinity. So while there may be a mom in the home, are the children really getting that much more time with her? I say no. Studies say no. I love validation! (And, honestly, when my children were younger, they wanted to be with their peers playing far more than they wanted to be hanging out with me running errands or cleaning the house anyway.)

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New babies, myeloma friends, and protecting our kids from bullies part II

My niece was born over the weekend-- the cutest little girl, Gianna. So the weekend has been crazy busy because I've had my 2-1/2 year old nephew with me. He is so dang cute and bonding with him has been very hectic, busy, but I wouldn't skip it for anything. So I can't write more at the moment because I have no time. Plus, chemo-based fatigue has been nuts Saturday and Sunday. It seems the last 48-hours I've operated in a total fog. I asked William if he can tell that I'm operating on about 40% brain power and he can't. Well thank goodness for that. That's one thing that sucks about having fatigue days-- it's hard to enjoy and live in the present when I can hardly remember most of it. I'll write more about this tomorrow. Because on Friday, I met up with several people I met via Facebook that are all Myeloma warriors or caregivers for breakfast. It was an amazing breakfast. I hate cancer and this journey has been, well, an "experience." But I love the people I've met along the way and I love finding my passion and making a difference in the world. Ok, my nephew wants attention so I must run. Happy Monday!

Protecting Our Kids From Bullies: 6 Ways We Moms Can Step In
by Lizzy Smith                    

February 09, 2015

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Several days ago, I wrote an article about how we can help make our children bully-proof. I mostly focused on encouraging our children to look their bullies in the face, ignore them and thrive. That, I said, would be one powerful way to take the bully's mojo away. And it's true-- it often works like a charm. If we give the bully what he or she wants (namely attention), it simply fuels the bully's innate desire to keep it up. And this is an important life lesson for our children, because they will confront bullies their entire lives-- in their friendships, sometimes from parents and family members, employers and co-workers, boyfriends, and husbands. Teaching our children to recognize a bully and how to protect themselves is a vitally important life skill.

But oftentimes, bullying is severe and the consequences terrible. Simply teaching them to walk away and ignore that behavior isn't sufficient. Then what?

In my experience, we moms can do to protect our children from bullies is to recognize they are being targeted. When I felt bullied, ignored and shamed during my seventh grade year, I didn't tell my parents. If I did, it would just pile on my perceived shame. Instead, I suffered in silence, trying to pretend all was fine at school. At least most of the kids ignored me and I just wanted to disappear. But I saw other kids in my school being called names in the hallways, pushed, shoved and even beaten up. I was sitting out in the lunch yard one day and a group of kids poured milk over the head of one of the students. I felt horrible for the boy and was so relieved that it wasn't me.

I often wonder if that boy's parents knew how badly their son was being terrorized at school. And if they did, what should they have done about it? What was their responsibility to step in? Do we parents go to the bully's parents, the school administrators, police? Do we confront the bully ourselves? This is where I hesitate, because often fighting our children's battles makes it worse.

First, having open and honest communication with our children is important. If we don't have a good, solid foundation of trust and respect with our kids, it'll be pretty hard to know what is going on in their lives and they'll rarely confide in us. So if you haven't already, start developing that relationship now. It's never too early or too late.

Second, ask your children about how their friendships are going at school. Are they arguing with friends, do they see children who are being left out of games during lunch and recess, who do they hang out with at lunch? It's amazing what information I get when I ask these questions both of my nine-year old and 14-year old daughters. Children, I've found, generally want to talk, they just need to be asked the right questions. I often drive my 14-year old daughter's friends home from school, too, and I ask them similar questions and they often give me an earful. Sadly, I think many of them tell me much more than they ever tell their parents.

Third, if we become aware that there is bullying, it's really important to stay on top of the it. Who is doing the bullying? Is there physical violence or threats? Does the offender text or Instagram hateful messages or do it publicly? Are other students joining in?

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Teaching Our Children About Sex (parenting tales from Mormon-ville)

Sex and Mormonism. In all honesty, it's taught as "no, it's bad, it's of Satan, do not do anything to arouse sexual feelings or thoughts." Yes, sex is bad bad bad bad bad. Until you get married. Then have a great and healthy sex life! And, really, since most normal kids are horny and want sex, this means that Mormons tend to get married really super young so they can have "legal" sex. And then the babies come fast and, well, young adults are stuck... already married and parents all so they could have legal sex.

And many of these young adults (no, I don't have a statistic) have really unhealthy sex lives and views on sex because their entire lives have been one Big Lesson about sex is bad. Until it's not. And, truth is, you can't turn off that message "just like that" just because you say "I do."

What is most tragic in all this is that these people then have children and they perpetuate that message of sex being a BIG NO. And many parents have no idea how to have realistic conversations with their children about sex, and how to have a lifelong healthy sex life. How I escaped this whole concept despite the fact that I grew up in a very conservative Mormon household is one big question. But I'm grateful that this ridiculous concept never penetrated (pun intended) my soul or psyche.

Such is the story of my latest Divorced Moms column. As a mom of daughters, it is my goal to raise my children to have healthy attitudes towards sex. Sex is a huge responsibility and it's a life lesson to learn to manage sex in a positive way. It does make me cringe, though, when the time comes to talk birth control, condoms, STDs and pregnancies. At what point do you cross from condoning and encouraging sex at a young age versus being realistic and keeping them safe and protected? Ah, now that is the million dollar question! Anyway, my story and musings are right here. Enjoy!

Teaching Our Children Healthy Attitudes About Sex
by Lizzy Smith                      

January 26, 2015

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Last week, I went for tea with two friends, Karen and Christy. I told them about a conversation I recently had with my friend, Jane. Jane has a 14-year old son, Henry, who is cute, outgoing, and very popular with the girls at his school. Jane and Henry have a very close relationship and no topic is off limits, including sex. Not long ago, Henry told his mom that he was at a party where a 16-year old girl took her top off and invited him to touch her boobies. Henry ran off because he didn't know what to do. Jane told me that it is just a matter of time before her son starts having sex. "I wish he would wait and I tell him all the time that he is too young, and that sex is reserved for love and commitment. But I also know it's going to happen, and probably soon. But he cannot get a girl pregnant so I have a box of condoms ready for him. Ugh!"
I asked Jane when she's going to give him those condoms. "I don't know. At what point am I condoning and encouraging sex at the age of 14, versus making sure there aren't STDs and a pregnancy? But the answer is, soon."

I asked Karen and Christy they're thoughts were on the topic. All three of us have daughters the same age. I gave them this scenario: Our daughter comes home and says "I'm going to have sex with my boyfriend, Mom." ...or... instead of one of our daughters telling us they're about ready to have sex, we just know in our gut that it's going to happen soon. Grounding her and never letting her out of the house again isn't realistic. So, when do we take her to the doctor and get her on birth control? When do we give her condoms and beg her to use them so she doesn't come home with herpes? And while our daughters are all 14 years old now, what happens if they are older, like 16, which, in my opinion, is a more typical time to start exploring sex?

Without missing a beat, Christy, who is very conservative Mormon, said that there would be no birth control for her daughters, no matter what. "If they are going to have sex, then they'll get pregnant and need to put the baby up for adoption. It's natural consequences and I am not going to shield them from it."

I was speechless. It took me several moments to recover. "You would rather have your daughter come home pregnant than put her on birth control?" I asked.

"Yes!" Just like that. I thought she was joking until I realized she wasn't.

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Divorced Moms: The Chore List: Teaching My Daughters To Pitch In

My latest on Divorced Moms. And it's all about my sweet daughters.

The Chore List: Teaching My Daughters To Pitch In
by Lizzy Smith         

October 31, 2014

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Last week, my daughter called me in a panic. She had a soccer game and her uniform was dirty.

"Put it in the washer," I said.

"I don't know how!" she was nearly in tears.

Lovely, at age 14, she literally didn't know how to use the washer or dryer.

My fabulous daughters, God bless 'em, have almost no concept on what it means to run a home. They believe that clean clothes magically appear in their closet and drawers, food simply grows in the refrigerator, and that angels come in the middle of the night to clean the house. And, quite frankly, I am sick of it. But, really, whose fault is that? Mine. I haven't taught them, nor have I expected them to do anything. And certainly, there were no consequences if they didn't do a thing. So I went on an official quest to teach them some valuable lessons about chores and pitching in.

The reality is that giving my daughters chores is far more work that it was worth. When I asked them to do anything, they complained and argued and made a mess that I had to clean up anyway. My younger daughter actually loves to help but she is super klutzy, so I have been afraid to let her do much of anything. It was time that I got over it and simply allowed mistakes to happen. After all, they'll get better and more proficient at their chores if I simply back off and allow them to do it and hold them accountable. And some day, it will save me loads of time if I get help around the house. After all, doing it all myself is exhausting (not to mention, thankless).

So I made a handy list of things they can (and should) do around the house and divided it up between the two of them. I put their assignments on the refrigerator door and if they don't have a good week of doing their chores, they don't get their allowance.

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My amazing parenting skills last night

Last night, my Dear Morgan really pissed me off. First, we spent a really fun day at the new Aquarium. It wasn't cheap. $50 to get in plus we got lunch. We had a great time together.

We got home, I cooked up some dinner, and then I reminded Morgan that we had to pack her up for Youth Camp (she left this morning). She was in her room lying on her bed. I pulled out a sleeping bag, pillow, water bottle. There was Morgan, still lying on her bed.

"Morgan, I want to be done tonight soon, too, and I can't do it if we don't pack you up," I said.

"I know, Mom, I've got it, I've got it," she said in that 14 year old snotty voice.

That set me off (and I'm not even taking Dex until tomorrow!). "And you need to vacuum. I've asked you every single day for a week."

"I've been busy," she said in protest.

"You've been busy? You wake up at noon, you're not ever ready until two in the afternoon. And you have no time to vacuum?" I was seething. "Pack yourself up NOW and vacuum pronto. You're on your own."

"Fine, I've got it, I've got it."

"Give me your cell phone," I said. She handed it over. "Don't even ask me for it until Sunday. It's mine. You are taking Siena's phone with you to camp as a backup. I'm not taking you to Subway to pick up lunch for tomorrow. And I'm not taking you anywhere to get snacks for the drive tomorrow. Pack your own stuff up."

At this point, Morgan thought better than to open her Big Fat Mouth and challenge me anymore. Tw hours later, Morgan asked if we could talk. She didn't know why she was mouthy. She didn't mean to be. Can't I be like (my BFFs) Julie and Shane who just yell at their kids and then don't carry through on any of their consequences?

Gosh no! I am a parent. Good parents give their kids consequences and they don't back off.

And then 30 minutes later, I told Morgan in my very big Lizzy Stern Voice, "Get your shoes on and get in the car." She was surprised. Oh no, now what? I could see it in her eyes. We got in my car, I stopped by her friend's house and called her mom to send her out. When Shelby was in the car, I told them that I was taking them to Walmart and they had $11 to buy snacks for the next day so plan together and buy wisely. Yay! They were so excited. We stopped by Starbucks and got their new hand-crafted sodas (yum), and then I dropped Shelby off at home. I then gave Morgan an option: sleep with me since it was our last night together for three days and get her phone back, or sleep in her own bed and take Siena's basic phone with her.

Really? Morgan almost shouted for joy. We watched TV, talked in bed, and bonded. It was a fun end of the evening.

Hey, I did not get her Subway for lunch the next day. Instead I made her a lunch. I did stay firm on one consequence, right?

Yes, consistency is not my strong point as a parent. I'm a total push-over. Any my kids know it.

Bad Mom, I am.

Divorced Moms column: 10 resolutions for the new school year

My latest Divorced Moms column is out!

10 Resolutions For The Upcoming School Year
by Lizzy Smith                     

August 07, 2014

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At the end of the summer, I'm always really bummed to let go of the "un-structure." I love not having the pressure of helping with homework, packing lunches, managing morning carpool, ensuring that backpacks are pre-packed before going to bed, and juggling endless after school activities. But ready or not, school is back in session in less than two weeks for us. And as I stare at the inevitable, I made some resolutions for the year ahead. Maybe if I say focused, we will have the best school year ever. My list is now on my refrigerator door so I am continually reminded of my goals. Here they are:

I will cook dinner and we will eat together 
The dinner table is a critical component in raising healthy kids. This summer, I've failed miserably. In fact, if I'm not hungry, I forget that I should feed them at all. But once school starts, I am re-committing to cooking dinner several nights per week and eating together.

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Divorced Moms column: 5 Reasons Why I Don't Hit My Children

My latest Divorced Moms column is out. Hope you all had a fabulous 4th of July weekend. Ours was nice. Peaceful and relaxing. We leave for LA in just four days, yay!

5 Reasons Why I Don't Hit My Children (as tempting as it can be)
Lizzy Smith                    

July 07, 2014

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I will never forget the time that my then seven year old daughter pushed me to the edge of madness. It was last summer and we had just boarded our cruise ship in Copenhagen. As I was unpacking, something upset her. I don’t even remember what it was. But she literally started screaming at the top of her lungs. A full on child temper tantrum. I was speechless, stunned and frozen. A million possible reactions ran through my mind, none of which seemed a good idea. Do I slap her or throw something against a wall? What are the people around us thinking? That I'm beating the crap out of my child when, in reality, I hadn't touched her? My 13 year old daughter stared at me to see how I was going to react. My heart pounded and I was beyond furious, nearly out of my mind with red hot anger. I walked into our tiny little bathroom, shut the door, and sat on the toilet seat with my hands shaking. Gathering my thoughts, trying to calm down, trying to come up with an action plan. I was frightened at how close I had come to harming my child.

When I was ready, I left the bathroom and sat on the bed next to her and looked in her eyes. “Listen up,” I said calmly, so calmly that she, I think, was truly afraid of me. “If you ever do that again, I will grab you by the arm and push you into the hallway and shut the door behind you. You will then be standing in the hallway alone while everyone on the ship realizes that a seven year old child isn’t being touched or hurt and is just acting like a two year old. You will be totally embarrassed. I am also taking all your dolls away from you (we had purchased several small dolls at some of the cities we had visited on the trip) and they are mine until we get home, . And even then, you only get them back if you have behaved. Questions?”

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Latest Divorced Moms column: An Interview With My (Very Smart) Teen Daughter

My latest Divorced Moms column is out!

An Interview With My (Very Smart) Teen Daughter

March 31, 2014 

By Lizzy Smith                            

Girls and middle school are a bad mix. They can be so vicious and catty to each other that it boggles the mind. I remember those years all too well and, yikes. And now that I have a teen daughter of my own (and another on her heels), just watching her try to navigate these difficult years gives me nightmares. I’m doing my best to crawl inside her head and understand what’s going on in there so I can be a better mom. How do I motivate her, help her, support her, and keep her safe?

In general, we are really close. We talk a lot, spend loads of time together, and I try to listen. I do my best not to lecture and preach. I want her to know that, no matter what, I will always be her biggest ally, fan and champion.

As I was talking to a friend about parenting and teens, I had a thought. Why don’t I ask my daughter what she thinks we parents ought to know. Since I think she is smart and insightful, she is my subject matter expert. So I wrote out a list of questions and handed it to her with a pen. She said she loved filling it out. I thought I’d share.

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2 more Divorced Moms columns are published!

I am writing a lot more often these days on Divorced Moms! Here are two of the most recent. Enjoy!

Dear Lizzy: What Did I Do Wrong? 10 Mistakes On a First Date

By Lizzy Smith                   

March 19, 2014

Dear Lizzy,
I met a guy for dinner and I really like him. But he’s gone silent on me. I’ve called and texted him but he hasn’t responded. I noticed he’s still on the dating sites and “active within the past 24 hours.” I don’t know what went wrong. The only thing I can think of is that during our dinner, I got a phone call from another guy I’ve been dating casually. I don’t even like him that much but I answered and gave him my home address. When my date said, “Oh, lots of other men, huh?” I thought it was good that he know he had competition, right? So I told him that I can have any guy I want so he better not slack. I was joking and surely he knew it. We both laughed and the rest of the date went great. He even kissed me goodnight. What should I do? I think I’m going to drop by his work and drop off some of my famous cookies. Thoughts?
J
Dear J,
Yikes! Do not take him cookies to work! You cannot become a crazy stalker under any circumstance.

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5 Bedtime Routines To Calm the Frazzled Mom

By Lizzy Smith                   

March 17, 2014

My favorite time of the entire day is right before I go to bed. I love that solace time. Quiet. Peaceful. Mine. Sometimes I blog or do a little online shopping. I research and plan upcoming trips because I love to travel (in less than three months, we’re flying to Venice!). I take long baths and read. Or lately, I’ve been catching up on past episodes of House of Cards (I’m so addicted). My biggest complaint is that there is rarely enough time to enjoy it for very long before I fall asleep.

When I first became a mom, I let my daughter stay up far too late. Bedtime was sometimes eleven o’clock at night, which meant I had zero time to myself. When I adjusted her bedtime to something more reasonable, it was wonderful. For the first time, we had a more controlled evening, a nicer bedtime routine, and I had time to unwind for myself. She slept better and so did I. There was no turning back. With a second daughter in the picture, I stuck even more rigidly to routine. Because around nine o’clock at night, I was (am!) totally done with being a mom.

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And "this" is why I blog! (when your kids' dad sends letters like this, telling your side is a necessity)

When I left Rob, he promised to tell the girls what a horrible mother I was and how it was all my fault they were deprived of an amazing dad like him. While I was getting chemo and fighting for my life, he endlessly told me that when I died or when they were a little older, he'd give them an earful about me. So ensuring my voice was heard and my story was told was essential to me.

Just yesterday I was sifting through old documents for my lawsuit against Rob and I came across a copy of a letter Rob wrote to his then 16 year old daughter. I'm going to share portions of it with you. Reading it literally takes my breath away. It is so inappropriate and outrageous that I don't even know where to begin. But I'll let you come to your own conclusions. But it's because Rob is capable of stuff like this that I blog.

Dear K,

I have done nothing to deserve the way you've treated me in the past and are doing today. And you know it. I have no idea why you're acting out towards me the way you are. Trust me, I've searched my heart and soul and cannot understand it. ... And it's sad. you, sad for me, sad for everyone in this situation. But I also realized I can't change it and even if I could, I wouldn't. You are responsible for your actions and you'll need to live with how that impacts the relationships and your life, whether it be good or bad.

If your intent is to simply try and make me sad and unhappy, then that's a sad statement of where you are emotionally and intellectually. If your intent is to win some kind of game (a game that I'm not even playing with you), then that, too, is sad. If your intent is to try and make me sad and as miserable as you are inside, that's sad. ... Does it make sense to purposely, and without merit, be mean to and cut off the very people who could help you the most or be there for you when you need it? It's not a wise choice, K, and your belief that that's a good course of action shows your lack of maturity and life experience. If someone's advising you to behave this way, you ought to think long and hard why that is. It's simply inexplicable behavior on your part.

If you are looking to your mom as a role model in your life, please proceed very cautiously. No matter how you want to try and examine or justify it, she is not a positive role model. You may think she is but if you do, that's a very sad commentary on where you're going to find yourself in relationships .... I hope you turn out far differently than she has, although at this moment, I'm no so optimistic since she is your main influencer now. It's quite worrisome. ... .

I will always love you but your behavior and actions have hurt me immensely. Does that make you happy? I certainly hope not. But if it does, mission accomplished. If not and when you're ready to repair this relationship, I am always open to you. I will love your forever, no matter what. And don't ever forget that or believe otherwise. Despite what you might have been told, I have plenty of love in my heart for all my children, my wife, my family, and my friends. My love is not in limited supply, despite what you might have been told by someone else with ulterior motives of her own-- motives that your probably won't come close to comprehending until your are much older.

On my end, while I am deeply saddened and disappointed about your and my relationship, I am in a very good place. For the first time in my life, I have a very happy, healthy and loving relationship with my equal-- someone I adore and respect and who feels the same way about me. ...

I wish you the best in everything. I think you have a very long way to get there and, deny all you want, I think you know that. You have a lot of personal demons that you must confront and make peace with...

Dad

Latest Divorced Moms column: Angry with your ex? Don't use your children as a weapon

My latest Divorce Moms (www.divorcedmoms.com) column is out! And, thank you to William for providing me with this beautiful photo of him with his girls. Priceless.

Angry at Your Ex? Don't Use Your Children as a Weapon                     

By Lizzy Smith, Contributor - November 30, 2013

 

Several years ago, my boyfriend, David, had two beautiful daughters. They were the same age as my daughter, Morgan, so we spent a lot of time together. David was a great dad. He was completely devoted to them.

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The kids are not alright

When I met Rob and we raced forward with our relationship, I was concerned about Morgan, my daughter who was seven years old at the time and in first grade. Was she alright with my dating? Post my divorce, I had dated two men: David and Todd. She knew David well and we spent a lot of time with him and his two daughters who were Morgan's age. We even traveled together. But beyond a simple hug, she never saw us be affectionate and she knew David simply as Mommy's friend. Morgan never met Todd.

After several months, I told Morgan that Mommy was dating Rob. At first, she thought it really weird and then she got used to it. When Rob and I decided to buy the new house and told her that Rob and I were getting married, she was ecstatic. In the few months Rob and I had dated, Rob and Morgan became very close. She loved him and she went to school and told her teacher that "My mom and I are getting married to Rob!" And she quickly called him Daddy. They were very close and Morgan loved to do all the things that Rob did-- diving off a boat, fishing, playing with lobsters and did fish, you name it. And I know that Rob loved Morgan.

Rob's two daughters Kalie and Nicole? Well that was a very different story. First, Rob told me that his girls were fine with his dating again. He and Terri had separated in July, six months prior, and Terri had a new boyfriend and everyone had moved on. Of course, that wasn't true. Terri had just moved out of their home a few weeks prior to our meeting and his girls were in deep emotional pain. In my defense, I had no idea. Completely clueless, I was or trust me, I would never in a million years have started dating this man.

The first time I met Nicole, Rob's oldest daughter, my first impression was that she was a very troubled girl. While she was pretty, I could tell in a second that she was smoking pot and probably doing other drugs. At one time, she had been a very good student but currently was barely making it through her classes, often ditching classes, smoking a lot of pot, and had some very questionable "friends." Nicole and her mom were not on good terms and Nicole was refusing to go to her mom's house for her weeks of custody. Rob said that Terri didn't like Nicole. They both told me of one story in which Terri had confiscated Nicole's phone. They were at Albertsons, the local grocery store, and had run into Terri, who had followed them both up and down isles trying to tell Rob that she had received many text messages on Nicole's phone in which the texter was trying to arrange drug buys with her. Rob thought it funny and blew it off. The result was that Rob no longer encouraged Nicole to go to her mother's house at all and she was living fulltime with Rob.

By the time we moved into our new home, Nicole had a new boyfriend, Tim. Tim was a nice enough boy but he, like Nicole, was going through some major issues. They spent hours and hours at the new house swimming, making out and nearly having sex in our loft, sleeping, going out and partying, and asking Rob for money, which he dutifully handed over.

Right away, I was already starting to get upset about that scenario. I demanded that we put some rules in the house because this was not working for me. No boys upstairs. Period. No making out in front of a seven year old child. No having sex in the house. No drugs EVER. All agreed.

One day shortly after moving into our new house, Nicole screamed at Bob: "I hate this house! I never wanted to move here. I want my old house. You never even asked!"

I was floored. She wasn't happy? She now had a big new house, a bigger room, a pool, central A/C, a better neighborhood. I thought all the kids should be thrilled, right? Stupid, clueless, gullible me.

And there that was Kalie. I really liked Kalie from Day One. She seemed kind, thoughtful, intuitive, smart and savvy. Initially, according to Rob, she told her dad she was fine with him dating but, really, what is a child supposed to say?

After Rob and I got engaged but before we moved into the house, Rob, Morgan, Kalie and I went to my BFF's Julie and Shane's for the weekend. While Rob disappeared to find a bar and drink, Kalie and I went shopping to look for a dress for our wedding. We found a beautiful one that looked amazing on her at Ann Taylor. It was a little pricey at $250 but I bought it for her anyway. I told her if we found something we liked better, we could always return it.

Rob flipped out and demanded we return the dress. Kalie was really upset. I think the dress signified something significant for her: something beautiful in the face of ugliness, and when she wore it, she felt pretty and hopeful. That set Rob and Kalie on a collision course. Kalie was sometimes openly hostile to her dad. Rob blew it off. "Kalie and I are tight. You just wait and see. She'll soon understand that her dad is the only one who can help her be successful in life and that her mom's a loser."

And so he started badmouthing Terri in front of Kalie like you can't believe. And there I was, going right along with it.

We'd hear things like: Your mom doesn't have enough money to pay for that house she rented. Without me, she'd have nothing because I'm the one with the money and she still depends on me. Her budget doesn't work out. Her job is stupid. I could've gotten her a better paying job at the company (they worked for the same place) but she's just too lazy.

I, who earned a substantial living and truly was self sufficient, would hear about her income and expenses and would be baffled. Wow, how was she going to pay those bills? And, truth be told, I was pissed off. Thanks to Rob's ex wife, I was the one writing check after check trying to cover these enormous expenses. I was literally drowning and the more horrible stories about this woman that I heard, the angrier and more frustrated I became.

It wasn't long before Rob and Kalie got in a huge fight in which Rob threw her cell phone in the pool, Terri came to pick up Kalie from our house, they called the police on Rob, and Kalie and Rob didn't speak for a few months. I've already covered that event in this blog so I won't rehash it here.

"The kids are fine!" Rob told me when I brought up the chaos going on in our home.

No,Rob, your kids are not alright.

And our wedding date kept getting closer and closer.