Utah girl gets nearly booted from school dance for "naughty" dress, then gets cyberbullied by students. How do we teach our kids to give bullies the middle finger?

I just couldn't leave the whole Lone Peak High School "dress" controversy alone. I wrote an article about it via Divorced Moms.

Becoming Bully Proof: How To Help Our Children Get A Thick Skin
by Lizzy Smith                    

February 06, 2015

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I live in Utah, a very conservative bastion of religious conservatives. A few weeks ago, a girl named Gabi made national headlines because some chaperons at a Lone Peak High School dance determined that she was dressed immodestly (she was showing too much shoulder) and she could either wear a coat or go home. (Gabi is pictured to the right wearing the dress and shoes in question. Seriously, I want that dress!!! But I digress.) Feeling humiliated in front of her date and not wanting to go home, she went out to her car and wore a winter coat throughout the entire dance, finally covered enough to satisfy the gatekeepers. Someone at the dance took a photo and posted it on a social media site and it went viral.

The next thing you know, Gabi was on local news programs, and then many national news outlets, including People magazine. In this heavily religious community, many defended the chaperons' decisions, noting that school rules required that straps be at least two inches in width and where was a ruler showing that those straps truly were two inches wide? And rules are rules, thank goodness for modesty because there needs to be standards and immodest girls tempt boys and lead to all the problems in the world. Others pointed out that Gabi looked beautiful and it was outrageous that a dress like this one would get anyone barred from a school activity.

A week later, my boyfriend and I went to that same high school for a basketball game. I wasn't even thinking about "dance-gate." About 30-minutes into the game, I noticed several girls who were dressed in 1950's-style dresses showing lots of shoulders and back. I started laughing and pointed it out, "Look, protestors for that girl who got kicked out of the dance." We laughed and thought it bold, awesome and creative.

And then I realized that those girls weren't protestors. They were the dance team of Lone Peak High School wearing school-approved attire that was far more "immodest" than Abby's dress. Wow. If there is one thing that gets under my skin like no other, it's hypocrisy-- especially on the heels of "the great Lone Peak High School controversy." And one in which its principal, Rhonda Bromley, defended that decision. (Honestly, I think the dancers' dresses are fine, and I think Gabi's dress is beautiful, demure and beyond ok for a high school dance, too.)

I took to Facebook and posted the photos I took at the basketball game. Most of my friends and followers thought the entire episode nuts. Yet some thought that the dancers were ok (it was a "sporting event") and Gabi a rule-breaker and her mother ought to be blamed for allowing her daughter to wear a dress like that.

I eventually started private messaging Gabi's mother, who I did not know prior to this first contact. She shared with me that Gabi was being bullied from some students. Gabi was called her a media-whore who just wanted attention, to get famous, and get on TV and in magazines. Gabi felt shamed and awful about the whole thing and so did her mom.

Lovely. I love religious piety (not).

Which got me to thinking about bullying. Growing up, there were students who were bullied. Some kids, for whatever reason, were picked on, beat up and teased. Oftentimes, there was no apparent reason behind it other than, well, "luck." And during seventh grade, I felt a little of that, too. I somehow lost almost all of my friends (I don't even know why) and spent a very lonely year almost alone, trying to hide in the bathrooms at lunch because my only friend, Virginia, might not have been at school that day. It was awful. But at least back then, in order to bully someone, you had to do it in person, usually with an audience watching. These days, thanks to social media, it's easy to anonymously bully. Plus, it's easy to say things in the cyber-world that one might never have the guts to say in person. I think bullying is intense and getting worse.

My then 13-year old daughter was the target of bullying last summer. I allowed her to get a second ear piercing and that, apparently, was not ok in these parts. She got anonymous messages on AskFM accusing her of being bad and not loving Jesus. Some told her no boy would ever like her and she was ugly and stupid because of that piercing. It was disturbing and disgusting.

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It's gettin' mighty judgmental in Mormonville

I live in glorious Utah County, home of the most conservative Mormon population on the planet. While much of the time, this is a fabulous thing, sometimes it's not. The Mormon church sponsors Girl's Camp every summer. Stakes (several Mormon congregations wrap up to a stake) organize a five day retreat for girls age 13 to 18. Morgan went two years ago here in Utah. Last summer, she went to Girls Camp in Long Beach with my BFF's daughter, Devynn. And this year, Morgan has decided she won't be going at all. We'll actually be in Europe during Girls Camp but she wouldn't go if she could. The drama between girls of this age is just ridiculous. And in Utah, the drama caused by nonsensical "standards" is just out of control and, in my opinion, downright stupid. So we opt out. These standards include the dangers of showing a kneecap or shoulder or, heaven forbid, having a second ear piercing. Are you flippin' kidding me?

So I have a few Girls Camp stories told to me by other girls in our neighborhood.

• N went to Girls Camp last year. They were all sleeping in tents and N went to shower and when she started making her way back to her tent, she could hear the girls in the tent next to hers talking about her. She sat down outside the tent and just listened to them. They said things like she was a bad example because she had an extra ear piercing. She didn't go to Sacrament meeting often enough (Sacrament meeting is the main meeting, equivalent to Mass) so she shouldn't be at Girls Camp. Oh, gosh, girls, how about church is for everyone, not just the (self righteous) people? How about a second ear piercing has absolutely nothing to do with character and behavior? Needless to say, N isn't going to Girls Camp this summer. To her face, these girls are super nice. They even drop off brownies and cookies and the like all the time. They stop by her house almost weekly to see if she needs a ride to Young Women's activities. But behind her back, it's a whole other story. The Bishop lives across the street. His daughter is one of the ringleaders of this gaggle of girls that talk behind N's back. But yet she goes over to N's house in the mornings before school and changes out of the tops and shorts she leaves the house wearing in favor of something she likes better but doesn't pass the standards of her very conservative parents. Wow-- in a few years I wonder what else this girl will be doing behind her parents' backs if she isn't doing it already. 
• C went to girls camp a day after it started. Prior to that, she was on a family vacation at the beach where she Instagramed photos of herself wearing a two-piece swimsuit. When she got to girls camp and got to her assigned tent, the girls had staged and intervention of sorts. They were gravely concerned over her swimsuit and reminded C that she was being a very bad example and on the road to apostasy. C left the tent for a while to calm down. When she returned, several of the girls had moved out of the tent, refusing to sleep in the same place as C. C called her mom to get her immediately because she wasn't about to stay another minute with those girls.
• D went to girls camp and one of the girls is a true Mean Girl who has targeted D. The entire week was spent talking behind D's back, ignoring her and, when no one was looking, pointing fingers at D, laughing at her, and making those "knowing looks" between the other girls. D isn't going either.

Really? Is this what the (well meaning) Young Women's advisors are teaching these girls? Girls across the country and across faiths and backgrounds can be evil. It is a tough age and girls are a nightmare. But when you're teaching endlessly to judge each other based on (in my opinion) things that are so unimportant in the grand scheme of things, it really isn't helpful. Instead of talking about the Big Stuff, like cyber safety, abuse, the dangers of drugs and alcohol, teen sex, bullying, they spend oodles of time talking about dress codes. If only the biggest thing that I, as a parent, need to worry about it shorts that don't hit the kneecap. I mean, seriously, WTF.

I discussed this with one of our Young Women's advisors. She said, "Well, one things leads to bigger things." Um, no.... For real? I mean please tell me where these people come from? If there is something extreme, like a 14 year old girl who is wearing hoochie shorts, has 10 ear piercings and loads of tattoos and only wears dark goth clothing, then maybe there s something else Very Big goig on with that child and someone should try to find out what. Is she being abused, bullied, struggling with depression... what? It's not about "that girl is so unrighteous let's SHUN HER."



About a year ago, our stake hosted a Standards Night on a Tuesday eve for the young women and their mothers at the Stake Center, Sunday dress required. Morgan and I showed up a few minutes late and had to sit in the second row in front of the speaker, which had we sat anywhere else, I would have walked out 20 minutes into the whole thing. Instead of talking about all kinds of "standards", it was a one hour forty minute lecture on the church's version of "modesty." It was horrifying, long and totally inappropriate. Some of the highlights of this train wreck:

1. A video of boys just off their mission where they were asked such doozies as "What do you think of a girl who dresses immodestly" and "Would you date a girl who doesn't dress modestly?" and "What would you like to tell a girl about how she should dress?" I kid you not. I think my mouth was hitting the floor. Offensive, no? If my girls ever dated one of these self righteous boys, I would have her kidnapped and sent to a convent in Italy for five years. What parents are raising boys with such a mindset that they'd even participate in an interview like this?
2. A woman who sobbed through a good portion of her presentation as she described finding a modest prom dress for her daughter and then, thanks to her prayers to God, was able to find the exact same matching shoes online. "Girls," she cried. "The Lord wants you to look modest and beautiful and God provided a direct answer to my prayers to help my daughter dress modestly." I wanted to slap this woman. So let's see... first STOP sniveling. Second, God cares more about your daughter's shoes than, say, the children in the Ivory Coast who are being kidnapped from their families (oftentimes after their families are murdered or had their arms chopped off), given loads of drugs and a machine gun and told to go kill other people in the war for... who knows why they're fighting...? And third, your physical appearance is of the utmost concern to God because Jesus taught that during his ministry... ? Holy flipping hell.
3. Another woman talked about how skinny jeans and any pants with embellishments on the pockets were immodest and they shouldn't be wearing them. Thanks, Lady, for making that decision for ME, the mother. And thanks for telling all these girls that half of their mothers are little hussies because we wear skinny jeans. I mean, seriously, what right does this woman have to make authoritative statements about that anyway, I mean, if that's her OPINION, hey to each their own, but say that!
4. A man talked about how they didn't watch beach volleyball on TV because those women dressed way to immodestly and they just didn't need to see it. They also stopped getting the Victoria's Secret catalog in their home because it just wasn't appropriate either.

It went on and on and on. Morgan and I were kicking each other under the pews. Add to that, I was hungry and the AC vent was right above my head and I was FREEZING. If it wasn't for the fact that it was so dang cold I would've thought we were sitting in Hell.

I know the Mormon church means well. The way you present yourself to the world conveys a huge message. If you want to convey that you're a girl looking for a good time, there's ways to dress accordingly. If you want to convey that you're troubled, you can do that, too. How about teaching those messages? Dressing appropriately for the occasion and for your body type. Besides, "modesty" encompasses a whole lot more than kneecaps and shoulders, duh. But somehow, in this wacky culture, that's what it has boiled down to.

When it comes to church activities, hey, it's their club and they get to set the rules. If there's a dress code, no problem, Communicate what that is and make no apologies, no excuses, and no exceptions if you want. But beyond that, the church does NOT get to try and dictate what my daughters or, even worse, what I wear. That's MY job as their parent and I do NOT appreciate the overstepping of bounds.

 

My dad, bless his heart, is as conservative Mormon as they come. When we first moved to Utah and we were living with them, my dad and I were going to walk to my uncle's home, which is about five blocks away. I was wearing denim shorts that hit my knee and a sleeveless top that actually came up almost to my collarbone. Did I mention it was, like, 150 degrees outside? My dad asked that I get a sweater and wear it before we left the house because I was showing (gasp) my shoulders. Um, let's get this straight, dad.i.love.you.so.very.much, not only no, but Hell No. I made a decision that second that I didn't care one twit what my neighbors thought about my clothing choices, or the clothes that my daughters wore. While I hardly dress like a hooker, I do wear shorts that are far shorter than the knee and I wear tank tops and sleeveless sundresses almost every day. And so do my daughters. I have no idea if I offend my neighbors but if I do, it really isn't my problem.

I wish that there was far more time spent (and believing) that the most important things to teach in church are Christ-like attributes, like love, kindness, acceptance and forgiveness. And to teach of Christ's ministry and other stories from the Bible. Teaching how to be good people-- honesty and morals, repentance and FORGIVENESS. To foster a welcoming community.

A few days ago, William and I took the girls to the This is The Place park. It is an area where the Mormon pioneers settled in Salt Lake City. Those people were amazing. Talk about having each other's backs. They had a very tough journey to get to Salt Lake and when they did, the support they had for one another was unimaginable. Total love, acceptance, and support. Resilient, strong, faithful. I wish we were more of that Mormon and less of some of the stuff I sometimes see out here. Well, I can't change that, I can only strive for teaching my daughters by example something different. (Eek-- after reading this post, I suppose I'm being really judgmental myself. Well, touché. See? I own my faults!)

I love Utah, I really do. But there's a few things that I find so completely nuts and harmful that I cannot and will not be silent about it. And this is one of them. These modesty lessons I find so completely harmful that I'm going to harp on it. Maybe if a few saner voices start speaking up, it'll help. 

Dating in Mormon Mecca (i.e. Utah County)

Islam has Mecca and Medina. Mormons have Utah. And with the exception of Temple Square in Salt Lake City, no place is more Mormon-y than Utah County, home of Brigham Young University (the Lord's school) and the town I now live in. This is a great place to live and raise children. And it's also really weird at times.

The great part about living here is that it is so clean. The people, in general, are squeaky clean. On Sundays, most of the stores are nearly empty. Movie theatres? Empty, too. Best restaurants? No waits. Everyone helps their neighbors, dresses really conservatively, which means you don't see a lot of shoulders or kneecaps (this is extreme, if you ask me). But you also don't see crotches and pubic hairs and nipples either. There's very little bad language used. I probably have the sauciest mouth in these parts. The roads are in good shape. The schools are new and impressive. People value family and children, morals, honesty, and goodness. The average size family is probably five children, no kidding.

The weird part of Utah County begins with the dress code. I got dirty looks when I took Siena out Trick or Treating last year. Apparently my skirt was far too short, even though I had thick tights and boots with it.

And then there's the whole troublesome thing about my wearing spaghetti strapped dresses and my children wearing shorts that don't go anywhere near their knees and even wear (gasp!) two piece girls being told at church that showing their shoulders or knees to a boy may be the cause of his naughty thoughts. I don't agree with that mindset and I find it troublesome, actually. While I'm no fan of risqué clothing on children, I hardly draw the line there. 

It is really odd to drive around the neighborhood on a Sunday and every single family in your entire neighborhood, is dressed up and heading to church or home from church. It's really Stepford. Are these people real? I wonder...

In the Mormon church, you don't pick a time and location and just be a member of that church. Oh, no, the church is far too organized for that. Members would church hop, find the best one, and that church would be so huge and unmanageable that it wouldn't work. So they spread it out by assigning you to which church based on where you live that you will attend. And attend we Mormons do because, above all else, we are obedient to Priesthood directives. We call these churches wards. And in our ward, I kid you not, there is one girl (yes, ONE) in the Young Women's program (ages 12-18) that doesn't go to church. Ever. So all the Young Women are trying to activate her. Well, except Morgan, who thinks this girl should be left alone and not shamed or cajoled (my word) into coming. But, good girls that she is, she complies. This month, they're dropping off Secret Santa gifts to her. Tonight was Morgan's turn. We put lotion and shower gel in a bag and left it on her front door step. I can't imagine how weird that must be for that girl. Every time someone in the ward is nice to her at school, she must be thinking they all just want me to come to church. I mean, it's nice, it really is. But if this girl really wants her space, it's just stalking her.

Which brings me to my point. Dating in Mormon Mecca Utah Valley is also really weird. From what I can tell, there is a ginormous group of Mormons who are super involved in these church or church-type dances. They go every Friday and Saturday and this same big group shows up at pretty much all of them. They also do devotionals on Sunday, Family Home Evening groups on Monday, line dancing lessons on Tuesdays, Temple work on Thursdays followed by religion classes, and back to the dances. I hear the scoop from my aunt, who is dating again, my cousin Jeremy, who goes for a few minutes to several activities and then cannot stomach it anymore and leaves, and my friend Michael. The stories are all cringe-worthy and very un-normal, if you ask me. From what I can tell, these people are looking for a wedding. If they don't feel that's going to happen very quickly, time to move on. Ugh! Forget about falling in love and enjoying the dating phase and getting to know each other and let it all developing naturally. Oh no, it's a race to the alter so you can "be married" and can then have sex. And, once married, I dare say that most of those women expect to quit their jobs and stay at home regardless of their age and earning potential. All great reasons to get married. Not.

And then there's the other group that goes to all the single's activities: They never plan on getting remarried and they just hang out. It's the same group of people going to the same types of activities. They talk about each other, there's loads of drama, certain people have reputations known by everyone. It's very high school, especially for people who are middle age and older.

And then there are those on the opposite end who decided that wasn't their path so they are just going to date a lot, have sex with as many women who will let them, and there you have it.

It's oftentimes one extreme to the other with little in between. Not there those in-betweens don't exist because, obviously, they do. But you have to look for them.

On Sunday morning, after our lovely weekend in Deer Valley, William asked me if I thought the reason we had such a nice, easy, "normal" relationship was because I wasn't from Utah and wasn't your typical Mormon girl. He has been single and living in Utah longer than me so that's an honest observation, I think.

I had to think about that one for a moment. What kind of relationship do we have? It is easy. We never fight. Ever. Two small fights that register about a 2 from what I endured from my ex husband. And no other tiffs. We are very much alike. We laugh a lot and do really fun things often. And that all is at face value; no strings attached. So, yes, I told him. I think that helps. I think the relationship we have is very normal outside of Utah County. Thank goodness!

I have met a few very cool guys up here that are "normal" in the dating world. William is one of them and I think he rocks. He knows me as well as anyone (maybe Julie and my mom being the exception). He accepts me, Myeloma warrior and all.

Dating in Utah is culturally bizarre. I still like these people out here, in general. How can you not? There all so dang nice and helpful. And I love Utah. There is so much to do. I have a huge long list and we try to get through it all. I mean, we really make a huge effort to get out and do and explore and experience. And every time I cross one thing on my list, I add four more. I absolutely love it here. I appreciate it. I see God here. I marvel at it. I'm awestruck much of the time. The theatre and performing arts rivals many very large US cities (with the exception of New York, LA, Chicago and maybe San Francisco). Other than that, they're par with the best. People are smart and educated (even though many will play at being simple and a little ditzy 'til you realize they have, like, four degrees and speak Mandarin Chinese, Farsi, English, and a Danish). While many are not "great" people, they mostly try to be better Every day. Their religion and culture requires it. And if you're going to be a good Mormon, you'll fall in line and be obedient and at least try.

Dating in Mecca is entertaining. And it's also a mixed bag. So far, I've been lucky. With the exception of the guy who met me for an afternoon soda. He had a side business where he would give couples coaching lessons on how to give each other sensual massages. Oftentimes, that meant he would get very sexually physical with one or both partners. A few times, he ended up having sex with the woman and watching the couple have sex during his sessions. He offered to give me a complimentary massage, just the two of us, anytime I wanted one.

I literally choked on my lemonade. Asked a few questions because I was absolutely amazed, and said I had to go and that I'd call him later. He texted me 20 times after that and I didn't respond to any of them. Nice enough. Cute enough. Too strange though. Did no one tell him to keep that business a secret to new dates? Yikes, he needs dating counseling but I'm not the one to do it!