Verbal Abuse Via Text. Another Crazy Exchange with Rob the Great Alcoholicc

Here is my latest column via Divorced Moms. Happy Labor Day weekend, my dear readers!

Lizzy

Alcoholism Hell. A Text "Conversation" With My Drunk Abusive Ex Hubby
By Lizzy Smith                   

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September 05, 2016

During my marriage to Rob the Great (Alcoholic), I was often left scratching my head on how we could be getting along one minute and the next – bam! – we would get in the biggest arguments one could imagine. Of course, looking back on my life married to a drunk, it was the alcoholic. Unstable, mean, makes no sense at all, world of alcoholism.

Flash forward to today, I am happily divorced from The Drunk and have rebuilt my life. I still struggle with my health (myeloma, a blood cancer) and try to be a good mom (even though I too often fail). But at least I’m away from the severe abuse that accompanies an addict.

And so after four years of not speaking, texting or emailing Rob, and his total abandonment of two daughters, he reappeared in February, texting and calling the girls on a regular basis. I was happy and relieved. I prayed often begging God that he would stick around this time. I was hopeful. He invited Mo (our 16 year old) out to San Diego to spend five days with him, he bought her a plane ticket. This was happening!

About a week before “Mo’s” scheduled departure, I got a text from Rob. My heart stopped. Because his communications would often send me into anxiety attacks. They could be so brutally mean and awful. And going back and reading this exchange, I had proof right in front of me that perfectly illustrates my point that Rob was and still is explosive and unpredictable. And a drunk (his many promises to quit drinking have not happened—he is as awful as ever). Words are powerful, especially in the written form, because you can come back to them. And here it goes snippets of our text exchange… (some edits were made to get rid of typos)

August 3, 11:02 AM from Rob to me (Rob is likely sober at this time of day)

Sorry to hear [you are sick]. I did not know [that]. Take care.

My note: Back when I was diagnosed with Stage III multiple myeloma, I told Rob about my diagnosis. He filed outrageous documents with Family Court saying that I wasn’t sick, that I needed to get back to work, and I was making this all up to get sympathy from people. I filed letters from my oncologist – letters that Rob received copies of letters from my oncologist that detailed my health status. Still, Rob denied I was sick, and told mutual friends and his family that I was just trying to get his money. It was disgusting.

From me to Rob
“I’ve been sick for 4.5 years! And I’m in Washington, DC often in a clinical trial at NIH. You know I’ve been sick.

From Rob to me
I didn’t mean to upset you. Last I read about it. You were in remission. That was years ago. I don’t go on social media and only know what I last saw. Now I know. I’m hopeful the trials go well and you recover. Take care.

My note: Maybe there is hope that Rob and I can get along. Maybe he has grown a soul. Cross fingers, crossing fingers. Pray.

It is now 4:19 PM when Rob reappears via text. By now, he has likely been at a bar for over an hour. He often leaves work really super early, takes his work phone and answers emails so his boss and coworkers think he’s still “working.” Instead, he is typically getting wasted. Seriously, some of his “best friends” are bartenders and cocktail waitresses. It’s so sad. Luckily, he works for a utility company and it’s nearly impossible to get fired. The most incompetent employees get promoted or shuttled off to another department so he becomes someone else’s problem.

4:19 PM text from Rob to me
Where is the new dad? (Referring to my husband of about a year)

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Bully me? Ok, TRY IT!

I haven't written in awhile because: 1) my kids are out of school for the summer and I didn't have time; 2) my myeloma relapsed and I've been in more doctor's offices than I can count and is it ever time consuming; 3) I was trying to make peace with my ex husband, Rob the Great (Alcoholic). But I am back! Mostly because Rob has given me so much fresh content and it's so unbelievable crazy that I have to share. Trust me, living among an alcoholic is one of the most AWFUL experiences one can imagine. And the things an alcoholic is capable of doing is stunning and limitless. So here's to writing again, sharing my story, and hopefully letting others out there know that they are not alone.


Open Letter To The Biggest Asshole on the Planet, My Ex Husband
By Lizzy Smith
                   

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August 28, 2016

Many women think their ex is Satan. And maybe he is. But my ex is a special evil kind of man. The lowest of the low. A liar. A bully. And a drunk.

When I got a cancer diagnosis, he literally spit in my face. He is so disgusting, there are truly no words.

When my ex (Rob the Great [Alcoholic]) and I split, he vanished from our two daughters' lives. I mean, he totally disappeared-- no birthday cards, phone calls or texts. He literally shattered their hearts. They didn't understand why. They blamed themselves. It was HORRIBLE. For four years, silence. He blamed it on my blog but this man vanished from their lives some 10 months before I wrote a single word about him.

And then, out of the blue, in February he started calling and texting the girls almost every day. We were all stunned. Why now? What was his motive? My oldest was very guarded in her communication with him, terrified he would just vanish again. Eventually, though, they started warming up to him. A few months later, he invited our oldest daughter, "Mo", to visit him for five days in San Diego and he offered to pay her flight and all their activities. It was a scary but an exciting invite so we said yes. I was truly supportive of their rebuilding their relationship.

About a week before Mo's departure, Rob started texting me with all kinds of bizarre demands, which I will detail later. All of these demands included "if you don't do xyz, I will cut the girls out of my life again." One "request" included my putting in writing that I would end my friendship with his ex wife, Tina (we are great friends), and his two daughters until HE decided I could have a relationship with them again.

Say what? What are we, ten years old? Hell no, I would NOT agree to that because The Drunk does NOT dictate my adult friendships. Another request required Mo helping perpetuate a Big Huge Myth of Rob's real living situation. Those details I will write about later, too. I told Mo that we don't lie or help others lie- ever - and she could say and do anything that was in her good judgement regardless of what Rob was demanding.

All this aside, I was as nice and accommodating with Rob as I could be. I thanked him. I told him how happy Mo was. I did not want to trigger a Rob explosion because, trust me, they are bizarre and frightening. I even fantasized that maybe Rob and I could maintain a decent relationship for the girls' sake. Maybe this was a whole new dynamic and we could do this. We could be adults, move forward. Rainbows and flowers. One could hope, right?

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10 great questions to ask your kids

10 Fabulous Questions To Get Your Kids Chatting
by Lizzy Smith for Divorced Moms                   

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July 09, 2016

I have two daughters who I love more than life itself. I (almost always) love spending time with them. Because when we do, and it's just us, we have some fascinating chats. We get to bond and get to know each other better. The trust factor increases and, generally, so does the "like" factor. Our favorite places to have these chats are generally at a great restaurant or in the car. It's one of the reasons I purchased another season of ski passes for them-- because our drive up to our favorite ski resort in Park City, Utah is 45 minutes of "us" time-- no distractions, electronics must be put away, we talk, we listen to music. It's one of my favorite times of our entire week. I also love a good road trip when it's just the three of us, exploring somewhere new and, yes, talking.

Not long ago, I attended a parenting class that was fantastic. As part of this class, we were given 10 open-ended, probing questions to ask our kids that would help ascertain the condition of their hearts. How are they really doing inside their heads? How are they processing their world? How loved, secured and supported do they feel from me? And there were questions that would help us delve into those meaty topics. I a sharing these questions with you and adding/tweaking them to fit my parenting style and concerns.

First, I did not ask all of these questions at once. It was more like one question per week. I would ask the question, and we would dialog it. Yes, I really listened to them. And over the course of the next, say, week or so, we would come back to these questions.

1. How is your heart?

This question can be rather open-ended. And when I asked them, I offered up very few clues as to what I even meant. I was basically asking how they felt inside-- grateful, angry, forgiving, optimistic... But this is the information I was really looking for. Were they struggling with friendships, adult relationships, depression, or did they have unrealized needs that were not being met. I started this one off myself.

How was my heart? At that time, it was felt with extreme gratefulness. I was alive. I had survived some pretty terrible medical treatments. I was slowly getting stronger and better. While I wasn't yet strong enough to ski with them, I was able to take them up to the slopes and sit in a coffee shop writing while they skied. I was able to make future vacation plans (Costa Rica was coming up!). But I also felt incredible anger and sorrow. How did I get sick in the first place? How was this fair to them? What if something happened to me? I kept these fears silent. Perhaps there was a time for it, but it wasn't then.

2. What do you worry about most?

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Game On! I'm back and ready to FIGHT

Game On! After An Epic Meltdown, I've Come Back Swinging
by Lizzy Smith for Divorced Moms                   

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July 16, 2016

Last week, I got some frightening news. A new drug that I started taking to keep my cancer markers in check had failed. My blood work was wonky. And I had a total meltdown. I sat in my oncologist's office looking shell-shocked as we discussed Plan B-- a new drug cocktail.

And that is my life since discovering that I had multiple myeloma in January 2012, a blood cancer. I am always on some sort of treatment combo and the side effects can range from almost nothing to intense fatigue and everything in between. I've always stayed positive (yes, pretty much ALWAYS, with very few exceptions) in this battle. I will win it. I will not succumb. My treatments might suck at times, I need a lot of patience, but I'll be ok.

Except Monday. I wasn't feeling anything positive. In fact, what I did feel was total panic and fear. And for the first time since that pivotal diagnosis, I started taking anti-anxiety medications. I started out with one Xanax. And then two. And then I moved on to Ativan, and then another, and another. By the time the day was nearly over, I was in a stupor. Because without those pills, I could not overcome one wave of massive anxiety after the next. I felt like I was having a heart attack. I wanted to RUN. But where would I go? And what would that change? I needed to confront my situation and somehow ... survive it.

I thought about all the articles I've written about combatting stress and anxiety. Baths with Epsom salts. Essential oils. Massage. A hike up a beautiful canyon. A lunch with my girlfriends... NONE of those would have worked and, honestly, at that moment, I felt so arrogant and stupid. How could I tell anyone to stay off medications and take a bath instead? How innocent and un-relatable I must have sounded to those in the throws of true depression or suffering from PTSD.

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An email to the "other woman"

My latest via Divorced Moms. In this instance, the "other woman" needs a good bitch slap.

An Email to the "Other Woman." Fu*k You. You Deserve the Asshole
By Lizzy Smith for Divorced Moms
                   

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June 29, 2016

Just last week, a friend of mine, “Becky,” received an email from the “other woman." Granted, when this woman ("June") became part of the picture, Becky and her husband, “George” were in the midst of a horrible marriage. He was addicted to prescription pain medications and he had all the personality traits and behavior of an addict—explosive outbursts, blaming, sorrow, stealing money, hiding, lying, and more. Becky and George had two young daughters and their relationship was toxic for everyone. Becky was going to file for divorce and she was getting all of her ducks in a row so she could kick George out of the house soon. She was saving money, had selected an attorney after interviewing several, she had her “single mom’s budget” carefully figured out, and she was getting emotionally prepared.

And then Becky found out that George had a profile on a dating web site. That was the final straw. Becky moved out of their home, taking the two children with her. Everyone’s life was in turmoil. The children were confused and hurt. Becky was unable to eat or sleep. And George… he had a new girlfriend already (yay for him! who needs to recover from a relationship when he can just hop into another one instead?) That's right, George had moved on in a matter of days, and he loved throwing it in Becky’s face. “See what a catch I am?” he texted her once. “I already have a new girlfriend and you will never find anyone as great as me. You’re a single mom—hahahaha.” Mature, right?

Flash forward to a week ago when June emailed Becky. June had just kicked George out of their home. She wanted sympathy and understanding from the one woman who knew her hell—Becky.
“George is a sick man,” June wrote. “I am done with him.” And June spent the next several paragraphs telling Becky of some of the horrible things George had done in their time together. He lied, used pills, stole her msedications, screamed and accused. He blamed June for his addiction. He promised to get well (but he didn’t). Gosh, this was all sounding so familiar, thought Becky. June was describing her marriage almost to a T.

She needed a couple days to process this new information. She was initially … thrilled. She felt vindicated. George wasn’t really a great man and father who was just in a bad marriage with her. George was still an addict. His behavior hadn’t changed a bit despite a new relationship. The bad marriage and divorce weren’t Becky’s fault after all, as George had tried to convince her it was. In Becky’s world, everything seemed right again.

Then Becky became angry. She had so much to say to this woman.

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Our summer kick-off road trip! Discovering America (or at least Cody & Yellowstone)

My latest via Divorced Moms. I am so excited to start our summer with my daughters. One more amazing memory-creator.

Chucking It All, Roadtripping & Accumulating Memories

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June 23, 2016

I have written about this before but I promise you this: road trips ROCK. I used to HATE them. After all, who had time to drive when there was an airport nearby and I needed to get back to work.

But I have since changed my tune. When my daughters and I get in the car and start driving, and I force them to put away their electronic devices and stay awake, we have real conversations. We laugh, share stories, and talk about life. And, yes, there is the lovely downtime for the non-drivers. Taking in the scenery, listening to music, napping... And, seriously, the USA is amazing. There are fascinating places in almost every corner of every state and if you are flying over them (or skipping a trip completely), you will miss out.

And so it goes that my daughters and I are packing up and leaving town for several days. We are following my best friends, Julie and Shane, up to Cody, Wyoming and Yellowstone. We will hike, float rivers, perhaps go to a rodeo (I haven't decided yet if I can stomach one), and check out the Buffalo Bill Museum. Serious bonding and exploring time with my children and best friends. I am really excited. When we are done, the girls and I are driving home. Julie, Shane and their children are continuing on. They are driving across the United States in a quest to see as much of the country over the summer as possible. Their itinerary leaves me green with envy. Neither Julie or Shane are wealthy. They are school teachers so they have time. And they made some HUGE life-changing decisions to make this happen. I'll let you hear Julie tell it from her own lips (or, in this case, fingertips)...

Our Homeless Summer
We are off!  It doesn't seem real yet. I mean, I am driving and heading toward Utah but it doesn't seem like I am going to be gone for the next two months. Everyone keeps asking where I am going to live when I get home.  I don't know! For real, I DON'T KNOW. What I do know is that I will be living at Lizzy's in Utah for the next four nights and then in Cody, Wyoming. I have an idea where I will be "living" beyond that but I prefer not to think so far in advance. Right now is plenty enough to handle. One day at time. :)

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Not Shoving "Square" Children Into "Round" Holes

I just got back from Long Beach where I went to my best friend's sister-in-law's memorial. I am so lucky to have such close friends. I really think that few people are blessed with friends like I have in Julie and Shane. We have been through a lot together. I trust them with my life, and the lives of my children. How awesome is that? And as we gathered for Sherri's memorial, it was amazing to be surrounded by so much love. Nothing in my life matters more to me than the relationships I have with others. I am finally, at long last, living the life I always wanted. Surrounded by people I love and trust, traveling, and working on issues I am passionate about (cancer, health and wellness, and survivorship). Cancer sucks. I hate it. I wish I never had to deal with it. But life handed this to me and there have been upsides. I hope to high heaven that those of you who are healthy never need to get a devastating health diagnosis to do the same.

Peace and love,
Lizzy

She May Not Live The Life I Pick For Her. And So What?
By Lizzy Smith
                   

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June 14, 2016

I have learned so much about me and life in general in my grown-up years. I thought I had it all figured out and then - bam! - another Life Lesson hits me smack in the face. I wish I could get a re-do but since I can't, I can try to take my life's learnings and incorporate them into my daily grind. Because if I don't, what's the point?

The latest is this past weekend. I flew to Long Beach for the memorial gathering of my friend who just passed away from ovarian cancer. Over the course of five days, I hung out with people who are like my family. One afternoon, my best friends (who are married) Julie, Shane, two of their daughters and I drove to Huntington Beach and went to a Farmer's Market. There were some very interesting people selling their fruits and veggies, organic herbs, various oils, and services that ranged from acupuncture to hypnotism and everything in between. I talked to one woman who was particularly fascinating, with her long flowing hair and skirt. A free spirt, she was. Well traveled, educated, and living a life that did not include windowless office cubicles and hours sitting in traffic every day (not that there is anything wrong with that!). I envied her. How come she got to travel the globe and live a life I envied and I didn't?

Later that day, Julie and I talked about The Meaning of Life. She and her husband have recently made some super huge life changes, which include selling their house and most of their furniture and downsizing in a ginormous way. Not only did shedding all that "stuff" save them a lot of money, but it also saves them a ton of time taking care of it all.

"When you and Sherri got sick, I realized that I was living a life I didn't want," Julie said. "I want to travel and live. I do not want all the trappings anymore. I don't think I ever did." Julie and I are so similar in this respect (which is why we are best friends)-- we both are on a quest to see the world, as much of it as possible RIGHT NOW. We want to create memories and strengthen relationships. How did I end up so off course for so long?

Expectations. That's why.

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Fabulous ideas for the guy in your life for Divorced Moms

I am on my way to the airport to catch a flight to Long Beach for my friend Sheri's memorial service. She died last week from ovarian cancer. I am also going to spend time with the people I love beyond measure, my best friend Julie and family. Until then, I leave you with my latest post via Divorced Moms.

Peace & love,

Lizzy

8 Super Nice Things to Do For Your Guy (Without Breaking the Bank)
by Lizzy Smith for Divorced Moms                   

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June 08, 2016

With Father’s Day fast approaching, here are ideas to get your creative juices flowing for the guy in your life.

Offer to entertain his kids while he has “guy time”

I am constantly amazed at how many women don’t like their guy to go out with his friends (or do anything without her). This is a really bad idea. Show your guy you trust him and recognize his need to do things he loves sans you. (Make sure before you offer to take care of his kids that you know them and that he—and their mother-- is comfortable with the idea.) There are plenty of cheap things to do with children—go for a hike, bake cookies or make dinner, rent a movie you all like and stay in, go to a local public swimming pool or lake. Have suggestions for the kids but ask them what they’d like to do so they get the final say.

Give him a massage or foot rub
You need not be a great masseuse but it doesn’t matter—it’s the thought and human (non-sexual) touch that matters. You can either make this romantic by lighting candles and putting on soft music or put on a good movie or sporting event while you give him a massage.

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The case for living life NOW

Sheri is the woman sitting to the right of me (I'm wearing the pink T and white skirt). This photo was taken three years ago when I had flown out to Long Beach to attend my best friend Julie's dad's funeral. It was a weekend filled with all kinds of emotions: mourning, sadness and love. My hair was still short-- just growing back from my own cancer battle (multiple myeloma) and the two stem cell transplants (and massive chemo that went along with it). One evening, we moms took our kids to Knott's Berry Farm and while they were on the rides, we hung out. Sheri died yesterday from ovarian cancer.


This is Sheri about six months ago when we thought she would beat her cancer.

Profanity alert: FUCK YOU CANCER. You are evil and hateful and some day, we will BEAT YOUR FUCKING ASS INTO SUBMISSION.

My best friend Julie's sister-in-law, Sheri, died yesterday from ovarian cancer. She was diagnosed 15 months ago and fought a very hard battle. She did chemo, had surgery, got sepsis, almost died on the operating table. And each time, she fought back. It was a miracle. Perhaps she'd beat it. And then she didn't.

Truth: "Life is normal, until it's not." My life, too, was "normal" and then it wasn't. And since that day where my life took that dramatic, scary, awful turn, I never looked back. I ran to safety (my parents' home) and fought cancer and fought to build a new and better life. And each day, I swear to you, I do my best to LIVE. I treat people the best way I can. I really put myself out there to help others, even when it's not comfortable or convenient. I cut out people who are toxic. And I run towards... love, fun, peace, and meaning.

I am flying to Long Beach next week to hang with people who are more than "friends." They, too, are my beloved family. I want to be with them and mourn with them. I cannot be here living life like it's normal when it isn't. Not right now.

One thing I've learned is that life does carry on. Even in the darkest depths of grief and sorrow, life continues. People go out to eat, laugh, go to work, watch TV, pick up the kids... Everywhere around me, life is moving forward. Nothing stops when our world stops or ends. And sooner or later, we crawl out of our dark place and join the living because what is the option?

And that's where I travel, write, be with friends, and nap. The glorious, luxurious nap. I've started building time in for a nap nearly every day. I love "my time" in the afternoon, channel surfing until I fall asleep with the soft noise in the background. I read, I learn, I try to improve myself. I walk outdoors, sometimes alone, sometimes with my husband or a friend. I laugh and shop. Today, I am waiting for my friend Madi who will be here in a few minutes and we are walking along the beautiful trail behind our homes that follows the Jordan River. We reconnect, we embrace life until the moment we can't. And when that happens, all we have are the memories we created and the relationships we've made. The impressions we've made with others, and how we've made the world or someone's life a little better.

And that is the meaning of (my) life.

My latest via Divorced Moms is here. And now, my advice to you: TODAY do something you LOVE and something that MATTERS to you in a BIG way.

Peace and Love,

Lizzy

Find Joy & Happiness NOW. Life is Too Precious & Short to Wait
BY LIZZY SMITH for Divorced Moms                   

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June 02, 2016

I say this all the time because it is true: "We carry on with our lives until one day, one second, everything changes." Just.Like.That. One second and life will never be the same again. It can come with warning (“I’m unhappy, I want a divorce, and I’m moving out.”) or without (“You have cancer.”). It can be an unexpected death, the discovery of an affair, a devastating diagnosis, making the decision to cheat on your husband, or getting in an accident.

Today, I got the very sad news that my friend Sheri died. She was just 50 years old. Some 15 months ago, Sheri was diagnosed with Stage IV ovarian cancer. She had surgery, radiation and chemo. For a time, we thought she would beat it. And then she took a turn for the worse about a month ago. This time, hope was fading until there was none left.

Life for me, too, was chugging along at an expected pace. I was working, married with kids, and had all the entrapments consistent with that life—a mortgage, a long commute, 15 days of vacation... And then, “You have cancer.” Just like that, nothing was ever the same again.

So today, while I mourn the passing of my friend, and while I know I’ll be shedding loads of tears, I turn to the biggest advice I can give anyone: LIVE. Life is so short and precious. If you are in a bad marriage, leave it. If your boyfriend is an asshole, ditch him. If you have friendships that aren’t healthy, end them. If you hate your job, your city, your house, or your life, start changing it. It can be incredibly hard and overwhelming. Where to begin? Baby steps, one day at a time. Try this:

1. Write out what changes you want to make in your life
2. Prioritize which changes are most important to you. Pick the ones that will make the biggest impact (i.e. divorce, sell the house, stop eating sugar). In fact, you might just want to pick one.
3. Make sure the changes you write out are specific (sell the house) and actionable. Goals that are too broad usually never happen. For example, if your goal is to “get healthier,” be more specific. Fill in this blank, “I want to get healthier by_______________.” It could be eating five servings or fresh organic fruits and veggies each day, eating out at restaurants less than once per week, exercising a minimum of 30-minutes per day six days per week, and getting at least eight hours of sleep per night. Now that is something you can write out on a checklist, post on your bathroom mirror, and do! (If you’re committed enough.)
4. Make out a detailed list on how to accomplish your goals and start (literally) checking them off.

Since this is for divorced women (or those considering a divorce), I’ll pick “Ditch My Guy” as an example. This could be your husband or boyfriend. Here are some things that should make your list:

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It's the "official" summer kick-off weekend! My biggest advice? Wear sunscreen!!!

My latest via Divorced Moms. It's all about sunscreen and it's really super important, especially for the cancer patient. Those cancer drugs can make is incredibly sun-sensitive and a sunburn can cause incredibly dangerous side-effects than can even mimic graft-vs-host disease. This is no laughing matter. So before you head out for the day, put that sunscreen on. Wear a hat and a great pair of sunglasses. (BTW: hats and sunglasses are literally my favorite fashion accessories these days, maybe even more than a handbag. So have fun with it!)

It's The Start of Summer! Now Stay (Sun) Safe With These Tips
by Lizzy Smith for Divorced Moms                    

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May 28, 2016

Standing above Lake Nicaragua, about a two hour drive from Grenada. It was so hot and humid. Considering it was freezing cold back home in Utah and I had spent 25 days without leaving my hospital room, I was in heaven. The heat and fresh air was a Godsend. It was healing-- mentally, physically and emotionally. Dang I deserved this trip!

I recently came across a shocking study from the Journal of the American Academy of Dermatology’s:  most Americans do not know how to properly apply sunscreen. You can read it here.  Even those with a history of skin cancer are not as savvy as one might think.

Ok, I guess I am a bit guilty of this, too. While I'm really committed to putting sunscreen on often, I sometimes forget about my children. When we were in Costa Rica and Nicaragua several weeks ago, my 16-year old wanted to get a good tan. I argued with her incessantly about putting on enough sunscreen. She did, but after awhile, I gave up and let her be responsible. She came home looking like a leper. She was peeling on her face and she looked frightening. She was self-conscious about it, too. Thank goodness we had three days before she had to return to school and the worst of it was over. Still, we both learned a lesson-- applying sunscreen properly and often was not debatable.
However you look at it, getting a sunburn is bad. It's bad for the skin, good for skin cancer, and it hurts. Avoid this at all cost.

A few summers ago, I went on vacation to Washington, DC and it was literally 105 degrees, sunny and humid. I never left my hotel room without a hat on my head and an umbrella. I also reapplied sunscreen multiple times throughout the day. I remember one afternoon standing an hour outside on a hot sidewalk under the blazing sun waiting to get into the National Archives. I purchased that small umbrella from a street vendor and it was a lifesaver! I carried it with me during the rest of the trip and, these days, if I know I'm going to be walking in the sun, an umbrella is in my backpack ready to be used at a moment's notice.

In summary, make sure you get outdoors and enjoy the weather (this is good for you!) but stay in the shade and perhaps do your outdoor activities in the mornings or evenings when the sun is at its weakest. Also, consider wearing protective clothing, like swimsuits with rash-guards, hats, sunglasses and tops with sleeves. And never leave the house or hotel room without properly sunscreening.

Benefits of sun exposure
There are numerous benefits to some sun exposure. First, we get fresh “real” vitamin D. The warmth and light of the sun is also a natural mood booster. (Got depression? Get outdoors, get some natural sunlight, and see if you don't feel a bit better "that fast.") Personally, I am a big fan of summer for these reasons. I love going for walks and hikes, hanging out poolside or at the beach with my kids, and reading a good book on my deck. But… I also use precautions. Gone are the days that I visit tanning salons (I cannot believe I used to do this regularly), use baby oil as a sun enhancer, and spend hours laying out during maximum sun intensity (typically between 11A-2P). I used to go on beach-type vacations and pretty much ruin them because my number one priority was making sure I went home with a Big Huge Impressive Tan instead of doing fun stuff. Dear Lord, how dumb. These days, I nearly always wear a hat, sit under an umbrella or in the shade, don sunglasses that block out UVA and UVB rays, and apply sunscreen liberally. I still manage to get tan but I can’t tell you the last time I burned (or even got pink). Hooray!

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Got kids? Travel with them! My list of child-friendly trips to fit most any budget

I love nothing more than traveling. (Have I said this already?) And now that my daughters are heading into summer break (hooray!) it's time to start making plans. In the meantime, here are some of my favorite trips to take with your kids. My latest via Divorced Moms.

10 Fabulous Trips To Take With Your Children
by Lizzy Smith                    

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May 20, 2016

Here we are in Lugano, Switzerland! It was so beautiful.

When I received a cancer diagnosis in January 2012, it was a life changing moment. In an instant, things were never the same for me. In many respects, this was good. Pre-diagnosis, my life was a disaster and I was desperately unhappy. I spent way too much time commuting to work, buying stuff I didn’t want or need, putting up with an extremely abusive spouse, and focusing on the inconsequential. Fast forward a year later. I had survived treatment and it was time to rebuild my life and live it with passion. I decided to live BIG and GRAND, create memories, and have fun. As part of that new mantra, I became obsessed with traveling and taking my daughters with me.

To shake things up, I try to plan four trips per year: 1) somewhere in our state (Utah), 2) a state we have never visited, 3) a national park, and 4) a foreign country. On these trips, it is imperative that we learn something new, eat a different food, and have fun. Oh, right-- and get some rest. So far, my favorite cities in the world are Moscow, London and Buenos Aires. My favorite state to explore is Utah. The most awesome fashion and shopping is Milan. The best food is in New Orleans. A place I’ve never wanted to leave was Lake Como (Italy). The best snorkeling is Belize. The most incredible museum is The Hermitage in St. Petersburg, Russia. But this could all change because I’m not done exploring.

When it comes to traveling with children, though, there are some really terrific kid-friendly options that I highly recommend. So if a trip is in your budget, here are my favorites to take children of most any age:

1. A cruise

Pretty much any cruise is a terrific option for kids. The ships all have kid’s clubs where you can drop your children off for large chunks of the day. I never let my kids go to their clubs while the ship was in port, but you could. Plus, with unending food 24 hours per day, you never need to worry about feeding them. You can find a cruise to fit almost any budget. I personally love Europe and exploring via a cruise ship made this possible and easy with kids in tow.

2. Jackson, Wyoming and Yellowstone National Park
Jackson is an amazingly fun and beautiful place to visit. The town is charming, and there are endless things to do, like rafting, horseback riding, and hiking. Plus you’re not far from the entrance to Yellowstone National Park, a place that should be on everyone’s Bucket List. I took my kids on this road trip when they were ages four and nine and they absolutely loved everything about it. We saw tons of wildlife, Old Faithful, drank Mulberry Milkshakes, and took trams up the mountains for the best hiking trails. Depending on the time of year you go, hotels super expensive and sell-out quickly. So either plan ahead or consider staying in nearby Victor or Grand Targhee (Idaho).

3. Washington, DC
What makes Washington, DC rock is that many of the attractions, museums and monuments are FREE. This makes a visit to our nation’s capital somewhat affordable. I took my daughters when they were ages seven and 12 and they also learned a lot. My youngest daughter still talks about visiting the place where President Lincoln was shot and where he died. We visited all the main monuments, Mt Vernon (Washington’s home), the U.S Capitol and Supreme Court, Library of Congress, Arlington National Cemetery, the National Archives and several of the museums that make up the Smithsonian. Nearly all of them were free or just a few dollars. We sat outside at the Iwo Jima Memorial and watched spectacular 4^th of July fireworks. We also rented a car and drove to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania (a very quaint town) for a private tour of the battlefield. We stayed in a hotel near Georgetown where we could walk to many sites or take the metro. Washington, DC is definitely a “must visit.”

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Here's how to FIGHT for your mental sanity

I've experienced some of the toughest curveballs that life can throw you. Here are 10 really dumb things to do when you're under duress. My latest via Divorced Moms column.

10 of the Dumbest Things You Can Do When Life Gets Tough
By Lizzy Smith
                    

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May 16, 2016

Life can be really super tough at times. A friend of mine is going through some really horrible things in her life. She is struggling with just getting out of bed in the mornings. This is one of the worse things she can do right now-- become sedentary and isolated.
Last week, I was in the midst of anxiety myself. I wanted to find medication to make it go away. Instead, I went to the salon and bleached my hair. I looked at myself and I was a new person! The visual imagery was a huge ego boost. I felt more confident and some of my anxiety waned.
 
Me before hair. After chemo, I lost all my hair and wore a wig. But I'm done with that and it's just me and the short, grey hair. I felt like an old lady. The next day, I got it bleached. I felt like a whole new person-- edgy, fun, strong and bad-ass.

The next day, I went for a walk/run. I am still very weak from some wicked chemo back in November and December and I am fighting to get stronger. On this run/walk, I felt fantastic. I pushed myself harder than I have in months and instead of wanting to whimper, I felt strong and empowered. Was it the new hair that gave me strength? Maybe.

Anyway, I sent my struggling friend an email pep talk with some tips on how I have coped with some really stressful events in my life, which include a horrific divorce and cancer. They work surprisingly well. Here are, according to Lizzy Smith, the 10 worse things you can do when life gets tough:

1 Get inadequate sleep
Getting the proper amount of sleep is essential for your mental and physical strength. If you’re getting too much or too little, that’s not good. Too much sleep can be a sign of depression or a whole host of physical ailments. Too little sleep can leave you irritated, sick, and prone to making really bad decisions. To aid in getting proper sleep, make your bedroom conducive to rest. This means make sure it gets dark enough (buy room-darkening shades if you must), and you have a comfortable place to sleep. Other ways to make your bedroom a peaceful place is to clean it up, put fresh linens on your bed, and diffuse essential oils that are calming to the senses (lavender is my favorite). I also love a good hot bath before bedtime because it helps make me sleepy.

2 Isolate yourself
It is tempting to throw a (solo) pity party when life goes awry. But the less you fall into this behavior, the better. Go out with friends, walk a dog, volunteer at your child’s school, join an exercise class (like yoga)... Whatever you do, get out of the house and interact with others.

3 Let yourself go (physically)
When I look awful, I feel awful, too. Make an effort to get out of bed, take a shower, put on clean clothes that are flattering, and do something with your hair. For a terrific pick-me-up, try a new hairstyle or color. Visit a makeup counter and learn some new makeup techniques. Buy a new perfume and use it. If it fits the budget, engage in some retail therapy. But a new outfit outside your comfort zone. Bright, bold colors lift the spirit so if you need to start with small steps, try a new color on your toenails and get braver from there.

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Consent, rape & reporting. The conversations we must be having with our children

My latest via Divorced Moms. A critically important topic, whether we have sons or daughters.

I Was Raped & Never Told. Who Would Believe Me?
by Lizzy Smith for Divorced Moms                    

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May 12, 2016

During my freshman year in college, a friend, “Suzie,” went out on a date with a fellow student, “Joe,” that she recently met. They drank a little, drove up into the canyon, started making out… And then Joe forcibly raped her. Suzie came back to our dorm visibly shaken, with bruises showing up on her arms a few days later.

“Joe raped me,” she told me in the middle of the night. I stayed up with her while she went from crying, to silence, to rage. As an 18-year old totally unprepared for sex and what it meant (I was still a virgin with limited experience), I did not encourage her to report the crime. I wasn’t even sure if it was possible to be raped by a date. After all, I thought that rape was a crime committed by strangers, at knifepoint, under the threat of physical harm. Dates didn’t rape you, especially if the girl put herself in a position that enabled it.

The next day, Joe called Suzie and she went out with him again. This time, the sex was consensual. Over the next year, Suzie and Joe had a drama-filled relationship until summer break when we all went home and Joe transferred to another university. Suzie’s rape was forgotten. During the remainder of our college years together, I witnessed Suzie go from an innocent virgin to a very promiscuous girl. What role did Joe play in her future decisions and beliefs about sex, her body, and her self-worth? Likely, quite a lot. We both grew up in religions that taught us that sex was for marriage only, that it was better to die defending our virtue than allowing ourselves to be raped, that once given (virginity) we could never get it back, and that our dress and physical appearance could contribute to boys’ lusts and behavior. That is quite a burden to carry, I assure you.

A few weeks ago, Suzie and I were talking about sex among high school and college students. She reminded me that her first sexual encounter was at the age of 18 and it was rape.

“Why didn’t you report it?” I asked her.

“Who would have believed me?” she asked.

I wanted to cry. “Why didn’t I encourage you to report it?” I asked.

“I have always believed that I am responsible for the things that happen to me. I should not have been drinking. I should not have gone up into the canyon with Joe. I led him on, I went too far. Part of that was my fault,” she said.

“No, Suzie, rape is not your fault. You had a right to say no at any time and be heard. And you had a right to report it. It was a crime,” I said. And, left unsaid, as a friend, I failed you.

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