The kids are not alright

When I met Rob and we raced forward with our relationship, I was concerned about Morgan, my daughter who was seven years old at the time and in first grade. Was she alright with my dating? Post my divorce, I had dated two men: David and Todd. She knew David well and we spent a lot of time with him and his two daughters who were Morgan's age. We even traveled together. But beyond a simple hug, she never saw us be affectionate and she knew David simply as Mommy's friend. Morgan never met Todd.

After several months, I told Morgan that Mommy was dating Rob. At first, she thought it really weird and then she got used to it. When Rob and I decided to buy the new house and told her that Rob and I were getting married, she was ecstatic. In the few months Rob and I had dated, Rob and Morgan became very close. She loved him and she went to school and told her teacher that "My mom and I are getting married to Rob!" And she quickly called him Daddy. They were very close and Morgan loved to do all the things that Rob did-- diving off a boat, fishing, playing with lobsters and did fish, you name it. And I know that Rob loved Morgan.

Rob's two daughters Kalie and Nicole? Well that was a very different story. First, Rob told me that his girls were fine with his dating again. He and Terri had separated in July, six months prior, and Terri had a new boyfriend and everyone had moved on. Of course, that wasn't true. Terri had just moved out of their home a few weeks prior to our meeting and his girls were in deep emotional pain. In my defense, I had no idea. Completely clueless, I was or trust me, I would never in a million years have started dating this man.

The first time I met Nicole, Rob's oldest daughter, my first impression was that she was a very troubled girl. While she was pretty, I could tell in a second that she was smoking pot and probably doing other drugs. At one time, she had been a very good student but currently was barely making it through her classes, often ditching classes, smoking a lot of pot, and had some very questionable "friends." Nicole and her mom were not on good terms and Nicole was refusing to go to her mom's house for her weeks of custody. Rob said that Terri didn't like Nicole. They both told me of one story in which Terri had confiscated Nicole's phone. They were at Albertsons, the local grocery store, and had run into Terri, who had followed them both up and down isles trying to tell Rob that she had received many text messages on Nicole's phone in which the texter was trying to arrange drug buys with her. Rob thought it funny and blew it off. The result was that Rob no longer encouraged Nicole to go to her mother's house at all and she was living fulltime with Rob.

By the time we moved into our new home, Nicole had a new boyfriend, Tim. Tim was a nice enough boy but he, like Nicole, was going through some major issues. They spent hours and hours at the new house swimming, making out and nearly having sex in our loft, sleeping, going out and partying, and asking Rob for money, which he dutifully handed over.

Right away, I was already starting to get upset about that scenario. I demanded that we put some rules in the house because this was not working for me. No boys upstairs. Period. No making out in front of a seven year old child. No having sex in the house. No drugs EVER. All agreed.

One day shortly after moving into our new house, Nicole screamed at Bob: "I hate this house! I never wanted to move here. I want my old house. You never even asked!"

I was floored. She wasn't happy? She now had a big new house, a bigger room, a pool, central A/C, a better neighborhood. I thought all the kids should be thrilled, right? Stupid, clueless, gullible me.

And there that was Kalie. I really liked Kalie from Day One. She seemed kind, thoughtful, intuitive, smart and savvy. Initially, according to Rob, she told her dad she was fine with him dating but, really, what is a child supposed to say?

After Rob and I got engaged but before we moved into the house, Rob, Morgan, Kalie and I went to my BFF's Julie and Shane's for the weekend. While Rob disappeared to find a bar and drink, Kalie and I went shopping to look for a dress for our wedding. We found a beautiful one that looked amazing on her at Ann Taylor. It was a little pricey at $250 but I bought it for her anyway. I told her if we found something we liked better, we could always return it.

Rob flipped out and demanded we return the dress. Kalie was really upset. I think the dress signified something significant for her: something beautiful in the face of ugliness, and when she wore it, she felt pretty and hopeful. That set Rob and Kalie on a collision course. Kalie was sometimes openly hostile to her dad. Rob blew it off. "Kalie and I are tight. You just wait and see. She'll soon understand that her dad is the only one who can help her be successful in life and that her mom's a loser."

And so he started badmouthing Terri in front of Kalie like you can't believe. And there I was, going right along with it.

We'd hear things like: Your mom doesn't have enough money to pay for that house she rented. Without me, she'd have nothing because I'm the one with the money and she still depends on me. Her budget doesn't work out. Her job is stupid. I could've gotten her a better paying job at the company (they worked for the same place) but she's just too lazy.

I, who earned a substantial living and truly was self sufficient, would hear about her income and expenses and would be baffled. Wow, how was she going to pay those bills? And, truth be told, I was pissed off. Thanks to Rob's ex wife, I was the one writing check after check trying to cover these enormous expenses. I was literally drowning and the more horrible stories about this woman that I heard, the angrier and more frustrated I became.

It wasn't long before Rob and Kalie got in a huge fight in which Rob threw her cell phone in the pool, Terri came to pick up Kalie from our house, they called the police on Rob, and Kalie and Rob didn't speak for a few months. I've already covered that event in this blog so I won't rehash it here.

"The kids are fine!" Rob told me when I brought up the chaos going on in our home.

No,Rob, your kids are not alright.

And our wedding date kept getting closer and closer.

Validation (or "One of us is crazy. Is it me???")

Pretty much every abuser puts his victim down endlessly. My ex husband, Rob the Great (Alcoholic) was no different. (If you're new to my blog, I call my ex Rob the Great because he constantly told me what a "great guy" he was and how he had so much to offer and, really, I should be so happy that I had a guy like him in my life.) He told me things like: without him, I wouldn't have a job; my job was in the dumbest part of the company; I couldn't survive a power outage without him; he was the best dad ever and our children liked him more than they liked me; I wasn't fun like he was; he made so much money and was so successful; if I left him, he'd find another girlfriend in a second because there were so many women out there looking for a great guy like him and, really, I had nothing but baggage and I would have a really hard time; he was so incredibly honest.

When we got in fights, he'd remind me of all of his wonderful qualities. When I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma and fled our home and moved to Utah to enter treatment, the endless horrible texts and emails were incredible. I would read them or forward them to friends so they could see it for themselves because, really, it was hard to believe (Rob comes across as a really nice, sweet, helpful guy until you get to know him).

And then I got this email from Rob:

From: Rob
To: Lizzy
Subject: This is YOU baby!!!!

Everyone in my life hates you and is glad you're gone. Nicole can't believe that you took the girls after I started all over and agreed to raise kids again. The girls love me and miss their dad and I'll tell them it's your fault, baby, that they were taken away from their loving dad. Kalie hates you. She is getting so much more from me now that you're gone. If you think she's being helpful by telling you anything, it's all lies. She's so glad you're gone. When we go to court the room will be filled with everyone supporting me. My mom, Kalie, Nicole, Chris, Joanie, Aussie Mark, Kevin. The landlords are on my side. Even the woman at the Marriott thought you were really weird. So, baby, you just get better and can't wait to see you in court with all my friends ready to testify that I'm a great guy and you're a crazy, lying thieving nutjob. Have a great day!!!!!

A few email exchanges later, I sent Rob an email reminding him about the time in which Kalie told him, sobbing, that if he drank again during the weeks she lived with him, that she would move out and not come back. And then he drank in front of her a few days later and Kalie, true to her word, stopped living with him, decreasing his custody from 50-50 to 90-10.

Rob responded with this:  It never happened!! You're a LIAR and Kalie is going to write a letter saying it never happened!!!

Clearly, one of us is crazy. After a while, I started wondering if I was the crazy one and not Rob. I needed validation.

Immediately after getting this email, I contacted our landlords. "I'm sorry to hear that you're on Rob's side. Can you tell me what that means, exactly?" I asked. He was baffled. "On Rob's side? We don't have enough information to be on either side and we're just the landlords. That said, we hear you are sick and we pray you'll recover soon. We both like you very much and are so sorry."

Next, I sent Kevin a text message. Kevin is a friend of Rob's who coached Morgan in soccer for several years and was our Realtor in San Diego. "Hi Kevin. I hear you plan on going to court to testify on what a great guy Rob is and how crazy I am. I am sorry to hear that and wish you all the best. You know how much I struggled with Rob's drinking because you and I discussed it. I want you to know I never lied or exaggerated. I survived hell, escaped it, and am now sick." Kevin responded immediately. "I would never go to court to say anything bad about you! I know how much you struggled and I have not one thing bad to say about you. I don't know why Rob would put words in my mouth like that."

I then contacted the Marriott Residence Inn in La Jolla. I knew that Rob lied about this one. The girls and I stayed at that property three times over the years when Rob and I got into an argument and I needed to seek refuge somewhere. Each time, the stays were for one night and after checking in, we quietly retreated to our room, had breakfast the next morning, and left. I forwarded the email to the manager and talked with him many times. He interviewed every front desk manager at the property and told me that no one has any idea what Rob was talking about, nor would anyone ever give that kind of feedback.

Several months ago, I talked to Kalie, Rob's younger daughter. I told her that if there was anything in this blog that she found untruthful or hurtful to her or her mother, I would remove it. "No," she said. "Every single word is true and don't change a thing."

There was no need to contact anyone in Rob's family after I got the call from one of them. I've written about it in this blog but on that call, this family member told me that they all knew Rob was an alcoholic and needed help and they were incredibly disappointed that instead of getting help, he was simply acquiring a new girlfriend.

But the coup de grace was this email. It came to me several months ago via email. Someone had stumbled on my blog and sent me a private email. I've changed a few words and names so as to keep this person's identity private.

Lizzy,

I know [a woman who knows Bob well] and that's how I know Bob. Even though he's nice and helpful enough, I always thought there was something off about him. Several in our circle thought the same. Of course we won't tell [our friend] this because we don't want to get in the middle of it. One night I did a Google search and found your blog. Wow what a story! I cried when I was done reading. Everything confirms what I thought but couldn't quite put my finger on. He's an alcoholic. I am so sorry you went through that and I worry about [my friend]. I am hopeful she'll figure it out before it's too late. Stay strong, Lizzy! You are an inspiration of strength and resilience. What comes around goes around. Some day Bob will feel the pain that he has caused you, your children and his first family. I'll be praying for your health and full recovery.

That email came at such a perfect time-- a time when I was having panic attacks about my health and future. As bad as I feel for any woman who gets involved with Rob, it is no longer me. I was so relieved that I was no longer the one listening to his screaming fits and pathetic excuses for his behavior. I was no longer his enabler. Instead of getting help for his disease, Rob finds a new honey. I was that new honey but no more. Sad that someone else becomes the "distraction" but at least it's no longer me. Let someone else help Rob teach his children that marriages are so unimportant that when one ends, just hop right back into another. That, really, is a "great" message to teach your children (if you want them to have unhealthy relationships themselves, anyway). Let someone else be Rob's cover. I was done.

Validation was necessary. A reality. Fact check. No, I wasn't the crazy one.

You have a tiny penis and you suck in bed!

From the time of my diagnosis when "Rob" screamed and spit in my face and called me a thief, liar and drama queen, I really tried to take the high road. I either remained silent, pleaded with him to show compassion, or tried to remind him that I had just been diagnosed with CANCER (to no avail). Finally, I started throwing the meanest verbal insults his way. Mature? No. Right? No. But I felt the need to fight back.

This awful fighting pattern was true throughout our entire marriage. It would go like this: Rob would get drunk (or want to get drunk) and scream at me in that horrid pitch that only Rob can reach. 90 percent of the time, I'd walk away. After all, arguing with a drunk is pointless. But that would never be good enough for Rob. He'd follow me around the house. Sometimes I'd say something like, "I'm walking away from you. Go away." In which case he'd respond by screaming some more with this crazed, glazed look in his eyes. If it was a weekend, I'd pack up the girls and me and go stay in a hotel or stay with my best friends in Long Beach before coming back. And then Rob would start texting or emailing me horrible messages, which I'd ignore for a day or two. And then I'd start responding. It would take two to four days before Rob would calm down enough and apologize for his ridiculous behavior and promise to go to help with his drinking problem. And, of course, that would never happen. He'd say he was at an AA meeting when, in fact, he was drinking at the BrewCo instead. (He did this same thing in his first marriage, by the way.)

Rob always accused me of having a huge temper. I can honestly say that I deserve a medal for the most part for ignoring his stupid behavior. Until I didn't. That one out of 10 times that I decided to fight back got ugly because I was ready to defend myself (finally) with every ounce of energy I had.

So this time I told him what I really thought about him but always had the somewhat good sense beforehand to not say.

You have the smallest penis ever

You suck in bed

You're fat

I never loved you (true statement)
When I met Rob, he was simply a guy to hang out with while I tried to mend my shattered heart from a prior relationship. Rob was really good at selling himself as a good, honest, sweet guy who simply had been terrorized by his ex wife who never appreciated what a great guy he really was. He seemed innocent and kind and helpful. He was great with my daughter and good to me. This is what Rob does-- when there's an audience, he's "on it". And he was aggressively pursuing me. When we purchased our home and got married, I didn't love him at all. I liked and respected him and thought we could have a good future together as companions and parents. The problem was, Rob is none of the things he portrays himself to be. And once I figured that out, ever learning to love him was impossible.

I cheated on you (not true)
I told him I cheated on him with my ex boyfriend Todd. I knew this would cut through his heart. His ex wife, Terri, had an affair when they were married (although the number of affairs Terri had grew each time he talked about Terri-- first she had one affair, then three, then countless). I told him that I cheated on him and his next wife would cheat on him, too, because he was a horrible husband. Well, that part is true. He is a horrible partner. Unpredictable, volatile, a liar, a hair trigger temper, mean and lazy. But I never cheated on him. I did meet up with Todd several times throughout my marriage but I never once even kissed him (besides on the cheek). I wanted to cheat on him. But it just wasn't me so I didn't.

And so it was that my texts finally matched his in evilness. I can't say it made me feel better but there was something sadly empowering about no longer keeping my mouth shut. Here I was, downing some 30 pills per day, getting blood transfusions and platelets, undergoing another painful biopsy without any medications, receiving texts from Rob the Great (Alcoholic) that accused me of being a thief and a liar... And I at least was finding the strength to fight back. Somewhere in my reserves of fear and exhaustion and shock and horror about my health, I could at least fight Rob where it hurt him the most. Literally, below the belt.

And yet, after several weeks of this, it served no purpose but to make me sadder than ever. I had jumped into the Rob cesspool and it was not a pretty or comfortable place to be. I wasn't proud of it. I didn't want to fight like that. It was not the person I wanted to be. And Rob and I actually started a reconciliation of sorts, which will be a blog post of another day.

Lessson learned?
So what did I learn from this? For me, when I feel cornered like a wounded animal, I fight back. Actually, I don't fight back for awhile, hoping that I'll find an out. Hoping that my logic will prevail over something more primitive in all of us. But I'm human and eventually I'll come out swinging. I did this throughout my entire relationship with Rob. And it is not the person I want to be. It is not the way I want to handle conflict. Logically speaking, you can't argue with a drunk. There is no point and no one will ever win. I wish I could use the logical part of my brain always.

If I could do it all over again, I would have left Rob a few months after our wedding when I started seeing the first patterns of alcoholic behavior, laziness, and aggression. Instead, I believed so strongly in my commitment, in my sense of duty to family, and the hope I had that Rob would become the man that he tried to portray himself to be initially, that I stayed. I stayed to the detriment of my emotional and physical health.

Rob says I have a huge temper and I'm a control freak (more on that later). It's so trite to hear that from the mouth of an alcoholic. I learned that in Alanon. Alcoholics accuse their partners as control freaks because those around them don't like the behaviors of an alcoholic. That makes us, the victims, seem controling-- because we refuse at some point to think that behavior is acceptable. Bob is no different.

Lizzy's advice
So here's my advice to anyone living with, or dating, an alcoholic: Run. And run fast. It never gets better (unless the alcoholic bottoms out and puts in a fulltime commitment to recovery). It always gets worse. It is not healthy for anyone to live in that kind of environment. It messes with the victime emotionally. It is detrimental to children living in that environment. It is a hell like no other. Save yourself.

Beginning treatment, fleeing my alcoholic husband, and moving (simultaneously)

When I was diagnosed, my parents were with me. Dr Raja was kind, positive and upbeat. After weeks of terror and fear, getting the diagnosis was actually a relief. I also left that appointment with, like, 20 prescriptions of medication. I was told that I was starting a work-up for a stem cell transplant. Before this diagnosis, I basically wasn't taking an aspirin. Going from that mindset to dumping all kinds of toxins into my body was scary.

One of the medications I started taking was a combo of dexamethasone and Revlimid. My bone marrow showed over 90% of myeloma cells, which put me at a Stage III. The dex-Rev combo would help start killing myeloma cells immediately. Over the next several weeks, I began to feel the effects of dex and it was awful. My voice changed to this rough tone. I became weak and dizzy with a racing heart. I felt so weird, like I was floating. I didn't think right. I was tired but wired at the same time. Morning were awful. I would walk a few steps and need to sit down to stop my racing heart. I felt horrible all the time.

The night of my diagnosis, I sat down with the girls individually and explained that I had a tough blood disorder, that it wouldn't kill me, but I had some big treatments ahead and I needed the help of Grandpa and Grandma because Daddy couldn't be counted on. I also told them we were moving to Utah. Siena was fine with it, like it was the most natural thing in the world. Morgan not so much. She cried. She was incredulous. She understood. It broke my heart that we were in a situation where, when I got sick, I couldn't depend on my husband. Oh, no, the thought of going through tough treatments and fighting for my life with Rob was revolting. Even in "good" times, Rob couldn't be counted on. In anything that smelled of challenging, Rob became an even more hateful and evil and agressive drunk. I learned that firsthand earlier in the year. I got pregnant and miscarried twice in 2011 and both times and through two D&Cs, Rob was awful-- drunk, mean and most unhelpful. This would be far worse.

Here is one particularly telling email that I got from Rob:

From: Rob
To: Lizzy Smilez
Sent: Saturday, January 14, 2012 6:07 PM
Subject: Re: Re:

Had my liver tested to be able to use antibuse, it's in great shape. how cool is that!

 

 

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Nice, huh? Here I was, newly diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma and one of the biggest dangers of the disease was total liver and/or kidney failure, and this email was just disgusting and disturbing. Here's another exchange...
 

----------------------

From: Rob
Sent: Monday, January 16, 2012 02:42 PM
To: 'lizzysmilez@gmail.com>
Subject: Re: Sundance Meadows Customer Receipt/Purchase Confirmation
And if you think kalie is being supportive by perhaps telling you I'm at the brew co all the time, she's not. To have you out of her life, she thinks she also gains quite a bit. So, for your info., I can't drink alcahol, I'm on antibuse. I had to get non alcohol shaving cream, anti persprent and rethink everything I do as it's a huge deal. I did this for me as I need time to think clearly now without the fog. And yes, I am soul searching, if I wasn't, I'd have gone legal by now.  If you think there is a way we can ever be together, to work together without any negative family influence I can do that too.

From: Rob
Sent: Monday, January 16, 2012 02:10 PM
To: 'lizzysmilez
Subject: Re: Sundance Meadows Customer Receipt/Purchase Confirmation
And still, I'm at the door knocking as I feel god brought us together for more than a learning experience. Let me know if you will except my help, if not, I will be on my way Liz. And I am a real good guy, just beant to do a lot in life because of my own doing with not speaking out. And drank to get through it all. But we bith know that there has to be a new direction for us both and we can do it together as a team

From: lizzysmilez
Sent: Monday, January 16, 2012 01:58 PM
To: Rob
Subject: Re: Sundance Meadows Customer Receipt/Purchase Confirmation

I need a village, you're right. In San Diego, I have nothing and no one, least of all you. Your behavior frightens me and our relationship is horrible and volatile. The only time we function somewhat normally is on a vacation. Normal riggors of family life leave you angry, agitated, and desparate and I hate it. In san diego, I don't have your support and with the exception of kalie (big surprise) your family is absent.

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

 

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And so it was that on a Saturday morning, looped up on all kinds of scary medications, I threw clothes in trash bags, loaded up the girls and cat, and started driving to Utah. Fleeing was a more accurate word for it. And along the way, text after text after text came in from Rob. Incredulous that I was leaving. Begging me to come back. Threatening to cancel my health insurance. Telling me I was a thief and liar. It was shocking and horrible. I couldn't drive away fast enough.

 

The only thing "good" I can say about those horrible and bizarre texts and emails was that it distracted me from the really important things that were going on-- namely my fight for life. I didn't even cry once about leaving Rob. I was numb and shocked and horrified.

 

Think about it...

 

But think about it... Here I was, hearing the dreaded and devastating news that I had CANCER, leaving my abusive alcoholic husband, and moving to another state, all at the same time. Oh, and taking two young children with me who were grappling with the fact that their parents were splitting, that they were having to move to a new school and make new friends, that they would never live with their dad again... All of these things ALONE are HUGE but try doing it ALL TOGETHER AT ONCE is really unimaginable! Traumatic and scary and devastating doesn't even begin to describe it.

 

I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Looking back, I don't know how we did it.