Verbal Abuse Via Text. Another Crazy Exchange with Rob the Great Alcoholicc

Here is my latest column via Divorced Moms. Happy Labor Day weekend, my dear readers!

Lizzy

Alcoholism Hell. A Text "Conversation" With My Drunk Abusive Ex Hubby
By Lizzy Smith                   

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September 05, 2016

During my marriage to Rob the Great (Alcoholic), I was often left scratching my head on how we could be getting along one minute and the next – bam! – we would get in the biggest arguments one could imagine. Of course, looking back on my life married to a drunk, it was the alcoholic. Unstable, mean, makes no sense at all, world of alcoholism.

Flash forward to today, I am happily divorced from The Drunk and have rebuilt my life. I still struggle with my health (myeloma, a blood cancer) and try to be a good mom (even though I too often fail). But at least I’m away from the severe abuse that accompanies an addict.

And so after four years of not speaking, texting or emailing Rob, and his total abandonment of two daughters, he reappeared in February, texting and calling the girls on a regular basis. I was happy and relieved. I prayed often begging God that he would stick around this time. I was hopeful. He invited Mo (our 16 year old) out to San Diego to spend five days with him, he bought her a plane ticket. This was happening!

About a week before “Mo’s” scheduled departure, I got a text from Rob. My heart stopped. Because his communications would often send me into anxiety attacks. They could be so brutally mean and awful. And going back and reading this exchange, I had proof right in front of me that perfectly illustrates my point that Rob was and still is explosive and unpredictable. And a drunk (his many promises to quit drinking have not happened—he is as awful as ever). Words are powerful, especially in the written form, because you can come back to them. And here it goes snippets of our text exchange… (some edits were made to get rid of typos)

August 3, 11:02 AM from Rob to me (Rob is likely sober at this time of day)

Sorry to hear [you are sick]. I did not know [that]. Take care.

My note: Back when I was diagnosed with Stage III multiple myeloma, I told Rob about my diagnosis. He filed outrageous documents with Family Court saying that I wasn’t sick, that I needed to get back to work, and I was making this all up to get sympathy from people. I filed letters from my oncologist – letters that Rob received copies of letters from my oncologist that detailed my health status. Still, Rob denied I was sick, and told mutual friends and his family that I was just trying to get his money. It was disgusting.

From me to Rob
“I’ve been sick for 4.5 years! And I’m in Washington, DC often in a clinical trial at NIH. You know I’ve been sick.

From Rob to me
I didn’t mean to upset you. Last I read about it. You were in remission. That was years ago. I don’t go on social media and only know what I last saw. Now I know. I’m hopeful the trials go well and you recover. Take care.

My note: Maybe there is hope that Rob and I can get along. Maybe he has grown a soul. Cross fingers, crossing fingers. Pray.

It is now 4:19 PM when Rob reappears via text. By now, he has likely been at a bar for over an hour. He often leaves work really super early, takes his work phone and answers emails so his boss and coworkers think he’s still “working.” Instead, he is typically getting wasted. Seriously, some of his “best friends” are bartenders and cocktail waitresses. It’s so sad. Luckily, he works for a utility company and it’s nearly impossible to get fired. The most incompetent employees get promoted or shuttled off to another department so he becomes someone else’s problem.

4:19 PM text from Rob to me
Where is the new dad? (Referring to my husband of about a year)

Keep reading...

Bully me? Ok, TRY IT!

I haven't written in awhile because: 1) my kids are out of school for the summer and I didn't have time; 2) my myeloma relapsed and I've been in more doctor's offices than I can count and is it ever time consuming; 3) I was trying to make peace with my ex husband, Rob the Great (Alcoholic). But I am back! Mostly because Rob has given me so much fresh content and it's so unbelievable crazy that I have to share. Trust me, living among an alcoholic is one of the most AWFUL experiences one can imagine. And the things an alcoholic is capable of doing is stunning and limitless. So here's to writing again, sharing my story, and hopefully letting others out there know that they are not alone.


Open Letter To The Biggest Asshole on the Planet, My Ex Husband
By Lizzy Smith
                   

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August 28, 2016

Many women think their ex is Satan. And maybe he is. But my ex is a special evil kind of man. The lowest of the low. A liar. A bully. And a drunk.

When I got a cancer diagnosis, he literally spit in my face. He is so disgusting, there are truly no words.

When my ex (Rob the Great [Alcoholic]) and I split, he vanished from our two daughters' lives. I mean, he totally disappeared-- no birthday cards, phone calls or texts. He literally shattered their hearts. They didn't understand why. They blamed themselves. It was HORRIBLE. For four years, silence. He blamed it on my blog but this man vanished from their lives some 10 months before I wrote a single word about him.

And then, out of the blue, in February he started calling and texting the girls almost every day. We were all stunned. Why now? What was his motive? My oldest was very guarded in her communication with him, terrified he would just vanish again. Eventually, though, they started warming up to him. A few months later, he invited our oldest daughter, "Mo", to visit him for five days in San Diego and he offered to pay her flight and all their activities. It was a scary but an exciting invite so we said yes. I was truly supportive of their rebuilding their relationship.

About a week before Mo's departure, Rob started texting me with all kinds of bizarre demands, which I will detail later. All of these demands included "if you don't do xyz, I will cut the girls out of my life again." One "request" included my putting in writing that I would end my friendship with his ex wife, Tina (we are great friends), and his two daughters until HE decided I could have a relationship with them again.

Say what? What are we, ten years old? Hell no, I would NOT agree to that because The Drunk does NOT dictate my adult friendships. Another request required Mo helping perpetuate a Big Huge Myth of Rob's real living situation. Those details I will write about later, too. I told Mo that we don't lie or help others lie- ever - and she could say and do anything that was in her good judgement regardless of what Rob was demanding.

All this aside, I was as nice and accommodating with Rob as I could be. I thanked him. I told him how happy Mo was. I did not want to trigger a Rob explosion because, trust me, they are bizarre and frightening. I even fantasized that maybe Rob and I could maintain a decent relationship for the girls' sake. Maybe this was a whole new dynamic and we could do this. We could be adults, move forward. Rainbows and flowers. One could hope, right?

Keep reading...

Cheater Cheater. When Is It Ok To Start Dating Again Post Split?

My latest via Divorced Moms. A touchy, but oh so important, topic. And one I feel passionately about.

Are You Cheating By Dating Before Your Divorce Is Final?
by Lizzy Smith (for Divorced Moms)                    

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December 05, 2015

Several weeks ago, I got an email from a reader asking if I thought that dating before your divorce was final was considered cheating. This, honestly, is a complicated question. Sure, the marriage is over, the two of you have officially split, the divorce petition is filed… So, is it ok to jump into dating? And, if you do, while likely hurtful to your soon-to-be ex, is it considered cheating?

I’m going to say that, yes, it is cheating. And if it isn’t cheating, it definitely is wrong. And the reasons are many. I speak with experience. As I’ve written a million times, I despised my now ex-husband while we were married. I never loved him. He was a volatile, mean and abusive alcoholic. He was evil and frightening at times. When I finally left him in the wake of my cancer diagnosis, I was so over it (and him). Yet… when we left, there were two very confused and hurt children. I was sick (extremely sick, like life-threatening sick). We were confused and scared… There were so many unresolved issues between my ex and me, like filing for divorce, all of my belongings were still in our shared home, we had many assets to divide, even dogs that needed to be split. Life was so “up in the air.” While the girls and I were trying to settle and make sense of a life that none of us chose or foresaw coming, and I was getting chemo and losing my hair and dropping weight at an alarming rate, my husband was on dating sites within days of our departure. Within several weeks, he had a new girlfriend, the one he is with some four years later. It was devastating to me to think that while we were in such turmoil, he was having new sex with a woman he just met and enjoying the start of a new relationship. And, truly, what was this very emotionally sick man doing dating instead of healing, dealing with his severe alcoholism, and concentrating on confused and bewildered children.

As he dated so quickly, what was he teaching his two older children about family and marriage? That is mean absolutely nothing at all. It was all just so… so WRONG.

And for the new woman in his life, I had to wonder what kind of idiot dated a man under these circumstances. And why she chose to hop into the middle of someone else’s marriage and complex divorce. As a survivor herself of a divorce, she knew how horrible the entire process could be. While my ex and I had split, for her, dating a guy under such horrible circumstances meant she was dating a major asshole with huge unresolved emotional issues. Why would any woman do something so stupid on purpose? I had to think she was as emotionally sick as he was. And she had now inherited a deeply sick, disturbing man. Have fun! (And guess what, he hasn't change a bit. A friend of mine who lives in Rob the Great Alcoholic's  neighborhood sees him pounding drinks at bars all over town.)

And for me… it made me dig my heels into the proverbial sand when it came to our divorce even that much harder. If he wanted to enjoy having fun while I was so sick and the kids were so hurt, I was even less willing to have conversations with him that would make the divorce easier on him. I knew what I was owed (a lot, considering I loaned him a ton of money to pay off his former wife) and I was hell-bent on making sure I got exactly what I was entitled to.

So, based on my experience (and the experiences of others I know), here is why, if you ask me, you should refrain yourself from dating until after your divorce is final (even if your husband is jumping back in already):

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The kids are not alright

When I met Rob and we raced forward with our relationship, I was concerned about Morgan, my daughter who was seven years old at the time and in first grade. Was she alright with my dating? Post my divorce, I had dated two men: David and Todd. She knew David well and we spent a lot of time with him and his two daughters who were Morgan's age. We even traveled together. But beyond a simple hug, she never saw us be affectionate and she knew David simply as Mommy's friend. Morgan never met Todd.

After several months, I told Morgan that Mommy was dating Rob. At first, she thought it really weird and then she got used to it. When Rob and I decided to buy the new house and told her that Rob and I were getting married, she was ecstatic. In the few months Rob and I had dated, Rob and Morgan became very close. She loved him and she went to school and told her teacher that "My mom and I are getting married to Rob!" And she quickly called him Daddy. They were very close and Morgan loved to do all the things that Rob did-- diving off a boat, fishing, playing with lobsters and did fish, you name it. And I know that Rob loved Morgan.

Rob's two daughters Kalie and Nicole? Well that was a very different story. First, Rob told me that his girls were fine with his dating again. He and Terri had separated in July, six months prior, and Terri had a new boyfriend and everyone had moved on. Of course, that wasn't true. Terri had just moved out of their home a few weeks prior to our meeting and his girls were in deep emotional pain. In my defense, I had no idea. Completely clueless, I was or trust me, I would never in a million years have started dating this man.

The first time I met Nicole, Rob's oldest daughter, my first impression was that she was a very troubled girl. While she was pretty, I could tell in a second that she was smoking pot and probably doing other drugs. At one time, she had been a very good student but currently was barely making it through her classes, often ditching classes, smoking a lot of pot, and had some very questionable "friends." Nicole and her mom were not on good terms and Nicole was refusing to go to her mom's house for her weeks of custody. Rob said that Terri didn't like Nicole. They both told me of one story in which Terri had confiscated Nicole's phone. They were at Albertsons, the local grocery store, and had run into Terri, who had followed them both up and down isles trying to tell Rob that she had received many text messages on Nicole's phone in which the texter was trying to arrange drug buys with her. Rob thought it funny and blew it off. The result was that Rob no longer encouraged Nicole to go to her mother's house at all and she was living fulltime with Rob.

By the time we moved into our new home, Nicole had a new boyfriend, Tim. Tim was a nice enough boy but he, like Nicole, was going through some major issues. They spent hours and hours at the new house swimming, making out and nearly having sex in our loft, sleeping, going out and partying, and asking Rob for money, which he dutifully handed over.

Right away, I was already starting to get upset about that scenario. I demanded that we put some rules in the house because this was not working for me. No boys upstairs. Period. No making out in front of a seven year old child. No having sex in the house. No drugs EVER. All agreed.

One day shortly after moving into our new house, Nicole screamed at Bob: "I hate this house! I never wanted to move here. I want my old house. You never even asked!"

I was floored. She wasn't happy? She now had a big new house, a bigger room, a pool, central A/C, a better neighborhood. I thought all the kids should be thrilled, right? Stupid, clueless, gullible me.

And there that was Kalie. I really liked Kalie from Day One. She seemed kind, thoughtful, intuitive, smart and savvy. Initially, according to Rob, she told her dad she was fine with him dating but, really, what is a child supposed to say?

After Rob and I got engaged but before we moved into the house, Rob, Morgan, Kalie and I went to my BFF's Julie and Shane's for the weekend. While Rob disappeared to find a bar and drink, Kalie and I went shopping to look for a dress for our wedding. We found a beautiful one that looked amazing on her at Ann Taylor. It was a little pricey at $250 but I bought it for her anyway. I told her if we found something we liked better, we could always return it.

Rob flipped out and demanded we return the dress. Kalie was really upset. I think the dress signified something significant for her: something beautiful in the face of ugliness, and when she wore it, she felt pretty and hopeful. That set Rob and Kalie on a collision course. Kalie was sometimes openly hostile to her dad. Rob blew it off. "Kalie and I are tight. You just wait and see. She'll soon understand that her dad is the only one who can help her be successful in life and that her mom's a loser."

And so he started badmouthing Terri in front of Kalie like you can't believe. And there I was, going right along with it.

We'd hear things like: Your mom doesn't have enough money to pay for that house she rented. Without me, she'd have nothing because I'm the one with the money and she still depends on me. Her budget doesn't work out. Her job is stupid. I could've gotten her a better paying job at the company (they worked for the same place) but she's just too lazy.

I, who earned a substantial living and truly was self sufficient, would hear about her income and expenses and would be baffled. Wow, how was she going to pay those bills? And, truth be told, I was pissed off. Thanks to Rob's ex wife, I was the one writing check after check trying to cover these enormous expenses. I was literally drowning and the more horrible stories about this woman that I heard, the angrier and more frustrated I became.

It wasn't long before Rob and Kalie got in a huge fight in which Rob threw her cell phone in the pool, Terri came to pick up Kalie from our house, they called the police on Rob, and Kalie and Rob didn't speak for a few months. I've already covered that event in this blog so I won't rehash it here.

"The kids are fine!" Rob told me when I brought up the chaos going on in our home.

No,Rob, your kids are not alright.

And our wedding date kept getting closer and closer.

Validation (or "One of us is crazy. Is it me???")

Pretty much every abuser puts his victim down endlessly. My ex husband, Rob the Great (Alcoholic) was no different. (If you're new to my blog, I call my ex Rob the Great because he constantly told me what a "great guy" he was and how he had so much to offer and, really, I should be so happy that I had a guy like him in my life.) He told me things like: without him, I wouldn't have a job; my job was in the dumbest part of the company; I couldn't survive a power outage without him; he was the best dad ever and our children liked him more than they liked me; I wasn't fun like he was; he made so much money and was so successful; if I left him, he'd find another girlfriend in a second because there were so many women out there looking for a great guy like him and, really, I had nothing but baggage and I would have a really hard time; he was so incredibly honest.

When we got in fights, he'd remind me of all of his wonderful qualities. When I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma and fled our home and moved to Utah to enter treatment, the endless horrible texts and emails were incredible. I would read them or forward them to friends so they could see it for themselves because, really, it was hard to believe (Rob comes across as a really nice, sweet, helpful guy until you get to know him).

And then I got this email from Rob:

From: Rob
To: Lizzy
Subject: This is YOU baby!!!!

Everyone in my life hates you and is glad you're gone. Nicole can't believe that you took the girls after I started all over and agreed to raise kids again. The girls love me and miss their dad and I'll tell them it's your fault, baby, that they were taken away from their loving dad. Kalie hates you. She is getting so much more from me now that you're gone. If you think she's being helpful by telling you anything, it's all lies. She's so glad you're gone. When we go to court the room will be filled with everyone supporting me. My mom, Kalie, Nicole, Chris, Joanie, Aussie Mark, Kevin. The landlords are on my side. Even the woman at the Marriott thought you were really weird. So, baby, you just get better and can't wait to see you in court with all my friends ready to testify that I'm a great guy and you're a crazy, lying thieving nutjob. Have a great day!!!!!

A few email exchanges later, I sent Rob an email reminding him about the time in which Kalie told him, sobbing, that if he drank again during the weeks she lived with him, that she would move out and not come back. And then he drank in front of her a few days later and Kalie, true to her word, stopped living with him, decreasing his custody from 50-50 to 90-10.

Rob responded with this:  It never happened!! You're a LIAR and Kalie is going to write a letter saying it never happened!!!

Clearly, one of us is crazy. After a while, I started wondering if I was the crazy one and not Rob. I needed validation.

Immediately after getting this email, I contacted our landlords. "I'm sorry to hear that you're on Rob's side. Can you tell me what that means, exactly?" I asked. He was baffled. "On Rob's side? We don't have enough information to be on either side and we're just the landlords. That said, we hear you are sick and we pray you'll recover soon. We both like you very much and are so sorry."

Next, I sent Kevin a text message. Kevin is a friend of Rob's who coached Morgan in soccer for several years and was our Realtor in San Diego. "Hi Kevin. I hear you plan on going to court to testify on what a great guy Rob is and how crazy I am. I am sorry to hear that and wish you all the best. You know how much I struggled with Rob's drinking because you and I discussed it. I want you to know I never lied or exaggerated. I survived hell, escaped it, and am now sick." Kevin responded immediately. "I would never go to court to say anything bad about you! I know how much you struggled and I have not one thing bad to say about you. I don't know why Rob would put words in my mouth like that."

I then contacted the Marriott Residence Inn in La Jolla. I knew that Rob lied about this one. The girls and I stayed at that property three times over the years when Rob and I got into an argument and I needed to seek refuge somewhere. Each time, the stays were for one night and after checking in, we quietly retreated to our room, had breakfast the next morning, and left. I forwarded the email to the manager and talked with him many times. He interviewed every front desk manager at the property and told me that no one has any idea what Rob was talking about, nor would anyone ever give that kind of feedback.

Several months ago, I talked to Kalie, Rob's younger daughter. I told her that if there was anything in this blog that she found untruthful or hurtful to her or her mother, I would remove it. "No," she said. "Every single word is true and don't change a thing."

There was no need to contact anyone in Rob's family after I got the call from one of them. I've written about it in this blog but on that call, this family member told me that they all knew Rob was an alcoholic and needed help and they were incredibly disappointed that instead of getting help, he was simply acquiring a new girlfriend.

But the coup de grace was this email. It came to me several months ago via email. Someone had stumbled on my blog and sent me a private email. I've changed a few words and names so as to keep this person's identity private.

Lizzy,

I know [a woman who knows Bob well] and that's how I know Bob. Even though he's nice and helpful enough, I always thought there was something off about him. Several in our circle thought the same. Of course we won't tell [our friend] this because we don't want to get in the middle of it. One night I did a Google search and found your blog. Wow what a story! I cried when I was done reading. Everything confirms what I thought but couldn't quite put my finger on. He's an alcoholic. I am so sorry you went through that and I worry about [my friend]. I am hopeful she'll figure it out before it's too late. Stay strong, Lizzy! You are an inspiration of strength and resilience. What comes around goes around. Some day Bob will feel the pain that he has caused you, your children and his first family. I'll be praying for your health and full recovery.

That email came at such a perfect time-- a time when I was having panic attacks about my health and future. As bad as I feel for any woman who gets involved with Rob, it is no longer me. I was so relieved that I was no longer the one listening to his screaming fits and pathetic excuses for his behavior. I was no longer his enabler. Instead of getting help for his disease, Rob finds a new honey. I was that new honey but no more. Sad that someone else becomes the "distraction" but at least it's no longer me. Let someone else help Rob teach his children that marriages are so unimportant that when one ends, just hop right back into another. That, really, is a "great" message to teach your children (if you want them to have unhealthy relationships themselves, anyway). Let someone else be Rob's cover. I was done.

Validation was necessary. A reality. Fact check. No, I wasn't the crazy one.

Rob says if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't even have a job!

Abusers tear down their victims. It's how they keep us stuck, trying to survive in their chaos and web of lies and deceit. One of the countless ways Rob the Great (Alcoholic) tore me down was trying to convince me that without him, I couldn't survive life. Somehow, I wouldn't be able to live on my own, I couldn't have survived the 18-hour San Diego blackout of 2011 (or, as it turned out, without his SCREAMING at me that night), and I couldn't even get a job on my own.

Let's start with a few facts: I have a college degree. I have years of experience in my field. I've worked for large companies and had a successful career. My job as AVP of Communications at one of the largest companies in the world was coming to an end as they were getting ready to close down the business unit I was working for. So I started looking for another job. I sent off resumes to two of San Diego's largest employers. Long story short, I got job offers from both-- nearly identical offers, with the same title. I had a choice. But somehow, all of this was... thanks to Bob?

Let's hear it straight from Bob the Great's mouth:

From: Rob the Great
To: Lizzy Smilez
Subject: Re: Your counseling Appt.

Oh, I'm reading this, I helped you get the Michelle job and through Jorge Dasilva, you got connected with a job with Sara that would pay you right.

----- Original Message -----
From: Lizzy Smilez
To: Rob the Great
Subject: Re: Your counseling Appt.

You don't want to go to counseling and we both know why. And I never expected you to show. As usual, I take your alcohol recovery far more seriously than you do. I went a year ago alone when you were a no-show and I will again.

I got both job offers on my own. Believe it when I tell you that my resume is very, very strong and I interview very well. Being unhappy in a job doesn't begin to address your alcoholism or our intolerable way of communicating. It was inexcusable for you to SCREAM at me when I asked you a very simple question while doing OUR budget- it takes me a long time and I HATE it. Yet you SCREAMED at me in a second. What the HELL was that about????

I love sober Rob. I guess. I haven't really known a Rob who was seriously trying to conquor a VERY SERIOUS disease.

And you are right: you have no ability to stop me from moving anywhere with the kids. I will make that very serious decision when I must. I am clearly at a crossroads and I will very soon decide which path to take.

So while we're emaling (since we can't talk or you refuse to go to therapy) let's discuss that you drank while I was away and you did some other things that were way out of line, there's plenty of blame to go around so take a long look in the mirror yourself. I am very much looking forward to my therapy appt more than you know and I will embrace the hour alone if you don't show up. Notice that I don't beg you to do anything anymore. I know I'm sitting on a ticking timebomb and life is highly unstable for me.

So my next email was to Michelle, my hiring manager. And the next email I send off will be to Jorge DaSilva. Something tells me I got my next job within the company all on my own!

11:02am

Lizzy Smilez

Hi. I've got to ask: when you hired me at sempra, did anyone "encourage" you to hire me? I'm going thru old emails and bob says that I got the job thanks to him.

12:40pm

Michelle

Lol. No. I liked you on my own. I had never even met bob before.

If you talk to Rob, you'd thing he was The Most Important guy at work. Seriously, without Rob the Great (Alcoholic) none of San Diego would have any power. Except no one believes that but Rob. During the blackouts, Rob was telling Nicole that he was busy at work solving the power crisis. Except that wasn't true (yes, Rob actually lies!). He actually left work early, beat me home, picked up Siena (drunk, of course), and by the time Morgan and I got home, he was ready to terrorize me-- and boy oh boy, terrorize me he did.

Kalie called me that evening and we had a good laugh that Rob was telling lies aimed at convincing others how very, very important he was when, in reality, he was just home drunk. Rob's a legend (in his own mind anyway).

Note to Victims: Believe NOTHING that comes out of the mouth of an alcoholic, especially when it has anything to do with putting you down. There's only ONE reason Rob the Great  (Alcoholic) took credit for my job offers: to make me feel worthless. That's an abuser for ya.
 

 

Here's an email I sent myself. Very sad (and honest)

From: Lizzy Smilez
To: Lizzy Smilez
Subject: remember this, my friend

Note to self: Your son of a bitch soon to be ex husband yelled at me for not doing enough. Mind you, I usually get criticized for not relaxing, but that's another story (though shows the inconsistency of my soon to be ex husband's arguments). So he doesn't want to make dinner because... because... because... he dropped off the kids and picked Siena up at school. Hmmm... No problem, husband of the year. Instead, sit down on the couch, watch TV, and go out for a sandwich. I made dinner for the kids, finished the laundry, put all the laundry away (and the kids laundry basket was overflowing), helped Morgan with homework, work with Siena on puzzles, made lunches, played a game with Siena, put her to bed, and put Morgan to bed. Oh, yeah, and I put the dogs 'to bed'-- all the while soon to be ex husband went to bed before 8:00 PM. I mean, how much does a sober person need to sleep? Ah, but he's not always so sober, is he? But he thinks I'm dumb and gullible and he thinks that I don't know he doesn't sneak a drink here and there. But he's wrong. I am not a gullible idiot. My soon to be ex husband forgets that he goes out of town for days most every week while I do EVERYTHING but he deserves a fucking MEDAL when he drops the kids off at school. Wow. Amazing. And he tries to give ME parenting advice? Yeah, I've seen the fruits of his parenting and... NO THANKS. It is outrageous and insulting that this pathetic soon to be ex husband thinks that he deserves a Father of the Year award because he'll go to school and talk about thumb sucking and thinks that is PARENTING but actually buying groceries and Christmas gifts isn't. He has NO IDEA and I don't quite frankly care except that I have to try and live with this man until we sell the house. Hello soon to be ex husband: I've done my research and I've carefully plotted my escape. I know exactly where I'm going, I already have my budget done, and I've already thoroughly vetted out my rights (or, rather, his lack of rights). My soon to be ex husband (who I will from here forthwith refer to as ST BEX- ha ha) loves to hail what a great dad he is. Seeing he fruits of his labor shows he is crazy. He says how PRODUCTIVE and well adjusted he and his siblings are. hahaha That is so unbelievably funny. If that is success to him, then we cannot and will never think alike enough to try and live together. And what's even funnier is that he thinks he pays more attention to the kids than I do. hahahahahahahahahaha He is delusional. ST BEX has taken the kids to very few doctors appointments. Most of the dr appts take place at night after work. I went to more Morgan soccer games, skating practices, teacher conferences than he has. And Siena? Well, she hasn't had any teacher conferences yet-- but those conversations he's had with the school? So have I. It's whoever picks her up at school who has the conversations with the teachers. And I want to take Siena to skating lessons and tried to sign her up for soccer practice. ST BEX thinks she's too young and really just wants to go out of town every weekend, making it impossible. I don't need him. I don't need this marriage. I think I am better off without him. For sure, I will be happier without him. He is not a net positive in my life. My life is far more complicated with him in it. And I am far better off without him than I am with him. Tick tock. He is evil. He is hateful. He tries to put me down all the time. Well look in the mirror, fat alcoholic with Santa Claus belly and tiny miniscule penis and high pitched screaming screeching woman's tone. BOB: YOU SUCK AND IF YOUR PENIS WERE SMALLER YOU'D BE A EUNUCH. Love me

You have a tiny penis and you suck in bed!

From the time of my diagnosis when "Rob" screamed and spit in my face and called me a thief, liar and drama queen, I really tried to take the high road. I either remained silent, pleaded with him to show compassion, or tried to remind him that I had just been diagnosed with CANCER (to no avail). Finally, I started throwing the meanest verbal insults his way. Mature? No. Right? No. But I felt the need to fight back.

This awful fighting pattern was true throughout our entire marriage. It would go like this: Rob would get drunk (or want to get drunk) and scream at me in that horrid pitch that only Rob can reach. 90 percent of the time, I'd walk away. After all, arguing with a drunk is pointless. But that would never be good enough for Rob. He'd follow me around the house. Sometimes I'd say something like, "I'm walking away from you. Go away." In which case he'd respond by screaming some more with this crazed, glazed look in his eyes. If it was a weekend, I'd pack up the girls and me and go stay in a hotel or stay with my best friends in Long Beach before coming back. And then Rob would start texting or emailing me horrible messages, which I'd ignore for a day or two. And then I'd start responding. It would take two to four days before Rob would calm down enough and apologize for his ridiculous behavior and promise to go to help with his drinking problem. And, of course, that would never happen. He'd say he was at an AA meeting when, in fact, he was drinking at the BrewCo instead. (He did this same thing in his first marriage, by the way.)

Rob always accused me of having a huge temper. I can honestly say that I deserve a medal for the most part for ignoring his stupid behavior. Until I didn't. That one out of 10 times that I decided to fight back got ugly because I was ready to defend myself (finally) with every ounce of energy I had.

So this time I told him what I really thought about him but always had the somewhat good sense beforehand to not say.

You have the smallest penis ever

You suck in bed

You're fat

I never loved you (true statement)
When I met Rob, he was simply a guy to hang out with while I tried to mend my shattered heart from a prior relationship. Rob was really good at selling himself as a good, honest, sweet guy who simply had been terrorized by his ex wife who never appreciated what a great guy he really was. He seemed innocent and kind and helpful. He was great with my daughter and good to me. This is what Rob does-- when there's an audience, he's "on it". And he was aggressively pursuing me. When we purchased our home and got married, I didn't love him at all. I liked and respected him and thought we could have a good future together as companions and parents. The problem was, Rob is none of the things he portrays himself to be. And once I figured that out, ever learning to love him was impossible.

I cheated on you (not true)
I told him I cheated on him with my ex boyfriend Todd. I knew this would cut through his heart. His ex wife, Terri, had an affair when they were married (although the number of affairs Terri had grew each time he talked about Terri-- first she had one affair, then three, then countless). I told him that I cheated on him and his next wife would cheat on him, too, because he was a horrible husband. Well, that part is true. He is a horrible partner. Unpredictable, volatile, a liar, a hair trigger temper, mean and lazy. But I never cheated on him. I did meet up with Todd several times throughout my marriage but I never once even kissed him (besides on the cheek). I wanted to cheat on him. But it just wasn't me so I didn't.

And so it was that my texts finally matched his in evilness. I can't say it made me feel better but there was something sadly empowering about no longer keeping my mouth shut. Here I was, downing some 30 pills per day, getting blood transfusions and platelets, undergoing another painful biopsy without any medications, receiving texts from Rob the Great (Alcoholic) that accused me of being a thief and a liar... And I at least was finding the strength to fight back. Somewhere in my reserves of fear and exhaustion and shock and horror about my health, I could at least fight Rob where it hurt him the most. Literally, below the belt.

And yet, after several weeks of this, it served no purpose but to make me sadder than ever. I had jumped into the Rob cesspool and it was not a pretty or comfortable place to be. I wasn't proud of it. I didn't want to fight like that. It was not the person I wanted to be. And Rob and I actually started a reconciliation of sorts, which will be a blog post of another day.

Lessson learned?
So what did I learn from this? For me, when I feel cornered like a wounded animal, I fight back. Actually, I don't fight back for awhile, hoping that I'll find an out. Hoping that my logic will prevail over something more primitive in all of us. But I'm human and eventually I'll come out swinging. I did this throughout my entire relationship with Rob. And it is not the person I want to be. It is not the way I want to handle conflict. Logically speaking, you can't argue with a drunk. There is no point and no one will ever win. I wish I could use the logical part of my brain always.

If I could do it all over again, I would have left Rob a few months after our wedding when I started seeing the first patterns of alcoholic behavior, laziness, and aggression. Instead, I believed so strongly in my commitment, in my sense of duty to family, and the hope I had that Rob would become the man that he tried to portray himself to be initially, that I stayed. I stayed to the detriment of my emotional and physical health.

Rob says I have a huge temper and I'm a control freak (more on that later). It's so trite to hear that from the mouth of an alcoholic. I learned that in Alanon. Alcoholics accuse their partners as control freaks because those around them don't like the behaviors of an alcoholic. That makes us, the victims, seem controling-- because we refuse at some point to think that behavior is acceptable. Bob is no different.

Lizzy's advice
So here's my advice to anyone living with, or dating, an alcoholic: Run. And run fast. It never gets better (unless the alcoholic bottoms out and puts in a fulltime commitment to recovery). It always gets worse. It is not healthy for anyone to live in that kind of environment. It messes with the victime emotionally. It is detrimental to children living in that environment. It is a hell like no other. Save yourself.

Beginning treatment, fleeing my alcoholic husband, and moving (simultaneously)

When I was diagnosed, my parents were with me. Dr Raja was kind, positive and upbeat. After weeks of terror and fear, getting the diagnosis was actually a relief. I also left that appointment with, like, 20 prescriptions of medication. I was told that I was starting a work-up for a stem cell transplant. Before this diagnosis, I basically wasn't taking an aspirin. Going from that mindset to dumping all kinds of toxins into my body was scary.

One of the medications I started taking was a combo of dexamethasone and Revlimid. My bone marrow showed over 90% of myeloma cells, which put me at a Stage III. The dex-Rev combo would help start killing myeloma cells immediately. Over the next several weeks, I began to feel the effects of dex and it was awful. My voice changed to this rough tone. I became weak and dizzy with a racing heart. I felt so weird, like I was floating. I didn't think right. I was tired but wired at the same time. Morning were awful. I would walk a few steps and need to sit down to stop my racing heart. I felt horrible all the time.

The night of my diagnosis, I sat down with the girls individually and explained that I had a tough blood disorder, that it wouldn't kill me, but I had some big treatments ahead and I needed the help of Grandpa and Grandma because Daddy couldn't be counted on. I also told them we were moving to Utah. Siena was fine with it, like it was the most natural thing in the world. Morgan not so much. She cried. She was incredulous. She understood. It broke my heart that we were in a situation where, when I got sick, I couldn't depend on my husband. Oh, no, the thought of going through tough treatments and fighting for my life with Rob was revolting. Even in "good" times, Rob couldn't be counted on. In anything that smelled of challenging, Rob became an even more hateful and evil and agressive drunk. I learned that firsthand earlier in the year. I got pregnant and miscarried twice in 2011 and both times and through two D&Cs, Rob was awful-- drunk, mean and most unhelpful. This would be far worse.

Here is one particularly telling email that I got from Rob:

From: Rob
To: Lizzy Smilez
Sent: Saturday, January 14, 2012 6:07 PM
Subject: Re: Re:

Had my liver tested to be able to use antibuse, it's in great shape. how cool is that!

 

 

-----------------------

 

Nice, huh? Here I was, newly diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma and one of the biggest dangers of the disease was total liver and/or kidney failure, and this email was just disgusting and disturbing. Here's another exchange...
 

----------------------

From: Rob
Sent: Monday, January 16, 2012 02:42 PM
To: 'lizzysmilez@gmail.com>
Subject: Re: Sundance Meadows Customer Receipt/Purchase Confirmation
And if you think kalie is being supportive by perhaps telling you I'm at the brew co all the time, she's not. To have you out of her life, she thinks she also gains quite a bit. So, for your info., I can't drink alcahol, I'm on antibuse. I had to get non alcohol shaving cream, anti persprent and rethink everything I do as it's a huge deal. I did this for me as I need time to think clearly now without the fog. And yes, I am soul searching, if I wasn't, I'd have gone legal by now.  If you think there is a way we can ever be together, to work together without any negative family influence I can do that too.

From: Rob
Sent: Monday, January 16, 2012 02:10 PM
To: 'lizzysmilez
Subject: Re: Sundance Meadows Customer Receipt/Purchase Confirmation
And still, I'm at the door knocking as I feel god brought us together for more than a learning experience. Let me know if you will except my help, if not, I will be on my way Liz. And I am a real good guy, just beant to do a lot in life because of my own doing with not speaking out. And drank to get through it all. But we bith know that there has to be a new direction for us both and we can do it together as a team

From: lizzysmilez
Sent: Monday, January 16, 2012 01:58 PM
To: Rob
Subject: Re: Sundance Meadows Customer Receipt/Purchase Confirmation

I need a village, you're right. In San Diego, I have nothing and no one, least of all you. Your behavior frightens me and our relationship is horrible and volatile. The only time we function somewhat normally is on a vacation. Normal riggors of family life leave you angry, agitated, and desparate and I hate it. In san diego, I don't have your support and with the exception of kalie (big surprise) your family is absent.

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

 

-------------------------

 

And so it was that on a Saturday morning, looped up on all kinds of scary medications, I threw clothes in trash bags, loaded up the girls and cat, and started driving to Utah. Fleeing was a more accurate word for it. And along the way, text after text after text came in from Rob. Incredulous that I was leaving. Begging me to come back. Threatening to cancel my health insurance. Telling me I was a thief and liar. It was shocking and horrible. I couldn't drive away fast enough.

 

The only thing "good" I can say about those horrible and bizarre texts and emails was that it distracted me from the really important things that were going on-- namely my fight for life. I didn't even cry once about leaving Rob. I was numb and shocked and horrified.

 

Think about it...

 

But think about it... Here I was, hearing the dreaded and devastating news that I had CANCER, leaving my abusive alcoholic husband, and moving to another state, all at the same time. Oh, and taking two young children with me who were grappling with the fact that their parents were splitting, that they were having to move to a new school and make new friends, that they would never live with their dad again... All of these things ALONE are HUGE but try doing it ALL TOGETHER AT ONCE is really unimaginable! Traumatic and scary and devastating doesn't even begin to describe it.

 

I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Looking back, I don't know how we did it.

Rob is a legend only in his own mind (even his family knows he's sick)

 

I fled abusive "Rob" on the Saturday of MLK weekend 2012 and moved to Utah. I had thrown clothes into trash bags, put the cat in a carrier, and drove off. And as I drove towards Utah, I received text after text from Rob. They varied from "I love you, come back, I'm so sorry" to "you're a lying bitch." It was truly bizarre and unbelievable. I couldn't get away from him fast enough. In fact, just days after I left, he sent me an email stating that he got on Antibuse (a prescription that makes an alcoholic really sick if they come in contact with alcohol) and that prior to getting the prescription, they had to check his liver function. He told me he had a PERFECT liver! I wanted to throw up. One of the main effects of my disease was that it attacked one's liver and many with my disease first presented with complete liver failure. It was so incredibly inappropriate that it made my head spin. But that's Rob for ya.

What really confused me, however, was that Rob's family was silent. Well, Kalie, his younger daughter from his first marriage, called and texted me to see if I was OK. Kalie and I had a rough start in our relationship but she had ended up being a close pal and confidante. It was a relief to learn from her that Rob's abusive behavior wasn't just reserved for me-- he had done it to his first wife, Terri, as far back as she can remember. But, I kept wondering, why was not a single Stolberg calling or texting me at all? 

And then I got "the call". I won't betray confidences or throw anyone under the bus so let's suffice it to say this: The person who called me was one of Rob's adult family members (not the children).  The phone call was this: Rob had emailed the adult family members telling them not to have any contact with me. He went further by telling them that he wanted letters from them saying I was awful to his children and anything else they could say negatively about me. This family member said that the Stolberg's always stuck up for each other and that is why no one would contact me but that they all realized Rob was sick, that he needed help, and that what he had done to the kids and me was wrong. This person also said that Rob had promised (again) to enter treatment for his alcoholism but instead was busy trying to find a new girlfriend. In fact, he had contacted one of Chris and Joanie's friends trying to arrange a date the weekend I left him. (Rob had also contacted Chris asking if he could move in with them but that no one in that home really wanted Rob there because he would try to sneak into Chris and Joanie's liquor supply in the middle of the night.) This family member said that they were all stunned with Rob's rush back into another relationship. He had done this after he and Terri split-- dating way too soon instead of taking time to heal. And he was repeating it. They all recognized Rob needed a lot of help and therapy and time, but they all realized, too, that Rob was incapable of doing that. (I have to say, when I learned that Rob had emailed Terri just weeks prior to our meeting telling her how sorry he was for how he treated her, I was sick. I felt so stupid that he had been trying to repair things with Terri just weeks before he pursued me with a vengeance. It made me feel so stupid and used. And Rob did this again with the new honey. If I were her, I'd feel like an idiot, too.)

...And then I got to thinking: Is remaining silent the right approach to take when you know your a member or your family needs serious help? If your son or brother was sick, wouldn't you try an intervention? How many times had I called Peggy, his mom, and discussed Rob's problems with her? She tried the soft approach with Rob-- setting up appointments with her priest, Father Joe, asking him how therapy was going, calling me at work asking me if I would take her son back if he got help... But no serious intervention, which Rob desperately needed. Maybe if that had happened, Rob wouldn't have destroyed two families.


So as I ponder the Rob the Great (Alcoholic), I wonder how much of his abusive behavior and destruction could have been prevented. Did someone in his family owe it to me to warn me that Bob was an alcoholic? Would I have listened? The only one who tried to warn me was Terri, his ex wife, but when she did, it was too late-- we were just days away from our wedding. Rob was great at hiding his disease. He lied to me. He deceived me. He was abusive. His behavior was ridiculous.

I'll never forget an email that Terri sent to the Stolberg family a few months after Rob and I got married. In the letter, she was trying to set the record straight and defend herself against the lies that Rob told everyone about her. I will never forget one sentence she wrote: 

"I prayed every single day that things would get better with Bob and they never did," Terri wrote.

That sentence sent chills up and down my spine and throughout our entire chaotic relationship, this sentence replayed in my head over and over and over again. I did the same. I prayed every day that Rob would change, that things would get better, and they never did.

 

Robin Roberts is my hero. Fighting for life is HARD

Robin Roberts returned to Good Morning America yesterday and I was riveted. She had a bone marrow transplant; I had two stem cell transplants. While the two are different, they are very similar in treatment, workup, side effects, and treatment in general. I purchased People magazine with her on the cover. She is beautiful and rockin' it without a wig. I am not there yet. I wear a wig- a good one and I dare say it looks better than the hair I had before I shaved it all off.

She talks about how afraid she was at time. How sick she got. How her muscles atrophed and how weak she was. How she still has her heart pound every time she goes in for blood work. And how she still has chemo brain. Me too!

The month prior to diagnosis
Leading up to my diagnosis was not a fun time and I started to know in my gut that something wasn't right. In December, I went on a business trip to New Orleans and worked ridiculous hours. While I wasn't tired, I wasn't mentally sharp anymore. Co-workers would mention meetings I had been in that I had absolutely no memory of. I left important documents in public places. By the time I flew home, I was exhausted beyond belief. The next two days were a Thursday and Friday and I was given comp days to rest up.

After dropping off the kids at school on Thursday morning, I started cleaning the house. "Rob" (my alcoholic husband) never cleaned and he was a slob and I was disgusted with the way the house looked. So I did laundry, unpacked and scrubbed. And then I did my least favorite thing in the entire world-- I started balancing our checking account. Rob stayed home that day and around noon we were going to do something together. I saw on the account the Rob had paid with the debit card for something at Costco. I asked him a simple question: "I thought you paid cash at Costco but it shows here that used the debit." I kid you not, he started SCREAMING at me like only Rob the Great (Alcoholic) can. His scream is this freaky bizarre falsetto/mezzo soprano pitch. And he wrings his hands and nearly jumps up and down. Seriously, unless you see it, you wouldn't even believe it. He looks like a freak and sounds like a shrill woman.

I asked him as calmly as I could, "Why are you screaming at me? I can hear you. I'm right in front of you." In which case he started screaming at me some more. "This is my day off! I want to relax!!!!!" I said to him back, "And this is my comp day. I am exhausted. And I am doing things for our home-- things I hate doing, things that must be done, and things that you promised from Day 1 of our relationship that you would take over [like the finances]." 

He then called me a bitch and I stood up and shoved him hard and told him to shut the fuck up. I grabbed my handbag, got in my car and drove around sobbing. Rob and I had a counseling session that afternoon together with his alcohol counselor at Kaiser that afternoon and I it couldn't come fast enough.

I drove to Costco and went shopping. On my way home, Rob called screaming at me again. I had left my handbag in the shopping cart and it was at the Costco member services department and how could I be so stupid to leave my purse there? I hung up on him and drove back to Costco. By now, I knew something was wrong with me. I was shaking, confused, and scared. And I was angry with Rob-- so angry with myself for staying with this monster for so long. I hated him.

A few hours later, I picked Morgan up at school and she told me that while I was on my business trip, Rob had taken the kids to Nic's house (Nic is Rob's oldest daughter. She lived with us for a few years and was a total pot head and more. There are all kinds of stories of the awful things she did in our home which necissitated her moving out. Over Thanksgiving just a few weeks prior, Nic called Rob from the hospital for something I shouldn't mention but is highly illegal. Anyway, I told Rob to pack his things so I could take him to the airport so he could be with Nic during this dire time of need. Rob refused, saying she probably made it up. He wanted the two of us to spend the night in Salt Lake City at a swanky hotel instead. Rob sure is a GREAT dad-- in addition to being a GREAT alcoholic!). Rob had told me prior that he had been to Nicole's home and she and her rommate left drug accessories out on the coffee table. Kalie, Rob's younger daughter stopped by Nicole's home once for dinner and Nicole and her boyfriend, Nick, were smoking pot throughout dinner and she left in disgust. Based on this, Rob and I agreed that the children were never to go to Nicole's home but that they could see her whenever Rob wanted but it had to be in a neutral place, like a restaurant or movie or his mom's house. Instead, while I was gone, Rob took the kids to her house and told them both to never tell me they had gone there. I was furious because Rob broke another promise to me (how should I be surprised?) and even worse, he told the children to lie to me. (I mean, why not? Rob lies about everything and pretty much sees nothing wrong with it.)

Soon after, Rob called me to scream at me and tell me he wasn't going to the counseling session. "Of course you're not," I said. "You'll have to tell your counselor you're still a drunk and while you're supposed to be at group therapy sessions, you're at the bars and diving."

My next call was to Kalie. "Hey, Kalie, your dad this to your family when you were growing up, right? It's not just me that gets this wonderful treatment, is it?"

"No," she said. "I've lived it my whole life. My mom didn't drink for nine years and nothing got better so take that as you will."

I then went to Kaiser and met with Bob's counselor and I was nearly hysterical crying. The gist was that Rob was an alcoholic and she told me I needed to leave him, that he wasn't getting better and he wouldn't until he bottomed out and even then, he might not. And she put me on temporary work leave to allow me to gather my thoughts and prepare for leaving Rob. Wow-- I had never had a counselor actually be that forceful about any decision.

On the following Tuesday, I went to my primary care doctor. Something still wasn't right and I knew it. I insisted on a CBC panel. And that's how the doctor noticed I had some very bad anomalies. But that came a few weeks later.

Soon thereafter, it was Christmas and the girls and I were flying to Utah a few days prior to Rob coming out to join us. On our way to the airport, we ran some errands and finished up sooner than expected. We were going to be droppoed off at the airport some four hours early. We were near Target in Mission Valley and I said I wanted to run into Target and buy an inexpensive watch for the flight. No one needed to get out of the car and I'd be maybe 10 minutes. Rob didn't like that. I started screaming at me that I didn't need a watch and I needed to be at the airport early. Yes, screaming. I wanted to throw him out of the car. I gave in and started driving to the airport with my heart pounding. In my head I'm thinking, "I hate you, you fat drunk cow with the tiny penis and the shrill voice. I hate you." I finally said, in not my finest moment, and in front of the kids: "Let me remind you that I never asked you to marry me. I've asked you 100 times to move out and not once have I ever asked you to come back. In fact, every time you did come back, I was sick to my stomach about it. I don't need you and I don't need this marriage." There was silence in the car. I knew the reason he had to hurry up and get us to the airport was so that he could have drinks-- and have them FAST. While waiting in the airport, I called his favorite bar, The San Diego Brewing Company, and sure enough, Rob was there drinking. Big shocker-- I couldn't take 10 minutes to buy a watch because my sick alcoholic husband had to have a drink NOW.

When we got curbside at the airport, Rob unloaded our car and the skycap asked for the flyers' last names. "Nielsen," he said. "They are all Nielsen. That's just great!" (Rob hated that I never changed my last name or Siena's.") I said loudly, "I'll tell you what, you quit drinking and being an abusive drunk and I'll change our last names. You first, buddy." And that's how we left.

Over the next many days, Rob sent me one hateful text after the next. I was a control freak. I tried to change the Great & Wonderful Rob, I was a horrible mom, I was lazy and that's why I went on leave. Blah blah blah. I ignored them all. While I was in Utah without Rob, I realized I didn't ever want to go back to my old life and the thought of Rob coming in a few days made me feel sick. But come he did. I picked him up at the airport on Christmas morning. The site of him made my stomach clench up.

He got in the car apologetic and humble. "Will you marry me in the Catholic church if I get an annulment from Terri? I have never loved anyone like I love you and 2012 is going to be a great year. I want you to marry me in the church."

"Rob, we are not OK. I don't like the way you treat me."

"I know but it's going to be great next year. I'm going to train for a marathon and quit drinking. You'll see."

"Right," I said. "This is dejavu."

And Rob went on and on about how he was a family man, we were going to be great, I was the love of his life, it was going to be great, blah blah blah. I tuned it out.

A few days later, we were with the kids at Thanksgiving Point looking at the farm animals when my doctor called. I was highly anemic but not iron deficient. When I got back to San Diego, they were going to do body scans, more blood work, urine tests, I would see a specialist in hemotology/oncology... I almost fainted. "Should I be worried?" I asked. "Well, we don't know yet but we'll take good care of you." Oh my God, no one ever wants a call like that. The next week was a blurr of my mom and I doing research on the Internet. I was terrified. I wasn't sleeping or eating. I had pretty much diagnosed myself with Multiple Myeloma. My time spent researching drove Rob bat-crazy. He hated me obsessing about my health and I wanted him to leave me alone. I didn't want to go home for tests, I didn't want to be with him, I wanted to curl into a ball in my mom's lap and with it all away.

But we flew home to San Diego on January 1. The night prior, Rob said he couldn't wait to go home. I said, "Not me. If I didn't have to go back for testing, I would stay right here." That shocked him but I didn't give a rat's ass anymore. I hated him. He was not my friend, lover, supporter-- he was an abusive, mean, highly volatile, lying, screaming drunk.

And on January 2, I woke up and went to Kaiser for testing. Before I left, Rob wanted me to wait several hours so he could run errands and I could watch the kids. I was incensed. "Rob, my testing is more important than your errands, don't you think? Sorry, but I'm going to Kaiser." And I left. And Rob was furious. And I just hated him more. I was sick with worry, getting ready for horrible testing, and Rob was mad at me for putting my health ahead of his errands, which of course included time for drinks at the bar.

And that's the day I came home from my testing, having been told by the radiologist that my doctors thought I had cancer, and Rob came home drunk and screamed at me so loud he was spitting in my face, calling me a drama queen, stupid, lazy and on and on. I called the police and had him removed from the home. And that's the last day we lived together.

Later, Rob told me I was his trigger for drinking. Except he drank throughout his entire first marriage. Before he told me that his drinking was my fault, it was Nicole, and Terri, and his Dad's death, and work... And the list is endless.

In October 2011, San Diego had a blackout where we had no power at all for many hours. I got a call from Kalie. "Is my dad at work?" she asked. It was about 5:30 pm at this time. "No," I said. "He's home drunk. He was terrorizing me as usual so I left and I'm driving around. Why?" Kalie responded, "Because my dad told Nicole he was too busy to talk to her because he was coping with the power outage in San Diego." I laughed, "Ha ha ha. Your dad acts like he's president of the company and the whole of San Diego would fall apart without the all important Rob the Great (Alcoholic). Well, Kalie, let me tell you that your dad is not at work. He beat me home from work and he was already drunk when he got home, telling me I couldn't handle life without him with this power outage. So he was terrorizing me  and not at work." We both laughed over that. How typical. What a liar. And an exaggerator.

And that's Rob in a nutshell. Nice guy (if he has an audience anyway).

Rob is worse than John Edwards (the former US presidential candidate & major deuchebag)

Is there a bigger asshole in the entire world than John Edwards? The answer is yes.

John Edwards is a major prick. He was a former presidential and vice presidential candidate. His wife, Elizabeth, was fighting breast cancer and eventually died from the disease. It came out prior to her death that he had an affair with Reille Hunter and had fathered a child. He claims the affair and pregnancy happened while Elizabeth was in remission. At least John stood by Elizabeth during her horrible treatments and supported her through the end. Does that make him a good guy? Of course not-- pretty much everyone agrees that he's a complete and total asshole.

But Rob the Great (Alcoholic) is worse
But "Rob" the Great (Alcoholic) can run circles around John Edwards when it comes to the asshole factor. When I was diagnosed with my illness, Rob did not stand by me. Actually, he threatened me that if I left him, he would cancel my health insurance. Let's see... I have a life threatening illness. I am terrified (who wouldn't be?). I need to enter treatment immediately. And Rob wanted to cancel my health insurance so... what... I could not get treatment and die? And he repeated that threat for weeks until I filed for a legal separation in February, which prevented him from canceling my insurance. Rob immediately switched the separation to a divorce. I got that news as I was at the clinic strapped to an IV getting blood transfusions, platelets, and chemo pumped into my veins.

I was officially diagnosed on January 6, 2012. The time leading up to that diagnosis was a Hell I can't adequately describe. I couldn't eat or sleep. I would have panic attacks at random times and couldn't breathe. My parents were with me at that appointment. Dr. Raja came in and, full of positive energy, gave me my diagnosis and said that I was highly treatable but the treatments weren't fun, would take a very long time (maybe the rest of my life), and I needed to enter treatment immediately. My parents and I cried.

After a few hours of grappling with this news, I realized that I was leaving Rob and taking with me our two daughters, Morgan and Siena. I was going to move to Utah to heal and get well-- physically and emotionally. After four years of being belittled and screamed at by Rob-- a mean alcoholic, there was no way I could heal in his presence. I couldn't even think divorce or anything else. All I could wrap my head around was: 1) I was sick. 2) I had to get away from Rob. And Rob's response? He screamed at me, called me a loser, lazy (because I went out on medical disability), stupid, a liar and a thief. Somehow, I doubt John Edwards said any of those things to Elizabeth.

When I received my official diagnosis and texted Rob to let him know, he wanted a copy of a letter from my doctor so he could use it to go out on FMLA from his job-- NOT to help take care of me or the children, but to have time for HIMSELF. He said it was to go to treatment for his alcoholism. But after hearing his promises of getting alcohol treatment for four solid years (and knowing that he had promised his last wife, Terri, to do the same for years), there was NO WAY I was going to let him use MY illness to get free vacation time so he could drink more, sleep more, watch movies, and fish. So I refused.

We moved from San Diego on January 13, 2012. I packed up as many clothes as possible in trash bags and we drove to Utah. I entered treatment at the Huntsman Center at the University of Utah in Salt Lake City just weeks later. My treatment plan would include two stem cell transplants and massive chemotherapy in the hopes of getting me into remission. Because of the aggressive nature of my particular disease, I had about a 35 percent chance of getting into remission, or even partial remission.

In addition to my diagnosis, I was in physical pain. Just weeks prior, Rob had grabbed me too hard around my waist and had broken one of my ribs. It hurt to do anything-- stand, sleep, shower, walk, breathe... And I was dangerously anemic to the point that they wanted to hospitalize me. When one is that anemic, the brain doesn't get enough oxygen and one's cognitive reasoning and retention skills are greatly compromised. I was getting blood transfusions and platelets every few days in an attempt to keep me out of the hospital.

But that's not all... I had two young children that I needed to get into new schools and get situated in a new state. Morgan, who was not quite 12 years old at the time, struggled the most. She missed her dad. Even though she knew Rob was mean and volatile, she still loved him. She missed her friends, her dogs, her room, San Diego... I mean, this was not a pretty move. I had no time to prep the girls for moving and having their entire lives disrupted. And they were so afraid for their mom. They saw me not feeling well and oftentimes I would have to reassure them that I wouldn't die, that things would be OK, and they cried a lot. Looking back, the first many months of 2012 were a Hell like few can imagine. My parents were angels-- they made room for three new tenants, helped pitch in with the caring of two young children, and made countless trips to Salt Lake to sit with me while I received treatment. I felt so inadequate, hopeless, scared, grateful... and ANGER at Bob-- anger that he could not be a support system for me. In fact, just the opposite. The text messages I received from him got worse and worse as he called me every name under the sun and screamed at me whenever he called.

...And, he started dating again IMMEDIATELY after we moved. And he taunted me with one woman he met. She was a former JD, she had MONEY, she had MONEY MONEY MONEY. And she wasn't lazy like me. She was Jewish and had MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY. He went on and on and on. WTF. So I did something really mature right back-- I told him I had had an affair while we were married. It wasn't true. I wanted to. I had every opportunity to do it. And I wish I had. But I didn't.

Back to John Edwards/Rob the Great (Alcoholic) comparison
So while John Edwards is a dick, Rob is meaner because:

1. Rob made fun of me during my illness.
2. Rob found a new girlfriend while he was still emailing/texting me that he wanted to support me.
3. Rob promised me and his family that he would get treatment for alcoholism. He didn't. Instead, he got a new girlfriend.
4. Rob called me a thief, liar, stupid and lazy.
5. He dropped the kids entirely. He has no contact with them at all because they are "too stressful" for him.
6. Rob threatened to cancel my health insurance.
7. Rob screamed at me that if I didn't send him money from my disability checks that he would throw all my belongings in the front yard.
8. Rob contacted his entire family and asked them not to have any contact with me (this during a time that I really needed all the love and support I could muster from anyone!). I'll get into this one later but one of his adult blood relatives (not one of his children) actually called and told me this and also told me how they all felt about Rob. That's a post all of its own.

At least John Edwards had the dignity to try and keep his affair with Elizabeth from her and he did support her through her treatments.

Where was Rob? Screwing a new girlfriend, drinking, and screaming at me.

Yep, Rob is a monster.