Renewal. What remarriages can offer children

There is no question that divorce is beyond difficult for children. In my case, even though my marriage was high conflict and abusive, filled with alcoholism and rage, it was still hard on the children. They loved their dad, though they both knew that it was a really terrible situation. Keeping them in that environment was irresponsible and it was one of the biggest reasons I left-- because I knew that if I stayed, they would learn some really bad life lessons on what relationships and marriages should look like. The thought of it was terrifying, actually. What if they ended up with a husband like the one I was married to? It was an intolerable idea.

Now when one remarries, it is a mixed bag. First, the children know that their dreams of their parents getting back together are over. And that is devastating. And then there is combining a new home, new expectations and parenting, new dynamics and traditions.

But it also offers HOPE and that is huge.

This weekend, William's daughters came down and stayed at the house. On Saturday night, William and I had date night. Morgan and Siena were home watching TV and William's daughters arrived while we were out. When we got home, we sat up and watched TV, all six of us on the couch. We were laughing, commenting on the show, and just hanging out. Morgan said, "This is some serious family bonding time." I could feel that she was, well, excited. Excited for the future, for a new family and step sisters and all of it.

On Sunday, we went to church and brunch, and later, we celebrated William's birthday with a house full of guests. It was simple and fun. And it brought me something powerful, too-- hope. Excited for the future. I've always dreamt of having a home filled with children, grandkids, boyfriends, dogs, and people around. Maybe we can achieve that. We don't have a dog yet, but we do have Princess our cat. And we are all subtly working on William about the dog.

It's called progress. And on this Monday morning, despite heat and sun and looming treatment on Wednesday and Thursday (infusions are so time consuming), I am excited for the future.

Road trip for this myeloma ends but this is JUST THE BEGINNING! Let's keep going!

We just got back from our road trip and it was a perfect 10. There is literally not ONE thing I would change about our trip. And so I wrote about this topic on Divorced Moms.

Just a quick update and I will retire this topic. After our Canadian trip, we headed back to William's daughter's house. For the next four days, we hung out with her awesome husband and their 15 month old daughter. We all fell in love with the whole family. Plus, their house is totally charming and adorable and I love it. They made us feel so comfortable and welcomed and at home.

We went everywhere in the city and beyond. Pike's twice where I spent a small fortune on sauces, marinades and spices, the big huge ferris wheel, the beach, awesome restaurants, outdoor markets and the Indian reservation where, between two families, we spent over $2,000 in fireworks-- no typo! Ryan (William's son in law) and Morgan stayed up the night prior until 1:00 AM setting up. The results were SPECTACULAR. The 4th of July was our favorite EVER. We started off by watching a parade on the Lake Sammamish while eating grilled corn on the cob, followed by a street party. We started setting of fireworks (no exaggeration here) at 2:30 in the afternoon and, without a break, ended at 12:30 AM. It was INSANE. We ate, played street football and ping pong and went pyro. The fireworks were just about as good as city fireworks, no lie. There were probably 75 people at the street party, and the food and libations were super yum. Please I want to move to Seattle now.










We are home for just a few more weeks and then we're off to Florida, South Carolina and Georgia for two weeks. Best yet, my best friends Julie and Shane are in Florida at the SAME TIME. We didn't even coordinate this but they fly into Orlando the day before we get there and we all fly home within an hour of each other! Guess who we are hanging out with? Hooray and I LOVE it when this happens (does this EVER happen)?

Myeloma SUCKS beyond belief but despite this HUGE limitation, I am so happy. Life is joyful, has so much purpose, and is FUN. Live, my dear readers, LIVE LIVE LIVE. Love. And find happiness. YES, no matter what happens in life, this is possible. And it is FAR BETTER than the alternative.

Much love,

Lizzy

Working mom guilt is crushing. But kids of working moms turn out great!

One more reason for the Mommy Wars to end. Seriously, the balancing act of career and children is hard. But at least the guilt over how your job is screwing up your children for a lifetime can end. I can attest that it is imperative that moms have a way of supporting themselves, even if they marry a great guy who can financially support them and the kids. Because you do not know what the future holds and you may end up needing to become the supporter. And if you're unable to do that, horrible days are ahead of you. Because living in poverty is no fun.

I am grateful that when I fled my marriage, I did not need my ex's money to live, nor to feed the kids. I could do that all on my own. So if you're a working mom you are a powerful, positive role model and the odds that your sons and daughters end up educated and self-supporting increase. And that's a good thing. Here is my latest article via Divorced Moms.

Working Moms: Your Children Will Be Fine! 
By Lizzy Smith                    

June 23, 2015

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As far back as I can remember, I knew I wanted a career. Not just a job, but I wanted to climb the corporate ladder, make good money, have a nice office, and even better job titles. I went to college, graduated, moved to Washington, DC on an internship on Capitol Hill, and then took my first (very low) paying job in an office environment. Like most every other entry level co-worker I knew, were all scraping by, working a second job on the weekends to help cover the cost of outrageous parking in the District, a professional wardrobe, pricey rent, and happy hour expenses. Still, it was an amazingly fun, growing experience. I met a ton of friends and did some cool things, like go to an official Inaugural Ball, attended many hearings in Congress, and even a reception on the South lawn of the White House.

A year later, I got a better job offer that actually included a livable wage. I had finally gotten on that corporate ladder and I started climbing it. I wore fun business suits every day, started traveling in my spare time, and then got married. Next stop was children.

With both of my daughters, I never stopped working. No gaps in employment, I was so happy about that. My resume was “perfect.” First, I didn’t feel I could afford to quit. Second, I got a lot of personal kudos from a job well done that I never got at home, and lastly, my identity was so tied to my ability to work and bring home an income, that I couldn’t fathom walking away from it.

…But the GUILT. My children, some told me, would be messed up in the head because I was too selfish by insisting I continue working fulltime. My priority was not motherhood, clearly, or I would make “better” choices. Truth was, my children both loved pre school and they were fine. I was the one who wasn’t doing so great. The balancing act is hard. I was exhausted, annoyed and pushed well beyond my breaking point. If I had help, like perhaps a sober husband who would pitch in (just a little), it would have made a huge difference. But in addition to taking care of my job, the kids, house, vacation house, all the bills, and much more, I had to care of my husband, too. Because caring for an alcoholic is almost a fulltime job in and of itself. Nonetheless, my children seemed ok. Should I have
felt guiltier than I did?

Apparently, the answer is a Big Fat No. According a recent study conducted by the Harvard Business School, daughters of working moms grow up to be more successful than their peers in the workforce. They are also more likely to be bosses, supervising other employees. This is actually fantastic news. How many additional studies point out that women who are divorced and have children are exponentially more likely to live beneath the poverty line? Yes, having earning power is critically important, especially if we have children. After all, it is our moral, ethical and legal responsibility to provide for them. With this in mind, consider this statistic: daughters of working moms earn 23 percent more than daughters of stay-at-home moms. That’s significant.

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My (very) happy Mother's Day. This Myeloma warrior takes nothing for granted

Today we celebrated Mother's Day and I am so blessed to be here, feeling good, hanging with my family, my children, my inspiring mother, and my fiancé. Despite living with and surviving myeloma, I am blessed, feeling terrific, and embracing every holiday and special day.

Honestly Mother's Day is a contrived day and I'm oftentimes uncomfortable with the whole Happy Mother's day thing, all you mother's are fabulous, and on and on. Not every mom is great, not everyone has a mom alive, and not everyone is a mother. This day brings great pain to many out there. Acknowledged. I get it. But everyone has had a mother and having a terrible mother is certainly one reason for many of society's ills. Not all, but many.


But let's stay positive. I feel so blessed to be a mom. It wasn't an easy journey. It started off with fertility drugs, a failed IVF, and eventually five trips to Russia to have my two girls. I love them so much that it aches. Today my nine-year old daughter wrote out a card. She said I'm as sweet as candy and smell as great as a rose. My heart melts. My 15-year old has given me a million hugs today. The best thing about being a mom? Feeling unconditional love. It is so pure, perfect and good.

I have a fabulous mom who leads by example. She is nurturing, gives of herself completely, and is honest, affectionate and loving. She is smart, speaks five languages, and is fascinating, cultured, well traveled and beautiful. She was there with me for my cancer diagnosis, helped me leave an alcoholic and abusive husband, allowed me to move into her home, held my hand throughout my entire illness, and helped raise my wounded, confused, and shell-shocked children through it all.


My fiancé gave me the best gift I could hope for. He shopped, prepped and cooked dinner. He entertained my family, cleaned up, and was an impeccable host.

And, lastly, I watched the season finale of House of Cards. Oh my, I'm buzzing at following perhaps the best show ever produced with some of the finest acting. So this isn't that important in the scheme of things but I can't stop thinking about it. If you aren't watching this superb show, you must. Oh.My.Gosh. I am totally obsessed.

I take nothing for granted, including being alive to enjoy another day surrounded by the people I love most.

Be happy, healthy and strong,

Lizzy

10 traits of a great mom

My latest via Divorced Moms. I have a long ways to go if I'm going to master these traits but that doesn't mean I'm not working on it.

Happy Mother's day,

Lizzy

10 Traits Of Great Moms
by Lizzy Smith                    

May 07, 2015

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Mother's Day is on my mind. My fiancé is hosting dinner at his house and we're chatting up menu and dessert. And I've been browsing shops for the perfect gift for my own amazing mother.

Not everyone is blessed with a great mom. And many don't have their moms with them. I know how lucky and blessed I am. My mother truly has given me a great example of what selflessness and unconditional love looks like. (It doesn't mean that it's rubbed off entirely on me. I am far less selfless than she is. I definitely have boundaries with my children that my mom never established with me.) My mom has placed her children's needs as her absolute number one priority. There has never been a day that I haven't been able to count on my mom, or to talk to her about any topic at any time of day or night. And when I was diagnosed with cancer in January 2012 and moved in with her and my dad, along with two children and a cat, she has been my angel. She and my dad were my caregivers through massive amounts of chemo and two stem cell transplants. They've helped raise my daughters. My mom was my number one supporter through my horrific divorce. And she is my best friend. There are no words for how much I love, respect and admire my mom.

When I graduated from college and started a career, motherhood wasn't even on my radar. I wasn't sure I liked babies all that much and, really, I was more focused on climbing the corporate ladder and traveling in my spare time. When I turned 31, I realized that I did want a child. My husband I and tried IVF and it didn't work.

Long story short, over the next several years, I ended up becoming a mom through the beautiful (yet difficult and expensive) process of adoption. I traveled to Russia four times to get my two daughters. The first was almost two years old when I became her mom. She was afraid of everything, timid and inquisitive. I would look at her when she slept and cry because she was so perfect. My second daughter was nearly three years old. She came into my life ready to take on the world-- fearless. They are my number one priority, the joys of my life. When I first heard the dreaded "you have cancer" words, my first reaction was "I have to beat this. I will not leave my daughters." They gave my fighting strength.

And now that I struggle every day with being a good mom, I wonder what I can do to be better. Since I'm certainly no expert, I asked them. And then I thought about the example of my own mom. And then I asked friends. What traits make up a fabulous mom? Here are the top 10 answers.

1. Trustworthy
My 14-year old daughter confides in me all the time. She needs to know that I'm not going to tell anyone else. I learned this the hard way. I used to share her stories with my husband and my parents. I don't do that anymore. When a child confides in you, it should be no different than if a friend does the same. Your child, regardless of age, needs to trust you. Earn it, keep it.

2. Gives great compliments
Build up your child. Who wants to constantly hear negative messages, like "you're not good at that" or "you look terrible today" or "why can't you do anything right." This is where I struggle. I am always nagging my children about their wardrobe choices and I really need to stop. In fact, I asked my teen what the most annoying thing I do as a mom. "Telling me how to dress," she said without hesitation. Ugh. It's ok to have minimal standards, like showering every day and not dressing like a hooker, but beyond that, this is probably not a hill we should die on. Children, just like dogs, thrive on positive attention, not punishment. The more you compliment and build up, the more they thrive. A good friend of mine who is also a doctor of psychology gave me great advice when I was a new mom. I was telling my little daughter not to pull the dog's hair. She suggested that instead, I rephrase that to "pet the dog gently, like this" and then demonstrate better behavior. (And a side note: Never put your children down to other people. And if you need to vent about your children, for goodness sakes, do it out of their earshot!!

3. Leads by example
Kids smell hypocrisy a mile away. Hypocrites generally have no credibility or respect from anyone, including children. If you want to raise honest children, be honest with them. Let them see you living an honest life. I you want to raise kind children, be kind to them and others around you. If you want smart children, read to them. Do your best to be a smart mom. You get the picture. I try to speak to my children the way I expect them to speak to me. If I'm yelling at them and calling them names, why would I expect they not reciprocate?

4. Is generous with hugs and kisses
Hugs and kisses go along way. My nine year old is always giving me hugs and telling me how much she loves me. She finally embarrassed me (she doesn't know this!) because I realized that she almost always beats me to the punch and that is just not ok. I vowed that I'll hug her every morning before she has the chance to make the gesture first. I also promised myself to tell her many times a day how much I love her. For my teen, this is even more important. The teen years are tough. Letting my daughter know how much I love her is critical. She needs to know I'm here for her always, no matter what.

5. Sets clearly defined expectations and consequences
Children must know what your expectations and rules are. Lay them out clearly. Write them down. Better yet, discuss rules and expectations with them and set those boundaries together. Hold them accountable when they fail, as they will. Have appropriate consequences for the crime. In fact, I sometimes ask my children how they should be held accountable. Not long ago, I shut off the data plan on my teen's phone for a week. It was an appropriate consequence. For my nine year old, I generally withhold allowance.

6. Listens, then listens some more
I read an article recently where the writer said that by the teen years, our children know our opinions on just about everything. By the time they're that age, stop telling them how you feel and instead, listen to them. Ask them open ended question and give them time to talk openly and honestly. Don't be critical and don't shut them down. Be respectful, ask why and how they feel a certain way, and acknowledge their opinions. The more we listen and establish a good relationship with them, the better off we'll all be. Conflict and strife in your household will be far better, I assure you.

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I should have dumped him sooner but I felt sorry for him

Today I am sitting in clinic getting Aridia (three hours) via IV, then Carfilzomib (30 minutes), a pregnancy test so I can get my Revlimid filled (so absurd that at 47 years old, Celgene still requires a monthly pregnancy test so they will dispense my medication), and having loads of time to write and blog and catch up on Facebook. This is day 2 of 3 days that I will spend in clinic THIS WEEK ALONE. Yesterday I was here for hours getting IVIG via IV to strengthen my immune system. My white blood cell counts are really low and I am sick all the dang time and I am so very tired of it. So this will hopefully help out. And then tomorrow, it's day 2 of Carfilzomib. This drug is administered via IV twice per week. This week, it's Thursday and Friday and each appointment takes about an hour minimum. Sigh. I'd rather be outside hiking the canyons. Or doing laundry.

Being a myeloma warrior is a very time consuming process. It's not painful, but side effects suck and the total fatigue of sitting for so many drugs, filling drug prescriptions, and taking them is making me a little crazy.

Anyway, interesting conversation with my extremely wise 14-year old daughter yesterday. She had a boyfriend for a few weeks. Having a boyfriend (at least for my daughter at this young age) means that the two of them see each other at school and basically everyone knows that they like each other most. They also text and Snapchat from home. I do not allow my daughter to go on real dates, not until she's older. Anyway, she decided for a myriad of reasons that she didn't want to be in a relationship anymore so she broke it off with him.

"I'm so mad at myself," she said yesterday in the car while we were driving to tutoring. "I never wanted to be in a relationship with him at all. He was just really nice and I felt sorry for him."

Oh, wow, the "sorry" thing. What a great teaching moment and I'm so happy we have the kind of mommy-daughter relationship in which she would confide in me at all. And I'd much rather her learn about this stuff at 14 years old than at 38 years old like I did.

"You must always put your best interests first, ESPECIALLY when it comes to boys," I said.

"Did you ever do this?" she asked.

Uh oh, this one wasn't a pretty answer. "Yes," I said. "With Daddy. I never loved him, I did like him because I didn't know about the alcohol. And he was really into me. I didn't want to hurt his feelings and break up with him, or even continue going out with him at all. And then look what happened, I married him. It didn't work so well."

My daughter, who loves her dad and misses him like crazy, said, "OK I don't want to talk about that anymore."

"I agree. I'm really sorry. But I always want to be truthful with you when you ask a question," I said.

Truth can be really hard to hear. Painful. Awful. So much easier to lie. But I simply won't do it. I won't offer up info that's awful, but if someone asks, I'm telling the truth. Always. It's that important with building character and trust.

Next question. "Have you ever really been in love with a guy?" she asked. Of course, I wouldn't be getting married again if I didn't love Bill. I loved David, and I loved Todd insane amounts, I said. I cried forever when it ended. It took me a good solid five years before I felt OK with that relationship's demise.

"Love is amazing when you find the right boy," I said. "It also hurts a lot sometimes. But it's worth it."

And then we moved on to another topic. I love being a mom sometimes.

Packing for Argentina, and saying NO MORE HOMEWORK via Divorced Moms

As much as I LOVE to travel, I HATE to pack! Since we leave for Buenos Aires on Monday, I can't put it off much longer. So today I am doing laundry and Sunday I'm packing. I can't believe our Big Trip is just a few days away! We have all our travel booked and I think we are ready. We even have an appointment at the Brazilian consulate in Buenos Aires in our attempt to get a fast Visa so we can tour the Brazilian side of Iguazu Falls. If that fails, we'll spend a rest day hanging out at the pool at our beautiful hotel instead and just see the Argentinian side of the falls.

Anyhoo... here is my latest via Divorced Moms. Enjoy! And happy Friday. Have a fabulous weekend, my dearest readers.

Best, Lizzy

NO MORE HOMEWORK! Putting My Foot Down & Recapture (Some) Sanity
by Lizzy Smith                    

February 27, 2015

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Before I even get started on this one, let me say that few things are more important to me than education and raising smart, intellectually curious, inquisitive children. And I really like my daughter's teacher. She is interesting, well traveled, and vivacious. But... last night, I had a nearly one hour chat with her and it got rather heated at one point. I told her that my nine-year old daughter and I were simply not doing all the homework she brings home every day anymore. Starting right now. I finally put my foot down. Giver her an F if you must, but this is too much for her.

…Here’s the background:

At just nine-years old (third grade), my daughter averages over two hours per night of homework and it’s not enough. She struggles with reading and what we ought to be doing is concentrating on that. But we can’t because the homework packet, which must be turned in every Friday, takes precedence. So she comes home and before I barely say hello, we open up her backpack and start powering through writing her spelling words four times, alphabetizing them, dividing them into syllables, writing sentences with them, reviewing her site word list, writing paragraphs, doing math pages… And that’s just the beginning. After two hours of this, there is simply no time or energy left to read, yet she’s supposed to read over an hour per night. Um… three plus hours of homework? For a nine year old?

Add to that, I signed her up for private tutoring for her reading issues. So that’s another half hour of school work. It is endless and she doesn’t have the emotional or mental capacity to spend a day in school and then come home and do hours more of homework. And neither do I. We are burned out, stressed out, annoyed and miserable.

What about time to talk, eat dinner together, cook together, or play and rest? Nope, there’s the homework packet. Most every day after school, she has swim lessons, which last about an hour. Do we sacrifice anything fun or physically good for her so we can sit in a home and write more sentences?

The final straw was a few weeks ago when my daughter brought home a packet for a project that all third graders were supposed to do. Pick an important historical person, read three books, look up at least one additional article on the Internet, write a report, memorize it to present in front of the class, do a poster and dress up as that person. And yet no mounds of the traditional homework were eased up in order to make room for this new, time-intensive project.

I was done. I talked it over with my daughter and we decided that we weren’t doing it. We had zero capacity to add anything else to our full plate. She would get an F and, at third grade, I didn’t care one iota. I cared more about her mental sanity, concentrating on her reading, and letting everything else go. Learning to prioritize at nine-years old is not a bad concept to teach. We also decided that from here going forward, we would read 40 minutes per night and then work for another 30 minutes on homework and stop. If she turned in incomplete homework packets, oh well.

I sent her teacher a text. “Thanks for the packet for a new assignment. Sounds interesting but we are declining. We are drowning and can’t take on any more work.”

Her teacher called me last night. “You want me to excuse Siena from this project but no other student?”

“You don’t need to excuse her. I’m simply letting you know we aren’t doing it. You can give her an F,” I said.

She was not happy. She doubted that we really spent as much time working on homework as I claimed. She asked me to go day-by-day on her homework list, which I did. She couldn’t argue with that. Do some teachers really not understand how much time it takes to get the work they pile on completed?

“Well maybe she shouldn’t be in after school activities,” she said.

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The vanishing dad. Telling my girls 10 things so they won't forget him

Morgan posted this photo of her and her dad. She was so little then-- just nine years old. She loved to play with the lobsters Rob would get from the ocean during opening lobster weekend. Here we were at San Elijo Beach, California. Rob decided to vanish from the girls' lives during our divorce. I wrote about it in today's Divorced Moms column. Here is the excerpt.

Parenting Broken Hearted Children. Memories of the Vanishing Dad
by Lizzy Smith                    

February 17, 2015

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My nine-year old daughter, Siena, and I just finished reading the book Because of Winn-Dixie. What a beautiful story, we absolutely loved it. Opal, the main character, is abandoned by her mother, who was an alcoholic. Opal doesn't remember much of her and she finally gets the courage to ask her dad to tell her 10 things about her mother. He does and she writes them down and memorizes them so she won't forget them. As we were reading this section of the book, Siena started talking about her dad. "I haven't seen or talked to Daddy in a long time," she said.

"I know," I responded. My ex-husband, Rob the Great (Alcoholic) abandoned the two girls when we split because it was all too stressful for him. It broke my heart then and, as I watch them struggle with their feelings of him, it hurts even more now.

A few months ago, 14-year old Morgan texted her dad and Rob didn't bother responding. "Why does he hate me?" she said in tears. "What did I do to him that he doesn't ever even want to talk to me?"
What could I say? I hugged her. "You've done nothing wrong. It's him. We will never understand what goes on in his alcoholic head. I can't change him, no one can. And I am so sorry."

So, like Opal's dad in Because of Winn-Dixie, when Siena asked that I tell her and Morgan ten things about their dad so they don't completely forget him, I did. And here they are:

1. He loved the ocean. There was really nothing that brought Rob joy like going fishing, diving or boating. The ocean was his happy place and perhaps the only time I ever saw him at peace. He took Morgan on a few fishing trips. One such trip was a charter for two nights. It freaked me out because there was a major storm expected and I also knew that Rob would probably be drinking like a fish (pun intended) and I feared for her physical safety. Nonetheless, the two of them went and had a great time. Morgan still talks about that trip. Rob often came home with lobsters that were still alive and the girls would play with them before Rob cleaned them and we ate them for dinner.

But the stories aren't always positive. One evening, I picked up Siena from after-school care and she had a horrible red and bleeding eye. Turns out, she injured it at school and I needed to take her to urgent care immediately. It was awful and scary. I started calling Rob because I needed help with picking up Morgan, getting prescriptions filled, walking the dogs, and getting the children food for dinner. He was supposed to be at an AA meeting. I called him again and again and again and there was no answer. I started getting worried. Where was he? Finally, he showed up at almost 9:30 at night. He wasn't at his AA meeting, he had gone out diving and stopped by his favorite drinking establishment, The San Diego Brewing Company and was quite inebriated, sucking on a mint to hide the smell of alcohol. Oh the mints! It was my sure-fire way to know that he had been drinking.

2. He loved Disneyland, Universal Studios, Knotts and Sea World. Rob is like a big kid. He loves amusement parks and anything that kids generally like. Part of our household budget involved saving money for a yearly Disneyland trip that was really pricey because we stayed at the Disneyland Hotel and went all out on food and fun. One year, he secured lunch for us at an exclusive restaurant at the park, Club 33, through his employer, the local utility company. Our lunch for three adults and two children without alcohol was $750. It was crazy. We also had annual passes to Sea World, Knotts and Universal Studios.

3. He loved family Jacuzzi nights. Those evenings when we sat in our Jacuzzi threw my entire schedule off. I had it all down to the minute-- homework, walk dogs, make and eat dinner, help with homework, baths, dry hair, reading time, snack time, tuck kids into bed and read them a story, prayers, clean the kitchen. And when Rob would say, "Get your swimsuits on. It's family Jacuzzi night!" my heart sank because it meant that either homework or bedtime didn't happen, which totally stressed me out. But Rob never worried about things like that and he accused me of being boring, which I suppose I was. He definitely had the pleasure principle down to a science. I often envied his "who cares" attitude in life. The house is a mess. Who cares? The kids need help with homework. Who cares? We have a budget to live within. Who cares? I cared about everything, he worried about nothing (except when he would be getting his next drink).

4. He loved the San Diego Brewing Company. I hated that place. It was where Rob went to get drunk with his "friends." The food was disgusting but the girls loved it because the bartender and cocktail waitresses were so nice to them. Siena still talks about it.

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When your new guy molests your daughter. Meet "Diane"

I'm struggling these days with much of Mormon culture that I am surrounded by every day. While the story I share via Divorced Moms today happens all over the world, across religious and non-religious cultures, the concept that "marriage makes one whole" is drilled into children's heads every single day. To the point that it's just over-the-top, if you ask me. I don't know that if different concepts were taught, the story below would be different, because many people will sacrifice ANYTHING for a relationship. But I do know this: There are worse things than being divorced. Being single can be fabulous. Being in a great relationship is the best thing ever. But... being married, or being in a relationship, just for the sake of not being alone is... well, it's tragic.

Anyway, read and weep.

Her New Husband Molested Her Daughter- And The Signs Were There
by Lizzy Smith                     

February 02, 2015

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"Diane" was a single mom raising her four-year old daughter, "Lola." Two years ago, Diane met "Bruce" via an online dating website. She fell instantly in love and she told me about him in one giddy coloring session after the next. You see, Diane was my hair stylist. Bruce was two years older than Diane and he had two daughters that were around Lola's age. He was recently divorced and lived with his parents almost two hours away. It was a match made in heaven.

A few weeks after their first meeting, it was Diane's birthday and she gathered all her friends and family and we all met for dinner at a local restaurant. It's the first time I met Bruce. I sat next to a mutual friend and we both commented that our initial impressions of Bruce was that he was either gay or something was "off."

"He might be giving Diane loads of sex but I think he's fantasizing about other men during the act," our mutual friend said. I laughed... but I agreed with her. Something wasn't right but, hey, if Diane was happy, good for her.

Because Bruce and Diane lived so far apart, being together almost every day was getting rather difficult. Within two months, Bruce found a new job and moved in with Diane into Diane's parents' basement. I thought it was way too fast to move a guy in with her, a guy she hardly knew, when her young daughter was in the bedroom next to her. And I was even more surprised that Diane's parents, who are very conservative and religious, allowed it. But it wasn't my decision so I kept my mouth shut (not always an easy task for me).

Several weeks later, I went in for my hair appointment and Diane shared with me the terrible events of the week prior. Bruce's younger sister, who was 15-years old, told a school therapist that Bruce had molested her and had tried to rape her more than once. Bruce was arrested at her parents' home and had posted bail. His parents loaned him $10,000 to pay for the upcoming legal fees and he hired an attorney.

"I just don't believe he did it," Diane said. "His sister has been having problems for a long time and she's a liar."

I stopped her. "Or she has problems because her brother has been molesting and assaulting her. If she is a liar, and you don't know that she is, maybe there's a good reason for it."

"Bruce's mom and dad don't know what to think but now we can't even go to their house!" she lamented. "And his ex-wife doesn't want Bruce to have unsupervised visits with his daughters. She's filed for full custody and for Bruce to have only supervised visits. She's such a bitch."

"First, Bruce's ex-wife doesn't sound like a bitch to me. She sounds like a wise, cautious mom. Second, Diane, you are new to this family. You have no idea their dynamics. Hopefully he didn't do it but you have no idea. The fact is, you have a young daughter and it is your responsibility as her mother to put your new love interest aside and focus on her. What if it's true? You can't allow Bruce around Lola. You have to protect her. If Lola's dad finds out, he'll file for custody of Lola and he could win. Are you ok with that?"

She wasn't happy with me.

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Love Notes

The best and most important part of my life is being a mom. These two girls are the loves of my life. They are so fun and amazing people. I love them so much that it sometimes hurts. I look at them when they sleep sometimes and I cry. How God entrusted me to raise these girls I will never know. I am flawed but I do my best. This morning, Siena gave me a letter that she wrote for me while I was in San Francisco. I read it and, after I was done trying to decipher some of it and stopped laughing, I gave her the biggest hug. She has such a huge heart. Anyway, here it is.



It reads (I've corrected spelling where necessary):

Dear Mommy,
I love you so much and you are the best mom that a girl could have. You are so pretty. You are one of the nicest moms in the world. You are one of the best people who let nine year old girls do things other kids don't get to do. You are one of the sweetest moms in the world. You are like the star on the Christmas tree, just more pretty. You are like the most prettiest moms and humans in the world. Love Siena

Ok, melt my heart already! She is seriously so dang funny.

The other "lovely" message I heard was at the ASH conference. Several of us from Myeloma Crowd went to dinner with several top myeloma doctors. The topic of myeloma research and progress came up. While myeloma gets tiny funding and is an orphan disease, it has experienced more progress than just about any other disease in the past several years. Why is that? Because amazing doctors are committed, and aggressively pursuing better treatments and, yes, a cure! That's a lot of love for myeloma, and to those doctors, a huge shoutout! Thank you! Keep going, faster, faster, FASTER!

And talk about love-- my parents are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary this month! Tomorrow, we are hosting their party. Details of that one next week.

I am sitting here at my infusion appointment at Huntsman this morning. This is a long one, because I'm getting Aridia. It's ok that I'm here for, like, four hours because I bring my trusty laptop and write. And I'm surrounded by my angels, my nurses, who are amazing and I adore. Not a bad way to ring in the holidays.

God Bless, Lizzy

Interview with my eight year old

I just posted an article to Divorced Moms in which I interviewed my teen daughter. Not to be upstaged by her older sister, I also interviewed my eight year old daughter. I am posting that interview here. Siena is one amazing child. She is funny, smart, has the memory of an elephant, and incredibly perceptive. Interviewing her was very fun. It took us forever to get through the questions because we just started talking about all kinds of things and we got sidetracked. Siena is quite the chatterbox. Anyway, here goes:

Lizzy: What do you think is really fashionable?
Siena: A tank top, cute shorts, and a fashion sweatshirt.

Lizzy: What is your curfew and should you have one?
Siena: 8:30 is my curfew and I don't think I should have one on the weekends.

Lizzy: What is the coolest thing about your life?
Siena: Having the best mom in the world. And Morgan my sister. Being able to see my grandpa and grandma every day. And I've been to a lot of places and trips.

Lizzy: What are the best places you've ever been?
Siena: Estonia, Paris, and Russia. I also love going to Long Beach. I want to go to Julie and Shane's house right now!

Lizzy: What do you and your friends talk about the most?
Siena: Play dates

Lizzy: Where is your favorite place to go shopping?
Siena: Justice

Lizzy: What is the biggest issue facing girls your age?
Siena: Meanies. Fighting with my sister.

Lizzy: If you could change one thing about your life what would it be?
Siena: To be skinnier (ugh! already????). To have a dream house with eight levels: one for an art room, a gymnastic room, an elevator, piano room, a TV room, a soccer room to play with Morgan and a reading room.

Lizzy: If you hit the lottery and one ten million dollars, what would you buy?
Siena: A pink car, a car for my mom, and give everyone in my family $100.

Lizzy: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be?
Siena: Toys R Us

Lizzy: What's the hardest thing you've ever had to cope with?
Siena: Falling on the treadmill and getting hurt.

Lizzy: What would you like to say to bullies?
Siena: Stop it or I will tell my mom.

Lizzy: How many selfies do you take a day?
Siena: 50 because I like to be silly.

Lizzy: What would you like to tell moms about girls your age?
Siena: We are smart and talented and if you pay attention you will see it. My talent is hoola hooping.

Lizzy: How do you think moms can be better moms?
Siena: Get off your phones!

Lizzy: What is the worse punishment you've ever had?
Siena: I've never had a punishment from my mom. (cute, so not true but so sweet that she said that_

2 more Divorced Moms columns are published!

I am writing a lot more often these days on Divorced Moms! Here are two of the most recent. Enjoy!

Dear Lizzy: What Did I Do Wrong? 10 Mistakes On a First Date

By Lizzy Smith                   

March 19, 2014

Dear Lizzy,
I met a guy for dinner and I really like him. But he’s gone silent on me. I’ve called and texted him but he hasn’t responded. I noticed he’s still on the dating sites and “active within the past 24 hours.” I don’t know what went wrong. The only thing I can think of is that during our dinner, I got a phone call from another guy I’ve been dating casually. I don’t even like him that much but I answered and gave him my home address. When my date said, “Oh, lots of other men, huh?” I thought it was good that he know he had competition, right? So I told him that I can have any guy I want so he better not slack. I was joking and surely he knew it. We both laughed and the rest of the date went great. He even kissed me goodnight. What should I do? I think I’m going to drop by his work and drop off some of my famous cookies. Thoughts?
J
Dear J,
Yikes! Do not take him cookies to work! You cannot become a crazy stalker under any circumstance.

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5 Bedtime Routines To Calm the Frazzled Mom

By Lizzy Smith                   

March 17, 2014

My favorite time of the entire day is right before I go to bed. I love that solace time. Quiet. Peaceful. Mine. Sometimes I blog or do a little online shopping. I research and plan upcoming trips because I love to travel (in less than three months, we’re flying to Venice!). I take long baths and read. Or lately, I’ve been catching up on past episodes of House of Cards (I’m so addicted). My biggest complaint is that there is rarely enough time to enjoy it for very long before I fall asleep.

When I first became a mom, I let my daughter stay up far too late. Bedtime was sometimes eleven o’clock at night, which meant I had zero time to myself. When I adjusted her bedtime to something more reasonable, it was wonderful. For the first time, we had a more controlled evening, a nicer bedtime routine, and I had time to unwind for myself. She slept better and so did I. There was no turning back. With a second daughter in the picture, I stuck even more rigidly to routine. Because around nine o’clock at night, I was (am!) totally done with being a mom.

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