The kids are not alright

When I met Rob and we raced forward with our relationship, I was concerned about Morgan, my daughter who was seven years old at the time and in first grade. Was she alright with my dating? Post my divorce, I had dated two men: David and Todd. She knew David well and we spent a lot of time with him and his two daughters who were Morgan's age. We even traveled together. But beyond a simple hug, she never saw us be affectionate and she knew David simply as Mommy's friend. Morgan never met Todd.

After several months, I told Morgan that Mommy was dating Rob. At first, she thought it really weird and then she got used to it. When Rob and I decided to buy the new house and told her that Rob and I were getting married, she was ecstatic. In the few months Rob and I had dated, Rob and Morgan became very close. She loved him and she went to school and told her teacher that "My mom and I are getting married to Rob!" And she quickly called him Daddy. They were very close and Morgan loved to do all the things that Rob did-- diving off a boat, fishing, playing with lobsters and did fish, you name it. And I know that Rob loved Morgan.

Rob's two daughters Kalie and Nicole? Well that was a very different story. First, Rob told me that his girls were fine with his dating again. He and Terri had separated in July, six months prior, and Terri had a new boyfriend and everyone had moved on. Of course, that wasn't true. Terri had just moved out of their home a few weeks prior to our meeting and his girls were in deep emotional pain. In my defense, I had no idea. Completely clueless, I was or trust me, I would never in a million years have started dating this man.

The first time I met Nicole, Rob's oldest daughter, my first impression was that she was a very troubled girl. While she was pretty, I could tell in a second that she was smoking pot and probably doing other drugs. At one time, she had been a very good student but currently was barely making it through her classes, often ditching classes, smoking a lot of pot, and had some very questionable "friends." Nicole and her mom were not on good terms and Nicole was refusing to go to her mom's house for her weeks of custody. Rob said that Terri didn't like Nicole. They both told me of one story in which Terri had confiscated Nicole's phone. They were at Albertsons, the local grocery store, and had run into Terri, who had followed them both up and down isles trying to tell Rob that she had received many text messages on Nicole's phone in which the texter was trying to arrange drug buys with her. Rob thought it funny and blew it off. The result was that Rob no longer encouraged Nicole to go to her mother's house at all and she was living fulltime with Rob.

By the time we moved into our new home, Nicole had a new boyfriend, Tim. Tim was a nice enough boy but he, like Nicole, was going through some major issues. They spent hours and hours at the new house swimming, making out and nearly having sex in our loft, sleeping, going out and partying, and asking Rob for money, which he dutifully handed over.

Right away, I was already starting to get upset about that scenario. I demanded that we put some rules in the house because this was not working for me. No boys upstairs. Period. No making out in front of a seven year old child. No having sex in the house. No drugs EVER. All agreed.

One day shortly after moving into our new house, Nicole screamed at Bob: "I hate this house! I never wanted to move here. I want my old house. You never even asked!"

I was floored. She wasn't happy? She now had a big new house, a bigger room, a pool, central A/C, a better neighborhood. I thought all the kids should be thrilled, right? Stupid, clueless, gullible me.

And there that was Kalie. I really liked Kalie from Day One. She seemed kind, thoughtful, intuitive, smart and savvy. Initially, according to Rob, she told her dad she was fine with him dating but, really, what is a child supposed to say?

After Rob and I got engaged but before we moved into the house, Rob, Morgan, Kalie and I went to my BFF's Julie and Shane's for the weekend. While Rob disappeared to find a bar and drink, Kalie and I went shopping to look for a dress for our wedding. We found a beautiful one that looked amazing on her at Ann Taylor. It was a little pricey at $250 but I bought it for her anyway. I told her if we found something we liked better, we could always return it.

Rob flipped out and demanded we return the dress. Kalie was really upset. I think the dress signified something significant for her: something beautiful in the face of ugliness, and when she wore it, she felt pretty and hopeful. That set Rob and Kalie on a collision course. Kalie was sometimes openly hostile to her dad. Rob blew it off. "Kalie and I are tight. You just wait and see. She'll soon understand that her dad is the only one who can help her be successful in life and that her mom's a loser."

And so he started badmouthing Terri in front of Kalie like you can't believe. And there I was, going right along with it.

We'd hear things like: Your mom doesn't have enough money to pay for that house she rented. Without me, she'd have nothing because I'm the one with the money and she still depends on me. Her budget doesn't work out. Her job is stupid. I could've gotten her a better paying job at the company (they worked for the same place) but she's just too lazy.

I, who earned a substantial living and truly was self sufficient, would hear about her income and expenses and would be baffled. Wow, how was she going to pay those bills? And, truth be told, I was pissed off. Thanks to Rob's ex wife, I was the one writing check after check trying to cover these enormous expenses. I was literally drowning and the more horrible stories about this woman that I heard, the angrier and more frustrated I became.

It wasn't long before Rob and Kalie got in a huge fight in which Rob threw her cell phone in the pool, Terri came to pick up Kalie from our house, they called the police on Rob, and Kalie and Rob didn't speak for a few months. I've already covered that event in this blog so I won't rehash it here.

"The kids are fine!" Rob told me when I brought up the chaos going on in our home.

No,Rob, your kids are not alright.

And our wedding date kept getting closer and closer.

Validation (or "One of us is crazy. Is it me???")

Pretty much every abuser puts his victim down endlessly. My ex husband, Rob the Great (Alcoholic) was no different. (If you're new to my blog, I call my ex Rob the Great because he constantly told me what a "great guy" he was and how he had so much to offer and, really, I should be so happy that I had a guy like him in my life.) He told me things like: without him, I wouldn't have a job; my job was in the dumbest part of the company; I couldn't survive a power outage without him; he was the best dad ever and our children liked him more than they liked me; I wasn't fun like he was; he made so much money and was so successful; if I left him, he'd find another girlfriend in a second because there were so many women out there looking for a great guy like him and, really, I had nothing but baggage and I would have a really hard time; he was so incredibly honest.

When we got in fights, he'd remind me of all of his wonderful qualities. When I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma and fled our home and moved to Utah to enter treatment, the endless horrible texts and emails were incredible. I would read them or forward them to friends so they could see it for themselves because, really, it was hard to believe (Rob comes across as a really nice, sweet, helpful guy until you get to know him).

And then I got this email from Rob:

From: Rob
To: Lizzy
Subject: This is YOU baby!!!!

Everyone in my life hates you and is glad you're gone. Nicole can't believe that you took the girls after I started all over and agreed to raise kids again. The girls love me and miss their dad and I'll tell them it's your fault, baby, that they were taken away from their loving dad. Kalie hates you. She is getting so much more from me now that you're gone. If you think she's being helpful by telling you anything, it's all lies. She's so glad you're gone. When we go to court the room will be filled with everyone supporting me. My mom, Kalie, Nicole, Chris, Joanie, Aussie Mark, Kevin. The landlords are on my side. Even the woman at the Marriott thought you were really weird. So, baby, you just get better and can't wait to see you in court with all my friends ready to testify that I'm a great guy and you're a crazy, lying thieving nutjob. Have a great day!!!!!

A few email exchanges later, I sent Rob an email reminding him about the time in which Kalie told him, sobbing, that if he drank again during the weeks she lived with him, that she would move out and not come back. And then he drank in front of her a few days later and Kalie, true to her word, stopped living with him, decreasing his custody from 50-50 to 90-10.

Rob responded with this:  It never happened!! You're a LIAR and Kalie is going to write a letter saying it never happened!!!

Clearly, one of us is crazy. After a while, I started wondering if I was the crazy one and not Rob. I needed validation.

Immediately after getting this email, I contacted our landlords. "I'm sorry to hear that you're on Rob's side. Can you tell me what that means, exactly?" I asked. He was baffled. "On Rob's side? We don't have enough information to be on either side and we're just the landlords. That said, we hear you are sick and we pray you'll recover soon. We both like you very much and are so sorry."

Next, I sent Kevin a text message. Kevin is a friend of Rob's who coached Morgan in soccer for several years and was our Realtor in San Diego. "Hi Kevin. I hear you plan on going to court to testify on what a great guy Rob is and how crazy I am. I am sorry to hear that and wish you all the best. You know how much I struggled with Rob's drinking because you and I discussed it. I want you to know I never lied or exaggerated. I survived hell, escaped it, and am now sick." Kevin responded immediately. "I would never go to court to say anything bad about you! I know how much you struggled and I have not one thing bad to say about you. I don't know why Rob would put words in my mouth like that."

I then contacted the Marriott Residence Inn in La Jolla. I knew that Rob lied about this one. The girls and I stayed at that property three times over the years when Rob and I got into an argument and I needed to seek refuge somewhere. Each time, the stays were for one night and after checking in, we quietly retreated to our room, had breakfast the next morning, and left. I forwarded the email to the manager and talked with him many times. He interviewed every front desk manager at the property and told me that no one has any idea what Rob was talking about, nor would anyone ever give that kind of feedback.

Several months ago, I talked to Kalie, Rob's younger daughter. I told her that if there was anything in this blog that she found untruthful or hurtful to her or her mother, I would remove it. "No," she said. "Every single word is true and don't change a thing."

There was no need to contact anyone in Rob's family after I got the call from one of them. I've written about it in this blog but on that call, this family member told me that they all knew Rob was an alcoholic and needed help and they were incredibly disappointed that instead of getting help, he was simply acquiring a new girlfriend.

But the coup de grace was this email. It came to me several months ago via email. Someone had stumbled on my blog and sent me a private email. I've changed a few words and names so as to keep this person's identity private.

Lizzy,

I know [a woman who knows Bob well] and that's how I know Bob. Even though he's nice and helpful enough, I always thought there was something off about him. Several in our circle thought the same. Of course we won't tell [our friend] this because we don't want to get in the middle of it. One night I did a Google search and found your blog. Wow what a story! I cried when I was done reading. Everything confirms what I thought but couldn't quite put my finger on. He's an alcoholic. I am so sorry you went through that and I worry about [my friend]. I am hopeful she'll figure it out before it's too late. Stay strong, Lizzy! You are an inspiration of strength and resilience. What comes around goes around. Some day Bob will feel the pain that he has caused you, your children and his first family. I'll be praying for your health and full recovery.

That email came at such a perfect time-- a time when I was having panic attacks about my health and future. As bad as I feel for any woman who gets involved with Rob, it is no longer me. I was so relieved that I was no longer the one listening to his screaming fits and pathetic excuses for his behavior. I was no longer his enabler. Instead of getting help for his disease, Rob finds a new honey. I was that new honey but no more. Sad that someone else becomes the "distraction" but at least it's no longer me. Let someone else help Rob teach his children that marriages are so unimportant that when one ends, just hop right back into another. That, really, is a "great" message to teach your children (if you want them to have unhealthy relationships themselves, anyway). Let someone else be Rob's cover. I was done.

Validation was necessary. A reality. Fact check. No, I wasn't the crazy one.

Beginning treatment, fleeing my alcoholic husband, and moving (simultaneously)

When I was diagnosed, my parents were with me. Dr Raja was kind, positive and upbeat. After weeks of terror and fear, getting the diagnosis was actually a relief. I also left that appointment with, like, 20 prescriptions of medication. I was told that I was starting a work-up for a stem cell transplant. Before this diagnosis, I basically wasn't taking an aspirin. Going from that mindset to dumping all kinds of toxins into my body was scary.

One of the medications I started taking was a combo of dexamethasone and Revlimid. My bone marrow showed over 90% of myeloma cells, which put me at a Stage III. The dex-Rev combo would help start killing myeloma cells immediately. Over the next several weeks, I began to feel the effects of dex and it was awful. My voice changed to this rough tone. I became weak and dizzy with a racing heart. I felt so weird, like I was floating. I didn't think right. I was tired but wired at the same time. Morning were awful. I would walk a few steps and need to sit down to stop my racing heart. I felt horrible all the time.

The night of my diagnosis, I sat down with the girls individually and explained that I had a tough blood disorder, that it wouldn't kill me, but I had some big treatments ahead and I needed the help of Grandpa and Grandma because Daddy couldn't be counted on. I also told them we were moving to Utah. Siena was fine with it, like it was the most natural thing in the world. Morgan not so much. She cried. She was incredulous. She understood. It broke my heart that we were in a situation where, when I got sick, I couldn't depend on my husband. Oh, no, the thought of going through tough treatments and fighting for my life with Rob was revolting. Even in "good" times, Rob couldn't be counted on. In anything that smelled of challenging, Rob became an even more hateful and evil and agressive drunk. I learned that firsthand earlier in the year. I got pregnant and miscarried twice in 2011 and both times and through two D&Cs, Rob was awful-- drunk, mean and most unhelpful. This would be far worse.

Here is one particularly telling email that I got from Rob:

From: Rob
To: Lizzy Smilez
Sent: Saturday, January 14, 2012 6:07 PM
Subject: Re: Re:

Had my liver tested to be able to use antibuse, it's in great shape. how cool is that!

 

 

-----------------------

 

Nice, huh? Here I was, newly diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma and one of the biggest dangers of the disease was total liver and/or kidney failure, and this email was just disgusting and disturbing. Here's another exchange...
 

----------------------

From: Rob
Sent: Monday, January 16, 2012 02:42 PM
To: 'lizzysmilez@gmail.com>
Subject: Re: Sundance Meadows Customer Receipt/Purchase Confirmation
And if you think kalie is being supportive by perhaps telling you I'm at the brew co all the time, she's not. To have you out of her life, she thinks she also gains quite a bit. So, for your info., I can't drink alcahol, I'm on antibuse. I had to get non alcohol shaving cream, anti persprent and rethink everything I do as it's a huge deal. I did this for me as I need time to think clearly now without the fog. And yes, I am soul searching, if I wasn't, I'd have gone legal by now.  If you think there is a way we can ever be together, to work together without any negative family influence I can do that too.

From: Rob
Sent: Monday, January 16, 2012 02:10 PM
To: 'lizzysmilez
Subject: Re: Sundance Meadows Customer Receipt/Purchase Confirmation
And still, I'm at the door knocking as I feel god brought us together for more than a learning experience. Let me know if you will except my help, if not, I will be on my way Liz. And I am a real good guy, just beant to do a lot in life because of my own doing with not speaking out. And drank to get through it all. But we bith know that there has to be a new direction for us both and we can do it together as a team

From: lizzysmilez
Sent: Monday, January 16, 2012 01:58 PM
To: Rob
Subject: Re: Sundance Meadows Customer Receipt/Purchase Confirmation

I need a village, you're right. In San Diego, I have nothing and no one, least of all you. Your behavior frightens me and our relationship is horrible and volatile. The only time we function somewhat normally is on a vacation. Normal riggors of family life leave you angry, agitated, and desparate and I hate it. In san diego, I don't have your support and with the exception of kalie (big surprise) your family is absent.

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

 

-------------------------

 

And so it was that on a Saturday morning, looped up on all kinds of scary medications, I threw clothes in trash bags, loaded up the girls and cat, and started driving to Utah. Fleeing was a more accurate word for it. And along the way, text after text after text came in from Rob. Incredulous that I was leaving. Begging me to come back. Threatening to cancel my health insurance. Telling me I was a thief and liar. It was shocking and horrible. I couldn't drive away fast enough.

 

The only thing "good" I can say about those horrible and bizarre texts and emails was that it distracted me from the really important things that were going on-- namely my fight for life. I didn't even cry once about leaving Rob. I was numb and shocked and horrified.

 

Think about it...

 

But think about it... Here I was, hearing the dreaded and devastating news that I had CANCER, leaving my abusive alcoholic husband, and moving to another state, all at the same time. Oh, and taking two young children with me who were grappling with the fact that their parents were splitting, that they were having to move to a new school and make new friends, that they would never live with their dad again... All of these things ALONE are HUGE but try doing it ALL TOGETHER AT ONCE is really unimaginable! Traumatic and scary and devastating doesn't even begin to describe it.

 

I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Looking back, I don't know how we did it.

Let's here from Rob directly (a mea culpa)

And here we hear from Rob directly. This email was sent to me and my parents.

From: Rob
Sent: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 7:26 AM
To: Lizzy, Keith, Jackie
Subject:

 

Good morning Liz, Keith, and Jackie,

I hope in the near future, I can see you all so I can personally apologize to you for my actions.

I don’t know what the future brings, however I do know that my actions the last couple of weeks and at other times in the past, were not those of a good husband, partner, father, nor step son.

I now understand that you all identified major problems with the way I was trying to deal with the new news that was progressing, and like I tend to do, went to my unhealthy way to deal with it as I often do (not always) with stressful situations. I really did not know how to deal with the news as it was something you never think can happen to you. There was a lot running through my head and all I could not settle it. I will do better if allowed back to help.

What I’m trying to say is, although initially, I was not too happy about the decision that was made to leave with the kids, but now know it was the best decision. I know the move has been very impactive to all, including the kids, and I apologize as it was primarily based on my actions.

I know Liz, by contacting my work, and a lot of folks I know was only trying to help. I am taking serious steps on my side to get better, more than ever to ensure that in whatever next step I take in the future, they are good ones so the past negatives can fade away. There is no magic pill and it won’t be easy for me.

Keith and Jackie, we all need to get strong and by you taking Liz to Utah, it will help both of us to gain strength. As I started with, I really don’t know what the future brings, but know that both Liz and I are where we have to be at the moment to get strong one day at a time.

Please download the attachment and read both care notes. They both are reflective across any illness. They meant something to me when I read them, you may get something out of them as well.

Take care and have a great day, Thanks Rob

 

Hmmm... John Edwards (like Rob) just might be an alcoholic!

 

"Rob" the Great (Alcoholic) and John Edwards share so many traits it's scary. For starters, they both crapped on their wive's heads when they got cancer. John Edwards fathered a child with his girlfriend when his wife was in remission; Rob got a new honey before his wife's ribs healed that he himself broke (not to mention spit in her face on the day of her bone scan and called her a thief, liar, lazy and a drama queen).

Anyhooo, here's the latest on John Edwards: http://radaronline.com/exclusives/2013/03/john-edwards-rushed-to-hospital-with-heart-attack-scare-doc-warns-stop-drinking-or-die-claims-report/

I'M NOT AN ACOHOLIC!!!!

In September 2011, Rob started his typical screaming/tirade episode at me. Again. It was so old and every time I heard that high pitched falsetto voice it was just pathetic and stupid and revolting. And he said something to me that really did shock me for once.

"I'M NOT AN ALCHOLIC!" he screamed like a shrill woman. "I talked to my alcohol counselor and I'm not even an alcoholic!"

OK, so that did floor me. I was speechless for once. I said, "Well, Rob, if you tell me you're an alcoholic, I'm going to believe you're an alcoholic."

"I ONLY SAID THAT TO TRY AND SAVE THE MARRIAGE. I'M NOT AN ALCOHOLIC!!!!" I'm telling you that NO ONE can scream like Rob. The thing is, only a few of us have had the pleasure of hearing that ridiculous and shocking pitch. I swear, I wish I had it on recording because no one would believe it. And you'd laugh after the shock wore off because it is just plain stupid.

So we had a couple's counseling session with his alcohol therapist at Kaiser. Except, as usual, Rob didn't show up. Just me. This is a typical Rob pattern. He'll get into going to therapy, AA, a diet, you name it. And quit. The only thing constant with Rob is his job at SDG&E (which, by the way, is no different than working at the DMV or post office), drinking, and diving/fishing. Oh, and SCREAMING. In fact, when Nicole was younger and Rob and Terri were still married, she got very sick and was in the hospital. Rob said that Terri abandoned Nicole completely and became besties with their daughter, Kalie, and ignored Nicole. Rob and Nicole bonded and he is the one who did all the counseling sessions with her while his skanky (his words) wife went out and partied, took Kalie out shopping, and hooked up with other men. Except that wasn't exactly true. Rob, after a few weeks, stopped going to Nicole's therapy sessions because he had to work late. Except he wasn't at work-- he was drinking at the San Diego Brewing Company instead. (Kind of like when I had a miscarriage and was lying in bed bleeding and cramping. Rob wasn't at work then either-- he was drinking at the San Diego Brewing Company.) But I went to therapy and met with his counselor.

"Rob tells me you say he's not an alcoholic. Well, whatever he is or isn't-- I will tell you he has a drinking problem. It materially changes his personality and it's a big problem in our marriage and it was a huge problem in his last marriage," I told her.

"Wait a minute," she jumped it. "I did NOT tell Rob he isn't an alcoholic. Rob is an alcoholic."

"But he told me you told him that he wasn't," I stammered.

"That's not what I said. Just because he can go days without drinking, or even go on the wagon for a few months, doesn't make him NOT an alcoholic. It makes him a dry alcoholic. It drives everything he does. Every decision he makes."

"But why would he tell me that?" I asked.

"Because alcoholics lie. And Rob is no exception."

Yes, alcoholics do lie. It's the pathology of their disease. I felt so stupid and duped. I knew he lied. He lied to me about his drinking, where he was, what he was doing. He lied to others about everything and I'd bight my tongue so as not to embarrass anyone. He embarrassed me around others when we had had too much to drink.

I'll never forget the time that we invited our next door neighbors over to dinner. Justin was the assistant basketball coach at SDSU. Rob proceeded to down wine like there was no tomorrow. When there was an audience, Rob was a happy drunk. Slap happy, silly, talkative. Stupid. This was no exception. He rambled on and on. He said stupid things. He wouldn't shut up. I could watch Ruth (Justin's fiancé) and Justin exchanging funny looks. I wanted to crawl under the table. When they left, I walked them to the door. Ruth said, "Your husband is funny."

"Oh, yes he is," I said in a sarcastic voice.

She gave me a big hug. "It's ok. Are you ok?" she whispered.

I nodded my head. I couldn't speak because if I did, I knew I'd start crying.

I'll never forget the time that Kalie was on rotation and was staying the week at our house. Kalie and Rob got in a huge fight and she ran up to her room and slammed the door. I could hear her sobbing. I went up to her room and knocked on the door. She invited me in. I sat on her bed and she started unloading on me.

"He drinks every day. He is at the BrewCo every day drinking," she sobbed.

"What? No he's not," I said.

"You don't know that?" Kalie looked at me like I was crazy. "You can't tell? Because I can! I can see it in his eyes. They are glassy and watery. And he has mints in his mouth to hide the smell. You don't know this?"

I shook my head. "No," I whispered.

Rob didn't like Kalie and I talking about him one tiny bit so he showed up. "What's going on?" he asked, standing in the doorway.

Kalie started yelling at him. "If you keep drinking, I'm leaving. I will not stay in this house with you drinking anymore. I hate it!"

"Ok," Rob said.

Well, two days later, Rob took us to dinner at -- guess where? -- the BrewCo! And he ordered a drink in front of Kalie. I almost fell out of my chair. When we left, I said, "Why did you do that?"

"That will be the day I let a kid dictate what I do. I'm the adult, not her."

And a few days later, Kalie called Rob up and said she wasn't going to be living with him any longer. A few months later, Rob was in court with Terri and Rob lost custody of Kalie. His custody went from 50-50 to 90-10. Nice job. But, no, Rob isn't an alcoholic!

Not long after that, Rob decided to go on the wagon and go to AA. One day, Rob was supposed to go to an AA meeting after work. I was picking up Siena from pre school and I got a call from Nicole telling me her dad wasn't at AA, he was at the BrewCo because her boyfriend, Tristan, had called her to tell her he saw her dad pulling into the parking lot. "He needs to decide what's more important- his family or drinking for once," Nicole said.

So I drove by the BrewCo. I couldn't see his car. I pulled around the back and, sure enough, there it was. He had parked his car so I couldn't readily see it. Instead of being at an AA meeting, he was drinking. So I walked in. "Hi, hope that drink is worth your marriage." And I walked out.

Rob came home SCREAMING at me. "You FUCKED the whole football team in college. How dare you call me out on drinking," he SCREAMED like a shrill woman.

"Bob, the kids are in the house. They can hear you."

"I don't give a FUCK you FUCKING WHORE. HIT ME!! HIT ME!!" he screamed. He had me backed up into a corner.

"Back off, Rob. You're drunk!" I yelled back.

"Hit me! Hit me! You FUCKING WHORE! HIT ME!"

So I slapped him. Hard. He backed up. I went to his closet and started throwing clothes on the floor. I was shaking. "You have to move out. I hate you. Oh my God. I hate you. Go!"

And he did. He moved in with his mover for two weeks. I was giddy happy he was gone. For two days I wouldn't answer his calls, respond to his texts, or answer his emails. I went silent and it was heaven. I didn't love him. I never did. His behavior was revolting. He made me ill. I finally got a call from his mom, Peggy, and I answered.

"Are you going to divorce Rob?"

"I can't live like this anymore, Peggy! This isn't right. He needs help. He is a monster when he was drinking. And this was a huge problem in his last marriage," I said.

She then sent an email to all us adults- me, Rob, Chris, Joanie, Kathy, and Alec about alcoholism and how her step dad was an alcoholic and how horrible it was. Rob entered treatment. Chris sent an email back not happy about it. I let Rob come home. I was sick about it though. I did it to save the marriage, for my faith and hope in family and home and marriage. But I didn't want him home. It was not good for me when he came home. And he didn't drink (to my knowledge) for three solid weeks. I went with him to a few AA meetings. I went to Alanon. I learned that alcoholics accuse their significant others of being controlling. Well, Rob accused me of being a control freak.

Honestly, I tried the whole gamut. I allowed him to drink. I drank with him. I didn't drink with him. I forbade alcohol in the home. I allowed it in the home. I stopped saying anything either way. I stopped stalking him at the BrewCo. I detached. And the more I detached, the angrier he got about that. I just stopped caring. I grew to resent him. He was pathetic to me. He screamed at me. The more detached I got, the more he tore me down: I didn't make as much money as he did. I couldn't handle life without him. I was lucky to have him. He was the GREATEST dad in the whole wide world. I was lazy. Blah blah blah.

When we moved from our house into a smaller home, I was cleaning out the garage and found countless mini bottles of vodka. Pathetic. But, no, Bob Stolberg the Great was no alcoholic. He was a great guy. A great dad. And great amazing human being. He was AWESOME!