Hate your guy's ex-wfie? Zip it. Like, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT & SMILE

My latest via Divorced Moms. Happy Labor Day! May you all get a respite from life and enjoy.

Why Hating On The Ex-Wife Is A Really Bad Idea
by Lizzy Smith                    

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September 02, 2015

Not long ago, I went to family court for a personal matter. As I sat waiting for my name to be called, a woman and, obviously, her husband were sitting several seats away from me. At first, I paid no attention to them but then it became impossible to ignore them. The wife, who appeared to be in her mid-thirties, was laughing and giggling loudly. I tried to be as inconspicuous as I could as I glanced over. I watched her body language, intrigued and horrified at the same time, as she rolled her eyes and made loud sighs. Her husband, though not as loud as she was, laughed along with her. This was family court where some very serious issues were being discussed and decided. What could possibly be so funny, I wondered. I looked around the room and, sure enough, there was a woman about the same age sitting quietly with her attorney. Every now and then, they would look back at the raucous behind them.
When it was their turn, I listened intently. And sitting next to me, the newby wife was (very loudly) opining: “She is so stupid!” she said. “Oh my gosh, so dumb. Liar.” I wanted to slap her. What kind of kudos did she think she was making with the judge, I wondered. She was making a total ass of herself (and her husband).

Before the judge, “Dick” sounded like, well, a dick. In this Mormon community that I live in, he was demanding that his ex-wife live a strict Mormon lifestyle in her home. That meant, according to Dick, that she could not have alcohol in her home, not drink coffee in front of the kids, never allow the children to miss a church service or attend another church, have daily scripture study of the Book of Mormon, and ensure that 10 percent of children’s allowance be tithed to the church. If she failed, he wanted full physical custody with their children’s mother only receiving supervised visits. He also alleged child abuse and neglect and much more.

The more Dick’s attorney spoke and the opposing counsel responded, I could not fathom being married to such a control freak. And yet his new wife was sitting next to me making an utter scene.
Finally the judge spoke up. “Excuse me, but if you cannot control yourself, I will have you removed from the courthouse,” she said. Finally, silence. But not until she rolled her eyes (I kid you not). The judge, by the way, turned down every motion made by Dick and ordered he pay his ex-wife’s (substantial) attorney fees.

I couldn’t help myself. I followed the ex-wife (let’s call her Lola) out of the courtroom. “I feel so sorry for you. I can’t imagine what you have to put up with and your ex-husband. And his wife’s behavior was totally inappropriate. I’ve never seen anything like that.”

“That’s ok,” Lola said. “She’s been married to him for one year. She will soon find out exactly who he is.” We exchanged phone numbers and went out to lunch two weeks later where I got an earful. Turns out the new wife and Dick dated for all of three months before marrying. What did she really know about anything?

Last week, Lola called me. The wife, “Dana”, texted her earlier that day. She and Dick were splitting up. She apologized for her horrifically abusive behavior towards Lola and her part in making a bad situation far worse. “I believed everything awful he said about you. I was wrong.”

Since then, Lola and Dana have met up. They’re becoming “friends” because Lola knows Dick better than Dana does. And she also knows how awful their divorce will likely become.

“How many times did he promise you that he would enter therapy and get better?” Dana asked Lola.

“More times than I can count and, of course, it never happened,” Lola told her. “Watch out. He is a very sick, evil and bad person. Do not trust a thing he says or does. Watch your back. He is dangerous.”

A long family friend, Kim, experienced something similar. She married her husband and had two sons with him. Hubby was a total asshole and cheated on her from day one. Finally he got another woman pregnant and left her and moved in with the new girlfriend. Kim was devastated. Her husband was happily living with the woman of his dreams, welcoming a daughter into the picture, and she was alone. The “happy” union with girlfriend lasted a year before she got “the call.” Turns out, Asshole was cheating on her, too, and she had kicked him out. Kim and the girlfriend became fast friends, and they still are to this day, some ten years later.

Wow, imagine that, a guy not changing for his new love.

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How to make & maintain friendships? Be the perfect host!

I took my children to their first day of school this morning. I am so sad that summer is over! Where did it go? Now we are back to structured bedtimes and drop-offs, tutoring schedules, soccer practice and games, cheer practices and competitions, endless homework packets... I am so not ready! I don't think my daughters are either but it's time to slap on that happy face and let's do it and make it THE BEST YEAR EVER.


Morgan enters high school (in Utah, it's three years, not four). She went with a friend and let's hope it all turns out fabulously. It's quite strange, to be honest, my tiny little girl now older and hanging out with friends, getting in their cars and driving up the canyons for star gazing. And much more... A week ago, I went to the basement to find three girls and five boys hanging out. William told Morgan this was all allowed with some rules so they were all fine. Still, hello, when did this happen? And she is driving with her driver's permit. Yikes. Time flies. Last Friday, she went to a high school football game. William and I showed up and found her sitting in the stands. "Morgan, hi!" we shouted, waving. "We love you!" She seriously wanted to crawl under the bench. We thought it highly funny.


And then there's Siena who is growing like a weed. She is just an inch shorter than her sister and they now wear the same size shoe. Dear heavens. And if you hear her speak, you'd think she was 30 years old. This morning while eating breakfast I quizzed her about our summer. "If your teacher asks you what you did this summer, what will you say?" She stared at me blankly. Oy vey. "Ok, let's start with the five new states you visited. Go!" After some coaching, she got it right: Oregon, Washington, Florida, Georgia and South Carolina. "What new country?" She got that one right-- Canada. And what are some of the fun things we did? "Hid from wild alligators, swam in a lake in Canada, watched fun street performers in Victoria, went up the big ferris wheel in Seattle and watched them throw fish at each other, did fireworks all day on 4th of July, went to the slavemart, hung out with Julie and Shane and caught frogs at the lake, went surfing, and went to Disneyworld. Oh, we went swimming a lot and stayed in a haunted mansion in Savannah.... Wow, not bad!

Here is my latest on Divorced Moms. This is how you make and maintain friends. Or at least one way! Enjoy.

Lizzy


Becoming The Perfect Host (A Fab Way Of Keeping Friends)
by Lizzy Smith                    

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August 17, 2015

As divorced moms, more than ever, we need friends and support structures. And that can mean reconnecting with, or making sure we stay connected to, people we love. Whether a few miles away or in another country, having friends means that we aren't lonely and that we have all kinds of social options for keeping the blues at bay.

 

I've never taken my friends and family for granted. And once I got sick and split from my abusive husband, those ties became more important than ever. In the throws of illness, sadness and chaos, I began to fully realize how many people loved and supported me. There were times that I was seriously blown away by the outpouring of love and support I received from others. I became almost obsessed with becoming the best friend, daughter, sister or neighbor I could be. I wanted to make sure that I gave back that love.

 

I also reconnected with those I had lost touch with. One such example was my former colleague, Stephanie. We worked together some 15 years ago. We reconnected on Facebook and weeks later, she sent me a message announcing that her employer was relocating her to Buenos Aires and she could tell from my posts that I loved to travel. She invited me to visit. Really? Days later, my fiancé and I purchased plane tickets and the next thing you know, Stephanie and I were catching up in person in South America. On that same trip, we took the ferry to Montevideo, Uruguay and stayed with my aunt and uncle for several days. We just got back from Florida where my future sister and brother-in-law hosted us in their beautiful home in Jacksonville. And then there was Seattle hanging with Cristina and Ryan… I could give more examples, but you get the point.

 

I love having friends spread out around the globe and when I get invites to visit, I rarely say no. Not only do I get to save money on our travels, but I love reconnecting with people I love. One of my favorite trips ever was a week in Paris just blocks from the Yves St Laurent flagship store and a personal tour guide.

 

And then there are the invites to barbecues, pool parties, and dinners. Getting out and being social is the best pick-me-up I could ever fathom.

 

In my recent experiences (and there have been many), I have noticed some universal traits of really great hosts, which I try to emulate when I have visitors in my own home. Becoming a great host is an art form and it takes practice. It means making your guests feel comfortable, welcomed, and well taken care of. Anticipating their needs and even incorporating great conversation skills are essential.

As I get ready to host some big gatherings over the next few months, I’ve started running through what my hosts have done to make me feel so welcomed. Here they are:

1. Give your overnight guests a private (and clean) space of their own
   Even if you must relocate your children to a shared bedroom for a few days, or the basement, give your guests a quiet, clean, private space to call their own. Put fresh linens on the bed and pillows, and straighten up. If possible, and if your guests are staying for more than a night or two, try and clear up closet and drawer space for them so they can unpack.
2. Stock up the bathroom
   Make sure there is shampoo and hair conditioner, and fresh soap in the shower. Put out fresh soap (or fill the soap decanter) at the bathroom sink. Put out clean towels and washcloths for them to use. It also makes sense to keep extra toothbrushes, toothpaste and other bathroom necessities in case they forget theirs. These don’t need to cost a lot of money—go to the Dollar Store and pick up a pack of four toothbrushes for (you guessed it) under a dollar for the set. Always make sure there is extra toilet paper that is easy to find and bathroom air freshener.
3. Stock the fridge
   I don’t think it’s necessary to spend a ton of money but it is important to have some basics, like coffee and cream, fresh fruit and cereal, and snack items. When your guests arrive, show them the fridge and make them feel comfortable helping themselves.

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Exploring the Southern USA. Southern charm, cooking and ghosts

Yesterday, we left Orlando, the girls and I. We stopped in Jacksonville for an hour to meet up with Bill's sister-in-law for lunch and continued on to Savannah, Georgia. I've never been outside of the Atlanta airport so this is my first time to Georgia. Oh my gosh, we fell in LOVE with Savannah. We walked the historic district, took a ghost tour, and ate delicious Southern food and drank sweetened ice tea as only Southerners know how to make it. Today we explored some more and went to the cemetery. And we sampled peach cookies.


We just pulled into Charleston, South Carolina (I've never been outside of the Charleston airport so this is another state I get to add to my list-- I think I'm up to 40 states now and the girls at about 24 states). We stopped at a plantation and also got some Southern barbecue.


Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, makes me feel more alive than traveling or exploring something new. I am not exaggerating-- you can burn almost everything I own (minus my Stuart Weitzman sandals and apple green Kate Spade bag) because I could care less about "things." Sure, I love cute clothes and great shoes and bags make me swoon. But I can't take any of it with me. I can, however, take with me my brain, experiences and relationships-- and that is all that matters. I don't care about careers and more items and shopping. I do love to buy magnets from everywhere I go and put them on a bulletin board so I never need forget my travels. I love to buy fabulous local sauces and spices because I love great, unique and delicious food. The rest? BURN IT. But you can't take my memories or experiences from me. You can have my possessions, though.


And that is what makes traveling so fabulous. The girls and I can bond and talk and learn. Together. On our ride up, we talked Southern hospitality and charm, the Bible belt, counted the number of churches we found (almost more than Mormon churches in Utah county), and Civil War sites. We visited a plantation and talked ghosts. I hope I'm raising daughters whose thirst for knowledge and experiences never wane. I hope they understand that the world and this country are big and vast and amazing, that not everyone lives or believes or eats the same way, and that they have choices in life. I don't expect them to make my same choices (gosh I hope not) or even pick my same Mormon religion (not that I EVER picked Mormonism, that one was handed to me at birth). I hope they appreciate the world and people and options. I know I do.


Cancer is awful. I wish I didn't have it and could be cured and never need to hear or think about the awful, dreaded C word again. But I have never had such a zest and appreciation for life since that diagnosis. I can't LIVE and experience enough since then. I am obsessed and I have no intention of curbing it.


The big house and career I once had? HATED IT. The vacation house? It was meaningless. The furniture and great towels and serving pieces and all the other things I was so busy acquiring? Don't care. Pointless. But every single trip I've had, every museum I've visited (from a doll museum in Manan, Idaho to Peterhoff in St Petersburg, Russia), every local cuisine I've sampled? It means EVERYTHING and I wouldn't change a thing. They're helping change and shape my heart and head and soul.


And with that, we are going to brave the rain and explore downtown Charleston. I've told the girls that they WILL sample grilled alligator this evening, and okra. Maybe even some pralines. Yum!

Greetings From Orlando

I have heard (not verified it though) that Orlando is the number 1 tourist destination in the world. If this is true, I am so sad! Let's see.... Orlando or London? Orlando or Iguazu Falls, Brazil? Nonetheless, here we are, staying in a lovely hotel just steps from Disney World, where Mickey is everywhere.

Our trip to Flordia should be a fun one.

First, my best friends Julie and Shane are here, too. We hung out with them last night.

Second, my aunt and uncle from Uruguay are coming in a few days.

Third, William will be joining us in a week. I really miss my guy. I am so grateful to have a happy, healthy, peaceful and respectful relationship. I have lived the opposite, a life of sadness, chaos, high conflict, confusion and utter frustration. I am so lucky!

We have not been to Disney yet, we will do that next week. Tomorrow, we are going to Savanah, Georgia and then up to Charleston, South Carolina. Why? Because I haven't been there yet, and neither have my daughters. I love exploring everywhere and any where so why not this part of the country? (I have been to Florida several times in the past, including Orlando but I have never been to Disney World. I suppose we must, right? I mean, RIGHT?)

Travel is expensive but I cannot think of one trip I have ever regretted. It is worth every penny and then some. I could happily burn just about everything I own and just travel, live, experience, and surround myself by amazing people that I love. I'm working on that one!

I am doing well physically. I was incredibly tired and fatigued the last few days, thanks to the awful Dex crash but who can complain? I mean, I could really complain but what is the point? We flew red eye, picked up our car, came to the hotel and went directly out to the pool where the girls fell asleep and I got a poolside one hour pedi and massage. If I'm going to be tired, I'm still going to make the most out of it. It is hot and humid. And I am blessed.

Cheers!

Lizzy

Morgan's words: Her reunion with her dad and step sisters (first time in over THREE years!)

I love writing happy stories. I love even better when my children write happy stories. Here's the latest from Morgan. This one is published on Divorced Moms. Enjoy!

Stories From A Teen: Reunifying With My Dad (Finally!)
by Lizzy Smith                    

July 29, 2015

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I have written many times about my ex cutting off all contact with the children about six months after our split. His excuse to me? They were too stressful. His excuse to his family? He was afraid I would sue him for more child support. Either excuse is shocking and horrific. Nonetheless, last weekend, 15-year old Morgan flew to San Diego for a few days to visit her step-sister, Kellie. It turned out to be a joyous reunion with her other step-sister, Nicky, and her dad! Next up, he’s invited both Morgan and her younger sister, Siena, to come back any time for a visit. A new direction? I hope so! Let’s hear from Morgan all the details…


Reunifying With My Dad & Sisters!
By Morgan Nielsen (15 years old)

I was laughing so hard I was crying. It wasn’t because of what my sisters said, it was because we couldn’t take a single good picture of the three of us. We were in the movie theater waiting for the movie to start and my sister, Nicky, wanted to get a good picture. As she tries, she keeps moving her phone and they were all coming out blurry. We did this about five times. We took 15 pictures and only got one that was ok enough to post on Facebook and Instagram. These little moments can mean so much because you look back later and say, “Wow were dumb but it was a great day.”

I will never let me forget this important weekend, where I had the opportunity to go to San Diego to go see my two sisters and my dad. It was so amazing to see them because I missed them so much. It has been over three years since we have spent time together because my mom, younger sister and I left my dad and moved to Utah when my mom got sick. So this was amazing. Some of the things we did together was go to the beach, a movie, a Padres baseball game, and we had Sunday family dinner before I flew home (my first flights alone!). We also went shopping.

When I left for San Diego, the only thing I knew for sure is that my sister, Kellie, would pick me up and we would meet my older sister, Nicky, for dinner. The rest was kind of a great surprise.
The first thing we did when I got off the plane was go to dinner and a movie. Dinner was really nice because that is where we caught up and talked. It was funny because we ate at a restaurant called Stacked and they don’t wait on you—we ordered on an IPad and then the server brings out your food. Kellie ordered a drink and the guy came like a minute later. It was cool but surprising. After the movie I went home with Kellie and she gave me her bed to sleep in. It was so comfortable and I was so tired and I fell asleep right away. I was so happy!

The next morning we woke up and went down to the beach to meet up Nicky at a coffee shop on the beach that she works at. She made me an iced caramel macchiato, yum! A couple of minutes after I got my drink my dad showed up with his two dogs. I was so happy to see him I ran up to him and gave him a big hug. It was the first time I had talked to him or seen him in over three years. I missed him so much. I Kellie and my dad decided to go to dog beach to walk his two dogs, Ollie and Bullet. I missed the beach so much. It reminded me of my prior life before my parents’ split because we used to go at least once a week. Walking with my dad and sister seemed so normal. It was weird but it seemed like almost no time had passed. That night I went to the Padres baseball game with Kellie and Nicky. They won and after the game Nelly preformed and it was cool.

On Sunday we went back to the beach. As it turns out, we walked past an ear piercing shop and I decided I wanted to get my cartilage pierced, just like Kellie. I knew my mom would never go for it but I called and asked anyway. After she thought about it, she said yes, that she wanted this weekend to be the best ever and it would be a token memory. I couldn’t believe it!

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I LOVE summer! Divorced Mom column: How to have the perfect road trip

Summer is THE BEST! Here are tips for creating a perfect road trip (from my experience). I wrote about it on Divorced Moms. Heat aside, make it great!

Road Trip! Summer Is A Perfect Time To Hit The Road
by Lizzy Smith        

July 02, 2015

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It's been a long time since I have planned a road trip. For one, I'm not a fan of sitting in a car for very long. And second, how to keep children entertained for long stretches? I'm not just referring to the four-hour drive to grandma's house, a place you have already been many times. You get in the car and race to your destination as quickly as possible. That is not a true road trip. Rather, I am describing a leisurely drive to somewhere new, where the entire point of the drive is to discover and explore points along the way. Now that is a road trip, and one in which you ought to consider planning for you and the kiddos. In fact, I am on a road trip as I write this article and you know what? It has been fabulous.

We left home a week ago and drove from Salt Lake City to Seattle. This is a 13-hour drive but we divided it in half, spending the first night in the adorable town of Pendleton, Oregon. The next day, we took our time making our way into the city. We stopped at Snoqualmie Falls and hiked down to the waterfalls. It was really hot but the cool water that awaited us was more than worth it. We got lunch in town, one of the most picturesque places on the planet. We stopped at a raspberry farm and picked our own fresh fruit and purchased locally-produced marinades and dressings. Discovery is so fun.

The next day, we took a ferry to Victoria, Canada (thank goodness I remembered to bring our passports). We spent the next two days meandering the beautiful city, walking around Butchart Gardens, and eating grilled corn on the cob and organic fresh lemonade. We napped, went swimming, and watched street performers well into the evening. The weather was spectacular.

Next stop was Vancouver for a day, then on to Harrison Hot Springs, located right on the edge of a pristine lake. We soaked in hot springs and went for long walks.

For the next five days, we are in Seattle before heading home. We haven't been bored, nor have we done too much. It's been a near perfect trip so far and the kids haven't once complained. While they are well traveled, they have never been to the Pacific Northwest or Canada, so this is a very new experience for them.

Road trips are great for bonding, which is just what the doctor ordered. There are fewer distractions and it's a fantastic time to talk. And it's possible to build a perfect trip around almost any budget or timeframe. Here are tips that have made this road trip so great for us. I think they are mostly universal so here goes:

1. Build time
Build in extra time during your trip so you feel free to pull over when you see something interesting. Three years ago, we drove from Salt Lake City to Denver. On our way back, we could see phenomenal red rock formations off the side of the road near Moab. "Mom, let's stop!" my then 12-year old daughter said. This was not our plan but without thinking, I quickly pulled off at the exit and called Priceline, securing what I believe was the last hotel room available in the town. That evening, we walked the main street and got dinner. The next day, we hiked the Arches. it was one of the most amazing places I've ever been. What a shame if we had missed it in favor of racing home. Plan extra time in your road trip to stop at places along the way. You never know where a road trip might take you, and that is a great thing.

2. Be flexible
Allow for your plans to change at the last minute. Try not to over schedule your trip so you can't explore the unexpected if you want. You never know-- you may love a place so much that you aren't ready to leave as scheduled. With a road trip, this should be perfectly ok.

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In most failed relationships, the RED FLAGS were there all along

My latest via Divorced Moms. Enjoy!

I Smell A Rat. Looking For (Obvious) Red Flags in Mr Wonderful
by Lizzy Smith                    

July 07, 2015

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Some divorce stories leave me scratching my head wondering why the heck she married the guy in the first place. (Not to say I haven't made some mistakes that were real whoppers, but I digress.) Some marriage mistakes are so incredibly avoidable that there is no other explanation than gullibility and, well, desperation. Here's the latest.

"Kim" is in the middle of a divorce and is very sad and disappointed with her ex. You see, he was a con-man in the literal sense. Like, he had another family several hours away that she didn't know existed. And she saw no warning signs. The guy was so kind and loving, he was faithful in his Mormon religion, and was just "perfect." Even her Bishop said the marriage (and subsequent divorce) wasn't her fault and she never could have known he was a fraud. So there you have it.

Wait a minute, I thought, no warning signs at all? I had to probe further because I found that very hard to believe. I wrote to her:

Question: If he had another family, I'm assuming he would disappear for days and weeks at a time. Where did he tell you he was?
Answer: He worked really weird hours in construction, one month on and one month off.  He left town to go work and he was really tired so he didn't call during his work months.
Red Flag: Thanks to cell phones, there is no reason whatsoever not to be calling and at least texting someone unless you're on a plane. If this isn't a red flag, I don't know what is. Think about it-- are you ever truly SO BUSY that you can't find a way to contact your children for an entire MONTH? Even in some of the most remote regions of the world, I've been able to text and email. If your guy disappears like this, run away and fast.

Question: Did he have a Facebook account and were you friends? Did you have access to his phone?
Answer: He didn't do Facebook so no. And I never looked at his phone.
Red Flag: Wow, from a guy you are going to marry and you can't have access to his phone?

Question: How do you know he was religious?
Answer: Because he told me.
Red Flag: Oh, ok... No observation here, I see. He probably also told her he was honest, too, and she believed it.

Question: Did you ever do a background check? Where was he living, did he own a home, did he own the car he was driving? Did you look at his driver's license?
Answer: I did look at his driver's license and his last name was spelled differently but I didn't catch it. I don't do background checks because you should trust the man you are falling in love with.
Red Flag: Oy vey.

Question: Did you meet his family and friends, co-workers, neighbors?
Answer: He said his parents had died in a car accident. He had a friend in our city and that is the only person I met.
Red Flag: Double oy vey.

Question: How long did you date before getting married?
Answer: Six months. He really pushed the wedding, not me!

 

And here is the kicker: She had young children at home and they had never really met the guy before she married him and they couldn't stand him from the get-go. And for the next two years that Kim and hubby were married, he never deposited a check from his job (he really didn't have one), let her touch his phone, or contribute to household expenses in any meaningful way. He was also "so" religious that their views on how to run a home or raise children were dramatic. He was strict and pious with everyone, including her children. (Can we say DISASTER loud enough?)

I am honestly not sure where to go with this other than it is so incredibly, well, shocking. Here is my take:

First, if a guy is an asshole to your children, he needs to go. Like immediately. Know that before you get married!

Second: She dated the guy for six months and never gave her children the chance to meet him before she moved him into her home? Wow. Like, so WOW that it borders on irresponsible.

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