How bad can life with an addict get? REALLY bad

Another former blog post that I shined up and posted on Divorced Moms. Being married to the wrong guy is horrific. Telling these stories help other women recognize abuse and, hopefully, give them strength to leave. Save yourself at all cost. Here is one very real and very disturbing story of how bad it can get. There are men who lack a conscience. And finding that man and, God forbid, getting in a relationship with him, is tragic. I wouldn't wish my hell, or "Lynn's" hell, on anyone. Please, if this is you, get HELP. LEAVE. You can't put up with bullying, abusive behavior. And your children should NEVER see this kind of pattern because they very way emulate it.


Lizzy


Some "Men" Kick Women When They're Already (Figuratively) Down

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September 11, 2015

When someone is already down, what should you do? Help them up? At least ignore them? Or, if you're a monster, you might keep kicking them. In fact, there are some people out there (and thank goodness it's not the norm) who think that it's perfectly fine to not just continue kicking, but to maybe jump on their head and spit on them, too.


Such is the story of Robby and Lynn. Lynn was one of my best friends growing up. She stayed in our hometown, married her high school boyfriend, Robby, and they had four kids together. Robby and Lynn's life was far from happy. Robby became an alcoholic and drug addict and, as you can imagine, chaos ruled the day. Finally, after years of abuse, Lynn divorced Robby.


Five months after her diagnosis of stage IV pancreatic cancer, I drove to our hometown to see Lynn and I knew it would be the last time I would see her. Lynn looked healthy. One would never know the horrible treatments she was going through. That's what's tricky about second-guessing someone who is fighting cancer-- sometimes they look as sick as they are, and sometimes not. With Lynn, most of her hair was still intact and she looked fantastic. Behind that façade, her cancer was raging and growing by the minute. We had a great visit and I cried every time I was out of Lynn's presence. During one of our talks, Lynn told me that she knew that her marriage to Robby had made her sick. Robby's abuse had slowly poisoned her soul and her body. Yes, how well I can relate.


Because Lynn didn't have a lot of money, many people in our small town came to her aid. Rusty's, a saloon in town, hosted a fundraiser for Lynn. That night, while Lynn was at the event, Robby showed up drunk and started screaming at her. Another time, Robby called Lynn and told her that she deserved to get cancer because she had divorced him. Shocking, disgusting, immoral and evil.
Lynn died in the early morning one October just days after her 38th birthday. She left behind four children ages 15, 13, and 4-year old twins. Because Robby was in no condition to be a father, Lynn's 28 year old single sister took custody and moved them all to Southern California where she lives. She has been an incredible mother to those kids and I know there is a special place in heaven reserved for her.


The reality is that life with an addict is never good. Still, that doesn't excuse Robby's behavior in the wake of a cancer diagnosis. Simply, when one is down, you don't keep punching and kicking. At a minimum, you back off and walk away. I used to think that Robby was the most vile and evil person I have ever known. I now know that I, too, had my own Robby (my then-husband) and that he was capable of the identical behavior.

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Believe it or not, I'm grateful for cancer and divorce

Happy Thanksgiving week! It's time to make my annual "grateful" list, which is the topic of my latest Divorced Moms column. Today I am very tired and after posting this, I'm taking a nap and later today, hitting up yoga. Not a bad way to start off my favorite time of year.

This Thanksgiving, I'm Grateful For Cancer And Divorce
by Lizzy Smith                     

November 25, 2014

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It's Thanksgiving week and I think all my Facebook friends are posting a list of all the things they're grateful for. I've decided I don't want to do the expected thing and post my own list. Because if I did, it would include the typical:

1. My daughters
2. My family (especially my parents, who opened their home to me and my two children when I was newly diagnosed with cancer and left my husband)
3. My friends and loved ones
4. The luxury of traveling

...oops! I just started the list that I promised I wouldn't. I think I'll stop right there.

But on Friday, I headed off to my weekly oncology appointment. Though I'm in full remission from multiple myeloma (a blood cancer), I am on indefinite maintenance therapy, which includes a chemo pill that I take daily, and a weekly injection of another chemo-type drug. (Neither of these drugs cause hair loss-- I already went through that!) I also get labs every three months. At that appointment, I got revaccinated. This was necessary because when I first entered treatment, I had two stem cell transplants, which wiped out my entire immune system. So all the vaccines I've had growing up were basically cancelled out. Here I was two years later getting new shots (progress!) because I was finally healthy enough to get them. And as I was sitting in clinic getting one poke after another (seven in total!), I started thinking about the radical direction my life has taken since getting cancer, and, wow, I realize how grateful I am for the experience. I mean, I wouldn't wish cancer on anyone, and I'm not happy I got it. But I did, and cancer was the catalyst for many amazing life lessons and experiences.

So I think I'll make a different kind of "grateful list"-- a list of why I'm grateful for the Cancer Journey.

1. I got a divorce
I wanted a divorce since just months after the wedding. During our dating phase, my husband pretended to be someone he wasn't-- a nice (and sober) guy. Soon, his disturbing personality patterns emerged and a few months later, he confessed that he was an alcoholic-- a highly functioning, closeted, raging alcoholic. Our marriage was a Hell that's hard to describe. And as many times as I asked for a divorce, and dreamt of a world without my husband, I had yet to pull the trigger. The minute I found out I had cancer, that all changed in an instant. I left my husband within days of diagnosis. While divorce sucks, a bad marriage sucks a whole heck of a lot worse. Some people need to be cut out of our lives just like a tumor. My husband was one of them.

Keep reading...

Divorced Moms: Domestic Abuse & The Ray Rice Story: Inside the Mind of a Victim

Domestic abuse. Sigh. There's a topic that makes me want to cry. Ray and Janay Rice are the latest classic example of abuse, victim mentality, and media mayhem. How and why victims stay with their abusers and how they can possible defend the behavior is complex and varied. It makes no sense to the onlooker but yet it happens every single day. My take via Divorced Moms.

Domestic Abuse & The Ray Rice Story: Inside The Mind Of A Victim
by Lizzy Smith                    

September 11, 2014

                                                                       

So Baltimore Ravens football star Ray Rice knocks his wife, Janay, unconscious in an elevator. When the door opens, he drags her limp body out of it. While the released video does not include audio, the Associated Press claims that a higher quality version shows the couple screaming obscenities at each other and Janay spitting on Ray before he punches her. The NFL suspended Ray indefinitely. End of a football career? Could be.

And where is Janay in all of this? She’s defending her husband. On Instagram, she wrote: "To make us relive a moment in our lives that we regret every day is a horrible thing. To take something away from the man I love that he has worked his ass off for all his life just to gain ratings is a horrific (sic)." And "no one knows the pain that the media & unwanted opinions from the public has caused my family. [We will] continue to grow & show the world what real love is."

In March, a grand jury indicted Ray on a third-degree aggravated assault charge. A simple assault charge against Janay for attacking Ray was dropped. The two were married the day after the incident occurred (that’s no typo!). A few months later, they spoke to reporters at a press conference.

"I do deeply regret the role that I played in the incident that night," Janay said. "I love Ray, and I know that he will continue to prove himself to not only you all, but the community, and I know he will gain your respect back in due time.”

As I watch and read about this story and talk about it with friends, their comments have ranged from, “Why the hell is she staying?” to “Well she did spit on him…” to “I don’t feel sorry for her. He’s hit her before and she stays so she deserves it.” Having lived and escaped an abusive marriage myself, my feelings are different. I feel deep sorrow. Because no one ever aspires to finding a husband or boyfriend that will beat her. No, it happens on accident and all too often, when it does, the victim feels defensive of anyone who criticizes her mate and powerless to leave him. It’s a very strange position to find yourself in, trust me. And it makes no sense to the onlooker, either.

Keep reading...

Oh wow oh wow-- I love it when I get a surprise like this!

I just stumbled upon a blog post that I didn't even know existed, and it's about ME!!! Oh my gosh, I'm so touched and humbled. And I have to post it right here. (Even though a few people - notably my ex husband - have tried to silence me with threats, I have pressed forward. Going public is not necessarily easy but it's been worth it a million times over. Fearless, unapologetic, strong. I strive to live those traits every day in everything I do. I can't say I achieve it but I'm trying! To the extent that I help, inspire or touch others in some way? Absolutely worth it. No regrets.)

Multiple myeloma, divorce and finding love once again; Positive attitude leads to positive outcomes!

Posted on September 11, 2013 by nishi01

In the course of my work writings for the medical research focused content on Cure Talk Blog, I have had the opportunity to interact with many young people, whose lives have suddenly been turned upside down with the diagnosis of multiple myeloma or cancer. Lizzy Smith is one such young girl. Interacting with Lizzy has been different. Her radiance and positivity shown through all the interactions I had with her. 

Imagine fighting multiple myeloma and a divorce from an alcoholic husband simultaneously. Traumatic, draining is what comes to my mind. Lizzy Smith has survived the journey with aplomb.
In my interaction with her, Lizzy shared of how she tackled a messy divorce from an alcoholic husband simultaneously while she got treated for multiple myeloma. Living life to the fullest, Lizzy is now dating and looking for love once again. Lizzy’s journey is very encouraging for everyone to hear that cancer does not always win and does not necessary take destroy physically and emotionally. 

Multiple myeloma, divorce and dating tips; Lizzy Smith talks about it all!

Sharing part of my inspiring interaction with Lizzy, who also happens to be a mother of two young girls.

Me: Multiple Myeloma and a crumbling relationship with an abusive partner. It must have been tough. How did you cope?

Lizzy: It was horrible. The day I went to the hospital for body scans, the X-ray tech said they were scanning me for body tumors because they suspected I had cancer. I started sobbing. I went home and waited for my husband to arrive.

When he did, it was clear he had been out drinking. I started sobbing and said, “They think I have cancer. I’m so scared.” And he responded by screaming at me so loudly that he was spitting in my face. He accused me of being a drama queen, lazy and stupid. I called the police, had him removed from the home, packed up trash bags with clothing, and left him. I moved to Utah where my parents were living and became a patient at Huntsman Cancer Institute at the University of Utah. Their Multiple Myeloma clinic is among the top in the world.

Me: You have mentioned in your blog that dating, in spite of battling with multiple myeloma has not been difficult. Any learning’s that you would like to share with our readers, regarding beginning a new relationship?

Lizzy: I am as honest as I know how to be. With my boyfriend of 10 months, I told him about my diagnosis about four weeks after we started dating. I decided I trusted him and if the cancer news scared him and he couldn’t handle it, it was ok. He was terrific and he’s incredibly kind and supportive. Being a cancer survivor has made me a better person and it shows in the way I treat everyone. I think there’s not ‘one size fits all’ when it comes to sharing health news with anyone new. Share it when the time is right, no apologies or second guessing yourself.
Second, life is too short. If you start dating someone new and he or she doesn’t seem like a great person to have in your life, don’t stick around. 

Me:  What would you say are the 2 most important things required in successfully battling an ailment like multiple myeloma? 

Lizzy: 1. A great support system. Not only must your caregivers be trustworthy, but also it’s important that they help you stay emotionally strong. I knew from day one that I would beat this cancer or, at a minimum, learn to live with it. My parents were like-minded. We’ve always been ready to win this battle.
2. Don’t get overwhelmed. My nurses used to start rattling off all the upcoming treatments and procedures. It made my head spin. I finally asked that they just tell me what was coming up over the next few days. It was much easier that way.

Want to read more and know about her current treatment schedule and what were the symptoms which led to the diagnosis of multiple myeloma? The rest of the interaction is here http://trialx.com/curetalk/2013/09/curetalk-interview-lizzy-smith-on-multiple-myeloma-divorce-and-finding-love-once-again/

Interacting with Lizzy, I am reminded of something that I read some time back ~ A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events and outcomes. It is a catalyst and it sparks extraordinary results.

For more, click here.

Divorced Moms Marriage Hell Part 8 (series conclusion): He Confesses, "I'm an alcoholic"

From Divorced Moms.

Series Part 8 Marriage Hell: He Confesses, “I’m an alcoholic”
by Lizzy Smith                    

June 19, 2014

In March, just seven months after our marriage, I finally found out why Rob’s behavior was so volatile and explosive. It was one evening when Rob’s 14 year old daughter, Kelly, was staying with us. She and Rob got in a huge fight and Kelly went to her room and slammed her door. I could hear her sobbing so I went upstairs and knocked. I asked her if I could come in and she said yes. I sat on her bed as she cried. When she composed herself, she started talking to me.

“I hate it when he’s drinking and he drinks every single day!” she was almost gasping for air she was crying so hard.

“What?” I said. “No, he doesn’t drink every day.” I clarified.

She looked at me like I was insane. “Yes he does, Liz. You don’t see it?”

I was shocked. I shook my head. What the hell was she talking about.

“Liz, he is at the BrewCo [Rob’s favorite drinking bar in our neighborhood] every day after work. You don’t know that? You can’t see it in his eyes?”
She was looking at me and I shook my head again. His eyes? The glassy, wild eyes... yes, I see them, I've noticed but I didn't know why. So Rob was drinking every day after work? My head was working on overload. The room was spinning. I was trying to put the pieces together. No, this can’t be true. I had no idea.

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Divorced Moms Marriage Hell Part 7:

From Divorced Moms.

Series Part 7 Marriage Hell: How Can a Grown Man Scream Like That?
By Lizzy Smith                    

June 16, 2014

How the heck did I end up married to a man I didn’t love and then allow him to abuse me? Good question. I write my story in an effort to try to understand it myself. Welcome to the series, “Marriage Hell.”

Rob and I returned from our honeymoon in Russia. It had turned out to be a fantastic trip. I was filled with hope that maybe the marriage wasn't a huge mistake and it would all work out. But that feeling was short-lived when I confronted my new reality. Here I was, in a new neighborhood, in a house too big, with too much work and unpacking that needed to be done. And yet I was the only one doing any of it. I was getting zero help from Rob and right away, I started resenting it. I was spending night after night staying up far too late trying to paint, unpack, clean, pay bills, and ignore the screaming matches between Rob and his 16 year old daughter, Nicky. It wasn’t fun. By early November, just three months after our wedding, Mean Rob showed up for the first time. Prior to then, Rob had always been happy and upbeat. He had not once been mean or disrespectful and raised his voice to me. But this time was different.

The fight started out over nothing. I had begged Rob to help me clear out the garage for weeks but he had never gotten around to it. When Rob left the house on a Saturday for a few hours, I started organizing. When Rob pulled up to the house and saw what I was doing, he exploded. “I just want to have a quiet day! I didn’t want to work on this and you are making me feel guilty!”

I was trying to be upbeat and funny. “I thought you’d be happy. I wanted this to be a surprise. Look, I can walk from one end of the garage to the other – whoohoo!” I demonstrated it for him by walking from one end to the other and doing a little happy dance at the end.

Rob wasn’t impressed. He started screaming in this horrific pitch that I have never heard a grown man do—and in the front yard. I was horrified and embarrassed. “Rob, the neighbors,” I said. He responded by screaming louder in this booming, explosive voice: “I don’t care about the fucking neighbors!” I looked at him closely. His eyes were glassy, his hands fidgety, and his scream a high falsetto/mezzo soprano wail. If I only had recorded it because there is no way to adequately describe it. I literally stood transfixed his behavior. I didn't know if I should laugh, run, or cry. I went silent and stopped talking to him the rest of the day while he tried to apologize. I just wanted him to get away from me.

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Divorced Moms Marriage Hell Part 6: Honeymoon to Russia

From Divorced Moms.

Series Part 6 Marriage Hell: Honeymoon to Russia
by Lizzy Smith                    

June 12, 2014

How the heck did I end up married to a man I didn't love and then allow him to abuse me? Good question. I write my story in an effort to try to understand it myself. Welcome to the series, “Marriage Hell.”

Rob and I scheduled our honeymoon for three weeks after our wedding. We were flying to Moscow for a few days and then getting on another flight and heading east to Yekaterinburg, Russia. Seems kind of random, no? Well, there was a reason we were making that particular trip.

The summer before I met Rob, I started the process of adopting a daughter from Russia. By the time I met Rob, I had only completed the home study and received approval from the Office of Homeland Security to bring a child into the United States. When Rob and I decided to marry, we also decided that we would take a "wait & see" approach with the adoption. If we got a referral for a child, we'd review it together and decide if it made sense or not. And we both sort of forgot about it because it was taking so long anyway. About a month prior to our wedding, I got a phone call from my adoption agency. They had an almost two year old girl for me to look at! We received photos and a medical record. The tricky part with this adoption is that she was living in the toughest region in all of Russia to adopt from and it would take three trips to bring her home. Rob and I decided that we would take our honeymoon in Russia and go meet this little girl. We would know right away if she was "ours" or not. We started our adventure by exploring Moscow. We hired a tour guide and got the official version of the main attractions, and then spent a few days exploring on foot by ourselves. It was my third trip to Moscow and Rob’s first. We loved it and discovered one of the best Italian restaurants I’ve ever been too—Mama’s. We stayed in a boutique hotel in a swanky neighborhood and it was awesome. Moscow is an amazing city—beautiful, unique, fascinating and historically significant. I love Red Square and St Basil’s. The shopping is phenomenal if one is a multi-millionaire or better. And, dangit, we didn’t get to see the Bolshoi but, oh well, maybe someday.

But the next phase or our trip was most significant- Yekaterinburg. In Russia (or at least the parts that I’ve visited), the sun almost never sets. It’s trippy. We were flying at 2:30AM and watching the sun set and rise just a few minutes later. I’ll never forget that image. We landed at the airport ad were met by our driver/translator and immediately went to our hotel. Later that day, we were driven to the orphanage to meet "Vika."

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Divorced Moms column: Marriage Hell Series Part 1: How I Ended Up Married to this Ass

As promised, here is the first in an eight part series of Marriage Hell, which is publishing on Divorced Moms every Monday and Thursday, beginning today.

Series Part 1 Marriage Hell (or How I Ended Up Marrying This Ass)
by Lizzy Smith                    

May 26, 2014

How the heck did I end up married to a man I didn't love and then allow him to abuse me? Good question. I write my story in an effort to try to understand it myself. Welcome to the series, “Marriage Hell.”

My path to marriage began with my ex boyfriend, Tom, the guy I really loved and the one who got away. When Tom and I broke up, I was devastated. I was nursing my shattered heart when I met Rob. Within a few weeks of dating, Rob asked me for a commitment. I said “not yet.” I was dating other guys and I told Rob that he should, too. He had been separated for just six months, after all (though I learned years later that Rob had only been separated for a few weeks and had lied to me about it). In my opinion, jumping from one relationship to the next is a sign of a really wounded guy in need of therapy, not a new girlfriend.

The first sample of Rob’s explosive temper came not too long after we started dating. I was at his home when he got a call from his ex wife. "Rob, I'm happy you're dating someone new, but you have kids so please take it slow," she said before Rob cut her off in a very loud booming voice (a voice I soon came to loathe): "I don't give a fuck what you think!" and he hung up on her. "Sorry," he said to me in a sheepish voice. “I learned that communication skill from her.”

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Divorced Moms column: Drama, Illness, Alcohol, Abuse & Police. The Day We Separated

My latest Divorced Moms column!

Drama, Illness, Alcohol, Abuse & Police. The Day We Separated.
by Lizzy Smith 

April 24, 2014

January 2, 2012 is a day I will never forget. I woke up early because I had early morning medical appointments scheduled for a good chunk of the day. While getting routine lab work done, my doctor had noticed alarming abnormalities. He had ordered follow-up tests. I was terrified and filled with dread.

I had arranged for the girls to go to a friends’ house to hang out. My husband, Rob, wanted to run a bunch of errands. I asked him to drop the girls off on his way out and, in response, he exploded into a temper tantrum. “I just want to leave and get things done!” he screamed in only the way Rob can. (Truth was, numero uno “errand” was a stop by a bar.)

“Well, I think my medical tests are more important, don’t you?” I was an emotional and nervous wreck and left the house. I was beyond caring what his needs were.

Keep reading...

My latest Divorced Moms column is out! Enjoy.

7 Tips for Going Public with Your Divorce Story

April 03, 2014
By Lizzy Smith                            

You’re getting a divorce. Almost as hard as reaching that decision is making The Announcement to the world. Who should you tell and how should you tell it? There are those who say almost nothing. And then there are those (like me) who go public and say it all.

My journey to blogging and sharing my journey of marriage to an alcoholic, escape, and survival started a year ago. After I left my husband, he threatened to tell the children what a horrible person I was. He told mutual friends absolute lies about me (that I was a thief, a liar, was faking my cancer diagnosis just so I didn’t have to work, and so much more). I was trying to make sense of it all.

Keep reading...

My latest Divorced Moms column is out!

My latest Divorced Moms column is out.

My Flirt With Revenge Sex and the Importance of Vows                     

By Lizzy Smith, Contributor - March 07, 2014                                            

In case you’ve missed it in my other posts, I was married to an alcoholic. A highly functioning alcoholic, but an abusive alcoholic nonetheless. It was really frustrating taking his alcoholism far more seriously than he did. I went to therapy, Alanon, read books… you name it. I knew more about his disease and spent far more time learning about coping skills than he did.

One day after a heated argument, I decided that I owed nothing to our relationship anymore. In fact, just the opposite—his continued behavior gave me license to do whatever I wanted. And, truth be told, I knew that if I had an affair, he would probably leave and never come back.

We had separated countless times in the past. He would go to his mother’s house for a few days and then would come home boldly proclaiming in his loud booming voice: “This is my home and I’m not leaving!”

And there you have it. But if I had an affair, I was quite certain he wouldn’t come back and that, to me, sounded heavenly. I would finally hurt him as badly as his alcoholic behavior was hurting me and our children. It sounded quite reasonable.

Keep reading...

Lizzy in the news!

Interview: NBC News Salt Lake City

Today, Jenny and I were interviewed on NBC News at Noon in Salt Lake City. We discussed the www.myelomacrowd.org site and navigating myeloma treatment. It's always a pleasure to help promote this web site and help other myeloma survivors navigate this disease. Check it out here! www.ksl.com/?sid=28870218&nid=1194

Article: Huffington Post!

The Huffington Post carried my first article today! I'm so excited. What a great way to promote something I am passionate about: helping others survive divorce and, especially, how to survive an abusive husband, escape him, and rebuild life after. I've already received several private emails from those who found my blog from Huffington Post - hooray! Click here to read. But here's a teaser:

The 10 Best Things About Divorce

Posted: 02/27/2014 11:45 am EST Updated: 02/27/2014 11:59 am EST            

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Daly and Newton via Getty Images

                            

By Lizzy Smith for DivorcedMoms.com

 

I don’t know a single person who has gone through a divorce and thought it pleasurable. Divorce is tough, ugly, and acrimonious -- it pretty much sucks. But if you look closely enough, I’ll bet you can find many great things that emerged from your divorce. I know I can. And when I think about it and remind myself of the positives, thriving from my divorce seems a more accurate description of my experience (sort of). Hey, at least I learned to laugh again and have fun! Keep reading...

 

Radio Program: Cure Panel Talk Radio

Yesterday I participated in a fantastic radio show! Dr Rajkumar talked about many of the developments in the Myeloma field, including treatments, outcomes, and new drugs in the pipeline. You can hear a recap by clicking here or by pasting this in your browser: http://www.curepanel.carefeed.net/event/rsvp/19/.  

 

 

Two notable items I'd like to recap are:

 

1. Almost all the time, patients are treated for myeloma differently depending on who treats them. There are so many different ways to treat those with myeloma and many different approaches. There are approaches that are highly aggressive and more curative in their attempt versus maintaining the disease. And there are all these factors that help determine those decisions. But almost without fail, it depends where a patient is seen. It should be the other way around. Patients should, in a "perfect" world, know what their treatment options are and then determine how they would like to proceed. The challenge is that few patients know anything about their disease when diagnosed. And, once diagnosed, we they are overwhelmed and trust their oncologist. That was true for me, too. I believe the www.myelomacrowd.org site helps educate newly diagnosed patients in a comprehensive, easy-to-understand way. Maybe armed with better knowledge, those decisions won't be quite so difficult.

 

2. For those who are done with transplant and received a total response or a very good partial response, keeping them on maintenance therapy indefinitely is an approach some are taking. At Mayo, they keep patients on that maintenance therapy for no more than "about" two years because secondary cancers become more prevalent.

 

All interesting information!

Divorced Moms column: Almost Snapping: Brought to the Brink of the Unthinkable

Latest Divorced Moms column is out!

Almost Snapping: Brought to the Brink of the Unthinkable

By Lizzy Smith, Contributor - February 27, 2014

Years ago, I read about a woman who snapped. By all accounts, she was a good person. She had no prior record. One day, she found out her husband was cheating on her and she confronted him. They got in a huge argument and, with a child in the car, she ran him over, killing him.

I never understood how someone could ever get so angry that they would do the unthinkable. Things had to be really bad and, honestly, nothing had ever really been that bad for me. Until I married “Rob."

While I never resorted to physical violence, I was once pushed to that brink. It was the lowest point of my marriage. It was the moment when I stopped liking my husband. It was my point of no return. I remember it all too well.

The day I almost snapped was on a Sunday over President’s weekend. I was home with our two young daughters while my husband went to a Charger’s football game with his brother. We ended up getting into a heated argument via text over his refusal to help around the house. Keep reading...

Silence is golden

 

Better to be silent and thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.

The topic of abusive relationships is heavily on my mind these days. I received many messages from my Divorced Moms column last week on why women stay in abusive relationships. It makes me so sad.

A few days ago, one of my frequent readers, Z, asked if I would speak with her brother. He is going through a horrible divorce. So we spent about an hour chatting this weekend. His stories are breathtaking. Of course, there are two sides to every story, I get that. But if his are to be believed, wow.

And, really, the only way to handle an abuser (besides calling the police, moving, and getting the hell out) is to keep your mouth shut. Hence today's topic: silence.

The awesome, amazing power of silence. If only I had mastered that during my marriage. Nothing shows contempt as loudly as complete and total silence.

During my marriage, I more often than not, kept my mouth shut. In the midst of horrific screaming fits, I would tell myself, "He's drunk. Or he wants to get drunk. Arguing with a drunk is pointless. Keep your mouth shut." And I'd remain silent for a few days. I'd leave the room and go to another part of the house, usually while Rob the Great (Alcoholic) would follow me from room to room, screaming again and again until he got tired of it enough and went to bed.

But when I decided to fight back, it was ugly. And when I did, I came out swinging (verbally) with all the power I could. And because I can have a very sassy tongue, I would say things aimed to wound back and they were just as mean as anything Rob could come up with. If was my (futile) effort to try and take a little bit of my sanity and power back. To defend myself.

That is where I failed miserably. I wish I would never have "gone there" verbally. Because nothing-- and I mean nothing at all -- argued my point more forcefully than an unwillingness to engage. Silence. Showing complete and total contempt.

And, when asked for my advice, I tell others who are in abusive relationships: Go silent. If your current mate is screaming at you, keep your mouth shut. Instead of screaming back or devising ways to try and defend yourself, spend the time on your exit strategy. If you're still being harassed by your ex, don't respond. Let your attorney handle it. Because that's when you loose your dignity, sanity, and emotional health. Sleep and healthy eating patterns go right out the window.

There is no winning in a war with your abuser. Words nor fists will accomplish anything at all.

A good friend of mine is still at "war" with her ex. He won't leave her alone and his wife is even in on the action. Last time they were in court, the wife showed up with a gaggle of friends and laughed throughout the entire proceeding. I gave her the only advice I could after she received some more threatening texts from him: "Don't respond. Forward it to your attorney and go get a massage."

I took my own advice about six months ago. Rob's attorney contacted my attorney to ask if Rob could start contacting me directly with things having to do with our vacation property. His attorney said it would be easier if we could just communicate directly on that one issue rather than going through legal counsel. My response was, "Is he serious? The answer is not only no, but HELL NO." And then I went and got a massage. It felt so peaceful. Taking sanity back and going silent works!

Silence is golden, especially in an abusive relationship.

Divorced Moms column is out! (And a very touching email about abuse): 9 Reasons Women Stay In Abusive Relationships

My latest Divorced Moms column is out! But before I get to that, I'd like to share a comment I just received today and my response back to her. Count this as one more reason I blog, and I blog very descriptively. Coming out of the shadows and living in truth, honesty, and in full openness is liberating. I spent far too long living a lie and covering up. And, truthfully, helping others is one of the reasons I get out of bed in the morning.

k - January 25, 2014   Delete                            
This could not be more timely! As I sit here after being thrown out of a car in 5 degree weather to walk 2 miles home last night.  Again.  He would not leave my home.  Took my cell. I got help next door and called the police for the first time.  He was taken to the station in a patrol car.  Last time this happened, the contrite, sappy nice messages started just like clockwork.  I bought into it.  And hear I am again 30 days later.  ENOUGH! I live in an upper middle class area, too vulvernable for this bs.  Divorced less then a year after a 30 year marriage.  Again, ENOUGH.  Glad I got neighbors and police involved.  




Lizzy Smith - January 25, 2014 Publish  Delete
K: Thank you for your comment and sharing your story. I am so very sorry to hear that. Having lived through the craziness of abuse, I know the horror you are enduring. The ONLY way to make it stop is to just cut ties completely. Easier said than done. Sharing my story is one of the reasons I blog. I write a lot about stories from my life in abuse. Check it out at lizzysmilez.blogspot.com. I write very detailed experiences because some of the things that happened are so "over the top" that even I sometimes can't believe it. I want others to know that they are not alone when crazy things are happening at home. And it's not OK. It IS possible to escape. It's hard. It's traumatic. But the good news is that it will eventually end. If you stay in abuse, it will never stop. I wish you all the best. There are great support groups. Find one. If you ever need an "e-friend", I can be found at lizzysmilez@gmail.com.

Ok, I want to cry right now. These stories just rip my heart out.

...And now onto my Divorced Moms column. As you can imagine, it's about abuse. (And, seriously, if you're being abused, get ready to get out! I've written on that topic before. You can read it right here: How To Leave Abuse Behind.)

9 Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships (according to my kids)

By Lizzy Smith, Contributor - January 25, 2014

Why do victims stay? Ah, the million dollar question.

I used to think that any victim who stayed with her abuser was dependent and pathetic. And then I found myself in that very situation. My husband never hit me but the verbal abuse was intense. Yet there I was, I hadn’t left yet.

Physical abuse is obvious and dangerous. Life threatening. When someone is beating you up, you know it. Verbal abuse is just as damaging but tougher to recognize because there’s nothing to look at. They wounds reside in your soul.

Keep reading...

Divorced Moms column is out! 5 Signs Your New Guy is Crazy About You

Latest Divorced Moms column is out!

I absolutely love writing for Divorced Moms almost as much as I love writing my blog. I wish I had found this site when I was still married. I think it would have given me the hope and courage needed to exit my marriage a whole lot sooner. I think it's fabulous. If you're in a bad marriage or are in some process of divorcing, check it out often.

Anyway, read my latest column here:

5 Signs Your New Guy is Crazy About You                     

        

By Lizzy Smith, Contributor - December 27, 2013

 

When I started dating again after my marriage ended, it was exhilarating. To me, jumping back in meant hope—hope that I could find someone fabulous. Hope for something better. Hope is powerful. Hope is good and new and fresh.

Keep reading...

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And William just wrote his first post on Divorced Moms! He is now a Guest Contributor and I love his first article.

It's always good to hear things from a guy's perspective. Here it is:

Ten Useful Etiquette Tips for Dating in 2014

By William Conley, Guest Author - December 27, 2013

 

Is it one, two, three strikes your out in the internet dating game?

Are you striking out when it comes to finding that special one in this crazy mixed up world of online dating?

Keep reading...

Divorced Moms column is out! "Domestic Abuse: How the hell did I end up here?

Latest Divorced Moms column is out! Read here...

Domestic Abuse: "How The Hell Did I End up Here"?

By Lizzy Smith, Contributor - December 06, 2013

 

I just found out my divorce is final! I left his alcoholic, emotionally abusive, bullying ass one year and 11 months ago. And, at last, it’s done. With a stroke of a pen. The damage? A pen can’t erase that. Nothing can. The anger? Some days, I don’t feel a thing.

Read more.