Divorced Moms Marriage Hell Part 8 (series conclusion): He Confesses, "I'm an alcoholic"

From Divorced Moms.

Series Part 8 Marriage Hell: He Confesses, “I’m an alcoholic”
by Lizzy Smith                    

June 19, 2014

In March, just seven months after our marriage, I finally found out why Rob’s behavior was so volatile and explosive. It was one evening when Rob’s 14 year old daughter, Kelly, was staying with us. She and Rob got in a huge fight and Kelly went to her room and slammed her door. I could hear her sobbing so I went upstairs and knocked. I asked her if I could come in and she said yes. I sat on her bed as she cried. When she composed herself, she started talking to me.

“I hate it when he’s drinking and he drinks every single day!” she was almost gasping for air she was crying so hard.

“What?” I said. “No, he doesn’t drink every day.” I clarified.

She looked at me like I was insane. “Yes he does, Liz. You don’t see it?”

I was shocked. I shook my head. What the hell was she talking about.

“Liz, he is at the BrewCo [Rob’s favorite drinking bar in our neighborhood] every day after work. You don’t know that? You can’t see it in his eyes?”
She was looking at me and I shook my head again. His eyes? The glassy, wild eyes... yes, I see them, I've noticed but I didn't know why. So Rob was drinking every day after work? My head was working on overload. The room was spinning. I was trying to put the pieces together. No, this can’t be true. I had no idea.

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Divorced Moms Marriage Hell Part 7:

From Divorced Moms.

Series Part 7 Marriage Hell: How Can a Grown Man Scream Like That?
By Lizzy Smith                    

June 16, 2014

How the heck did I end up married to a man I didn’t love and then allow him to abuse me? Good question. I write my story in an effort to try to understand it myself. Welcome to the series, “Marriage Hell.”

Rob and I returned from our honeymoon in Russia. It had turned out to be a fantastic trip. I was filled with hope that maybe the marriage wasn't a huge mistake and it would all work out. But that feeling was short-lived when I confronted my new reality. Here I was, in a new neighborhood, in a house too big, with too much work and unpacking that needed to be done. And yet I was the only one doing any of it. I was getting zero help from Rob and right away, I started resenting it. I was spending night after night staying up far too late trying to paint, unpack, clean, pay bills, and ignore the screaming matches between Rob and his 16 year old daughter, Nicky. It wasn’t fun. By early November, just three months after our wedding, Mean Rob showed up for the first time. Prior to then, Rob had always been happy and upbeat. He had not once been mean or disrespectful and raised his voice to me. But this time was different.

The fight started out over nothing. I had begged Rob to help me clear out the garage for weeks but he had never gotten around to it. When Rob left the house on a Saturday for a few hours, I started organizing. When Rob pulled up to the house and saw what I was doing, he exploded. “I just want to have a quiet day! I didn’t want to work on this and you are making me feel guilty!”

I was trying to be upbeat and funny. “I thought you’d be happy. I wanted this to be a surprise. Look, I can walk from one end of the garage to the other – whoohoo!” I demonstrated it for him by walking from one end to the other and doing a little happy dance at the end.

Rob wasn’t impressed. He started screaming in this horrific pitch that I have never heard a grown man do—and in the front yard. I was horrified and embarrassed. “Rob, the neighbors,” I said. He responded by screaming louder in this booming, explosive voice: “I don’t care about the fucking neighbors!” I looked at him closely. His eyes were glassy, his hands fidgety, and his scream a high falsetto/mezzo soprano wail. If I only had recorded it because there is no way to adequately describe it. I literally stood transfixed his behavior. I didn't know if I should laugh, run, or cry. I went silent and stopped talking to him the rest of the day while he tried to apologize. I just wanted him to get away from me.

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Divorced Moms Marriage Hell Part 6: Honeymoon to Russia

From Divorced Moms.

Series Part 6 Marriage Hell: Honeymoon to Russia
by Lizzy Smith                    

June 12, 2014

How the heck did I end up married to a man I didn't love and then allow him to abuse me? Good question. I write my story in an effort to try to understand it myself. Welcome to the series, “Marriage Hell.”

Rob and I scheduled our honeymoon for three weeks after our wedding. We were flying to Moscow for a few days and then getting on another flight and heading east to Yekaterinburg, Russia. Seems kind of random, no? Well, there was a reason we were making that particular trip.

The summer before I met Rob, I started the process of adopting a daughter from Russia. By the time I met Rob, I had only completed the home study and received approval from the Office of Homeland Security to bring a child into the United States. When Rob and I decided to marry, we also decided that we would take a "wait & see" approach with the adoption. If we got a referral for a child, we'd review it together and decide if it made sense or not. And we both sort of forgot about it because it was taking so long anyway. About a month prior to our wedding, I got a phone call from my adoption agency. They had an almost two year old girl for me to look at! We received photos and a medical record. The tricky part with this adoption is that she was living in the toughest region in all of Russia to adopt from and it would take three trips to bring her home. Rob and I decided that we would take our honeymoon in Russia and go meet this little girl. We would know right away if she was "ours" or not. We started our adventure by exploring Moscow. We hired a tour guide and got the official version of the main attractions, and then spent a few days exploring on foot by ourselves. It was my third trip to Moscow and Rob’s first. We loved it and discovered one of the best Italian restaurants I’ve ever been too—Mama’s. We stayed in a boutique hotel in a swanky neighborhood and it was awesome. Moscow is an amazing city—beautiful, unique, fascinating and historically significant. I love Red Square and St Basil’s. The shopping is phenomenal if one is a multi-millionaire or better. And, dangit, we didn’t get to see the Bolshoi but, oh well, maybe someday.

But the next phase or our trip was most significant- Yekaterinburg. In Russia (or at least the parts that I’ve visited), the sun almost never sets. It’s trippy. We were flying at 2:30AM and watching the sun set and rise just a few minutes later. I’ll never forget that image. We landed at the airport ad were met by our driver/translator and immediately went to our hotel. Later that day, we were driven to the orphanage to meet "Vika."

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My latest Divorced Moms column is out!

My latest Divorced Moms column is out.

My Flirt With Revenge Sex and the Importance of Vows                     

By Lizzy Smith, Contributor - March 07, 2014                                            

In case you’ve missed it in my other posts, I was married to an alcoholic. A highly functioning alcoholic, but an abusive alcoholic nonetheless. It was really frustrating taking his alcoholism far more seriously than he did. I went to therapy, Alanon, read books… you name it. I knew more about his disease and spent far more time learning about coping skills than he did.

One day after a heated argument, I decided that I owed nothing to our relationship anymore. In fact, just the opposite—his continued behavior gave me license to do whatever I wanted. And, truth be told, I knew that if I had an affair, he would probably leave and never come back.

We had separated countless times in the past. He would go to his mother’s house for a few days and then would come home boldly proclaiming in his loud booming voice: “This is my home and I’m not leaving!”

And there you have it. But if I had an affair, I was quite certain he wouldn’t come back and that, to me, sounded heavenly. I would finally hurt him as badly as his alcoholic behavior was hurting me and our children. It sounded quite reasonable.

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An excellent article in O Magazine about verbal abuse. I actually purchased and read this book. By the time I was done, it was highlighted and marked up. It helped me so much. No more listening to Rob tell me that he wasn't abusive and that it was all just in my head. I hope it helps some of you readers who may find yourself in abusive relationships, too. Verbal abuse is as damaging as physical abuse and so much more difficult to recognize.

Verbal Abuse: How To Save Yourself

How to save yourself from a bad guy: an interview with author Patricia Evans

By Annie Gotlieb

 

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me. How many women think of that schoolyard rhyme while reeling from a partner's put-downs or angry outbursts? The rhyme's a lie, says Patricia Evans, author of The Verbally Abusive Relationship—the book that helped change Brandy's life. Cruel words can do worse than break bones: They can break your spirit, cripple your confidence, even make you physically ill.

"This can happen to any woman, with any family background or career," she says. "It's happened to psychologists, lawyers, doctors, teachers, Web designers, mommies—even the director of a women's shelter." A woman falls into the trap because the abuse takes her by surprise. "He isn't abusive while he's courting you," Evans says. "But once he gets you, he switches—and you have no idea why."

How can his voice drown out your inner knowing? Patricia Evans explains.

• The abuse only happens when you're alone with him. Friends and coworkers might think he's a prince, so you doubt your own perceptions or believe his anger must be your fault.


• Verbal abuse escalates gradually; you adapt. (The abuse might also become physical.) He's Jekyll and Hyde, with just enough sweet times to keep you hoping the relationship will improve.


• Assuming he's rational (aren't all men?) and wants what you want (loving mutuality), you strain to make sense of what he says. But it's nonsense, designed to confuse you. The shocking truth is, he seeks control, not intimacy.

Yet you can save your spirit. Evans maps out the steps to emotional rescue:

• Recognize that the abuse has nothing to do with you or your actions or qualities.


• Stop trying to explain and defend yourself. Instead, start setting limits: "Cut that out!" or "I don't want to hear that."


• Listen carefully to your feelings. Believe them, not him.


• Get support from a counselor or therapist. Make sure she understands that this isn't just a "conflict" or an "argument."


• Keep in mind that an abuser might be able to change himself if he really wants to—but you can't change him. You can honor and nurture yourself.

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Verbal-Abuse-How-To-Save-Yourself#ixzz2vEgIiCKT

Divorced Moms column: Almost Snapping: Brought to the Brink of the Unthinkable

Latest Divorced Moms column is out!

Almost Snapping: Brought to the Brink of the Unthinkable

By Lizzy Smith, Contributor - February 27, 2014

Years ago, I read about a woman who snapped. By all accounts, she was a good person. She had no prior record. One day, she found out her husband was cheating on her and she confronted him. They got in a huge argument and, with a child in the car, she ran him over, killing him.

I never understood how someone could ever get so angry that they would do the unthinkable. Things had to be really bad and, honestly, nothing had ever really been that bad for me. Until I married “Rob."

While I never resorted to physical violence, I was once pushed to that brink. It was the lowest point of my marriage. It was the moment when I stopped liking my husband. It was my point of no return. I remember it all too well.

The day I almost snapped was on a Sunday over President’s weekend. I was home with our two young daughters while my husband went to a Charger’s football game with his brother. We ended up getting into a heated argument via text over his refusal to help around the house. Keep reading...

Silence is golden

 

Better to be silent and thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.

The topic of abusive relationships is heavily on my mind these days. I received many messages from my Divorced Moms column last week on why women stay in abusive relationships. It makes me so sad.

A few days ago, one of my frequent readers, Z, asked if I would speak with her brother. He is going through a horrible divorce. So we spent about an hour chatting this weekend. His stories are breathtaking. Of course, there are two sides to every story, I get that. But if his are to be believed, wow.

And, really, the only way to handle an abuser (besides calling the police, moving, and getting the hell out) is to keep your mouth shut. Hence today's topic: silence.

The awesome, amazing power of silence. If only I had mastered that during my marriage. Nothing shows contempt as loudly as complete and total silence.

During my marriage, I more often than not, kept my mouth shut. In the midst of horrific screaming fits, I would tell myself, "He's drunk. Or he wants to get drunk. Arguing with a drunk is pointless. Keep your mouth shut." And I'd remain silent for a few days. I'd leave the room and go to another part of the house, usually while Rob the Great (Alcoholic) would follow me from room to room, screaming again and again until he got tired of it enough and went to bed.

But when I decided to fight back, it was ugly. And when I did, I came out swinging (verbally) with all the power I could. And because I can have a very sassy tongue, I would say things aimed to wound back and they were just as mean as anything Rob could come up with. If was my (futile) effort to try and take a little bit of my sanity and power back. To defend myself.

That is where I failed miserably. I wish I would never have "gone there" verbally. Because nothing-- and I mean nothing at all -- argued my point more forcefully than an unwillingness to engage. Silence. Showing complete and total contempt.

And, when asked for my advice, I tell others who are in abusive relationships: Go silent. If your current mate is screaming at you, keep your mouth shut. Instead of screaming back or devising ways to try and defend yourself, spend the time on your exit strategy. If you're still being harassed by your ex, don't respond. Let your attorney handle it. Because that's when you loose your dignity, sanity, and emotional health. Sleep and healthy eating patterns go right out the window.

There is no winning in a war with your abuser. Words nor fists will accomplish anything at all.

A good friend of mine is still at "war" with her ex. He won't leave her alone and his wife is even in on the action. Last time they were in court, the wife showed up with a gaggle of friends and laughed throughout the entire proceeding. I gave her the only advice I could after she received some more threatening texts from him: "Don't respond. Forward it to your attorney and go get a massage."

I took my own advice about six months ago. Rob's attorney contacted my attorney to ask if Rob could start contacting me directly with things having to do with our vacation property. His attorney said it would be easier if we could just communicate directly on that one issue rather than going through legal counsel. My response was, "Is he serious? The answer is not only no, but HELL NO." And then I went and got a massage. It felt so peaceful. Taking sanity back and going silent works!

Silence is golden, especially in an abusive relationship.