Divorced Moms Marriage Hell Part 8 (series conclusion): He Confesses, "I'm an alcoholic"

From Divorced Moms.

Series Part 8 Marriage Hell: He Confesses, “I’m an alcoholic”
by Lizzy Smith                    

June 19, 2014

In March, just seven months after our marriage, I finally found out why Rob’s behavior was so volatile and explosive. It was one evening when Rob’s 14 year old daughter, Kelly, was staying with us. She and Rob got in a huge fight and Kelly went to her room and slammed her door. I could hear her sobbing so I went upstairs and knocked. I asked her if I could come in and she said yes. I sat on her bed as she cried. When she composed herself, she started talking to me.

“I hate it when he’s drinking and he drinks every single day!” she was almost gasping for air she was crying so hard.

“What?” I said. “No, he doesn’t drink every day.” I clarified.

She looked at me like I was insane. “Yes he does, Liz. You don’t see it?”

I was shocked. I shook my head. What the hell was she talking about.

“Liz, he is at the BrewCo [Rob’s favorite drinking bar in our neighborhood] every day after work. You don’t know that? You can’t see it in his eyes?”
She was looking at me and I shook my head again. His eyes? The glassy, wild eyes... yes, I see them, I've noticed but I didn't know why. So Rob was drinking every day after work? My head was working on overload. The room was spinning. I was trying to put the pieces together. No, this can’t be true. I had no idea.

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Divorced Moms Marriage Hell Part 7:

From Divorced Moms.

Series Part 7 Marriage Hell: How Can a Grown Man Scream Like That?
By Lizzy Smith                    

June 16, 2014

How the heck did I end up married to a man I didn’t love and then allow him to abuse me? Good question. I write my story in an effort to try to understand it myself. Welcome to the series, “Marriage Hell.”

Rob and I returned from our honeymoon in Russia. It had turned out to be a fantastic trip. I was filled with hope that maybe the marriage wasn't a huge mistake and it would all work out. But that feeling was short-lived when I confronted my new reality. Here I was, in a new neighborhood, in a house too big, with too much work and unpacking that needed to be done. And yet I was the only one doing any of it. I was getting zero help from Rob and right away, I started resenting it. I was spending night after night staying up far too late trying to paint, unpack, clean, pay bills, and ignore the screaming matches between Rob and his 16 year old daughter, Nicky. It wasn’t fun. By early November, just three months after our wedding, Mean Rob showed up for the first time. Prior to then, Rob had always been happy and upbeat. He had not once been mean or disrespectful and raised his voice to me. But this time was different.

The fight started out over nothing. I had begged Rob to help me clear out the garage for weeks but he had never gotten around to it. When Rob left the house on a Saturday for a few hours, I started organizing. When Rob pulled up to the house and saw what I was doing, he exploded. “I just want to have a quiet day! I didn’t want to work on this and you are making me feel guilty!”

I was trying to be upbeat and funny. “I thought you’d be happy. I wanted this to be a surprise. Look, I can walk from one end of the garage to the other – whoohoo!” I demonstrated it for him by walking from one end to the other and doing a little happy dance at the end.

Rob wasn’t impressed. He started screaming in this horrific pitch that I have never heard a grown man do—and in the front yard. I was horrified and embarrassed. “Rob, the neighbors,” I said. He responded by screaming louder in this booming, explosive voice: “I don’t care about the fucking neighbors!” I looked at him closely. His eyes were glassy, his hands fidgety, and his scream a high falsetto/mezzo soprano wail. If I only had recorded it because there is no way to adequately describe it. I literally stood transfixed his behavior. I didn't know if I should laugh, run, or cry. I went silent and stopped talking to him the rest of the day while he tried to apologize. I just wanted him to get away from me.

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Divorced Moms Marriage Hell Part 6: Honeymoon to Russia

From Divorced Moms.

Series Part 6 Marriage Hell: Honeymoon to Russia
by Lizzy Smith                    

June 12, 2014

How the heck did I end up married to a man I didn't love and then allow him to abuse me? Good question. I write my story in an effort to try to understand it myself. Welcome to the series, “Marriage Hell.”

Rob and I scheduled our honeymoon for three weeks after our wedding. We were flying to Moscow for a few days and then getting on another flight and heading east to Yekaterinburg, Russia. Seems kind of random, no? Well, there was a reason we were making that particular trip.

The summer before I met Rob, I started the process of adopting a daughter from Russia. By the time I met Rob, I had only completed the home study and received approval from the Office of Homeland Security to bring a child into the United States. When Rob and I decided to marry, we also decided that we would take a "wait & see" approach with the adoption. If we got a referral for a child, we'd review it together and decide if it made sense or not. And we both sort of forgot about it because it was taking so long anyway. About a month prior to our wedding, I got a phone call from my adoption agency. They had an almost two year old girl for me to look at! We received photos and a medical record. The tricky part with this adoption is that she was living in the toughest region in all of Russia to adopt from and it would take three trips to bring her home. Rob and I decided that we would take our honeymoon in Russia and go meet this little girl. We would know right away if she was "ours" or not. We started our adventure by exploring Moscow. We hired a tour guide and got the official version of the main attractions, and then spent a few days exploring on foot by ourselves. It was my third trip to Moscow and Rob’s first. We loved it and discovered one of the best Italian restaurants I’ve ever been too—Mama’s. We stayed in a boutique hotel in a swanky neighborhood and it was awesome. Moscow is an amazing city—beautiful, unique, fascinating and historically significant. I love Red Square and St Basil’s. The shopping is phenomenal if one is a multi-millionaire or better. And, dangit, we didn’t get to see the Bolshoi but, oh well, maybe someday.

But the next phase or our trip was most significant- Yekaterinburg. In Russia (or at least the parts that I’ve visited), the sun almost never sets. It’s trippy. We were flying at 2:30AM and watching the sun set and rise just a few minutes later. I’ll never forget that image. We landed at the airport ad were met by our driver/translator and immediately went to our hotel. Later that day, we were driven to the orphanage to meet "Vika."

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Divorced Moms Wedding Hell Series Part 5

 

From www.divorcedmoms.com

 

Series Part 5 Marriage Hell: My (Very) Sad Wedding Day

by Lizzy Smith

June 09, 2014

How the heck did I end up married to a man I didn't love and then allow him to abuse me? Good question. I write my story in an effort to try to understand it myself. Welcome to the series, “Marriage Hell.”

The day of our wedding arrived and I got up really early. First, I started cutting up fruit for a gigantic fruit platter. It took forever as a sliced, cut and rinsed. I started crying while Rob slept soundly. When that was done, I started getting dressed. I loved my wedding dress, Morgan looked gorgeous in her pink flower girl dress, and Nicky looked so pretty, too. Rob wore navy linen shorts and a cream colored short sleeved shirt from Tommy Bahama. On his feet were nice leather men’s flip flops. It was a very nice look for all of us—pretty, casual, and perfect for an outdoor summer San Diego wedding.

By all accounts, our wedding and reception was going to be beautiful and fun. And yet I was in a panic. I had a vision. I wanted, more than anything I've ever wanted in my entire life, to get in my car, wedding dress and all, and drive to Tom's house and not show up for my wedding. I had a million scenarios in my head on how that would work. Just like in a movie. I'd show up on Tom's doorstep. He would be there, see me, I'd tell him I loved him and I almost made a big mistake. He'd grab me and kiss me and then we'd live happily ever after. I couldn't quite imagine in my head I would explain it all our wedding guests on why I didn't show up. Or how I'd tell Rob. Or how I'd move out of our big house and get out from under that financial albatross. Or how I’d explain to Morgan why I had made such a big mistake and then backtracked out of it and all of it was a big “never mind.”

Keep reading http://divorcedmoms.com/blogs/lizzy-smilez/series-part-5-marriage-hell-my-very-sad-wedding-day

Divorced Moms: Series Part IV Marriage Hell: My Wedding Day Looms. Help Me!

Published this morning on Divorced Moms!

Series Part 4 Marriage Hell: My Wedding Day Looms. Help Me!

by Lizzy Smith

June 05, 2014

 

How the heck did I end up married to a man I didn't love and then allow him to abuse me? Good question. I write my story in an effort to try to understand it myself. Welcome to the series, “Marriage Hell.”  

Rob and I moved into our new home on June 1 and our wedding was just two months later on August 4. The time between the two big events were insanely busy unpacking, getting settled, planning a wedding, and attempting to get our three kids established in their new routines and rules. Some days were fun. I loved having a home and really threw myself into painting and decorating and making our new home "ours." I loved nesting (when I wasn't on the verge of a panic attack).

There were days that I would think, "At 39 years old, I finally have what I've always wanted- a husband, children, home, good career, and pets. This is how it's supposed to be. I've arrived!”

And there were other days that I was not Ok at all. One day I was at work and was on a long and very boring conference call. I went to Realtor.com and there was the condo in Pacific Beach that my seven year old daughter and I were living in before we moved into our new home. It was officially for sale. I got teary. That was my house! I wanted it back more than anything. I didn’t want to be getting married. I didn’t want the big house. I wanted simplicity. I wanted cozy, cute and fresh. I wanted my old life back.

Instead, I switched sites and ordered my wedding dress online.

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Divorced Moms column: Series Part 2 Marriage Hell (or How I Ended Up Married to This Ass?)

Series Part 2 Marriage Hell (or How I Ended Up Married to This Ass?)
by Lizzy Smith                    

May 29, 2014

How the heck did I end up married to a man I didn't love and then allow him to abuse me? Good question. I write my story in an effort to try to understand it myself. Welcome to the series, “Marriage Hell.”

Rob and I were in the midst of purchasing our home that I didn’t want. We were getting ready to leave for our trip to the Bahamas to officially get engaged. And we had our first real argument. Before then, Rob was nothing but the perfect boyfriend. He was kind, attentive, thoughtful, happy, and calm. We had a very good relationship, actually. We had a lot of fun together, our children were all getting along, and Rob was quickly becoming my daughter’s dad. She loved him in all the sweet ways a child loves a dad and they were getting close. It melted my heart. This was the way it should be. This was my idealic image of a family and I was living it.

Our first argument started one evening when my ex husband asked if he could come over to borrow my computer; his internet was down. Since we got along decently and we had stopped having any kind of marriage or relationship in any way, shape or form for over five years, I allowed him to come over to my home. I was tired and went to bed in my bedroom with my daughter sleeping next to me, locked the door, and asked that he lock up on his way out.

Rob decided that same evening to come over in the middle of the night. When he did, he found my ex in my living room. There was nothing unacceptable going on. I was asleep and the ex was sitting on the couch with my computer on his lap and the TV and lights on. But Rob was furious. He left my condo and called me screaming. "I just went over to your house but guess who I found when I opened your door? Mac! What the HELL is he doing there?" Groggy from sleep, I tried to gather my thoughts. "He’s still here? Rob, I’m sorry but I’m sound asleep. And, as you can see, I’m alone in my bed with my bedroom door locked. I’m really sorry but he just came over to use my computer. That’s it,” I said. And then I started getting mad. What was Rob doing walking into my home, unannounced, in the middle of the night? Dangerous, actually (especially considering that I used to work for the National Rifle Association and knew a thing or two about protecting myself). And kind of creepy.

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Divorced Moms column: Marriage Hell Series Part 1: How I Ended Up Married to this Ass

As promised, here is the first in an eight part series of Marriage Hell, which is publishing on Divorced Moms every Monday and Thursday, beginning today.

Series Part 1 Marriage Hell (or How I Ended Up Marrying This Ass)
by Lizzy Smith                    

May 26, 2014

How the heck did I end up married to a man I didn't love and then allow him to abuse me? Good question. I write my story in an effort to try to understand it myself. Welcome to the series, “Marriage Hell.”

My path to marriage began with my ex boyfriend, Tom, the guy I really loved and the one who got away. When Tom and I broke up, I was devastated. I was nursing my shattered heart when I met Rob. Within a few weeks of dating, Rob asked me for a commitment. I said “not yet.” I was dating other guys and I told Rob that he should, too. He had been separated for just six months, after all (though I learned years later that Rob had only been separated for a few weeks and had lied to me about it). In my opinion, jumping from one relationship to the next is a sign of a really wounded guy in need of therapy, not a new girlfriend.

The first sample of Rob’s explosive temper came not too long after we started dating. I was at his home when he got a call from his ex wife. "Rob, I'm happy you're dating someone new, but you have kids so please take it slow," she said before Rob cut her off in a very loud booming voice (a voice I soon came to loathe): "I don't give a fuck what you think!" and he hung up on her. "Sorry," he said to me in a sheepish voice. “I learned that communication skill from her.”

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