Setting boundaries: Sticking up for ourselves is a really good idea

Oh, heart be still. This is one topic I am beyond passionate about-- setting boundaries! This holds true for all relationships in our lives-- human or otherwise. Because if we put up with horrible behavior, or behavior that hurts us, we pay a huge price for it. My latest via Divorced Moms.

Ready To End Up With A Jerk? Let Him Treat You Like Shit
by Lizzy Smith                    

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May 06, 2016

Tonight, I am horrified. I just spoke with a friend, “Dana” at a support group. Here was her question:

 

“I’m dating this guy that I’m super into. He is dating and sleeping with other women and has told me this. This really hurts and I’ve tried to be ok with it but I’m not. It really hurts. Am I being selfish for wanting monogamy?”

 

I almost fell out of my chair. And then I REALLY almost fell out of my chair when I heard others in the support group hem and haw. Many of the comments were a variation of “maybe.”

 

Are you fucking kidding me? I wanted to scream. But I thought better of it. Instead, I tried to be somewhat civil but I apparently came on too strong. I told her that…

• You are NOT being selfish EVER for expecting a guy to treat you well.
• If a relationship hurts, you (EVERYONE) should RUN and NEVER look back. That is true for a guy one is dating, a friend, an employer, neighbors, a religion… Because relationships that hurt are abusive.
• You should set high standards and boundaries and know that if those people (or entities) in your life violates them, hanging around is a really bad idea.
• You owe no one apologies for sticking up for yourself.
• You should trust your instincts and not be afraid to act on them.
• If he’s sleeping with other women, he’s just not that into you. Because if he was, he wouldn’t be out there looking for better. (I mean, if that’s ok with her, she either has super low self-esteem to put up with this or then she’s not “that into him” either.)
• Expecting monogamy is not all that high a standard to expect. (Sure, initially, if one sleeps with a guy super fast, you can't expect monogamy. But if you've been dating for awhile and he's still sleeping with others and not even making an effort to hide it from you, that says a lot for where he thinks your relationship is heading. If you're totally hip with that, proceed. But then again, why are you in a support group?)

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Why dating again immediately post split is a really bad idea. Do NOT do it!!

I have heard from several readers of late debating the wisdom of splitting from your spouse and then immediately jumping back into the dating scene. Ten to one, my readers agree with me. Many have made this mistake and have lived to regret it. Many have dated men who were fresh off a relationship. They agree that they inherited a fucked up mess in the head. Not fun after the hormones calm down a bit. Many women were the ones who jumped back into dating immediately and also regret it. They feel sorry for the guy who ended up with their messed up heads. They hurt people. They hurt themselves. Anyway, I felt compelled to write about the topic (again) on Divorced Moms. Here it is...

Just Split From Your Hubby? Do NOT Jump Back Into the Dating Game

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BY LIZZY SMITH

April 05, 2016

I have written a few articles about dating before one’s divorce is final.

Tempted to Date A Guy Who Just Split With His Wife? You're Nuts

Important Lessons From A Guy Who Dated Immediately Post Split

In my opinion, this is total insanity. There are a myriad of reasons why I believe this so strongly. They include:

You need time to emotionally heal

Don’t kid yourself (or anyone else) by claiming that you mourned the end of your marriage while still married. Or that you don’t love the guy anymore (maybe never did). Blah blah blah. Truth is, regardless of the state of your marriage prior to actually moving out and one of you filing for divorce (worse yet, for those who still may be living with their soon-to-be ex), you’re now in a whole new world. Being in a bad marriage, and then transitioning out of it, is a huge change and you need time to process it, reflect on your new life and where you want it to go, and come to terms with the mistakes you made in your marriage. Now is the time to focus on YOU. Get therapy. Start a new work-out routine. Indulge in retail therapy. Go for long walks and meditate. Take a girls-only vacation. Redecorate or re-organize your house. Jumping right into the dating scene will actually hamper your healing process. Sure, finding new love can assuage emotional pain, but feeling pain is part of healing. It must happen. It gets better. 

You’re still married

Call me old fashioned, but marriage matters. With that kind of commitment, the end of your marriage deserves your full attention. Inserting a third party into the mix is a potential disaster. It can cause all kinds of additional hurt feelings and confusion for you, your husband, and your children. Too many people are in too much pain, why add heaps more to satisfy your need to ignore it? 

You need to concentrate

Especially if your divorce is a high conflict one, you need to concentrate on the divorce proceedings. Keep your head in the game, stay clear. If you start dating a new guy, it will take your focus off of things that can have huge ramifications for your financial future. If you feel in love or emotionally “high,” you may be far more likely to rush your divorce to its finality regardless of the terms, which may not be in your best interests at all.

If you have children, they need you!

Your children are likely utterly confused and in unimaginable pain. The last thing they need is for their mom to be showing up with new men. Let them have “just you” for a while. Spend extra time with them—quality time. For every minute you spend looking for a new guy, you could be talking to your children.

It’s not fair to your date

While you’re still an emotional wreck, it simply is not fair to the guy you’re dating. In your transition phase, you are likely not at your best. When you do start dating again, you should be as emotionally healthy as possible, for your sake and his.

I did not follow my own advice and it was a huge mistake. I left my husband and two months later, I had an insatiable desire to see what the dating world was like. It had been so long since I felt love. I wanted to find a new crush and feel passion again. I told everyone (and myself) that I never loved my husband, felt nothing at all when I left him, and was happier than ever now that he was gone. I had mourned my marriage while still married. I was ready to date! Plus, honestly, I just wanted to know what my options were—a single mom of two daughters and with a terrible illness. I was literally going through chemo treatments, I was wearing a wig, and had almost no eyelashes left. Would any guy even want to date me? I had to find out.

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The ultimate goal in divorce.... peaceful silence. A guest post from Chris

From Divorced Moms this morning. Thanks, Chris! Great to "meet" you.

From A Guy's Perspective: Peaceful Silence

By Lizzy Smith and Chris

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March 11, 2016

I recently received a comment on my article, Finding Clarity: The Importance of Documenting Your Relationships from a guy named Chris, which we continued via email. His comments were supportive of point-of-view. He acknowledged the differences in our backstories but offered up his perspective on mine, which I love to hear. I especially love getting perspectives from men. So I asked Chris to write a guest post, as I believe he offers up a very different way of taking in a failed relationship.

Recently there were some heated discussions on social media about how best to respond to an abusive ex’s texts and emails. (I always suggest total silence—bullies love to victimize and if we finally stop allowing it to happen, they almost always show their true colors—they are cowards and the behavior stops.) As luck would have it, this is the topic Chris chose to write about. Silence.

In way of introducing Chris… it’s been many years since he and his ex-wife found a peaceful silence between them. Chris says that are no open loops, no unresolved conflicts, no ill will. About two years after their divorce was final, that peaceful silence just came to both of them, busy with their own new separate lives. Here’s that part of his story… Oh, to be so lucky to have a decent man for an ex! And either way, I think his story is an important one to ponder—moving on, being silent, making peace.

Beautiful, peaceful, necessary silence
By Chris

“There’s a time for departure, even when there’s no certain place to go.” (Tennessee Williams)

The most obvious time for departure came for my then-wife, “Emily”, after she’d made plans to leave. She had started planning long before, cutting threads, giving signals. She probably wanted me to leave, but I had no intention of leaving. I didn’t want her to leave, and didn’t think she actually would. We were both unhappy, but happiness and mutual respect meant more to her than it did to me.

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You go bald and see how it feels. It's like being naked

My latest via Divorced Moms. Have an amazing Valentine's weekend!

 

Bald and Naked. The Power and Beauty of Vulnerability

By Lizzy Smith                     

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February 13, 2016

One of the bright spots of my cancer diagnosis is that, over the years, I have met the most amazing people. Cancer warriors generally rock because it changes you and your entire life focus in an instant, and that’s usually a good thing. One such person I met during my journey is Pat who blogged at www.multiplemyelomablog.com. I took a lot of comfort in Pat’s writings because he gave knowledge, hope and cheer. Pat was often interviewed and during one, he teared up and said that he was on bonus time and that every day was a gift. He no longer feared things he once did—like walking down dark allies or airplane turbulence. No more sweating the small stuff. I am sad to report that Pat lost his battle with myeloma earlier this week due to complications from chemo. His powerful life and lessons remain.

Like Pat, I, too, fear life less these days. Pre diagnosis, turbulence terrified me, I hated birthdays because I was getting older and a step closer to death, heights made my palms sweat, and I approached life with an abundance of caution. I stayed in my dysfunctional and abusive marriage too long because I was afraid to leave it. I never did open my cupcake shop or doggy daycare center because… you guessed it, fear. Fear of failure. Fear that I would become more dependent on my husband, a man I grew to loathe more each day. I obsessed with the number of increasing grey hairs and wrinkles, realizing that I was getting older, which meant that employers would like me less, if I left my husband it would be harder to attract a date, and what if I didn’t have enough money to retire. Fear literally ruled everything I did.

And then cancer. Just like that, changed from fearful to fearless. True, I feared cancer, to an extent, except I knew in my gut I would beat it. I no longer was afraid of my husband. I left him, nothing was worth living another day with a tyrant. I didn’t fear the divorce. I stood in truth and courage and I looked forward to my day in court. I had a birthday (actually, I’ve had four more birthdays since cancer) and I celebrated each one joyfully (including the birthday I spent in the hospital). I might be getting older, I told myself, but, yay, I was still alive. On a flight to Copenhagen, we hit horrible turbulence. I didn’t even flinch. When I started dating again, I was just ME. I didn’t try to hide who I was, not my illness or my past, nothing. I was proud of my warrior status. I thought I was kind and honest and thoughtful. I was hardworking and loyal, sarcastic and demanding of myself and others. It was all there, like it or leave it, I was done pretending anything.

Liberating it felt. And it was good. Make that terrific.

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Want to make a great first impression? Here's how!

My latest via Divorced Moms. Enjoy!

Make A Great Impression On Him. 10 Things Men Love
by Lizzy Smith                    

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February 08, 2016

I know some pretty awesome guys that ladies tend to love. Basically, they're handsome, fit, successful, smart, and emotionally stable. I asked them what traits or behaviors they loved most when it came to a date. Here were their ten (mostly universal) answers.

1. Smart

"James" is definitely what most women consider a catch-- a very difficult catch. He's had loads of beautiful and amazing girlfriends and he's broken many hearts along Dating Lane. He finally married "Yolanda." What made Yolanda wife material? Without hesitating, he answered that she is the smartest girl he's ever dated. Yolanda does not have a doctorate degree, I observed, nor has the cured a disease, or advised world leaders on how to finally achieve peace. But, says James, she knows a little about everything. She is well-read, intellectually savvy, and can hold a conversation on just about any meaty topic. "I could talk to her for hours," James said. "It was incredibly sexy."

Lesson: You don't need to be more educated than the next girl, but it's not a bad idea to know a few things happening in the world around you. It makes holding a conversation a lot easier, and that is typically a good thing.

2. Adventurous

"Sam" opines that many women he's dated are too concerned about ruining her hair or makeup, making a fool of herself, or generally "letting go" that they are no longer fun. "I finally met 'Abby' and she was the most adventurous woman I have met," he said. "Abby will go swimming in the ocean with me. let me teach her how to surf, she is a better snowboarder than me, and will eat almost anything that she hasn't tried before. She is fun and I've done many new things because of her, like go to a ballet, visited museums, and traveled to several national parks." I couldn't wait for our next date because she was always up for trying something different or new. She's now my girlfriend and we are really happy together."

Lesson: Many men care less about physical perfection and far more about a woman who is confident and interesting. Pitch the idea that your eye makeup might smudge and go have fun. If he's not suggesting it, you should set it up-- like go horseback riding, take a nature hike, or even walk homeless dogs.

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From Divorced Moms: Differences can be strengths in your relationship

My latest via Divorced Moms.

When Differences Become Strengths In Your Relationship

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January 28, 2016

How many times have we entered a new relationship with the guy of our dreams and then… proceed to try and change him? The relationships starts out exciting and he is perfect—the way he dresses, smells, his hobbies. Sure his friends might be a little annoying and you have yet to meet his kids, but those are all minor (especially since the sex is so great). Ok, well, maybe you really aren’t crazy about the way he eats or his restaurant choices, or the fact that he love college basketball and you hate it. He also misuses his favorite word, poignant, and that drives you insane. In fact, now that you really think about it, it’s clear he doesn’t even know what that word (plus a whole lot more) even means. Still, Mr. Hottie is perfect, quirks and all. Right?

It’s now many months into the relationship and when he takes you to dinner at his favorite dive, you’re not amused. He knows you’re trying to be healthy and shed a few pounds yet he’s treating you to a night of overly-oiled and cheesed-up pasta, bread and a bottle of cheap wine. “This is a poignant moment,” he says gleefully. You smile but want to smack him. “WRONG WORD CHOICE,” you want to scream.

You manage to keep your mouth shut and smile (this time). Instead, you decide to subtly start changing him (you hope he won’t even notice). A few tweaks here and there and your guy really will be perfect.

You buy him some new clothes because you can’t stand his sweats and oversized San Diego Chargers jersey. Hooray, he wears them without protest! You start cooking more meals at home—grilled fish and veggies, red beans, fresh fruit. He eats them! Instead of agreeing to a couple’s fishing trip, you book London for seven days that includes museums, a play, and a day at The Tower. He goes with you and it’s one of your favorite trips ever.

…But then he starts resenting you. You start arguing over … the game on TV, movie choices, the color of the comforter (you want to buy him a new one), what to buy at the grocery store. Life is suddenly contentious. Fun and satisfying relationship is vanishing fast. What happened?

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Stop Hating Your Man's Ex!

I am back from a six week sabbatical from writing for Divorced Moms because I was just too sick and mentally not capable of putting thoughts to paper. That is until my daughters went out to visit their step sisters in San Diego this past weekend. Notice that their dad, Bob the Great (Alcoholic) was absent-- not because he was out of town but, rather, because he was sitting in a bar by noon (really, who needs to start drinking before lunch? That's right, an alcoholic). I have a close friend who lives in Pacific Beach and sees Bob around town quite frequently and on Saturday, when the girls were at Belmont Park, Bob was across the street (literally) in a bar knocking back drinks. He has chosen a life of drinking over being a dad to all four children. Alcoholism is such a pathetic disease. 

Anyhoo, while my daughters were in San Diego, all four girls spent time with a woman I once despised-- Rob's ex-wife, "Tina". I've written about this before but we women need to really stop taking sides when it comes to the men in our lives and their ex's. I wasted so much time taking sides against Tina when, in reality, she is an awesome person and I consider her a very good friend of mine. She is smart, funny and witty. And, if you ask my girls, she is fun and a great cook. During my marriage, instead of forging positive relationships, I sided with a man who was abusive, a bully, explosive, and a liar. This choice of mine hurt everyone-- the children (particularly Bob and Tina's kids), Tina, me... Because I helped enable Bob to continue drinking, not owning up to his behavior, and continually going after Tina in court. Shame on me. I have done my best to apologize and make amends (which Tina has accepted) and I am writing about this topic so that hopefully, a few women will take my advice and do the same. 

What should you do and how should you behave if you're in this situation? At a minimum, shut your mouth. When your guy talks poorly about his ex, give him hugs and say things like "I'm so sorry that is happening." Now start watching him carefully-- maybe HE was the problem in the relationship. This would be a warning flag. Either way, whether is an innocent awesome guy or a tyrant, remember that "silence is golden." When you run into your guy's ex, try smiling, saying hello. Better yet, introduce yourself if that's comfortable. I ran into my current husband's ex wife at a football game. I walked up to her and we hugged. No drama between us and I'll be damned if it's not going to stay that way. Because adding gasoline to a burning fire is just shameful and, well, it is wrong. Don't do it. And, most important of all, never (like EVER) say bad things about the ex in front of the kids.  

I'll be done here, you can read more below.

Peace, Lizzy  

Lesson From The Celebrity World: Be Nice to Your Guys' Ex

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January 25, 2016

My daughters just returned home from a trip to San Diego to hang with their two (former) step sisters, Kellie and Nicky. (They did not, unfortunately see their dad because he was too busy sitting in a bar getting wasted off his ass. A friend of mine who lives in his neighborhood saw sent me a text with the news. Very sad.) Anyway, guess who else the girls spent time with? My former arch nemesis: the ex-wife of my former husband, Rob the Great (Alcoholic).

If you had told me that my daughters would ever be in the presence of "THAT WOMAN,” I'd have called you Crazy. After all, I detested her because I believed everything Rob told me: she was evil, mean, manipulative, a horrible person, and an incompetent mother who just wanted his money and didn't want to work. Kind and loving girlfriend that I was, I hopped right in the middle of their relationship (at his insistence and encouragement, mind you). Over our years together, I helped Rob write and edit court documents, glared at Tina when we crossed paths in public, and generally consoled Rob for the years he spent with the Evil Bitch. I discovered his alcoholism and tried like hell to get him well. It all failed.

It didn’t take long for me to realize that the things Rob said about Tina were not exactly accurate and there probably was a whole other side to their story. During my marriage to Rob, I found myself on the receiving end of what Tina put up with for years—the rage, abuse, bullying, and explosiveness of an alcoholic tyrant.

…And then one day, I had enough. I called the police during one explosive drunken screaming fit, had Rob removed from our home, and called Tina, hoping to high heaven she would actually speak to me. She did. She listened, she consoled. Soon she became one of my biggest allies and supporters during a really horrific divorce.

Hmmm....

How many women do we know who have done some version of the same? Go after Mr. Amazing’s ex? I get it0-- it is tempting to get sucked in to the drama because Mr. Amazing seems perfect. Plus, he wants (and needs) support. Except maybe he is not so perfect. Maybe the ex knows a lot more about him than anyone else.

Today, I stumbled on the story of Christie Brinkley and her ex-husband, Peter Cook. They had a hateful divorce amidst Peter's cheating allegations with very young women. He remarried a woman named Suzanne, yet he and Christie continued battling in court. Suzanne stood by Peter and defended him. During one court hearing according to Page Six, Christie said to Suzanne that when Peter did the same things to her, she would be there. It didn’t take long. Page Six obtained an email that Suzanne wrote to Peter: “To think you fought Christie, the mother of your children, for custody, knowing what you were, knowing what you did … trolling the internet … filming your prostitute. Covertly photographing... and so much more.”

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Cheater Cheater. When Is It Ok To Start Dating Again Post Split?

My latest via Divorced Moms. A touchy, but oh so important, topic. And one I feel passionately about.

Are You Cheating By Dating Before Your Divorce Is Final?
by Lizzy Smith (for Divorced Moms)                    

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December 05, 2015

Several weeks ago, I got an email from a reader asking if I thought that dating before your divorce was final was considered cheating. This, honestly, is a complicated question. Sure, the marriage is over, the two of you have officially split, the divorce petition is filed… So, is it ok to jump into dating? And, if you do, while likely hurtful to your soon-to-be ex, is it considered cheating?

I’m going to say that, yes, it is cheating. And if it isn’t cheating, it definitely is wrong. And the reasons are many. I speak with experience. As I’ve written a million times, I despised my now ex-husband while we were married. I never loved him. He was a volatile, mean and abusive alcoholic. He was evil and frightening at times. When I finally left him in the wake of my cancer diagnosis, I was so over it (and him). Yet… when we left, there were two very confused and hurt children. I was sick (extremely sick, like life-threatening sick). We were confused and scared… There were so many unresolved issues between my ex and me, like filing for divorce, all of my belongings were still in our shared home, we had many assets to divide, even dogs that needed to be split. Life was so “up in the air.” While the girls and I were trying to settle and make sense of a life that none of us chose or foresaw coming, and I was getting chemo and losing my hair and dropping weight at an alarming rate, my husband was on dating sites within days of our departure. Within several weeks, he had a new girlfriend, the one he is with some four years later. It was devastating to me to think that while we were in such turmoil, he was having new sex with a woman he just met and enjoying the start of a new relationship. And, truly, what was this very emotionally sick man doing dating instead of healing, dealing with his severe alcoholism, and concentrating on confused and bewildered children.

As he dated so quickly, what was he teaching his two older children about family and marriage? That is mean absolutely nothing at all. It was all just so… so WRONG.

And for the new woman in his life, I had to wonder what kind of idiot dated a man under these circumstances. And why she chose to hop into the middle of someone else’s marriage and complex divorce. As a survivor herself of a divorce, she knew how horrible the entire process could be. While my ex and I had split, for her, dating a guy under such horrible circumstances meant she was dating a major asshole with huge unresolved emotional issues. Why would any woman do something so stupid on purpose? I had to think she was as emotionally sick as he was. And she had now inherited a deeply sick, disturbing man. Have fun! (And guess what, he hasn't change a bit. A friend of mine who lives in Rob the Great Alcoholic's  neighborhood sees him pounding drinks at bars all over town.)

And for me… it made me dig my heels into the proverbial sand when it came to our divorce even that much harder. If he wanted to enjoy having fun while I was so sick and the kids were so hurt, I was even less willing to have conversations with him that would make the divorce easier on him. I knew what I was owed (a lot, considering I loaned him a ton of money to pay off his former wife) and I was hell-bent on making sure I got exactly what I was entitled to.

So, based on my experience (and the experiences of others I know), here is why, if you ask me, you should refrain yourself from dating until after your divorce is final (even if your husband is jumping back in already):

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Why Do Some (Mormon) Adults Feel The Need To Narc on Each Other?

So I had an interesting exchange between some Mormon women who are in the single's dating scene (which, honestly, is a freak show of indescribable proportions). One woman shared this story...

"Suzie" met a guy on an on-online Mormon dating web site. Ok, forget anonymity, she met him on LDS Planet. They communicated for a few months and then he drives some five hours to visit her in Las Vegas. She makes him dinner in her home. Afterwards, he announces he has no hotel and so she allows him to sleep on her couch. I just have to repeat this: She allows a man she has never met before and who, really, she doesn't know more than some guy named Joe from Iceland, sleep on her couch and she lives alone. My head hurts just typing this. Suzie goes to bed. At some time in the middle of the night, money-less dream-guy who drove five hours to visit her gets in bed with her and tries to get a little naughty. Nice Mormon woman that she is, she is horrified, insulted and revolted. She tells him to get out. He does, but not until he calls her a prude and all kinds of other names.

Suzie is ranting. What is wrong with these priesthood holders? She screams out. All kinds of women go to her defense. Seriously, these men who hold the priesthood and go to the temple and are good Mormon men should know better, treat women with respect, and all of that. Blah blah blah. I have to remind them that people are people regardless of religious affiliation! Are they for real?

One woman tells Suzie that next time a guy comes to visit, have some married friends allow him to stay in their home. I had to respond to that one. Seriously, WTF. "Do NOT ask your friends to allow some guy you don't know at all to camp out in their home! The safety aspects alone ought to be your first clue that this is a REALLY bad idea."

Duh. Seriously, how old are these women? They are 12-year olds stuffed into adult bodies, that's who they are.

Another says that she needs to contact this guy's bishop and tell on him. Call the guy's Relief Society president, too.

Another WTF. Am I living on Mars or are these women dumber than a box of rocks. I responded to this one, too: "Um, why are you tattling on an adult to another adult? I don't allow my children to narc on each other. They guy did nothing illegal. Granted, he's a major ass but you invited him! Besides, what, exactly is an overworked Bishop going to do anyway? Take his car keys away for a week? Cut off his phone for the weekend?"

Oh, the shaming I got after that comment. "The bishop needs to know! These men need to be called out for their behavior! You think you know everything, Lizzy!" (I didn't say this but, in comparison to this group, well, unfortunately I kind of do.)

I responded with this: "Church shouldn't be a place of shaming and punishing. Church is about learning of Jesus, repentance, developing a relationship with God-- you get the gist. Maybe the guy has a lot of work left to be done, but it's not for a Bishop to shame or punish him for behavior that isn't illegal. And, if he wants to be an ass, it is his prerogative."

And then I had to offer up some Lizzy dating advice, even though it was not solicited (or, dare I say, appreciated). But, really, total stupidity cannot be left ignored because I have a Big Fat Mouth and lots to say. And I have not been given the ability to zip it. I wrote this:

Dating Ladies, Let's be happy that loverboy didn't slit Suzie's throat, rape her, or (as far as we know) steal her identity and drain all her bank accounts. Next, know that she put herself in a highly dangerous situation. He should not have known where she lived. She never should have allowed him in her home. She definitely should not have allowed him a sleepover. He should not know where she works or where her children live. He should, at this point, know almost nothing about her minus her name. They should have met in a (very) public place for dinner. She should have told MANY friends exactly where she was going, when she was expected home, and who she was meeting up with. If the guy did anything illegal, she needs to call the authorities, not a Bishop or Relief Society president. Otherwise, as adults, we don't go tattle telling hoping someone else will fix the un-fixable."

I got this back: "He is Mormon. He is an active priesthood holder. What happened to trust?"

Me: "Mormon women have a reputation for being extremely gullible. STOP it. You have no idea who this guy is. Do a background check. Check social media to make sure he is who he says he is (and isn't married). Verify. Trust develops over a period of time, you don't automatically dole it out. Keep yourself safe. And, when you make huge mistakes, learn from them. You are an adult."

Call me a bitch. Call me whatever you want. But, seriously, this whole Mormon mindset among adults of "when life goes wrong, tattle to the Bishop" is so completely absurd that my head wants to explode. Yesterday, my 15-year old comes to me and said, "Siena called me a bitch." Me: "What exactly would you like me to do about it?" Morgan: "Tell her to stop." Me: "You have a voice. You tell her to stop." Do we parents really not teach our children to start handling their own problems? If my child is bleeding or her sister beats the shit out of her, I want to know. If something dangerous or abusive is going on, I'm all ears. Short of that, deal with it, because that is part of becoming an adult. A skill that far too many Mormon women have yet to develop. Sad. Dangerous, actually.