Verbal Abuse Via Text. Another Crazy Exchange with Rob the Great Alcoholicc

Here is my latest column via Divorced Moms. Happy Labor Day weekend, my dear readers!

Lizzy

Alcoholism Hell. A Text "Conversation" With My Drunk Abusive Ex Hubby
By Lizzy Smith                   

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September 05, 2016

During my marriage to Rob the Great (Alcoholic), I was often left scratching my head on how we could be getting along one minute and the next – bam! – we would get in the biggest arguments one could imagine. Of course, looking back on my life married to a drunk, it was the alcoholic. Unstable, mean, makes no sense at all, world of alcoholism.

Flash forward to today, I am happily divorced from The Drunk and have rebuilt my life. I still struggle with my health (myeloma, a blood cancer) and try to be a good mom (even though I too often fail). But at least I’m away from the severe abuse that accompanies an addict.

And so after four years of not speaking, texting or emailing Rob, and his total abandonment of two daughters, he reappeared in February, texting and calling the girls on a regular basis. I was happy and relieved. I prayed often begging God that he would stick around this time. I was hopeful. He invited Mo (our 16 year old) out to San Diego to spend five days with him, he bought her a plane ticket. This was happening!

About a week before “Mo’s” scheduled departure, I got a text from Rob. My heart stopped. Because his communications would often send me into anxiety attacks. They could be so brutally mean and awful. And going back and reading this exchange, I had proof right in front of me that perfectly illustrates my point that Rob was and still is explosive and unpredictable. And a drunk (his many promises to quit drinking have not happened—he is as awful as ever). Words are powerful, especially in the written form, because you can come back to them. And here it goes snippets of our text exchange… (some edits were made to get rid of typos)

August 3, 11:02 AM from Rob to me (Rob is likely sober at this time of day)

Sorry to hear [you are sick]. I did not know [that]. Take care.

My note: Back when I was diagnosed with Stage III multiple myeloma, I told Rob about my diagnosis. He filed outrageous documents with Family Court saying that I wasn’t sick, that I needed to get back to work, and I was making this all up to get sympathy from people. I filed letters from my oncologist – letters that Rob received copies of letters from my oncologist that detailed my health status. Still, Rob denied I was sick, and told mutual friends and his family that I was just trying to get his money. It was disgusting.

From me to Rob
“I’ve been sick for 4.5 years! And I’m in Washington, DC often in a clinical trial at NIH. You know I’ve been sick.

From Rob to me
I didn’t mean to upset you. Last I read about it. You were in remission. That was years ago. I don’t go on social media and only know what I last saw. Now I know. I’m hopeful the trials go well and you recover. Take care.

My note: Maybe there is hope that Rob and I can get along. Maybe he has grown a soul. Cross fingers, crossing fingers. Pray.

It is now 4:19 PM when Rob reappears via text. By now, he has likely been at a bar for over an hour. He often leaves work really super early, takes his work phone and answers emails so his boss and coworkers think he’s still “working.” Instead, he is typically getting wasted. Seriously, some of his “best friends” are bartenders and cocktail waitresses. It’s so sad. Luckily, he works for a utility company and it’s nearly impossible to get fired. The most incompetent employees get promoted or shuttled off to another department so he becomes someone else’s problem.

4:19 PM text from Rob to me
Where is the new dad? (Referring to my husband of about a year)

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Bully me? Ok, TRY IT!

I haven't written in awhile because: 1) my kids are out of school for the summer and I didn't have time; 2) my myeloma relapsed and I've been in more doctor's offices than I can count and is it ever time consuming; 3) I was trying to make peace with my ex husband, Rob the Great (Alcoholic). But I am back! Mostly because Rob has given me so much fresh content and it's so unbelievable crazy that I have to share. Trust me, living among an alcoholic is one of the most AWFUL experiences one can imagine. And the things an alcoholic is capable of doing is stunning and limitless. So here's to writing again, sharing my story, and hopefully letting others out there know that they are not alone.


Open Letter To The Biggest Asshole on the Planet, My Ex Husband
By Lizzy Smith
                   

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August 28, 2016

Many women think their ex is Satan. And maybe he is. But my ex is a special evil kind of man. The lowest of the low. A liar. A bully. And a drunk.

When I got a cancer diagnosis, he literally spit in my face. He is so disgusting, there are truly no words.

When my ex (Rob the Great [Alcoholic]) and I split, he vanished from our two daughters' lives. I mean, he totally disappeared-- no birthday cards, phone calls or texts. He literally shattered their hearts. They didn't understand why. They blamed themselves. It was HORRIBLE. For four years, silence. He blamed it on my blog but this man vanished from their lives some 10 months before I wrote a single word about him.

And then, out of the blue, in February he started calling and texting the girls almost every day. We were all stunned. Why now? What was his motive? My oldest was very guarded in her communication with him, terrified he would just vanish again. Eventually, though, they started warming up to him. A few months later, he invited our oldest daughter, "Mo", to visit him for five days in San Diego and he offered to pay her flight and all their activities. It was a scary but an exciting invite so we said yes. I was truly supportive of their rebuilding their relationship.

About a week before Mo's departure, Rob started texting me with all kinds of bizarre demands, which I will detail later. All of these demands included "if you don't do xyz, I will cut the girls out of my life again." One "request" included my putting in writing that I would end my friendship with his ex wife, Tina (we are great friends), and his two daughters until HE decided I could have a relationship with them again.

Say what? What are we, ten years old? Hell no, I would NOT agree to that because The Drunk does NOT dictate my adult friendships. Another request required Mo helping perpetuate a Big Huge Myth of Rob's real living situation. Those details I will write about later, too. I told Mo that we don't lie or help others lie- ever - and she could say and do anything that was in her good judgement regardless of what Rob was demanding.

All this aside, I was as nice and accommodating with Rob as I could be. I thanked him. I told him how happy Mo was. I did not want to trigger a Rob explosion because, trust me, they are bizarre and frightening. I even fantasized that maybe Rob and I could maintain a decent relationship for the girls' sake. Maybe this was a whole new dynamic and we could do this. We could be adults, move forward. Rainbows and flowers. One could hope, right?

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Cheater Cheater. When Is It Ok To Start Dating Again Post Split?

My latest via Divorced Moms. A touchy, but oh so important, topic. And one I feel passionately about.

Are You Cheating By Dating Before Your Divorce Is Final?
by Lizzy Smith (for Divorced Moms)                    

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December 05, 2015

Several weeks ago, I got an email from a reader asking if I thought that dating before your divorce was final was considered cheating. This, honestly, is a complicated question. Sure, the marriage is over, the two of you have officially split, the divorce petition is filed… So, is it ok to jump into dating? And, if you do, while likely hurtful to your soon-to-be ex, is it considered cheating?

I’m going to say that, yes, it is cheating. And if it isn’t cheating, it definitely is wrong. And the reasons are many. I speak with experience. As I’ve written a million times, I despised my now ex-husband while we were married. I never loved him. He was a volatile, mean and abusive alcoholic. He was evil and frightening at times. When I finally left him in the wake of my cancer diagnosis, I was so over it (and him). Yet… when we left, there were two very confused and hurt children. I was sick (extremely sick, like life-threatening sick). We were confused and scared… There were so many unresolved issues between my ex and me, like filing for divorce, all of my belongings were still in our shared home, we had many assets to divide, even dogs that needed to be split. Life was so “up in the air.” While the girls and I were trying to settle and make sense of a life that none of us chose or foresaw coming, and I was getting chemo and losing my hair and dropping weight at an alarming rate, my husband was on dating sites within days of our departure. Within several weeks, he had a new girlfriend, the one he is with some four years later. It was devastating to me to think that while we were in such turmoil, he was having new sex with a woman he just met and enjoying the start of a new relationship. And, truly, what was this very emotionally sick man doing dating instead of healing, dealing with his severe alcoholism, and concentrating on confused and bewildered children.

As he dated so quickly, what was he teaching his two older children about family and marriage? That is mean absolutely nothing at all. It was all just so… so WRONG.

And for the new woman in his life, I had to wonder what kind of idiot dated a man under these circumstances. And why she chose to hop into the middle of someone else’s marriage and complex divorce. As a survivor herself of a divorce, she knew how horrible the entire process could be. While my ex and I had split, for her, dating a guy under such horrible circumstances meant she was dating a major asshole with huge unresolved emotional issues. Why would any woman do something so stupid on purpose? I had to think she was as emotionally sick as he was. And she had now inherited a deeply sick, disturbing man. Have fun! (And guess what, he hasn't change a bit. A friend of mine who lives in Rob the Great Alcoholic's  neighborhood sees him pounding drinks at bars all over town.)

And for me… it made me dig my heels into the proverbial sand when it came to our divorce even that much harder. If he wanted to enjoy having fun while I was so sick and the kids were so hurt, I was even less willing to have conversations with him that would make the divorce easier on him. I knew what I was owed (a lot, considering I loaned him a ton of money to pay off his former wife) and I was hell-bent on making sure I got exactly what I was entitled to.

So, based on my experience (and the experiences of others I know), here is why, if you ask me, you should refrain yourself from dating until after your divorce is final (even if your husband is jumping back in already):

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Life Wallowing in Acoholic Hell. My exchange with a reader who is married to an alcoholic

I had an excellent comment from a reader to my latest Divorced Moms article, His Ex Couldn't Fix Him, And You Likely Can't Either.  I would like to share with you because it is one more testament from someone besides me that life with an alcoholic is universally AWFUL and it doesn't get better. If one thing is true, it is this: alcoholics are so incredibly predictable that it us uncanny. They are highly manipulative, accusatory, and blame everything and everyone for their behavior but themselves. They are also liars. This pattern is part of their disease and you have zero power to fix it or cajole him or her into seeking help. Here is another fact: It is not ever going to get better. Ok, for a few people it might. But that "better" takes YEARS of hardcore therapy and it comes at a HUGE emotional, financial and physical toll to everyone around them, including (especially) YOU. Sound awesome? Of course not! It is HORRID. So, again, if you are living with an alcoholic (or drug addict) SAVE YOURSELF. How can you do that? One word: LEAVE. When? NOW. And here you go for the comment...

Fed up
September 01, 2015

I so know the feeling.  My poor excuse of a husband/father is an alcoholic. Finally after 14 years I'm ready to finally file for divorce.  He lost his job in May and instead of trying his hardest to find a job to support his family he lies and drinks.  I am glad to say he has run out of funds and being I will not support a man or so called man he is pretty much screwed.  I tried for years to help him but in reality enabled him by hearing his excuses about his former wife and his zero interest in his daughter yet blamed me for that rift. I finally am putting my girl pants on and moving on.  I've wasted enough energy and time on this loser. I'm sure he will say I was hard to please but if acting like a responsible provider over an alcoholic is being a difficult wife I am ok with that.  Setting myself free and showing my son what life without stress is well worth it.

Lizzy Smith
September 01, 2015

Dear Fed up,

Thank you for your comment. I truly hope you save yourself because you cannot save him. Here is one thing I learned from my ex-husband's therapist: He must bottom out before he begins to seek real help. Just quitting isn't enough. He is still the same guy whether he is drinking AT THAT MOMENT, drunk or sober because without REAL hardcore professional help over a period of YEARS, he is still the same guy. Alcohol drives everything he does-- he either is drinking, hung-over, or wants to drink. And if he is in therapy and no longer drinking, it will take YEARS for him to develop adult coping skills because he had ONE coping skill (alcohol) and it no longer exists so now, without the alcohol, he has NO coping skills. He will become less likable without the alcohol (how could that be possible?). And at that moment, I lost all hope in repairing the relationship. Life with an alcoholic was/is HOPELESS and I was looking at THE REST OF MY LIFE in Hell if I stayed. I knew then that it was done, over, and we were on borrowed time. I began plotting my escape. 

Do not believe the blame he places at your feet. My ex, too, blamed me for the terrible relationship he had with his first wife and daughters. Heck, he blamed me (or his job) for EVERYTHING. It was my fault he drank too much, too! Let it fall on deaf ears. It's not true and it's part of their manipulation and lies. They are, if nothing else, so incredibly predictable.

Stay in touch and know that a far clearer, brighter and more beautiful life is out there for you. The healing stage can be painful but it also ROCKS. 

Lizzy

Divorced Moms column: Marriage Hell - I Wish You Had A Bigger Heart

One of my more brutally honest blog posts, edited, scrubbed up and published on Divorced Moms. Life with an alcoholic is universally a sad, volatile experience. Enjoy!

Marriage Hell: I Wish You Had A Bigger Heart
by Lizzy Smith                    

May 14, 2015

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Back when Bob the Great (Alcoholic) and I were married, we went on a cruise with his whole family. His parents paid for everyone to go, which was incredibly generous, thoughtful and kind. One day on the ship, there was a newlywed game. Bob and I were going to enter the contest since we had been married for just over a year at the time but we didn't. I didn't even go to the game but Bob did. He gave me the summary when we met back up. One question that they asked was "I wish my wife had a bigger ....." Bob said that if we were playing the game, he would've answered "I wish my wife had a bigger heart."

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"You can be cold," he answered. "I wish you looked at me more lovingly."

Nice, I thought. And I wish you had a bigger commitment to not drinking. I wish you wouldn't scream. I wish you could handle stress. I wish you would finally start paying the bills. I wish you would help around the house. I wish you would stop getting in my face. I wish you wouldn't make promises and break them all. I wish you would stop acting as if you're the most important person in the whole utility company where you work and blame your job for why you have to hit the bars every night before you come home. I wish I wish I wish I wish. Well, maybe if you were a better man, I wouldn't be so cold. I wish I loved you. I wish I liked you. I wish I respected you. I wish you weren't an alcoholic. I wish you'd stop blaming me for why you drink. I wish you'd start taking responsibility. I wish you'd stop sitting your fat ass on the couch and watching TV while you watch me work like a dog. I wish you'd stop going to bed at eight o'clock at night. I wish you weren't so lazy. I wish you were better in bed. I wish you had morals.

When we got off the ship, Bob made a commitment not to drink anymore. "Please go with me to AA," he said. Absolutely! We went to two meetings together. Apparently, Rob kept going for a few more weeks until his daughter called me one day to say her dad wasn't at AA, he was at his favorite bar. I drove there looking for him. No car in the front. I was in the parking lot when his friend, Kevin, came out. "Is Bob in there?" I asked. He nodded. I drove around the back of the bar and there was Bob's car- hidden from view just in case I drove past.

I walked into the bar. "Hi!" I said in an overly cheerful voice.

"This is non alcoholic beer," he said. Sure it was (wink-wink)!

A few days later, I gave Bob a big huge pass. His dad went into the hospital and it was awful. He wasn't doing well. One day, we were at his bedside and he had a moment of clarity. "Don't forget to let me tell you what happened," he said. He had just come out of a few days of near unconsciousness. I kept reminding Bob to ask his dad what he meant. He probably had seen angels or family or whoever. I wanted to know. He never got the chance to ask him because he passed away shortly thereafter. It was on a Sunday.

 Bob's dad was a great man. Kind and generous. I never heard that man speak ill of anyone. He was wonderful with the children. They would sit on his lap and he would talk to them endlessly. I never saw him light up more than when the kids were around. Siena still talks about him often.
Bob, no surprise, started drinking again with a vengeance after his dad passed away but before the funeral. And boy oh boy did I get an earful about how he felt about his dad. Much of it positive, a whole lot that wasn't. I was writing and delivering the eulogy and I wanted to smack him. Get off the fucking booze, sober up, and shut the fuck up, I wanted to scream. I loved his dad. I was working hard to help out his mother by doing the eulogy, planning the logistics of food and beverage for the wake, writing the obit, and working with my meeting planner to organize the funeral luncheon. Bob was at the bars. Still, I said nothing. He was in mourning and grief and I tried to give him as many hugs and as much comfort as I could. It was a tough one-- feeling empathy and utter disgust at the same time.

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Divorced Moms: Marriage Hell-- You have a tiny penis and you suck in bed

From Divorced Moms.

Marriage Hell: You Have A Tiny Penis & You Suck In Bed
by Lizzy Smith                    

March 16, 2015

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In case you missed it, I was married to a highly functioning, raging alcoholic who was verbally and emotionally abusive. And on the eve of my cancer diagnosis, I finally had enough and left him for good.

Throughout our marriage, our typical fighting pattern went like this: Rob would get drunk (or want to get drunk) and scream at me in that horrid pitch that only Rob can reach. Ninety percent of the time, I'd walk away. After all, arguing with a drunk is pointless. But that would never be good enough for Rob. He'd follow me around the house. Sometimes I'd say something like, "I'm walking away from you. Go away." In which case he'd respond by screaming some more with this crazed, glazed look in his eyes. If it was a weekend, I'd pack up the girls and me and go stay in a hotel or stay with my best friends in Long Beach before coming back. And then Rob would start texting or emailing me horrible messages, which I'd ignore for a day or two. And then I'd start responding. It would take two to four days before Rob would calm down enough and apologize for his ridiculous behavior and promise to go to help with his drinking problem. And, of course, that would never happen. He'd say he was at an AA meeting when, in fact, he was drinking at the San Diego Brewing Co instead.

Rob always accused me of having a huge temper. I can honestly say that I deserve a medal for the most part for ignoring his stupid behavior. Until I didn't. That one out of 10 times that I decided to fight back got ugly because I was ready to defend myself (finally) with every ounce of energy I had.

So this time I told him what I really thought about him but always had the somewhat good sense beforehand to not say. Because this time, I wanted to finish the marriage, make Rob hate me enough that he would never attempt to come back. I wanted him gone forever. So I told him the following:

You have the smallest penis ever

You suck in bed

You're beer belly is disgusting 

I never loved you (true statement)
When I met Rob, he was simply a guy to hang out with while I tried to mend my shattered heart from a prior relationship. Rob was really good at selling himself as a good, honest, sweet guy who simply had been terrorized by his ex wife who never appreciated what a great guy he really was. He seemed innocent and kind and helpful. He was great with my daughter and good to me. This is what Rob does-- when there's an audience, he's "on it". And he was aggressively pursuing me. When we purchased our home and got married, I didn't love him at all. I liked and respected him and thought we could have a good future together as companions and parents. The problem was, Rob is none of the things he portrays himself to be. And once I figured that out, ever learning to love him was impossible.

I cheated on you (not true)
I told Rob that I cheated on him with my ex boyfriend Tom. I knew this would cut through his heart. Rob's ex-wife had an affair when they were married and it had traumatized him. I told Rob that I cheated on him and his next wife would cheat on him, too, because he was a horrible husband. Well, that part is true. He is a horrible partner. Unpredictable, volatile, a liar, a hair trigger temper, mean and lazy. But I never cheated on him.

There! Now I knew he'd never come back. I finally poured gasoline on top of my marriage, lit a match, and watched it burn.

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Divorced Moms: Marriage Hell-- One of us is crazy, is it me? My need to validate

From Divorced Moms.

Marriage Hell: One Of Us Is Crazy, Is It Me? My Need To Validate
by Lizzy Smith                     

March 13, 2015                             

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Real names have been changed in this article.

Pretty much every abuser puts his victim down endlessly. In my case, my ex husband, Rob the Great (Alcoholic) was no different. (I call my ex Rob the Great because he constantly told me what a "great guy" he was and how I simply failed to realize it and appreciate him.) During the course of our marriage, he said things like:

• Without him, I wouldn't have a job. We worked for the same company. He claimed that it was his great power within the company that I got the job to begin with, though I was beyond qualified and experienced for that position and no one in my entire department, including my hiring manager, had even heard of Rob. Add to that, there were strict regulations that prevented him from having any input in hiring for my position and, if he had, he could have been fined, fired, and prosecuted.
• I worked in the dumbest part of the company. I worked in corporate communications and Rob loved to tell me that everyone knew that everyone in my department was worthless and we never really did anything all day. All we did was look good and go to parties, he said.
• I couldn't survive live without him. In San Diego, we had a 15-hour power outage. Rob came home that evening drunk and screaming at me that without him, the children and I would be screwed.
• He was the best dad ever and our children liked him more than they liked me. I was boring and worthless. 
• He made so much money and was so successful and I could never financially handle life without him.  
• If I left him, he'd find another girlfriend in a second because there were so many women out there looking for a great guy like him and I would never find another man.

When I was diagnosed with cancer and fled our home and moved to Utah to enter treatment, I received horrible messages. Here's one example:

From: Rob
To: Lizzy
Subject: This is YOU baby!!!!
Everyone in my life hates you and is glad you're gone. Nicky can't believe that you took the girls after I started all over and agreed to raise kids again. The girls love me and miss their dad and I'll tell them it's your fault, baby, that they were taken away from their loving dad. Kelly hates you. She is getting so much more from me now that you're gone. If you think she's being helpful by telling you anything, it's all lies. She's so glad you're gone. When we go to court the room will be filled with everyone supporting me. The landlords are on my side. Even the woman at the Marriott thought you were really weird. So, baby, you just get better and can't wait to see you in court with all my friends ready to testify that I'm a great guy and you're a crazy, lying thieving nutjob. Have a great day!!!!!

A few email exchanges later, I sent Rob an email reminding him about the time in which Kelly told him, sobbing, that if he drank again during the weeks she lived with him, that she would move out and not come back. And then he drank in front of her a few days later and Kelly, true to her word, stopped living with him, decreasing his custody from 50-50 to 90-10.

Rob responded with this: It never happened!! You're a LIAR and Kelly is going to write a letter saying it never happened!!!

Clearly, one of us was crazy. After a while, I started wondering if I was the crazy one and not Rob. I needed validation.

Immediately after getting this email, I contacted our landlords. "I'm sorry to hear that you're on Rob's side. Can you tell me what that means, exactly?" I asked. He responded. "On Rob's side? We don't have enough information to be on either side and we're just the landlords. We hear you are sick and we pray you'll recover soon."

Next, I sent Rob's friend, Ken, a text message. "I hear you plan on going to court to testify on what a great guy Rob is and how crazy I am. You know how much I struggled with Rob's drinking because you and I discussed it. I never lied or exaggerated what was happening in our home. I survived hell, escaped it, and am now sick." Ken texted back: "I would never go to court to say anything bad about you! I know how bad things were. I don't know why Rob would put words in my mouth like that."

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From Divorced Moms: Marriage Hell-- I'm not an alcoholic! It's YOUR fault!

From Divorced Moms.

Marriage Hell: I'm Not An Alcoholic! It's YOUR Fault!
by Lizzy Smith                                      

March 10, 2015

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I'M NOT AN ACOHOLIC!!!!
In September 2011, Rob started his typical screaming/tirade episode at me. And he said something to me that really did shock me for once.
He screamed with his shrill voice, "I talked to my alcohol counselor and I'm NOT AN ALCOHOLIC."

OK, so that did floor me. I was speechless for once. I said, "Well, Rob, if you tell me you're an alcoholic, I'm going to believe you're an alcoholic."

"I ONLY SAID THAT TO TRY AND SAVE THE MARRIAGE!" I'm telling you that NO ONE can scream like Rob.

So we had a couple's counseling session with his alcohol therapist. Except, as usual, Rob didn't show up. Just me. "Rob tells me you say he's not an alcoholic. Well, whatever he is or isn't-- I will tell you he has a drinking problem. It materially changes his personality and it's a big problem in our marriage and it was a huge problem in his last marriage," I told her.

"Wait a minute," she jumped it. "I did NOT tell Rob he isn't an alcoholic. Rob is an alcoholic."

"But he told me you told him that he wasn't," I stammered.

"That's not what I said. Just because he can go days without drinking, or even go on the wagon for a few months, doesn't make him NOT an alcoholic. It makes him a dry alcoholic. It drives everything he does. Every decision he makes."

"But why would he tell me that?" I asked.

"Because alcoholics lie. And Rob is no exception."

Yes, alcoholics do lie. It's the pathology of their disease. I felt so stupid and duped. I knew he lied. He lied to me about his drinking, where he was, what he was doing. He lied to others about everything and I'd bight my tongue so as not to embarrass anyone. He embarrassed me around others when we had had too much to drink.
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Believe it or not, I'm grateful for cancer and divorce

Happy Thanksgiving week! It's time to make my annual "grateful" list, which is the topic of my latest Divorced Moms column. Today I am very tired and after posting this, I'm taking a nap and later today, hitting up yoga. Not a bad way to start off my favorite time of year.

This Thanksgiving, I'm Grateful For Cancer And Divorce
by Lizzy Smith                     

November 25, 2014

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It's Thanksgiving week and I think all my Facebook friends are posting a list of all the things they're grateful for. I've decided I don't want to do the expected thing and post my own list. Because if I did, it would include the typical:

1. My daughters
2. My family (especially my parents, who opened their home to me and my two children when I was newly diagnosed with cancer and left my husband)
3. My friends and loved ones
4. The luxury of traveling

...oops! I just started the list that I promised I wouldn't. I think I'll stop right there.

But on Friday, I headed off to my weekly oncology appointment. Though I'm in full remission from multiple myeloma (a blood cancer), I am on indefinite maintenance therapy, which includes a chemo pill that I take daily, and a weekly injection of another chemo-type drug. (Neither of these drugs cause hair loss-- I already went through that!) I also get labs every three months. At that appointment, I got revaccinated. This was necessary because when I first entered treatment, I had two stem cell transplants, which wiped out my entire immune system. So all the vaccines I've had growing up were basically cancelled out. Here I was two years later getting new shots (progress!) because I was finally healthy enough to get them. And as I was sitting in clinic getting one poke after another (seven in total!), I started thinking about the radical direction my life has taken since getting cancer, and, wow, I realize how grateful I am for the experience. I mean, I wouldn't wish cancer on anyone, and I'm not happy I got it. But I did, and cancer was the catalyst for many amazing life lessons and experiences.

So I think I'll make a different kind of "grateful list"-- a list of why I'm grateful for the Cancer Journey.

1. I got a divorce
I wanted a divorce since just months after the wedding. During our dating phase, my husband pretended to be someone he wasn't-- a nice (and sober) guy. Soon, his disturbing personality patterns emerged and a few months later, he confessed that he was an alcoholic-- a highly functioning, closeted, raging alcoholic. Our marriage was a Hell that's hard to describe. And as many times as I asked for a divorce, and dreamt of a world without my husband, I had yet to pull the trigger. The minute I found out I had cancer, that all changed in an instant. I left my husband within days of diagnosis. While divorce sucks, a bad marriage sucks a whole heck of a lot worse. Some people need to be cut out of our lives just like a tumor. My husband was one of them.

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Divorced Moms column: The Return of Me. Finding Fearless Lizzy Post Divorce

My latest Divorced Moms column is out! Happy Monday.

The Return of Me. Finding Fearless Lizzy Post Divorce
by Lizzy Smith                    

May 05, 2014

I look back at the person I was while married and it saddens me. The more I write and reflect about that prior life, the more I realize how much I was not myself – at all. Before marriage, I was funny, sarcastic, happy, energetic, smart, and witty. I loved exploring new places and learning new things. I loved robust conversations and shopping; traveling and cooking. I found joy everywhere. I loved life and felt on top of the world. But during my marriage, I quickly became a shell of myself in order to try and “keep the peace” in the midst of a tumultuous and abusive marriage.

Case in point…

While I was married, I read Reading Lolita In Tehran. It was the story of a female professor of literature at the University of Tehran during the Iranian Revolution. Her students were reading many of the same books that I read in college and it inspired me to put aside my favorite “chick lit” books and Vanity Fair magazines for a bit and read something of substance. My then-husband, Rob, read nothing. Not a newspaper or magazine or, heaven forbid, a book. He told me many times that he hadn’t read a book since the sixth grade. I thought this might be the perfect bonding opportunity- pick a good book and we could read it together before falling asleep. Maybe if he experienced great literature, it would inspire him to read more and maybe, just maybe, he’d start being different. I know—it was a stretch and not a realistic expectation but, hey, I was gasping at any straw. So I picked The Great Gatsby. It was short, easy to read, and the story haunted me.

For two nights, I read one chapter out loud to Rob. Until the third night when I started to read and Rob nearly shouted at me: “Stop! I just want to go to bed. This is stupid!” I felt like he had slapped me. I got out of bed and took a long hot bath and read the book alone. Oh well, I tried.

My point is that Rob and I were on different planets when it came to our interests, priorities, and desires in life. Alcoholism aside, finding things to talk about with Rob was a challenge because his interests were fishing, work, and where we should go out to dinner next. And my interests ranged from kids to managing a home to future vacations to… yes, current events, politics, weather, a tiny miniscule of work and just about everything in between. I soon discovered that there were loads of triggers for Rob that would surely start a huge fight. Those topics could include anything that had to do with running the home, children, or finances. And he knew nothing about anything that required reading a book, magazine, newspaper, or listening to a news source. Intellectual curiosity was non-existent. But even if I did manage to avoid obvious hot topics, anything could (and did) become a trigger. So I withdrew more and more into myself. I laughed less. I was not spontaneous. I was cold and reserved. I was sad. I often did things on autopilot, taking no joy or satisfaction from anything except achieving a spotless home. It was the only thing that was in my control so control it I did. With a vengeance.

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My latest Divorced Moms column is out! Enjoy.

7 Tips for Going Public with Your Divorce Story

April 03, 2014
By Lizzy Smith                            

You’re getting a divorce. Almost as hard as reaching that decision is making The Announcement to the world. Who should you tell and how should you tell it? There are those who say almost nothing. And then there are those (like me) who go public and say it all.

My journey to blogging and sharing my journey of marriage to an alcoholic, escape, and survival started a year ago. After I left my husband, he threatened to tell the children what a horrible person I was. He told mutual friends absolute lies about me (that I was a thief, a liar, was faking my cancer diagnosis just so I didn’t have to work, and so much more). I was trying to make sense of it all.

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Rob says if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't even have a job!

Abusers tear down their victims. It's how they keep us stuck, trying to survive in their chaos and web of lies and deceit. One of the countless ways Rob the Great (Alcoholic) tore me down was trying to convince me that without him, I couldn't survive life. Somehow, I wouldn't be able to live on my own, I couldn't have survived the 18-hour San Diego blackout of 2011 (or, as it turned out, without his SCREAMING at me that night), and I couldn't even get a job on my own.

Let's start with a few facts: I have a college degree. I have years of experience in my field. I've worked for large companies and had a successful career. My job as AVP of Communications at one of the largest companies in the world was coming to an end as they were getting ready to close down the business unit I was working for. So I started looking for another job. I sent off resumes to two of San Diego's largest employers. Long story short, I got job offers from both-- nearly identical offers, with the same title. I had a choice. But somehow, all of this was... thanks to Bob?

Let's hear it straight from Bob the Great's mouth:

From: Rob the Great
To: Lizzy Smilez
Subject: Re: Your counseling Appt.

Oh, I'm reading this, I helped you get the Michelle job and through Jorge Dasilva, you got connected with a job with Sara that would pay you right.

----- Original Message -----
From: Lizzy Smilez
To: Rob the Great
Subject: Re: Your counseling Appt.

You don't want to go to counseling and we both know why. And I never expected you to show. As usual, I take your alcohol recovery far more seriously than you do. I went a year ago alone when you were a no-show and I will again.

I got both job offers on my own. Believe it when I tell you that my resume is very, very strong and I interview very well. Being unhappy in a job doesn't begin to address your alcoholism or our intolerable way of communicating. It was inexcusable for you to SCREAM at me when I asked you a very simple question while doing OUR budget- it takes me a long time and I HATE it. Yet you SCREAMED at me in a second. What the HELL was that about????

I love sober Rob. I guess. I haven't really known a Rob who was seriously trying to conquor a VERY SERIOUS disease.

And you are right: you have no ability to stop me from moving anywhere with the kids. I will make that very serious decision when I must. I am clearly at a crossroads and I will very soon decide which path to take.

So while we're emaling (since we can't talk or you refuse to go to therapy) let's discuss that you drank while I was away and you did some other things that were way out of line, there's plenty of blame to go around so take a long look in the mirror yourself. I am very much looking forward to my therapy appt more than you know and I will embrace the hour alone if you don't show up. Notice that I don't beg you to do anything anymore. I know I'm sitting on a ticking timebomb and life is highly unstable for me.

So my next email was to Michelle, my hiring manager. And the next email I send off will be to Jorge DaSilva. Something tells me I got my next job within the company all on my own!

11:02am

Lizzy Smilez

Hi. I've got to ask: when you hired me at sempra, did anyone "encourage" you to hire me? I'm going thru old emails and bob says that I got the job thanks to him.

12:40pm

Michelle

Lol. No. I liked you on my own. I had never even met bob before.

If you talk to Rob, you'd thing he was The Most Important guy at work. Seriously, without Rob the Great (Alcoholic) none of San Diego would have any power. Except no one believes that but Rob. During the blackouts, Rob was telling Nicole that he was busy at work solving the power crisis. Except that wasn't true (yes, Rob actually lies!). He actually left work early, beat me home, picked up Siena (drunk, of course), and by the time Morgan and I got home, he was ready to terrorize me-- and boy oh boy, terrorize me he did.

Kalie called me that evening and we had a good laugh that Rob was telling lies aimed at convincing others how very, very important he was when, in reality, he was just home drunk. Rob's a legend (in his own mind anyway).

Note to Victims: Believe NOTHING that comes out of the mouth of an alcoholic, especially when it has anything to do with putting you down. There's only ONE reason Rob the Great  (Alcoholic) took credit for my job offers: to make me feel worthless. That's an abuser for ya.
 

 

Dr Phil spoke to me today

Once a month I get an Aridia infusion to keep my bones strong. It is part of my one year of maintenance treatment following two back-to-back stem cell transplants. This doctor visit takes about three hours, which gives me a chance to catch up on past Dr Phil episodes on the OWN channel.

Today's episode featured what it's like for the victim wives of an alcoholic husband. And today's couple was so identical to my relationship with Rob the Great (Alcoholic), that it literally took my breath away. I took notes as I sat literally spellbound by this chilling story. The couple was Michael and Maggie and here are my notes:

• Stunted maturity of the alcoholic: Alcoholics (even highly functioning alcoholics, like Bob  and this guy Michael from today's Dr Phil show) have stunted maturity. They stopped maturing years prior and they act like children. They are unable to handle stress. Oh.My.Gosh: So true. Rob's screaming fits and temper tantrums are strikingly like that of my seven year old daughter's when she is really super tired.
• Stunted maturity of the victim spouse (and children): Because the victim(s) live in a world of uncertainty, chaos and emotional abuse, victims stop maturing, too. Such behavior often causes the victim to get ill (emotionally and physically). Wow- if this isn't me, I don't know what is. Thanks, Rob the Great (Alcoholic).
• Alcoholics are driven by the pleasurable principle and pretty much nothing else: So true. Rob lives for the moment and seeks pleasure above all else. Vacations, drinking, naps, movies, vacations, drinking, diving, fishing, sleeping, drinking, naps, diving, fishing. That's pretty much it. Anything (besides his pathetic job at a company that's equivalent to working for the Post Office or DMV) that isn't FUN is an annoyance to Rob. Somehow, when he stopped emotionally developing, got it into his sick head that anything that got in the way of his "fun" (like true parenting, or helping around the home, or going to therapy, or paying bills, or managing a vacation rental) deserved his anger. After all, how dare anyone expect anything of him but to seek out fun?
• Blame anyone (and everyone) for taking away his pleasure and stressing him out: He blamed everyone, anyone, any thing for getting in the way of his pleasure. It was me, his kids, money, his job, me, me, ME for expecting anything from him. He said I was his trigger. Ok, sure, Rob.
  
  Then it was his work project. He even went to far as to tell me that pretty much everyone on his team was getting divorces so it was the company's fault. I was sitting across from him in September 2011 when he said, "Seriously, talk to Robin (his boss) about my stress." So I said, "Ok, I'm going to email her right now." And Rob said, "Go ahead, please do." So I took out by purple Blackberry and emailed Robin saying that Rob wasn't dealing with stress well and I worried about his health. I read it to Rob out loud and he said, "Good, send it." So I did. Robin responded right away that his health was important to her and she'd deal with it.
  
  Except shame on me. It wasn't the work problem that was making Rob be an alcoholic and abusive monster. It was just Rob who was behaving like an alcoholic monster. Before the work project, before me, he was still an alcoholic monster. Lessons learned.
• The alcoholic promises to get well as soon as this one last stress is off his plate: Hmmm... wow, how many millions of times did Rob the Great (Alcoholic) tell me that he would be a better man as soon as (fill in the blank): he finished a work project, went on VACATION, finished up a court battle with Terri, moved Nicole out of the house... You name it, the promises to get well in just a few more days or weeks were ENDLESS (and all lies).
• A restless mind: Rob told me his alcohol therapist at Kaiser told him that he had a restless mind. That Rob was unable to clear his mind and rest, which made him self medicate with alcohol. Except Rob never went to therapy past more than a session or two, because, sheesh, that wasn't fun. So, well, getting better just never happened. It was far better that he continue victimizing his family because, really, his pleasure was the only thing that matters.
• An inflated sense of self worth: Wow, how many times did Rob the Great (Alcoholic) tell me that he had so much to offer and, my gosh, it was all my fault that I failed to recognize his greatness. And, who the FUCK am I to try and change any part of Bob the Great (Alcoholic) because he was just so fucking amazing? Let's see what Bob really has to offer: 1) mounds of debt; 2) alcoholic abuser; 3) emotional abuser; 4) a tiny penis; 5) a REALLY loud voice in which to SCREAM with; 6) the maturity level of a seven year old who needs a nap and snack; and 7) good fish that he catches when he's out diving. Oh, and he can plan a vacation or a fun night out on the town because, after all, that is FUN. Anything else, well, as soon as he's done selling his next victim, well he's just an alcoholic liar.

This is what Maggie, Dr Phil's guest, had to say. Sounds like my experience to a T:

In the beginning, Michael (her alcoholic husband) was so nice. Since then, I've been very scared with his screaming and verbal abuse. He's never hit me yet but it would almost be easier if he just did. I feel disrespected, degraded, unappreciated. I have self loathing at times. He has made fun of me in front of our daughter, I feel stupid. He once slammed the door so hard he put a whole in it (wow-- Rob the Great did this, too!). He has frightening amounts of rage. The verbal abuse is endless. Maggie said that the more Michael behaved this way, her tolerance for it grew smaller and smaller and she was living in a nightmare from which there was no escape.

This is what Michael, the abuser, said on Dr Phil's show:

Michael blamed Maggie for much of his behavior. He blamed her for being controlling, for being his trigger. He was starting therapy to get well but she deserves some of the blame because she knows how to push all his buttons. She knew he drank. She knows he has stress so it's not just alcoholism. He takes blame for about 95% but, really, she is to blame, too, for not recognizing his stresses and her controlling behavior that just "made him" drink and be abusive.

By the way, when Michael was speaking, Dr Phil was disgusted and incredulous. Dr Phil said that abusers always blame their victims and that he needed years of therapy. Dr Phil said that abusers nearly ALWAYS call their victims CONTROLLING. Hmmm... thanks Rob the Great (Alcoholic). You're not even original or creative. You're just a pathetic, mean, manipulative, lying abuser, just like Michael on Dr Phil's show (and pretty much every alcoholic out there).

And that's where I stopped taking notes.



I took Rob's alcoholism far more seriously than he did. I can honestly say I gave of myself 200% while Rob drank, went fishing, went to bed, watched movies, made fun of me, and SCREAMED at me. I read books, went to therapy, Alanon, AA, I read books, went to support groups. Tried tried tried. Worked worked worked worked WORKED and NOTHING helped. At the end of the day, Rob was just a mean abusive alcoholic and his behavior was HIS fault. My fault was sticking around too long.

While a victim is never perfect, let's make one thing PERFECTLY CLEAR: I as the VICTIM and NOTHING I said or did would have stopped Rob's behavior. You can't even work on a relationship when one doesn't deal with their substance abuse.

Word of advice: I've said it on this blog many times and I'll keep saying it again and again and again. If any of you out there are married to or in a relationship with an alcoholic or substance  abuser, RUN LIKE HELL AND DON'T LOOK BACK. Any promises that they'll change and get better for you is a LIE. Unless they are in long term therapy and have a track record of improvement, the abuser is just a manipulative liar. Oh they can sound sooooo incredibly convincing but it is a LIE.

And Rob the Great (Alcoholic), much to the utter horror of his family, did NOT get therapy or take a breather to get well after his marriage to Terri ended, or after I left him with a cancer diagnosis. Instead of healing and repairing, Rob the Great (Alcoholic) just went in desperate search for his next victim. I shudder, cry and cringe for whoever that poor woman will be.