Validation (or "One of us is crazy. Is it me???")

Pretty much every abuser puts his victim down endlessly. My ex husband, Rob the Great (Alcoholic) was no different. (If you're new to my blog, I call my ex Rob the Great because he constantly told me what a "great guy" he was and how he had so much to offer and, really, I should be so happy that I had a guy like him in my life.) He told me things like: without him, I wouldn't have a job; my job was in the dumbest part of the company; I couldn't survive a power outage without him; he was the best dad ever and our children liked him more than they liked me; I wasn't fun like he was; he made so much money and was so successful; if I left him, he'd find another girlfriend in a second because there were so many women out there looking for a great guy like him and, really, I had nothing but baggage and I would have a really hard time; he was so incredibly honest.

When we got in fights, he'd remind me of all of his wonderful qualities. When I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma and fled our home and moved to Utah to enter treatment, the endless horrible texts and emails were incredible. I would read them or forward them to friends so they could see it for themselves because, really, it was hard to believe (Rob comes across as a really nice, sweet, helpful guy until you get to know him).

And then I got this email from Rob:

From: Rob
To: Lizzy
Subject: This is YOU baby!!!!

Everyone in my life hates you and is glad you're gone. Nicole can't believe that you took the girls after I started all over and agreed to raise kids again. The girls love me and miss their dad and I'll tell them it's your fault, baby, that they were taken away from their loving dad. Kalie hates you. She is getting so much more from me now that you're gone. If you think she's being helpful by telling you anything, it's all lies. She's so glad you're gone. When we go to court the room will be filled with everyone supporting me. My mom, Kalie, Nicole, Chris, Joanie, Aussie Mark, Kevin. The landlords are on my side. Even the woman at the Marriott thought you were really weird. So, baby, you just get better and can't wait to see you in court with all my friends ready to testify that I'm a great guy and you're a crazy, lying thieving nutjob. Have a great day!!!!!

A few email exchanges later, I sent Rob an email reminding him about the time in which Kalie told him, sobbing, that if he drank again during the weeks she lived with him, that she would move out and not come back. And then he drank in front of her a few days later and Kalie, true to her word, stopped living with him, decreasing his custody from 50-50 to 90-10.

Rob responded with this:  It never happened!! You're a LIAR and Kalie is going to write a letter saying it never happened!!!

Clearly, one of us is crazy. After a while, I started wondering if I was the crazy one and not Rob. I needed validation.

Immediately after getting this email, I contacted our landlords. "I'm sorry to hear that you're on Rob's side. Can you tell me what that means, exactly?" I asked. He was baffled. "On Rob's side? We don't have enough information to be on either side and we're just the landlords. That said, we hear you are sick and we pray you'll recover soon. We both like you very much and are so sorry."

Next, I sent Kevin a text message. Kevin is a friend of Rob's who coached Morgan in soccer for several years and was our Realtor in San Diego. "Hi Kevin. I hear you plan on going to court to testify on what a great guy Rob is and how crazy I am. I am sorry to hear that and wish you all the best. You know how much I struggled with Rob's drinking because you and I discussed it. I want you to know I never lied or exaggerated. I survived hell, escaped it, and am now sick." Kevin responded immediately. "I would never go to court to say anything bad about you! I know how much you struggled and I have not one thing bad to say about you. I don't know why Rob would put words in my mouth like that."

I then contacted the Marriott Residence Inn in La Jolla. I knew that Rob lied about this one. The girls and I stayed at that property three times over the years when Rob and I got into an argument and I needed to seek refuge somewhere. Each time, the stays were for one night and after checking in, we quietly retreated to our room, had breakfast the next morning, and left. I forwarded the email to the manager and talked with him many times. He interviewed every front desk manager at the property and told me that no one has any idea what Rob was talking about, nor would anyone ever give that kind of feedback.

Several months ago, I talked to Kalie, Rob's younger daughter. I told her that if there was anything in this blog that she found untruthful or hurtful to her or her mother, I would remove it. "No," she said. "Every single word is true and don't change a thing."

There was no need to contact anyone in Rob's family after I got the call from one of them. I've written about it in this blog but on that call, this family member told me that they all knew Rob was an alcoholic and needed help and they were incredibly disappointed that instead of getting help, he was simply acquiring a new girlfriend.

But the coup de grace was this email. It came to me several months ago via email. Someone had stumbled on my blog and sent me a private email. I've changed a few words and names so as to keep this person's identity private.

Lizzy,

I know [a woman who knows Bob well] and that's how I know Bob. Even though he's nice and helpful enough, I always thought there was something off about him. Several in our circle thought the same. Of course we won't tell [our friend] this because we don't want to get in the middle of it. One night I did a Google search and found your blog. Wow what a story! I cried when I was done reading. Everything confirms what I thought but couldn't quite put my finger on. He's an alcoholic. I am so sorry you went through that and I worry about [my friend]. I am hopeful she'll figure it out before it's too late. Stay strong, Lizzy! You are an inspiration of strength and resilience. What comes around goes around. Some day Bob will feel the pain that he has caused you, your children and his first family. I'll be praying for your health and full recovery.

That email came at such a perfect time-- a time when I was having panic attacks about my health and future. As bad as I feel for any woman who gets involved with Rob, it is no longer me. I was so relieved that I was no longer the one listening to his screaming fits and pathetic excuses for his behavior. I was no longer his enabler. Instead of getting help for his disease, Rob finds a new honey. I was that new honey but no more. Sad that someone else becomes the "distraction" but at least it's no longer me. Let someone else help Rob teach his children that marriages are so unimportant that when one ends, just hop right back into another. That, really, is a "great" message to teach your children (if you want them to have unhealthy relationships themselves, anyway). Let someone else be Rob's cover. I was done.

Validation was necessary. A reality. Fact check. No, I wasn't the crazy one.

Dr Phil spoke to me today

Once a month I get an Aridia infusion to keep my bones strong. It is part of my one year of maintenance treatment following two back-to-back stem cell transplants. This doctor visit takes about three hours, which gives me a chance to catch up on past Dr Phil episodes on the OWN channel.

Today's episode featured what it's like for the victim wives of an alcoholic husband. And today's couple was so identical to my relationship with Rob the Great (Alcoholic), that it literally took my breath away. I took notes as I sat literally spellbound by this chilling story. The couple was Michael and Maggie and here are my notes:

• Stunted maturity of the alcoholic: Alcoholics (even highly functioning alcoholics, like Bob  and this guy Michael from today's Dr Phil show) have stunted maturity. They stopped maturing years prior and they act like children. They are unable to handle stress. Oh.My.Gosh: So true. Rob's screaming fits and temper tantrums are strikingly like that of my seven year old daughter's when she is really super tired.
• Stunted maturity of the victim spouse (and children): Because the victim(s) live in a world of uncertainty, chaos and emotional abuse, victims stop maturing, too. Such behavior often causes the victim to get ill (emotionally and physically). Wow- if this isn't me, I don't know what is. Thanks, Rob the Great (Alcoholic).
• Alcoholics are driven by the pleasurable principle and pretty much nothing else: So true. Rob lives for the moment and seeks pleasure above all else. Vacations, drinking, naps, movies, vacations, drinking, diving, fishing, sleeping, drinking, naps, diving, fishing. That's pretty much it. Anything (besides his pathetic job at a company that's equivalent to working for the Post Office or DMV) that isn't FUN is an annoyance to Rob. Somehow, when he stopped emotionally developing, got it into his sick head that anything that got in the way of his "fun" (like true parenting, or helping around the home, or going to therapy, or paying bills, or managing a vacation rental) deserved his anger. After all, how dare anyone expect anything of him but to seek out fun?
• Blame anyone (and everyone) for taking away his pleasure and stressing him out: He blamed everyone, anyone, any thing for getting in the way of his pleasure. It was me, his kids, money, his job, me, me, ME for expecting anything from him. He said I was his trigger. Ok, sure, Rob.
  
  Then it was his work project. He even went to far as to tell me that pretty much everyone on his team was getting divorces so it was the company's fault. I was sitting across from him in September 2011 when he said, "Seriously, talk to Robin (his boss) about my stress." So I said, "Ok, I'm going to email her right now." And Rob said, "Go ahead, please do." So I took out by purple Blackberry and emailed Robin saying that Rob wasn't dealing with stress well and I worried about his health. I read it to Rob out loud and he said, "Good, send it." So I did. Robin responded right away that his health was important to her and she'd deal with it.
  
  Except shame on me. It wasn't the work problem that was making Rob be an alcoholic and abusive monster. It was just Rob who was behaving like an alcoholic monster. Before the work project, before me, he was still an alcoholic monster. Lessons learned.
• The alcoholic promises to get well as soon as this one last stress is off his plate: Hmmm... wow, how many millions of times did Rob the Great (Alcoholic) tell me that he would be a better man as soon as (fill in the blank): he finished a work project, went on VACATION, finished up a court battle with Terri, moved Nicole out of the house... You name it, the promises to get well in just a few more days or weeks were ENDLESS (and all lies).
• A restless mind: Rob told me his alcohol therapist at Kaiser told him that he had a restless mind. That Rob was unable to clear his mind and rest, which made him self medicate with alcohol. Except Rob never went to therapy past more than a session or two, because, sheesh, that wasn't fun. So, well, getting better just never happened. It was far better that he continue victimizing his family because, really, his pleasure was the only thing that matters.
• An inflated sense of self worth: Wow, how many times did Rob the Great (Alcoholic) tell me that he had so much to offer and, my gosh, it was all my fault that I failed to recognize his greatness. And, who the FUCK am I to try and change any part of Bob the Great (Alcoholic) because he was just so fucking amazing? Let's see what Bob really has to offer: 1) mounds of debt; 2) alcoholic abuser; 3) emotional abuser; 4) a tiny penis; 5) a REALLY loud voice in which to SCREAM with; 6) the maturity level of a seven year old who needs a nap and snack; and 7) good fish that he catches when he's out diving. Oh, and he can plan a vacation or a fun night out on the town because, after all, that is FUN. Anything else, well, as soon as he's done selling his next victim, well he's just an alcoholic liar.

This is what Maggie, Dr Phil's guest, had to say. Sounds like my experience to a T:

In the beginning, Michael (her alcoholic husband) was so nice. Since then, I've been very scared with his screaming and verbal abuse. He's never hit me yet but it would almost be easier if he just did. I feel disrespected, degraded, unappreciated. I have self loathing at times. He has made fun of me in front of our daughter, I feel stupid. He once slammed the door so hard he put a whole in it (wow-- Rob the Great did this, too!). He has frightening amounts of rage. The verbal abuse is endless. Maggie said that the more Michael behaved this way, her tolerance for it grew smaller and smaller and she was living in a nightmare from which there was no escape.

This is what Michael, the abuser, said on Dr Phil's show:

Michael blamed Maggie for much of his behavior. He blamed her for being controlling, for being his trigger. He was starting therapy to get well but she deserves some of the blame because she knows how to push all his buttons. She knew he drank. She knows he has stress so it's not just alcoholism. He takes blame for about 95% but, really, she is to blame, too, for not recognizing his stresses and her controlling behavior that just "made him" drink and be abusive.

By the way, when Michael was speaking, Dr Phil was disgusted and incredulous. Dr Phil said that abusers always blame their victims and that he needed years of therapy. Dr Phil said that abusers nearly ALWAYS call their victims CONTROLLING. Hmmm... thanks Rob the Great (Alcoholic). You're not even original or creative. You're just a pathetic, mean, manipulative, lying abuser, just like Michael on Dr Phil's show (and pretty much every alcoholic out there).

And that's where I stopped taking notes.



I took Rob's alcoholism far more seriously than he did. I can honestly say I gave of myself 200% while Rob drank, went fishing, went to bed, watched movies, made fun of me, and SCREAMED at me. I read books, went to therapy, Alanon, AA, I read books, went to support groups. Tried tried tried. Worked worked worked worked WORKED and NOTHING helped. At the end of the day, Rob was just a mean abusive alcoholic and his behavior was HIS fault. My fault was sticking around too long.

While a victim is never perfect, let's make one thing PERFECTLY CLEAR: I as the VICTIM and NOTHING I said or did would have stopped Rob's behavior. You can't even work on a relationship when one doesn't deal with their substance abuse.

Word of advice: I've said it on this blog many times and I'll keep saying it again and again and again. If any of you out there are married to or in a relationship with an alcoholic or substance  abuser, RUN LIKE HELL AND DON'T LOOK BACK. Any promises that they'll change and get better for you is a LIE. Unless they are in long term therapy and have a track record of improvement, the abuser is just a manipulative liar. Oh they can sound sooooo incredibly convincing but it is a LIE.

And Rob the Great (Alcoholic), much to the utter horror of his family, did NOT get therapy or take a breather to get well after his marriage to Terri ended, or after I left him with a cancer diagnosis. Instead of healing and repairing, Rob the Great (Alcoholic) just went in desperate search for his next victim. I shudder, cry and cringe for whoever that poor woman will be.

Here's an email I sent myself. Very sad (and honest)

From: Lizzy Smilez
To: Lizzy Smilez
Subject: remember this, my friend

Note to self: Your son of a bitch soon to be ex husband yelled at me for not doing enough. Mind you, I usually get criticized for not relaxing, but that's another story (though shows the inconsistency of my soon to be ex husband's arguments). So he doesn't want to make dinner because... because... because... he dropped off the kids and picked Siena up at school. Hmmm... No problem, husband of the year. Instead, sit down on the couch, watch TV, and go out for a sandwich. I made dinner for the kids, finished the laundry, put all the laundry away (and the kids laundry basket was overflowing), helped Morgan with homework, work with Siena on puzzles, made lunches, played a game with Siena, put her to bed, and put Morgan to bed. Oh, yeah, and I put the dogs 'to bed'-- all the while soon to be ex husband went to bed before 8:00 PM. I mean, how much does a sober person need to sleep? Ah, but he's not always so sober, is he? But he thinks I'm dumb and gullible and he thinks that I don't know he doesn't sneak a drink here and there. But he's wrong. I am not a gullible idiot. My soon to be ex husband forgets that he goes out of town for days most every week while I do EVERYTHING but he deserves a fucking MEDAL when he drops the kids off at school. Wow. Amazing. And he tries to give ME parenting advice? Yeah, I've seen the fruits of his parenting and... NO THANKS. It is outrageous and insulting that this pathetic soon to be ex husband thinks that he deserves a Father of the Year award because he'll go to school and talk about thumb sucking and thinks that is PARENTING but actually buying groceries and Christmas gifts isn't. He has NO IDEA and I don't quite frankly care except that I have to try and live with this man until we sell the house. Hello soon to be ex husband: I've done my research and I've carefully plotted my escape. I know exactly where I'm going, I already have my budget done, and I've already thoroughly vetted out my rights (or, rather, his lack of rights). My soon to be ex husband (who I will from here forthwith refer to as ST BEX- ha ha) loves to hail what a great dad he is. Seeing he fruits of his labor shows he is crazy. He says how PRODUCTIVE and well adjusted he and his siblings are. hahaha That is so unbelievably funny. If that is success to him, then we cannot and will never think alike enough to try and live together. And what's even funnier is that he thinks he pays more attention to the kids than I do. hahahahahahahahahaha He is delusional. ST BEX has taken the kids to very few doctors appointments. Most of the dr appts take place at night after work. I went to more Morgan soccer games, skating practices, teacher conferences than he has. And Siena? Well, she hasn't had any teacher conferences yet-- but those conversations he's had with the school? So have I. It's whoever picks her up at school who has the conversations with the teachers. And I want to take Siena to skating lessons and tried to sign her up for soccer practice. ST BEX thinks she's too young and really just wants to go out of town every weekend, making it impossible. I don't need him. I don't need this marriage. I think I am better off without him. For sure, I will be happier without him. He is not a net positive in my life. My life is far more complicated with him in it. And I am far better off without him than I am with him. Tick tock. He is evil. He is hateful. He tries to put me down all the time. Well look in the mirror, fat alcoholic with Santa Claus belly and tiny miniscule penis and high pitched screaming screeching woman's tone. BOB: YOU SUCK AND IF YOUR PENIS WERE SMALLER YOU'D BE A EUNUCH. Love me

I married a monster

"Rob" is my ex husband. And he is a monster. He is an alcoholic, and like all alcoholics, he is a mean and manipulative man. What makes him even worse than your typical alcoholic is that he comes across as a really nice and genuine guy-- honest, a little on the innocent side, soft spoken, and kind. In reality, he is a screamer (honestly, I've never heard of anyone who can reach the pitch of this man-- he sounds like a shrill woman when he screamed at me), he lies completely and totally about anything and everything, and he terrorized two families.

After five years of living with Rob, I fled just days after being diagnosed with a life threatening blood disorder. On January 2, 2012 I went to Kaiser Permanente for followup tests after lab results from a routine CBC showed some big red warning flags. While getting a full body scan, the tech told me that "we're scanning for tumors. Your doctor thinks you have cancer." Try hearing those words from someone. I stood there and sobbed as the tech took Xrays. I went home and started calling my "sweet" husband, Rob. He wouldn't answer. I started texting him. "Please come home," I pleaded. "They think I have cancer. I'm so scared." I knew he was at the bar pounding drinks and, sure enough, when he came home, he was agitated and mad and LOUD. He literally started screaming at me: "Just GO TO UTAH. I'll take $10,000 out of my 401k to move you. You just want to go home to Mommy!" I was incredulous because under no circumstance should anyone speak to someone in my condition like that.

"Rob," I said, "Why are you screaming at me? I'm scared." And I was. Terrified, actually. And I was sobbing.

And what did sweet Rob do? He got in my face and started screaming at me so loudly that he was spitting in my face. "You're such a lazy stupid bitch. You just don't want to work!"

I called Rob's mom and the phone went to voicemail and I let it record how Peggy's "sweet" drunk son spoke to his wife. As he continued to scream, I just let it continue recording on Peggy's voicemail. I finally interrupted him. "Nice job. Your mom can listen to that."

Not deterred, Rob continued screaming at me. I went to the back bedroom and called my parents. They could hear Rob screaming from several rooms away. My dad was horrified. "Is that how he speaks to you?" he asked.

"Yes," I nearly whispered.

There was silence as my dad continued to listen and my mom cried. After a long pause, he said "we're coming to get you." They live in Utah so they left a few hours later to San Diego to rescue me from my monster husband.

The next call I made was to the police. I needed Rob gone and I needed time and quiet to wrap my head around the fact that I may be dying. And that's how I separated from Rob the Great (Alcoholic). A few days later, I was officially diagnosed with my illness-- a rare, incurable blood disorder. What shows Rob's character even better, he threatened me that if I left him, he would cancel my health insurance. Nice guy, huh?

The girls and I moved from San Diego on January 12, 2012. Rob got on match.com literally a few days after we left. He found a new girlfriend even before I filed for a legal separation. I had to file for that separation so he couldn't cancel my health insurance. Instead of taking time to deal with his alcoholism and heal from another family he destroyed, he got another girlfriend instead. He did the same thing with his last family. He lied to me about his official separation date. Terri (his first wife) moved out of their home in late December 2006. I met Rob in late January 2007-- just weeks later. Had I known this, I NEVER would have dated him. And he did it again. A wife leaves him and the first thing he does is search for his next victim. The last time Rob went to court against his first ex wife, Terri, she attached an email that Rob sent her on December 30, 2006-- just a few weeks prior to my meeting him. The email stated "I'm so sorry!" It made me sick-- Rob had apologized and had tried to keep his marriage together just weeks before meeting me and pursuing a relationship with me full steam ahead. If I had only known, there is no way I would have dated a man like that. Any woman who would date a man under his circumstances is, in my opinion, incredibly dumb.

Much of my story could be comical or interesting, except Rob took everything from me-- my money (I had a lot of money in savings), my assets (I had two homes that I was renting out), my sanity, and my health. And while I was still grappling with the fact that I may die and that I had years of hardcore treatments ahead of me, Rob was already on to his next girlfriend. I would sit at my doctor's office getting injected with poisons that made me sicker than most people can imagine, watching others in my position holding the hands of their spouses. And me? I was with my mom and dad while Rob the Great was fishing, at the bars, and dating a new woman who, he told me, had LOTS OF MONEY and wasn't LAZY like me (because I wasn't working anymore).

Yes, Rob is a monster and part of my healing process is journaling my story. And here it is.

You have a tiny penis and you suck in bed!

From the time of my diagnosis when "Rob" screamed and spit in my face and called me a thief, liar and drama queen, I really tried to take the high road. I either remained silent, pleaded with him to show compassion, or tried to remind him that I had just been diagnosed with CANCER (to no avail). Finally, I started throwing the meanest verbal insults his way. Mature? No. Right? No. But I felt the need to fight back.

This awful fighting pattern was true throughout our entire marriage. It would go like this: Rob would get drunk (or want to get drunk) and scream at me in that horrid pitch that only Rob can reach. 90 percent of the time, I'd walk away. After all, arguing with a drunk is pointless. But that would never be good enough for Rob. He'd follow me around the house. Sometimes I'd say something like, "I'm walking away from you. Go away." In which case he'd respond by screaming some more with this crazed, glazed look in his eyes. If it was a weekend, I'd pack up the girls and me and go stay in a hotel or stay with my best friends in Long Beach before coming back. And then Rob would start texting or emailing me horrible messages, which I'd ignore for a day or two. And then I'd start responding. It would take two to four days before Rob would calm down enough and apologize for his ridiculous behavior and promise to go to help with his drinking problem. And, of course, that would never happen. He'd say he was at an AA meeting when, in fact, he was drinking at the BrewCo instead. (He did this same thing in his first marriage, by the way.)

Rob always accused me of having a huge temper. I can honestly say that I deserve a medal for the most part for ignoring his stupid behavior. Until I didn't. That one out of 10 times that I decided to fight back got ugly because I was ready to defend myself (finally) with every ounce of energy I had.

So this time I told him what I really thought about him but always had the somewhat good sense beforehand to not say.

You have the smallest penis ever

You suck in bed

You're fat

I never loved you (true statement)
When I met Rob, he was simply a guy to hang out with while I tried to mend my shattered heart from a prior relationship. Rob was really good at selling himself as a good, honest, sweet guy who simply had been terrorized by his ex wife who never appreciated what a great guy he really was. He seemed innocent and kind and helpful. He was great with my daughter and good to me. This is what Rob does-- when there's an audience, he's "on it". And he was aggressively pursuing me. When we purchased our home and got married, I didn't love him at all. I liked and respected him and thought we could have a good future together as companions and parents. The problem was, Rob is none of the things he portrays himself to be. And once I figured that out, ever learning to love him was impossible.

I cheated on you (not true)
I told him I cheated on him with my ex boyfriend Todd. I knew this would cut through his heart. His ex wife, Terri, had an affair when they were married (although the number of affairs Terri had grew each time he talked about Terri-- first she had one affair, then three, then countless). I told him that I cheated on him and his next wife would cheat on him, too, because he was a horrible husband. Well, that part is true. He is a horrible partner. Unpredictable, volatile, a liar, a hair trigger temper, mean and lazy. But I never cheated on him. I did meet up with Todd several times throughout my marriage but I never once even kissed him (besides on the cheek). I wanted to cheat on him. But it just wasn't me so I didn't.

And so it was that my texts finally matched his in evilness. I can't say it made me feel better but there was something sadly empowering about no longer keeping my mouth shut. Here I was, downing some 30 pills per day, getting blood transfusions and platelets, undergoing another painful biopsy without any medications, receiving texts from Rob the Great (Alcoholic) that accused me of being a thief and a liar... And I at least was finding the strength to fight back. Somewhere in my reserves of fear and exhaustion and shock and horror about my health, I could at least fight Rob where it hurt him the most. Literally, below the belt.

And yet, after several weeks of this, it served no purpose but to make me sadder than ever. I had jumped into the Rob cesspool and it was not a pretty or comfortable place to be. I wasn't proud of it. I didn't want to fight like that. It was not the person I wanted to be. And Rob and I actually started a reconciliation of sorts, which will be a blog post of another day.

Lessson learned?
So what did I learn from this? For me, when I feel cornered like a wounded animal, I fight back. Actually, I don't fight back for awhile, hoping that I'll find an out. Hoping that my logic will prevail over something more primitive in all of us. But I'm human and eventually I'll come out swinging. I did this throughout my entire relationship with Rob. And it is not the person I want to be. It is not the way I want to handle conflict. Logically speaking, you can't argue with a drunk. There is no point and no one will ever win. I wish I could use the logical part of my brain always.

If I could do it all over again, I would have left Rob a few months after our wedding when I started seeing the first patterns of alcoholic behavior, laziness, and aggression. Instead, I believed so strongly in my commitment, in my sense of duty to family, and the hope I had that Rob would become the man that he tried to portray himself to be initially, that I stayed. I stayed to the detriment of my emotional and physical health.

Rob says I have a huge temper and I'm a control freak (more on that later). It's so trite to hear that from the mouth of an alcoholic. I learned that in Alanon. Alcoholics accuse their partners as control freaks because those around them don't like the behaviors of an alcoholic. That makes us, the victims, seem controling-- because we refuse at some point to think that behavior is acceptable. Bob is no different.

Lizzy's advice
So here's my advice to anyone living with, or dating, an alcoholic: Run. And run fast. It never gets better (unless the alcoholic bottoms out and puts in a fulltime commitment to recovery). It always gets worse. It is not healthy for anyone to live in that kind of environment. It messes with the victime emotionally. It is detrimental to children living in that environment. It is a hell like no other. Save yourself.

Beginning treatment, fleeing my alcoholic husband, and moving (simultaneously)

When I was diagnosed, my parents were with me. Dr Raja was kind, positive and upbeat. After weeks of terror and fear, getting the diagnosis was actually a relief. I also left that appointment with, like, 20 prescriptions of medication. I was told that I was starting a work-up for a stem cell transplant. Before this diagnosis, I basically wasn't taking an aspirin. Going from that mindset to dumping all kinds of toxins into my body was scary.

One of the medications I started taking was a combo of dexamethasone and Revlimid. My bone marrow showed over 90% of myeloma cells, which put me at a Stage III. The dex-Rev combo would help start killing myeloma cells immediately. Over the next several weeks, I began to feel the effects of dex and it was awful. My voice changed to this rough tone. I became weak and dizzy with a racing heart. I felt so weird, like I was floating. I didn't think right. I was tired but wired at the same time. Morning were awful. I would walk a few steps and need to sit down to stop my racing heart. I felt horrible all the time.

The night of my diagnosis, I sat down with the girls individually and explained that I had a tough blood disorder, that it wouldn't kill me, but I had some big treatments ahead and I needed the help of Grandpa and Grandma because Daddy couldn't be counted on. I also told them we were moving to Utah. Siena was fine with it, like it was the most natural thing in the world. Morgan not so much. She cried. She was incredulous. She understood. It broke my heart that we were in a situation where, when I got sick, I couldn't depend on my husband. Oh, no, the thought of going through tough treatments and fighting for my life with Rob was revolting. Even in "good" times, Rob couldn't be counted on. In anything that smelled of challenging, Rob became an even more hateful and evil and agressive drunk. I learned that firsthand earlier in the year. I got pregnant and miscarried twice in 2011 and both times and through two D&Cs, Rob was awful-- drunk, mean and most unhelpful. This would be far worse.

Here is one particularly telling email that I got from Rob:

From: Rob
To: Lizzy Smilez
Sent: Saturday, January 14, 2012 6:07 PM
Subject: Re: Re:

Had my liver tested to be able to use antibuse, it's in great shape. how cool is that!

 

 

-----------------------

 

Nice, huh? Here I was, newly diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma and one of the biggest dangers of the disease was total liver and/or kidney failure, and this email was just disgusting and disturbing. Here's another exchange...
 

----------------------

From: Rob
Sent: Monday, January 16, 2012 02:42 PM
To: 'lizzysmilez@gmail.com>
Subject: Re: Sundance Meadows Customer Receipt/Purchase Confirmation
And if you think kalie is being supportive by perhaps telling you I'm at the brew co all the time, she's not. To have you out of her life, she thinks she also gains quite a bit. So, for your info., I can't drink alcahol, I'm on antibuse. I had to get non alcohol shaving cream, anti persprent and rethink everything I do as it's a huge deal. I did this for me as I need time to think clearly now without the fog. And yes, I am soul searching, if I wasn't, I'd have gone legal by now.  If you think there is a way we can ever be together, to work together without any negative family influence I can do that too.

From: Rob
Sent: Monday, January 16, 2012 02:10 PM
To: 'lizzysmilez
Subject: Re: Sundance Meadows Customer Receipt/Purchase Confirmation
And still, I'm at the door knocking as I feel god brought us together for more than a learning experience. Let me know if you will except my help, if not, I will be on my way Liz. And I am a real good guy, just beant to do a lot in life because of my own doing with not speaking out. And drank to get through it all. But we bith know that there has to be a new direction for us both and we can do it together as a team

From: lizzysmilez
Sent: Monday, January 16, 2012 01:58 PM
To: Rob
Subject: Re: Sundance Meadows Customer Receipt/Purchase Confirmation

I need a village, you're right. In San Diego, I have nothing and no one, least of all you. Your behavior frightens me and our relationship is horrible and volatile. The only time we function somewhat normally is on a vacation. Normal riggors of family life leave you angry, agitated, and desparate and I hate it. In san diego, I don't have your support and with the exception of kalie (big surprise) your family is absent.

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

 

-------------------------

 

And so it was that on a Saturday morning, looped up on all kinds of scary medications, I threw clothes in trash bags, loaded up the girls and cat, and started driving to Utah. Fleeing was a more accurate word for it. And along the way, text after text after text came in from Rob. Incredulous that I was leaving. Begging me to come back. Threatening to cancel my health insurance. Telling me I was a thief and liar. It was shocking and horrible. I couldn't drive away fast enough.

 

The only thing "good" I can say about those horrible and bizarre texts and emails was that it distracted me from the really important things that were going on-- namely my fight for life. I didn't even cry once about leaving Rob. I was numb and shocked and horrified.

 

Think about it...

 

But think about it... Here I was, hearing the dreaded and devastating news that I had CANCER, leaving my abusive alcoholic husband, and moving to another state, all at the same time. Oh, and taking two young children with me who were grappling with the fact that their parents were splitting, that they were having to move to a new school and make new friends, that they would never live with their dad again... All of these things ALONE are HUGE but try doing it ALL TOGETHER AT ONCE is really unimaginable! Traumatic and scary and devastating doesn't even begin to describe it.

 

I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Looking back, I don't know how we did it.