Saturday, April 4, 2015

Your "New Normal." Life post divorce will never be the same again. It can be better

It's a really late night for me. I started off the day writing a few articles for The Myeloma Crowd, ran a few errands, then spend four hours doing a Boudoir Photo Shoot. For real! It was so fun and so far out of my comfort zone and it rocked. More details about that when I get photos. They are actually ready, I think, but I can't retrieve them until I get back from Spring Break. You see, I've been packing and writing and getting organized because in a few hours, the girls and I, and William and two of his daughters, are heading on a cruise. More details on that when we get on that cruise. Anyway, after my photo shoot, we went to dinner and Good Friday church services. Afterwards, hypochondriac myeloma warrior that I am, I went to urgent care because I suspected kidney issues. I'm ok, but I did pick up antibiotics. I flipping HATE CANCER. Because there is no rest once you've had a diagnosis like that. You are always worried about your health and it is EXHAUSTING.

Anyway, here is my latest on Divorced Moms. I'll be sharing news from the cruise. Happy Easter. May the spirit of God's love be with you.

Cheers, Lizzy

The New Normal: Life Post Split Is Never The Same
by Lizzy Smith                     
April 04, 2015
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Fotolia_69360839_XS.jpgWe went to a beautiful and powerful Good Friday service tonight. And on our chairs was a card about death and beginnings. We were invited to fill it out and as I did, I realized how appropriate the same message was about divorce. After I completed it, my card read (and I am slightly editing it to suit our "divorce" purpose):

Death Certificate
I, Lizzy Smith, died on January 2, 2012, the day I had my husband removed from the home by police, leaving behind a hurt, angry, sick and confused woman. In that process, I gained a new life, freedom, peace and love.
Signed: Me

If you're considering a split, or are recently separated or divorced, here are a few things you should know:
  1. Life will never be the same again
  2. You will never look at love, commitment, marriage and family the same way again either. You will realize that dreams die and nothing is forever
  3. It will hurt really bad
  4. There will be days that you will want to lie down in the fetal position and never move again
  5. You will want to stick pins in a voodoo doll that looks just like your ex
  6. Sometimes, you'll want to stick pins in a different voodoo doll that looks just like your attorney
  7. You will look at your children's pain and it will be horrific. The guilt and sadness will be overpowering and there is not a whole lot you can do to erase it
  8. You will get very cranky
  9. Physically, you might change a lot. Some women go wild with a new hair color and radically different wardrobe. Some won't be able to eat and will drop loads of weight; others will work their way through eating everything in the refrigerator. There are usually new bags around the eyes and a "blank look" when someone is talking to and you can't comprehend a thing
  10. Financially, it will be painful. You will look at your attorney's new car and realize that you paid for it
And when you're in the midst of such turmoil, you should...
  1. Be really nice and forgiving of yourself. There is nothing more traumatic than divorce, save death
  2. Feel free to tell others that you are going through a really tough time and you're not functioning at full capacity
  3. Tell others when you need help. Be specific because no one is a mind reader
  4. Explain to your employer what is going on at home. She should know that you might not be capable of taking on a Big Huge New Project
  5. You owe no one explanations about why your marriage broke up. That said, feel free to share with anyone you wish (just be careful you don't share intimate details at, say, work, so be careful)
  6. You should seek help, whether it be from a therapist, support group, ecclesiastical leader, or a pile of self help books
  7. Perhaps ask a doctor for anti-depressants if things get really bad
  8. Take this opportunity to really try to eat healthy, get lots of exercise, and shower and put yourself together almost every day. Pity parties are allowed. Cry fests are normal. And spending a day (or three) in pajamas eating ice cream and watching sappy movies is to be expected. But it really helps emotionally to look and feel decent and to get out of the house. It is a crucial part of your healing process
That age-old saying that "time heals all wounds" is true. There will come a day when you will wake up and realize that you are ok, that you have survived, and you are ready to move forward. And from the ashes of divorce, it is possible to craft a better life for yourself and your children. And that is when your "new normal" will emerge-- a different life, a different you.

Keep reading...