Why dating again immediately post split is a really bad idea. Do NOT do it!!

I have heard from several readers of late debating the wisdom of splitting from your spouse and then immediately jumping back into the dating scene. Ten to one, my readers agree with me. Many have made this mistake and have lived to regret it. Many have dated men who were fresh off a relationship. They agree that they inherited a fucked up mess in the head. Not fun after the hormones calm down a bit. Many women were the ones who jumped back into dating immediately and also regret it. They feel sorry for the guy who ended up with their messed up heads. They hurt people. They hurt themselves. Anyway, I felt compelled to write about the topic (again) on Divorced Moms. Here it is...

Just Split From Your Hubby? Do NOT Jump Back Into the Dating Game

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BY LIZZY SMITH

April 05, 2016

I have written a few articles about dating before one’s divorce is final.

Tempted to Date A Guy Who Just Split With His Wife? You're Nuts

Important Lessons From A Guy Who Dated Immediately Post Split

In my opinion, this is total insanity. There are a myriad of reasons why I believe this so strongly. They include:

You need time to emotionally heal

Don’t kid yourself (or anyone else) by claiming that you mourned the end of your marriage while still married. Or that you don’t love the guy anymore (maybe never did). Blah blah blah. Truth is, regardless of the state of your marriage prior to actually moving out and one of you filing for divorce (worse yet, for those who still may be living with their soon-to-be ex), you’re now in a whole new world. Being in a bad marriage, and then transitioning out of it, is a huge change and you need time to process it, reflect on your new life and where you want it to go, and come to terms with the mistakes you made in your marriage. Now is the time to focus on YOU. Get therapy. Start a new work-out routine. Indulge in retail therapy. Go for long walks and meditate. Take a girls-only vacation. Redecorate or re-organize your house. Jumping right into the dating scene will actually hamper your healing process. Sure, finding new love can assuage emotional pain, but feeling pain is part of healing. It must happen. It gets better. 

You’re still married

Call me old fashioned, but marriage matters. With that kind of commitment, the end of your marriage deserves your full attention. Inserting a third party into the mix is a potential disaster. It can cause all kinds of additional hurt feelings and confusion for you, your husband, and your children. Too many people are in too much pain, why add heaps more to satisfy your need to ignore it? 

You need to concentrate

Especially if your divorce is a high conflict one, you need to concentrate on the divorce proceedings. Keep your head in the game, stay clear. If you start dating a new guy, it will take your focus off of things that can have huge ramifications for your financial future. If you feel in love or emotionally “high,” you may be far more likely to rush your divorce to its finality regardless of the terms, which may not be in your best interests at all.

If you have children, they need you!

Your children are likely utterly confused and in unimaginable pain. The last thing they need is for their mom to be showing up with new men. Let them have “just you” for a while. Spend extra time with them—quality time. For every minute you spend looking for a new guy, you could be talking to your children.

It’s not fair to your date

While you’re still an emotional wreck, it simply is not fair to the guy you’re dating. In your transition phase, you are likely not at your best. When you do start dating again, you should be as emotionally healthy as possible, for your sake and his.

I did not follow my own advice and it was a huge mistake. I left my husband and two months later, I had an insatiable desire to see what the dating world was like. It had been so long since I felt love. I wanted to find a new crush and feel passion again. I told everyone (and myself) that I never loved my husband, felt nothing at all when I left him, and was happier than ever now that he was gone. I had mourned my marriage while still married. I was ready to date! Plus, honestly, I just wanted to know what my options were—a single mom of two daughters and with a terrible illness. I was literally going through chemo treatments, I was wearing a wig, and had almost no eyelashes left. Would any guy even want to date me? I had to find out.

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Back (sort-of) from Stem Cell Transplant Hell (so help me, God, I will NEVER do this again)

I have completed my stem cell transplant and engrafted. My engraftment has been awful, although feel as if I'm sort of climbing out of the abyss.

I received high dose melphalin on a Tuesday. I should not have felt its effects for several days but I felt it the day-of. I knew then that this was going to be a bad experience. My poor body is just done with this intense treatment and is fighting it every step of the way. "LEAVE ME ALONE," it is screaming. And I (and my doctors) are not heeding that warning. On the day of my treatment, I chomped on ice for an hour and then went home, tired and feeling very "wrong" and twitchy. I went to bed early after taking two Ambien and an Ativan (yikes) to calm me down.

William (my angel and husband) took my kids to school the next day while I headed back to clinic for my stem cell appointment and had all my luggage and Christmas gifts in my car. My mom and dad (my other two angels) joined me. I got my stem cells (anti-climatic) and we drove to our hotel and checked in. I decorated for Christmas and went to bed.

On Friday, the girls were done with school and they joined us in Salt Lake. Already, I was feeling awful-- fatigued and developing chest pains. It's like I had acid reflux but could not get any of it out. I knew mucositis was setting in-- a painful inflammation and ulceration of the mucous membranes lining the digestive tract.

By Monday night, I was in terrible pain. I was barely able to swallow, my mouth was coated in mucus, and I felt like someone was stabbing me in the chest. I could not swallow my pills. Off to clinic I went and soon enough, I was readmitted into the hospital. I wanted to SCREAM. Myeloma took away my birthday, Thanksgiving, and now Christmas? But I needed help. I was severely dehydrated and thirsty. I could sip water and fruit punch but that was it. The pain in my chest made me cry. I was given my medications via IV. I was hooked to a morphine pump (which took 7 attempts and huge bruising to get that IV into a vein in my arm), and I was given IV fluids. For five days, I ate not one morsel of food. My weight plummeted. My doctors begged me to eat. How the hell was I supposed to eat when I couldn't even swallow?

Finally on Christmas day, I begged (and won) my exit from the hospital. I went home throwing up in a bag and crawled into bed and fell asleep. Merry Christmas! The only good news is that my daughters had a wonderful day-- thanks to my sister-in-law who had them spend the night. They baked cookies, watched movies, ate popcorn and Santa came to their house. The next morning they opened all their gifts. I spent too much, as usual, but after asking both girls their number one favorite gift, they both said the same thing: Their flight/trip to San Diego to visit their sister, Kalie, and Nicole. They leave in two weeks. I am so grateful that they are maintaining close relationships with their step sisters even if their dad has pulled a disappearing act (don't even get me started on this one).

So here I am today, one week post engraftment and, while doing a bit better each day, it's been tough. I am weak. I tire easily. I've struggle with terrible diarrhea (finally gone!). I throw up at least once per day. I eat, but maybe 500-700 calories max per day. I am too thin. I can't even stomach getting on a scale to see what I weigh now. My scalp itches like hell because my hair is growing back. I can't tell if I am losing my eyelashes but if I'm not, they are so short and mini. Thank goodness I have Morgan, my 15 year old daughter, here to work her makeup magic.

....So, it's time to start putting "me" back together.

Last night I started off with a 90 minute pedicure. My feet feel great at least. Next week, if I have enough eyelashes, I'm getting eyelashes extensions. If they've all fallen out by then, this will obviously need to wait. I am getting a Roman soak bath and back facial. Also a one hour massage and one hour facial. I'm getting microdermabrasion, too. I am spending four days at the spa and you know what? I deserve it. My skin is dry and miserable. I am miserable. So one step at a time, putting "me" back together.

And I'll give myself a few more days of just slowly getting up and doing something different-- go out to lunch, go for a drive... whatever, anything. And then I'll start on our exercise bike-- 15 minutes if that's all I can do. I am so weak, did I say that already? I need to start slowly building up strength and stamina. Since it's cold and we have snow on the ground, I am grateful that we have a home gym, with a bike, elyptical machine, treadmill, free weights and a sauna. This will give me all the tools I need to get back to my normal snarky, high energy (most of the time) self.

Someone asked me recently why I did another transplant instead of the new medications and therapies. DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED. I begged for elotuzumab. I begged for clinical trials. Nothing came to fruition and then I was told things were critical and I needed to act NOW. Was this worth it? No. This has been the worse experience of my entire life. I should have been at U Penn doing their Car T Cell therapy trial but since I was in transplant, I'm not eligible. I should have been on elotuzumab, which would have given me time. I should not be struggling to recover from a horrible transplant. I should not have lost all my hair and be back in a wig again. But it's done and I must move forward. I just need to get strong and well, and that's what I'll focus on. And be grateful that I am alive.

Cheers,

Lizzy

When life let's you down, then what? Make a new one or find happiness in the one you've got

My latest via Divorced Moms! This is a subject very close to my heart-- finding joy, purpose and meaning. Yes, it is THAT important!

Letting Go Of The Life You Had & Embracing A Better Version

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by Lizzy Smith for Divorced Moms

September 21, 2015

I knew from a young age what "success" would look like. It included a husband, a couple kids, a few dogs, a great career, life in a city near a major airport, a nice car and travel. I worked very hard to achieve that. During that time, I think that many of my friends, co-workers and neighbors thought I had it all. I had the husband, two beautiful daughters, a very good job, a beautiful home, two dogs (a lab named Bear and a husky named Pushkin), a vacation home in the mountains, and loads of cool trips. But there were days I would look at my life, totally baffled. How did I end up with this? And why did none of it make me happy? Because after the front door was closed in my beautiful San Diego neighborhood and the children were tucked in bed, and I had a chance to sit on the diving board of my back yard pool with killer views of the city lights off in the distance, I had time to take a good hard look at my reality. And it was this:

-My awesome hubby was passed out drunk in bed

-I still had dishes to put away

-I had loads of work I brought home with me that needed to get done

-I needed to put away piles of laundry

-The dogs still needed their walk

-I was overworked

-I loved my daughters more than anything in the entire world but I had no time to enjoy them

-I detested my husband. There were some nights I would stare at him while he slept/was passed out drunk and I realize that maybe I hated him

-My job did not inspire me one tiny bit. In fact, I felt it a professional wasteland

-Unbeknownst to me yet, I had cancer growing in my body

-My beautiful home, if you looked closely, needed more work than I could wrap my head around. Like the pristine, sparking swimming pool needed to be drained and completely redone. It was like my marriage-- at a glance, it was awesome; look closely, and it was ugly and broken. I did not have the money or energy to fix it

How did I work so hard to achieve a life I hated? Was it possible in middle age to reverse course?

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How to make & maintain friendships? Be the perfect host!

I took my children to their first day of school this morning. I am so sad that summer is over! Where did it go? Now we are back to structured bedtimes and drop-offs, tutoring schedules, soccer practice and games, cheer practices and competitions, endless homework packets... I am so not ready! I don't think my daughters are either but it's time to slap on that happy face and let's do it and make it THE BEST YEAR EVER.


Morgan enters high school (in Utah, it's three years, not four). She went with a friend and let's hope it all turns out fabulously. It's quite strange, to be honest, my tiny little girl now older and hanging out with friends, getting in their cars and driving up the canyons for star gazing. And much more... A week ago, I went to the basement to find three girls and five boys hanging out. William told Morgan this was all allowed with some rules so they were all fine. Still, hello, when did this happen? And she is driving with her driver's permit. Yikes. Time flies. Last Friday, she went to a high school football game. William and I showed up and found her sitting in the stands. "Morgan, hi!" we shouted, waving. "We love you!" She seriously wanted to crawl under the bench. We thought it highly funny.


And then there's Siena who is growing like a weed. She is just an inch shorter than her sister and they now wear the same size shoe. Dear heavens. And if you hear her speak, you'd think she was 30 years old. This morning while eating breakfast I quizzed her about our summer. "If your teacher asks you what you did this summer, what will you say?" She stared at me blankly. Oy vey. "Ok, let's start with the five new states you visited. Go!" After some coaching, she got it right: Oregon, Washington, Florida, Georgia and South Carolina. "What new country?" She got that one right-- Canada. And what are some of the fun things we did? "Hid from wild alligators, swam in a lake in Canada, watched fun street performers in Victoria, went up the big ferris wheel in Seattle and watched them throw fish at each other, did fireworks all day on 4th of July, went to the slavemart, hung out with Julie and Shane and caught frogs at the lake, went surfing, and went to Disneyworld. Oh, we went swimming a lot and stayed in a haunted mansion in Savannah.... Wow, not bad!

Here is my latest on Divorced Moms. This is how you make and maintain friends. Or at least one way! Enjoy.

Lizzy


Becoming The Perfect Host (A Fab Way Of Keeping Friends)
by Lizzy Smith                    

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August 17, 2015

As divorced moms, more than ever, we need friends and support structures. And that can mean reconnecting with, or making sure we stay connected to, people we love. Whether a few miles away or in another country, having friends means that we aren't lonely and that we have all kinds of social options for keeping the blues at bay.

 

I've never taken my friends and family for granted. And once I got sick and split from my abusive husband, those ties became more important than ever. In the throws of illness, sadness and chaos, I began to fully realize how many people loved and supported me. There were times that I was seriously blown away by the outpouring of love and support I received from others. I became almost obsessed with becoming the best friend, daughter, sister or neighbor I could be. I wanted to make sure that I gave back that love.

 

I also reconnected with those I had lost touch with. One such example was my former colleague, Stephanie. We worked together some 15 years ago. We reconnected on Facebook and weeks later, she sent me a message announcing that her employer was relocating her to Buenos Aires and she could tell from my posts that I loved to travel. She invited me to visit. Really? Days later, my fiancé and I purchased plane tickets and the next thing you know, Stephanie and I were catching up in person in South America. On that same trip, we took the ferry to Montevideo, Uruguay and stayed with my aunt and uncle for several days. We just got back from Florida where my future sister and brother-in-law hosted us in their beautiful home in Jacksonville. And then there was Seattle hanging with Cristina and Ryan… I could give more examples, but you get the point.

 

I love having friends spread out around the globe and when I get invites to visit, I rarely say no. Not only do I get to save money on our travels, but I love reconnecting with people I love. One of my favorite trips ever was a week in Paris just blocks from the Yves St Laurent flagship store and a personal tour guide.

 

And then there are the invites to barbecues, pool parties, and dinners. Getting out and being social is the best pick-me-up I could ever fathom.

 

In my recent experiences (and there have been many), I have noticed some universal traits of really great hosts, which I try to emulate when I have visitors in my own home. Becoming a great host is an art form and it takes practice. It means making your guests feel comfortable, welcomed, and well taken care of. Anticipating their needs and even incorporating great conversation skills are essential.

As I get ready to host some big gatherings over the next few months, I’ve started running through what my hosts have done to make me feel so welcomed. Here they are:

1. Give your overnight guests a private (and clean) space of their own
   Even if you must relocate your children to a shared bedroom for a few days, or the basement, give your guests a quiet, clean, private space to call their own. Put fresh linens on the bed and pillows, and straighten up. If possible, and if your guests are staying for more than a night or two, try and clear up closet and drawer space for them so they can unpack.
2. Stock up the bathroom
   Make sure there is shampoo and hair conditioner, and fresh soap in the shower. Put out fresh soap (or fill the soap decanter) at the bathroom sink. Put out clean towels and washcloths for them to use. It also makes sense to keep extra toothbrushes, toothpaste and other bathroom necessities in case they forget theirs. These don’t need to cost a lot of money—go to the Dollar Store and pick up a pack of four toothbrushes for (you guessed it) under a dollar for the set. Always make sure there is extra toilet paper that is easy to find and bathroom air freshener.
3. Stock the fridge
   I don’t think it’s necessary to spend a ton of money but it is important to have some basics, like coffee and cream, fresh fruit and cereal, and snack items. When your guests arrive, show them the fridge and make them feel comfortable helping themselves.

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Packing for Argentina, and saying NO MORE HOMEWORK via Divorced Moms

As much as I LOVE to travel, I HATE to pack! Since we leave for Buenos Aires on Monday, I can't put it off much longer. So today I am doing laundry and Sunday I'm packing. I can't believe our Big Trip is just a few days away! We have all our travel booked and I think we are ready. We even have an appointment at the Brazilian consulate in Buenos Aires in our attempt to get a fast Visa so we can tour the Brazilian side of Iguazu Falls. If that fails, we'll spend a rest day hanging out at the pool at our beautiful hotel instead and just see the Argentinian side of the falls.

Anyhoo... here is my latest via Divorced Moms. Enjoy! And happy Friday. Have a fabulous weekend, my dearest readers.

Best, Lizzy

NO MORE HOMEWORK! Putting My Foot Down & Recapture (Some) Sanity
by Lizzy Smith                    

February 27, 2015

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Before I even get started on this one, let me say that few things are more important to me than education and raising smart, intellectually curious, inquisitive children. And I really like my daughter's teacher. She is interesting, well traveled, and vivacious. But... last night, I had a nearly one hour chat with her and it got rather heated at one point. I told her that my nine-year old daughter and I were simply not doing all the homework she brings home every day anymore. Starting right now. I finally put my foot down. Giver her an F if you must, but this is too much for her.

…Here’s the background:

At just nine-years old (third grade), my daughter averages over two hours per night of homework and it’s not enough. She struggles with reading and what we ought to be doing is concentrating on that. But we can’t because the homework packet, which must be turned in every Friday, takes precedence. So she comes home and before I barely say hello, we open up her backpack and start powering through writing her spelling words four times, alphabetizing them, dividing them into syllables, writing sentences with them, reviewing her site word list, writing paragraphs, doing math pages… And that’s just the beginning. After two hours of this, there is simply no time or energy left to read, yet she’s supposed to read over an hour per night. Um… three plus hours of homework? For a nine year old?

Add to that, I signed her up for private tutoring for her reading issues. So that’s another half hour of school work. It is endless and she doesn’t have the emotional or mental capacity to spend a day in school and then come home and do hours more of homework. And neither do I. We are burned out, stressed out, annoyed and miserable.

What about time to talk, eat dinner together, cook together, or play and rest? Nope, there’s the homework packet. Most every day after school, she has swim lessons, which last about an hour. Do we sacrifice anything fun or physically good for her so we can sit in a home and write more sentences?

The final straw was a few weeks ago when my daughter brought home a packet for a project that all third graders were supposed to do. Pick an important historical person, read three books, look up at least one additional article on the Internet, write a report, memorize it to present in front of the class, do a poster and dress up as that person. And yet no mounds of the traditional homework were eased up in order to make room for this new, time-intensive project.

I was done. I talked it over with my daughter and we decided that we weren’t doing it. We had zero capacity to add anything else to our full plate. She would get an F and, at third grade, I didn’t care one iota. I cared more about her mental sanity, concentrating on her reading, and letting everything else go. Learning to prioritize at nine-years old is not a bad concept to teach. We also decided that from here going forward, we would read 40 minutes per night and then work for another 30 minutes on homework and stop. If she turned in incomplete homework packets, oh well.

I sent her teacher a text. “Thanks for the packet for a new assignment. Sounds interesting but we are declining. We are drowning and can’t take on any more work.”

Her teacher called me last night. “You want me to excuse Siena from this project but no other student?”

“You don’t need to excuse her. I’m simply letting you know we aren’t doing it. You can give her an F,” I said.

She was not happy. She doubted that we really spent as much time working on homework as I claimed. She asked me to go day-by-day on her homework list, which I did. She couldn’t argue with that. Do some teachers really not understand how much time it takes to get the work they pile on completed?

“Well maybe she shouldn’t be in after school activities,” she said.

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