Setting boundaries: Sticking up for ourselves is a really good idea

Oh, heart be still. This is one topic I am beyond passionate about-- setting boundaries! This holds true for all relationships in our lives-- human or otherwise. Because if we put up with horrible behavior, or behavior that hurts us, we pay a huge price for it. My latest via Divorced Moms.

Ready To End Up With A Jerk? Let Him Treat You Like Shit
by Lizzy Smith                    

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May 06, 2016

Tonight, I am horrified. I just spoke with a friend, “Dana” at a support group. Here was her question:

 

“I’m dating this guy that I’m super into. He is dating and sleeping with other women and has told me this. This really hurts and I’ve tried to be ok with it but I’m not. It really hurts. Am I being selfish for wanting monogamy?”

 

I almost fell out of my chair. And then I REALLY almost fell out of my chair when I heard others in the support group hem and haw. Many of the comments were a variation of “maybe.”

 

Are you fucking kidding me? I wanted to scream. But I thought better of it. Instead, I tried to be somewhat civil but I apparently came on too strong. I told her that…

• You are NOT being selfish EVER for expecting a guy to treat you well.
• If a relationship hurts, you (EVERYONE) should RUN and NEVER look back. That is true for a guy one is dating, a friend, an employer, neighbors, a religion… Because relationships that hurt are abusive.
• You should set high standards and boundaries and know that if those people (or entities) in your life violates them, hanging around is a really bad idea.
• You owe no one apologies for sticking up for yourself.
• You should trust your instincts and not be afraid to act on them.
• If he’s sleeping with other women, he’s just not that into you. Because if he was, he wouldn’t be out there looking for better. (I mean, if that’s ok with her, she either has super low self-esteem to put up with this or then she’s not “that into him” either.)
• Expecting monogamy is not all that high a standard to expect. (Sure, initially, if one sleeps with a guy super fast, you can't expect monogamy. But if you've been dating for awhile and he's still sleeping with others and not even making an effort to hide it from you, that says a lot for where he thinks your relationship is heading. If you're totally hip with that, proceed. But then again, why are you in a support group?)

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Why should you journal your relationship? Clarity, my friends

From Divorced Moms a few days ago as I try to catch up.

Finding Clarity: The Importance of Documenting Your Relationships
by Lizzy Smith                    

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March 03, 2016

Here's one of my biggest pieces of advice to those of you in difficult relationships: Write yourself letters. Keep a journal. Document it. You should never forget or confuse your painful reality.

There were times in my highly abusive marriage that I thought I would explode in anger, sadness and frustration. One day, I started writing myself emails as a reminder that I was living in Hell. I did not want to have another makeup session with my husband and "forget" how horrible things really were.

You see, life can be really confusing when you are living a life of volatility. There are good times and then - bam! - things turn horrible and ugly in an instant. And then there's a period of calm and peace until - bam! - again, another terrible episode. During those "good" times (I use this term loosely because when one is walking on eggshells, nothing is ever good-- you know that life will become ugly and frightening again, you're just not sure when), I needed something I could refer back to that reminded me of my true reality. Something I could read and remember, and could use to smack myself upside the head and say "Lizzy, your Hell is REAL. This whole 'he's being such a great guy right now' is a fallacy."

Sometimes instead of writing myself an email, I'd draw pictures. One night, my husband, Rob the Great (Alcoholic) came home drunk, screamed at me, and passed out. It was early, like 7 pm. I sat on the floor not far from our bed, watching him breathe and I loathed him. I took out a piece of paper and drew a picture of a volcano exploding. I wrote notes that said things like: Rob is happy (that was near the bottom of the volcano when the lava was nowhere near the top), and then the smoke coming out of the top (Rob is about ready to scream at me), then spewing volcano with a stick figure of me covering my head in fear. I filed it away so I could pull it out at any time and remind myself that somewhere in that picture of a volcano was Rob's behavior-- either calm or exploding. One thing that was a given-- Rob would cycle through my volcano picture: calm, seething, exploding. Repeat. Because of the uncertainty of when any of this would happen, life was truly scary for me Every.Single.Day. Dreadful, really.

My emails, writings, and diagrams have helped me. There are times even to this day when I will start remembering only our good times and wonder if maybe I overreacted. And then all I need to do is refer back to my trusty file and read and remember. No, Lizzy, you were right. Things were bad, very bad. As tempting as it can be to romanticize a former relationship, this can be extremely dangerous, especially if you are trying to escape, or are escaping, an abusive relationship. You must never, ever forget reality.

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On snowy Spring days and painful breakups. Best way to mend a broken heart? 11 tips!

It is April 15, Tax Day, and it is SNOWING here along Utah's beautiful Wasatch front. I don't mean just a little snow, but A LOT of snow! We have had the mildest winter. It's felt like Spring for months. But today is more winter than we've had since pretty much Christmas day. I love it! A few days we were melting in heat and humidity in Honduras, and today we are back in Uggs and parkas. This will only last a day or two, and then it's back to Springtime weather.


And while it's cold and snowy outside, my heart breaks alongside a good friend of mine who is suffering a broken (shattered?) heart. Breakups SUCK. Last night, I wrote about it in my latest Divorced Moms column. Here it is.

11 Steps For Healing A Broken Heart. It's One Day At A Time!
by Lizzy Smith                    

April 14, 2015

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I just got home from a coffee meet-up with my good friend "Sherry." She just broke up with her boyfriend last night and she is really struggling. One look at her, and I knew she isn't sleeping. I know all too well that deep pain. When I broke up with "Tom" (the one who got away), I would cry my way to work, manage to hold it together if I was around other people, step back into my office and tear up again. I was a mess, unable to sleep or eat or concentrate on anything. Even spending time with my daughter was a blur- she'd speak to me and I know I had that blank look in my eyes that meant I had no idea what she was talking about.

"My biggest fear," she said, "is that I let him go and I'm just alone."

"But that's not the worse thing ever," I corrected her quickly.

Trust me, I get it. When I fled from my now ex-husband, I was on a MISSION to find a new boyfriend, preferably a husband, before I was too sick and old to find anyone. I felt I was on borrowed time, what with being diagnosed with cancer and all. It took me a good solid year before I realized that I was perfectly ok with being single. I was surrounded by love-- my children, family, friends... This was far preferable than being married to the wrong guy.

"Think about it," I said. "If you never marry again, you have your children, some day you'll have grandchildren and friends and a community of people you love doing things with. That doesn't sound nearly as awful as being married to this guy who isn't accepting your children and has you walking on eggshells. You will be fine. You will not be alone or lonely." As I spoke, I envisioned the cute little old lady group I saw on our recent cruise. They were single, either widowed, divorced or never married, and having a great time dancing, exploring and socializing together. They looked far happier than many of the couples I saw on that ship.

So here was my advice on how to get through the tough days and weeks ahead.

1. "If you're going through hell, keep going" - Winston Churchill
I love this quote. If you are in a bad relationship, don't just sit there. Because if you do, it'll never end. Your hell will remain endless. But if you keep walking, keep going, keep moving, it will eventually end. Memorize this quote. Write it on your bathroom mirror if you must. It will give you strength.

2. Sleep
If the only way you can find peaceful slumber- something your body needs!- is with medicated help, get it. I'm not advocating a drug overdose, but a Tylenol PM or a glass of wine may be in order. It's ok (if you ask me).

3. Eat Right
Now is a fabulous time to renew your commitment to yourself. Eat healthy foods. It'll help keep you emotionally sane and strong. Limit sugar and processed foods. Loads of nuts, beans, fruits and veggies-- you know the drill.

4. Exercise
Power walks. Join a gym. Discover a new hiking trail. Join a swim team or softball team. Take up yoga. Your body needs exercise to be healthy and strong. So does your spirit. Plus, since you'll be re-entering the dating scene at some point in the future, it's time to start feeling more confident. Exercise is a fabulous way to do that.

5. Read
My favorite book ever when I suffered a painful breakup was "He's Just Not That Into You." It was true, funny, and kept me strong from going back to my ex boyfriend when there really was no point.

6. Make A List Of The Relationship's Bad Points
It's hard to remember why the two of you broke up sometimes. We tend to remember only the good, with the bad a fading memory. This is not good! Make a list of all the bad things about him and your relationship. Be brutally honest! When you feel tempted to try and reconcile, re-read that list a million times if that's what it takes. You deserve better and sticking in a bad relationship will never give you the freedom to find that "better," even if that means being a happy single person.

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