Why dating again immediately post split is a really bad idea. Do NOT do it!!

I have heard from several readers of late debating the wisdom of splitting from your spouse and then immediately jumping back into the dating scene. Ten to one, my readers agree with me. Many have made this mistake and have lived to regret it. Many have dated men who were fresh off a relationship. They agree that they inherited a fucked up mess in the head. Not fun after the hormones calm down a bit. Many women were the ones who jumped back into dating immediately and also regret it. They feel sorry for the guy who ended up with their messed up heads. They hurt people. They hurt themselves. Anyway, I felt compelled to write about the topic (again) on Divorced Moms. Here it is...

Just Split From Your Hubby? Do NOT Jump Back Into the Dating Game

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BY LIZZY SMITH

April 05, 2016

I have written a few articles about dating before one’s divorce is final.

Tempted to Date A Guy Who Just Split With His Wife? You're Nuts

Important Lessons From A Guy Who Dated Immediately Post Split

In my opinion, this is total insanity. There are a myriad of reasons why I believe this so strongly. They include:

You need time to emotionally heal

Don’t kid yourself (or anyone else) by claiming that you mourned the end of your marriage while still married. Or that you don’t love the guy anymore (maybe never did). Blah blah blah. Truth is, regardless of the state of your marriage prior to actually moving out and one of you filing for divorce (worse yet, for those who still may be living with their soon-to-be ex), you’re now in a whole new world. Being in a bad marriage, and then transitioning out of it, is a huge change and you need time to process it, reflect on your new life and where you want it to go, and come to terms with the mistakes you made in your marriage. Now is the time to focus on YOU. Get therapy. Start a new work-out routine. Indulge in retail therapy. Go for long walks and meditate. Take a girls-only vacation. Redecorate or re-organize your house. Jumping right into the dating scene will actually hamper your healing process. Sure, finding new love can assuage emotional pain, but feeling pain is part of healing. It must happen. It gets better. 

You’re still married

Call me old fashioned, but marriage matters. With that kind of commitment, the end of your marriage deserves your full attention. Inserting a third party into the mix is a potential disaster. It can cause all kinds of additional hurt feelings and confusion for you, your husband, and your children. Too many people are in too much pain, why add heaps more to satisfy your need to ignore it? 

You need to concentrate

Especially if your divorce is a high conflict one, you need to concentrate on the divorce proceedings. Keep your head in the game, stay clear. If you start dating a new guy, it will take your focus off of things that can have huge ramifications for your financial future. If you feel in love or emotionally “high,” you may be far more likely to rush your divorce to its finality regardless of the terms, which may not be in your best interests at all.

If you have children, they need you!

Your children are likely utterly confused and in unimaginable pain. The last thing they need is for their mom to be showing up with new men. Let them have “just you” for a while. Spend extra time with them—quality time. For every minute you spend looking for a new guy, you could be talking to your children.

It’s not fair to your date

While you’re still an emotional wreck, it simply is not fair to the guy you’re dating. In your transition phase, you are likely not at your best. When you do start dating again, you should be as emotionally healthy as possible, for your sake and his.

I did not follow my own advice and it was a huge mistake. I left my husband and two months later, I had an insatiable desire to see what the dating world was like. It had been so long since I felt love. I wanted to find a new crush and feel passion again. I told everyone (and myself) that I never loved my husband, felt nothing at all when I left him, and was happier than ever now that he was gone. I had mourned my marriage while still married. I was ready to date! Plus, honestly, I just wanted to know what my options were—a single mom of two daughters and with a terrible illness. I was literally going through chemo treatments, I was wearing a wig, and had almost no eyelashes left. Would any guy even want to date me? I had to find out.

Keep reading...

Merry Christmas! Our Holiday makeover (not by choice)

All I Want for Christmas Is... Love. Our Do-Over Holiday

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BY LIZZY SMITH for Divorced Moms

December 13, 2015

I absolutely love the holidays. But this year, it hasn't started out so great. Thanks to a horrible bout of pneumonia, I was robbed of our Thanksgiving entirely, forced to be away from my family because I was in the midst of a 15 day hospital stay while I tried to get well.

While my daughters and dad went to Chuck-a-rama for dinner because no one could cook for them, and my husband was in Seattle visiting his daughter, my mom and I were hanging out in my hospital room while I ate popcorn in bed. It was awful. I was heartbroken that instead of spending several days prior cooking and baking and getting the good dishes out on the table, I was eating horrid hospital food. Instead of shopping, I was getting horrible tests to determine my type of pneumonia.

This year won’t be a typical Christmas either. I will be some 45-minutes away in a “clean” apartment awaiting my recovery from a stem cell transplant. Because I knew I would be away from home for Christmas, I had to make some BIG decisions about what the holidays meant to me, my children and family so that I could craft how to make this season work for us.

We have family traditions that run deep: big meals, lots of relatives eating together, opening gifts on Christmas eve, watching the news for Santa sightings so the girls could get in bed before his annual visit, waking up the next morning to open mountains of gifts and join more family members for food and games. It really is special, joyous and fun. And over their break from school, we were planning on baking endless amounts of cookies, going to lots of holiday parties, shopping and wrapping gifts. I bought then season ski passes and I was going to put them in ski school and arrange ski dates with friends on the slopes.

But, scratch all of that. Since I am required to move into my clean apartment in just days, my daughters and decided together that, expense aside, I would rent a two bedroom/two bath room at Marriott’s Residence Inn. It comes with a full kitchen, living room and fireplace. That meant there was room for them and my parents (my caregivers through my transplant) to join me. And while we cried crocodile tears, we purchased a tiny tree and gifts for those we love. We wrapped them and put them in a big pile to take up to my apartment.

Keep reading...

Who can wait for a myeloma cure? Not me!

I am so honored and excited to be featured in Myeloma Crowd's video where we answer "Who can wait for a cure? Not me!" It is right here. http://www.myelomacrowd.org/cant-wait-for-a-cure/

The MCRI Is Speeding The Case Of Research

The Myeloma Crowd Research Initiative is now underway. This is the first time that patients have joined together to help find and fund potentially curative research for themselves. Bold? Yes. Needed? Absolutely.

With 1 out of 12 proposed projects actually funded by the National Cancer Institute, bad researchers have long since left the field. Dr. Craig Crews, inventor of carfilzomib, describes it as “cutting into bone” for talented researchers trying to make new discoveries. Young researchers are wary to join a field where they can’t drive to better outcomes for patients, simply because there is no funding.

I can’t sit and wait, can you? To wait for the “standard” process we’ve used for the last 50 years, we will wait patiently for an on-average 10-year cycle to find a new drug. Today, we are thrilled that newer drugs are coming into the clinic for multiple myeloma and are extending life, but none so far are considered to be “curative”. Frankly, I don’t have the time to wait. With a disease that has on average a 4-6 life expectancy, most of us will be gone in that 10 year period if we do nothing.

We have an opportunity before us. With the help of top notch myeloma experts, we have now found two thrilling projects that need our attention and funding. We set out to find solutions for high-risk multiple myeloma. What we found was cutting-edge research that will be effective for high-risk patients but also for low and standard risk patients. These two projects are immunotherapies, or ways to wake up the immune system to fight myeloma. To learn more about these projects, click here.

Patients can’t control everything about their disease, but they can determine how quickly a cure is discovered. While all may not be able to donate to research, we all have family and friends around us who want to see us thrive. Today, you can create your own fundraising page and invite the people who love you to support you by donating to that page. This is a meaningful way they can help  extend your life.

All of the proceeds raised will be donated to these two projects and donors will know exactly how their donation is being applied.

We have donation thank you gifts and prizes for top personal fundraising pages, but our best reward will be to see game-changing research come to the clinic for each of us.

Please join us today to be an agent of change for your own disease.

PLEASE donate! 

Please consider donating to my Myeloma page. Simply click here. Your donation is fully tax deductible. 

Details on MCRI

The Myeloma Crowd Research Initiative has selected two potentially CURATIVE myeloma clinical trials to fund. These trials are happening NOW and are track-able. That means you can watch, participate, and track their progress. Your donation will NOT go into a Big Black Hole of "general donation" never to be heard and scene of again. I am raising funds to help move these exciting projects forward. The very lives of multiple myeloma patients DEPEND ON IT.

We can CURE this blood cancer but I need YOUR help to do this. If you are so inclined, I will be forever grateful for your support. A donation in any amount will help. To donate, simple click here or copy and past this into your browser:
http://mcri.myelomacrowd.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=1115055&lis=1&kntae1115055=9F5BDE4FC91E4BBF8EA1E4840F79CCB1&supId=423004428

Thank you for considering. I love my readers. You inspire me, you give me strength, and your friendship and support means more than you will ever know.

Regardless of your challenges in life, know that we have the internal strength to overcome. It is not always easy, but we are stronger than we can ever fathom. Go.Fight.WIN!!!

Much love,
Lizzy