Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Life in the Alcohol Zone: No mom should EVER have a phone call like this one

Dear Readers,

Unfortunately, as much as we may try to forget, some events are unforgettable (for all the wrong, awful, horrific reasons). Last night, my mom was reminiscing (not in a good way!) about her last conversation with my ex-husband, Rob the Great (Alcoholic). I have to admit that these stories are really hard to write because when I am done, I feel sick. Still, these stories must be told because they are REAL and I am not the only one who has suffered (is currently suffering) horrible abuse. The more I come out of the shadows and share my story, the more I know I help others. And while my entire body is tense right now, it is important to get this out, to continue purging, and to memorialize things that should never go unrecognized. It was really hard living my former life, it was REALLY hard leaving and sticking up for myself during our contentious divorce, and it is really hard sharing it. But to the extent that I help one person escape alcoholism and abuse, it is worth it. Just one. It will be worth the pain I experience every time I write and relive it. My stories are RAW, REAL and HONEST. I wish I could say I exaggerate them but I do not. Please, if this is you, save yourself. And I pray that we parents never need to have this conversation with our child's partner, ever. Because it is awful. My latest via Divorced Moms.

Much love always,


 My God, It's THAT Bad. My Mom's Last Conversation With My Hubby
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September 23, 2015
635543455974092208Fotolia_69062263_XS.jpgI've written about life with my ex-husband, Rob the Great (Alcoholic) often. A quick recap: he was a functioning alcoholic who was incredibly explosive and abusive. I put up with his inexcusable behavior as long as I could until I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma (a blood cancer). Just days later, I packed up the car, children and cat and moved from San Diego (I went on disability with my employer) to Utah and into my parents' basement so I could enter treatment. It was quite a dramatic exit, filled with horror. On my way out, Rob threatened to cancel my health insurance if I didn't get my ass home. He accused me of faking my diagnosis, and of being a liar and much more.
In the beginning...
During the time I was married to Rob, he was awesome to my family and friends. He was energetic, fun, outgoing and a fabulous host. You see, when Rob has an audience, he becomes a happy drunk. And, in fact, if you do not know the signs to look for (glassy eyes, mint in his mouth, extra high falsetto voice, slurred speech), you would not know he was drinking at all. You would just think he fun and awesome. When my parents came to visit, he was in extra amazing form-- always with plans to have fun, go boating, go out to eat, throw a dinner party, or drive over the border to Tijuana for lobster.
When my parents went home from their frequent visits, I called my mom almost every day as I was driving home from work, oftentimes to vent about Rob's horrible behavior and our most recent absurd and ridiculous fights. Trust me, fighting with Rob the Great (Alcoholic) after he's had a few drinks (or wants to drink) is something that must be seen to be believed. It is something straight out of a movie: bizarre, over-the-top, and frightening. My mom would be horrified. She had never seen his behavior like that. 
Or did she?
She has shared with me some of the odd behavior she witnessed. Small strange patterns but, knowing what she knew, they were still signs of trouble. They included:
  • How he could sit on the couch watching TV while I cooked and cleaned and worked like a mule
  • How he could come home from work so early and still maintain a job (he was often home, already drunk, by 3PM or even earlier)
  • His constant hand-wringing when he was trying to gather the family to go out and do something fun
  • His high-pitched voice (which got higher the more he drank)
  • His agitation when there was nothing fun on the agenda
  • How he could sometimes go to bed (i.e. "pass out") so early
  • His nearly total lack of doing any true work around the house, like take out trash, walk the dogs, or put a dish away
  • Why he seemed to need so much sleep
  • His constant, insatiable desire to find something to do and near panic when he couldn't
  • How quickly he could become agitated (like one time when I had accidentally cancelled a massage appointment and he would not stop badgering me)
But her last conversation with Rob took the cake. She was describing it last night and it brought back such horrible memories.