Thursday, March 26, 2015

I should have dumped him sooner but I felt sorry for him

Liz Lizette Smith Nielsen's photo.

Today I am sitting in clinic getting Aridia (three hours) via IV, then Carfilzomib (30 minutes), a pregnancy test so I can get my Revlimid filled (so absurd that at 47 years old, Celgene still requires a monthly pregnancy test so they will dispense my medication), and having loads of time to write and blog and catch up on Facebook. This is day 2 of 3 days that I will spend in clinic THIS WEEK ALONE. Yesterday I was here for hours getting IVIG via IV to strengthen my immune system. My white blood cell counts are really low and I am sick all the dang time and I am so very tired of it. So this will hopefully help out. And then tomorrow, it's day 2 of Carfilzomib. This drug is administered via IV twice per week. This week, it's Thursday and Friday and each appointment takes about an hour minimum. Sigh. I'd rather be outside hiking the canyons. Or doing laundry.

Being a myeloma warrior is a very time consuming process. It's not painful, but side effects suck and the total fatigue of sitting for so many drugs, filling drug prescriptions, and taking them is making me a little crazy.

Anyway, interesting conversation with my extremely wise 14-year old daughter yesterday. She had a boyfriend for a few weeks. Having a boyfriend (at least for my daughter at this young age) means that the two of them see each other at school and basically everyone knows that they like each other most. They also text and Snapchat from home. I do not allow my daughter to go on real dates, not until she's older. Anyway, she decided for a myriad of reasons that she didn't want to be in a relationship anymore so she broke it off with him.

"I'm so mad at myself," she said yesterday in the car while we were driving to tutoring. "I never wanted to be in a relationship with him at all. He was just really nice and I felt sorry for him."

Oh, wow, the "sorry" thing. What a great teaching moment and I'm so happy we have the kind of mommy-daughter relationship in which she would confide in me at all. And I'd much rather her learn about this stuff at 14 years old than at 38 years old like I did.

"You must always put your best interests first, ESPECIALLY when it comes to boys," I said.

"Did you ever do this?" she asked.

Uh oh, this one wasn't a pretty answer. "Yes," I said. "With Daddy. I never loved him, I did like him because I didn't know about the alcohol. And he was really into me. I didn't want to hurt his feelings and break up with him, or even continue going out with him at all. And then look what happened, I married him. It didn't work so well."

My daughter, who loves her dad and misses him like crazy, said, "OK I don't want to talk about that anymore."

"I agree. I'm really sorry. But I always want to be truthful with you when you ask a question," I said.

Truth can be really hard to hear. Painful. Awful. So much easier to lie. But I simply won't do it. I won't offer up info that's awful, but if someone asks, I'm telling the truth. Always. It's that important with building character and trust.

Next question. "Have you ever really been in love with a guy?" she asked. Of course, I wouldn't be getting married again if I didn't love Bill. I loved David, and I loved Todd insane amounts, I said. I cried forever when it ended. It took me a good solid five years before I felt OK with that relationship's demise.

"Love is amazing when you find the right boy," I said. "It also hurts a lot sometimes. But it's worth it."

And then we moved on to another topic. I love being a mom sometimes.