Tuesday, May 21, 2013

A great dad abandons his kids

This is Bob with Siena in Yekaterinburg, Russia. Bob and I adopted Siena together. When Bob and I met, I was in the process of adopting another child. I had been granted permission to bring a child into the country and had completed my home study but that was it. When Bob and I decided to marry, we also decided together to adopt Siena.

For our honeymoon, we traveled to Yekaterinburg to meet Siena. It took two more trips after that one to bring her home.

This is Bob with Morgan. I adopted Morgan in 2002, also from Russia. One of the reasons I moved forward with a relationship with Bob was because he was so great with Morgan. Finally, I thought, Morgan can have a great dad.

Bob has abandoned Morgan and Siena. He told me a few times after I left him that he would "maybe" have a relationship with them when it wasn't so stressful for him. I begged him many times not to take the anger we had between each other and transfer that to the children. But he did anyway. I mean, hey, who cares about innocent kids who love you a lot when there's alcohol to be had, right?

Bob was a fun dad. He doesn't parent (because that's not fun), but he does play hard with the kids. The girls truly love him. And they miss him. And it breaks my heart.

One day over the summer, Siena took my aunt Casi to her room and was showing her pictures. She pointed out a photo of Bob. "This is my dad. I think he's still alive," and she started crying.

This past Super Bowl Sunday was really hard for Morgan to get through. I knew it would be and tried to distract her by making sure we were at a really fun party. But she was sad and mopey. Afterwards, she sobbed about how much she missed her dad.

But who cares about children when there's booze to drink, right? Who cares about ever putting children first when it's just not "fun" anymore, right? Well, that's all true if you're Bob the Great, anyway.

Bob tells people that I took the kids away from him so, oh well. True, I needed to enter treatment and I wasn't about to leave the children behind-- especially with a "man" who puts alcohol first, doesn't parent, and takes them to a drug den and tells them to lie to me about it. However, cutting children out of one's life just because is sick. But I should expect nothing better from Bob the Great (Alcoholic).

It breaks my heart to open Morgan's phone and see that she has texted her dad only to see that he doesn't even bother to respond. That is painful.

I shouldn't be surprised, though...

This is a photo from our wedding day. Guess who's missing? Bob's younger daughter from his first marriage, Kalie. Before the wedding, Bob and Kalie got in a huge fight. Bob took Kalie's phone and dropped it in the pool. I wasn't there for that altercation (thank goodness) but after that fight, Bob uninvited Kalie from the wedding. And when Bob's sister, Kathy, came from Utah for the wedding, he prohibited Kathy from seeing Kalie. This broke Kalie's heart. She adores Kathy but Bob wouldn't allow them to have contact as a way of further punishing her.

Terri, Kalie's mom, was beside herself. She called Bob Sr (Bob's dad) begging for him to intervene. Bob Sr was livid but was powerless to stop his son from such outrageous demands.

Nicole was having severe problems in our home when she lived with us. But Bob did nothing to truly help redirect her. Instead, he left town 4 days a week on a work assignment and expected me to deal with it. That included discovering that she was stealing things from me, stealing from her employer, was bringing drugs into the house, was having drug parties while we were away, wasn't working, and wasn't showing up for classes that we paid for either. When I would call Bob to give him updates of Nicole not coming home, or bringing drugs in the house, he would scream at me like only Bob the Great (Alcoholic) can-- in that high falsetto screeching metso soprano tone that would rock the neighborhood.

I wish that Bob would re-enter the children's lives. I wish so many things when it comes to Bob. I pray that he'll be a better man. That he'll be a better father. That he'll get help. That he'll become honest and good.

It took me a long time to realize that Bob was not essentially a good guy who had a major alcohol problem. In reality, he is an evil, mean "man" who can pretend to be a good one when he must.

It's been a huge learning experience and I'm approaching all my future relationships with eyes wide open. I didn't know such evil existed in my world but I do now.