Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Why am I blogging?

Here's why I'm blogging:

  • It's incredibly cathartic. Instead of dredging up bad memories, writing about it is helping me sift through what happened, how I felt about it, and what I'd do differently if given the opportunity.
  • I have a story to tell and I need to document it. Since leaving Bob, he has told me many times that when I die and/or when he gets the chance, he will tell our two daughters that I was an awful mother and that it's my fault they could no longer live with their loving father. Nice guy that Bob is, eh? While the children lived with the horror of growing up with Bob as a dad and they know what he is like, they still love him very much. (Shame that he cut off all contact with them because of the "stress" but that's a blog post all its own. I can't say I should be surprised, as he did the same to his older daughters, too, for periods of time while we were married.) So this blog will be a critical story for the girls when they get older should they need to hear my side some day.
  • A monster in sheep's clothing needs to be called out. About a week prior to our wedding, Bob's ex wife, Terri, called me to warn me about Bob and I didn't listen. I wish to God I had. Granted, by the time she called to warn me, it was too late. We already purchased a home together and we were in the process of adopting our daughter, Siena, from Russia. So backing out wasn't really an option. To be honest, I wanted to back out of the wedding more than I wanted to breathe all on my own. But I was stuck. In the future, should anyone ever want a true character reference of Bob, here it is. One may not want to listen but I've done my part and my conscience is clear. I wish Terri had blogged prior to my purchasing a home with Bob. I can assure you that I would have run for the hills.
  • Defending my character. Bob has told many people horrible and awful lies about me and I will defend myself. There are two sides to every story and Bob is a pathological liar and loves to slander pretty much everyone he knows. As such, I feel an innate desire to defend myself. I shouldn't be surprised he would lie and badmouth me, though. He said horrible things about every member of his family including his brother Chris and his wife Joanie, his mother and his father, both of his older daughters, his ex wife (oh my gosh, she is Satan, according to Bob, and the worse mother to ever live), his employer and fellow employees, and friends. He never said bad things about our children together because if he had, I'm quite sure I would have chopped off his very tiny penis and fed it to our dogs.
The fact is, I gave everything I had to this monster who prior to marriage came across as this kind, honest, soft spoken and caring family man who just happened to have been married to Satan's wife the first time around. When we met, he had $75,000 of debt, credit card debt of about $10,000 and had years of financial obligations to his ex wife for spousal and child support. On the other hand, I had no credit card debt, an almost new very nice car with no car payment, quite a lot of liquid cash, two homes, and no financial obligations to anyone. By the end of our marriage, I had nothing left-- no cash, no homes, no sanity, and my health was in shambles-- all at the hands of this mean alcoholic. I can honestly say I gave 150% in that marriage only to leave it fighting for my life while I got one threatening and evil text after the next. If writing my story helps me, my children, or others out there, then this is all worthwhile.