The Mommy Wars: Stay At Home Mom versus Working Mom. Which is best for the kids?

My latest via Divorced Moms. Honestly, I cannot wait for summer-- it's my favorite time of year. I truly love keeping my kids busy, the flexibility of it all, and going fun places. Exploring. I love the sun and the heat. Yesterday it snowed in Utah and was miserable cold. Today, no snow but it is still miserably cold. GET ME OUT OF HERE. Ok, fine, I will! Morgan and I fly to Las Vegas tomorrow night for the weekend, and in nine days, we are going to Costa Rica for Spring Break. I cannot wait to be warm every day and to wear sundresses and flip flops again.

Happy Hump Day!

Lizzy

I Stepped Into the Mommy Wars: Are Kids Better Off At Home?
by Lizzy Smith                    

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March 23, 2016

With my daughters’ Spring Break just next week, I’ve started thinking about our summer plans. My gosh it is coming quick—just two more months and they’re done!

Before I got sick with cancer and went on medical leave, I worked full time for Corporate America. This meant that their summer vacation wasn’t mine, so I had to hurry up and sign up my children for al-day camps before the best ones filled up. The cost was staggering but you know what? They loved their summers. Though they couldn’t sleep in (my then-hubby and I had to get to the office early), they got to pick camps based on their interests. One week, it was swim camp, another was skateboarding, then ice skating or crafts… Their favorite (and was the priciest) was a week spent at different theme parks in Southern California: Knott’s Berry Farm, Belmont Park, Sea World, Legoland, and a big waterpark.

Post cancer diagnosis, our lives became very different. For starters, I no longer work a 9-5 job at the office. This gives me loads of flexibility and I can take my laptop on the road and do anything from any location. The first summer, I was left scratching my head on how we would spend our time together. It was awesome as, for the first time in my adult life, I could play with my children. I filled it by taking trips (one was a 17-day trek on Amtrak across the USA with stops in Chicago, Washington DC and New York City; another was several weeks in Los Angeles hanging out with friends who were teachers and had the summer off of work, too), going to the local rec center and hanging out at the pool (them swimming, me reading magazines under a huge tree), and taking day excursions to local museums and venues like the zoo. On the days that I had nothing planned, it drove me bat-crazy to see my children sleep all day and watch TV. I literally couldn’t handle it so I’d drag them back out to a movie, or shopping, or just a drive up the canyon.

So what to do this summer? I started making phone calls to local places that are likely running day camps—a climbing facility, a local kids’ museum, recreation centers, cheer clubs… I am not joking—every single one of these places has camps, but they run for about two hours. That’s it. I am not happy. “That’s not a camp, that’s a class,” I’ve said to many of the employees. “Where are your all day camps?” I get these blank stares and usually a nervous giggle. “You’re in Utah!” one woman said with a glare.

What the hell is that supposed to mean? Parents in Utah don’t have jobs? I have literally never seen more little children in my entire life. What the heck are these parents doing with them all summer? I went on a quest to find out.

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Working mom guilt is crushing. But kids of working moms turn out great!

One more reason for the Mommy Wars to end. Seriously, the balancing act of career and children is hard. But at least the guilt over how your job is screwing up your children for a lifetime can end. I can attest that it is imperative that moms have a way of supporting themselves, even if they marry a great guy who can financially support them and the kids. Because you do not know what the future holds and you may end up needing to become the supporter. And if you're unable to do that, horrible days are ahead of you. Because living in poverty is no fun.

I am grateful that when I fled my marriage, I did not need my ex's money to live, nor to feed the kids. I could do that all on my own. So if you're a working mom you are a powerful, positive role model and the odds that your sons and daughters end up educated and self-supporting increase. And that's a good thing. Here is my latest article via Divorced Moms.

Working Moms: Your Children Will Be Fine! 
By Lizzy Smith                    

June 23, 2015

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As far back as I can remember, I knew I wanted a career. Not just a job, but I wanted to climb the corporate ladder, make good money, have a nice office, and even better job titles. I went to college, graduated, moved to Washington, DC on an internship on Capitol Hill, and then took my first (very low) paying job in an office environment. Like most every other entry level co-worker I knew, were all scraping by, working a second job on the weekends to help cover the cost of outrageous parking in the District, a professional wardrobe, pricey rent, and happy hour expenses. Still, it was an amazingly fun, growing experience. I met a ton of friends and did some cool things, like go to an official Inaugural Ball, attended many hearings in Congress, and even a reception on the South lawn of the White House.

A year later, I got a better job offer that actually included a livable wage. I had finally gotten on that corporate ladder and I started climbing it. I wore fun business suits every day, started traveling in my spare time, and then got married. Next stop was children.

With both of my daughters, I never stopped working. No gaps in employment, I was so happy about that. My resume was “perfect.” First, I didn’t feel I could afford to quit. Second, I got a lot of personal kudos from a job well done that I never got at home, and lastly, my identity was so tied to my ability to work and bring home an income, that I couldn’t fathom walking away from it.

…But the GUILT. My children, some told me, would be messed up in the head because I was too selfish by insisting I continue working fulltime. My priority was not motherhood, clearly, or I would make “better” choices. Truth was, my children both loved pre school and they were fine. I was the one who wasn’t doing so great. The balancing act is hard. I was exhausted, annoyed and pushed well beyond my breaking point. If I had help, like perhaps a sober husband who would pitch in (just a little), it would have made a huge difference. But in addition to taking care of my job, the kids, house, vacation house, all the bills, and much more, I had to care of my husband, too. Because caring for an alcoholic is almost a fulltime job in and of itself. Nonetheless, my children seemed ok. Should I have
felt guiltier than I did?

Apparently, the answer is a Big Fat No. According a recent study conducted by the Harvard Business School, daughters of working moms grow up to be more successful than their peers in the workforce. They are also more likely to be bosses, supervising other employees. This is actually fantastic news. How many additional studies point out that women who are divorced and have children are exponentially more likely to live beneath the poverty line? Yes, having earning power is critically important, especially if we have children. After all, it is our moral, ethical and legal responsibility to provide for them. With this in mind, consider this statistic: daughters of working moms earn 23 percent more than daughters of stay-at-home moms. That’s significant.

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