Sunday, September 14, 2014

Tales from the (Mormon) dating trenches: Goodbye Quasi Lover



Sex and Mormons. It's an interesting mix, especially in the dating world among the devout or "one day want to be devout again, just maybe not now because I'm dating and don't know how to be celibate when dating." From my experience, there are two options when it comes to Mormons and sex, especially among men. There are those who won't have sex prior to getting married again. They want sex all the time, think about it endlessly, and act out in really odd ways because of it. They can't have normal relationships because they are afraid of the whole sex thing. And then there are those who have had sex so if they've had sex with one, they're doomed so might as well have sex with everyone. Honesty and decency is gone because, well, might as well have serial sex with lots because why not? Normal dating in Mormonville is nearly impossible (which is why avoid dating them altogether, by I digress.)

But when one is somewhat new to the dating scene, especially too many women I know who are trusting and who want a physical connection, it is too easy to assume that a decent Mormon guy is on the same page. Making that assumption is a very dangerous mistake. I've dated a bit here in Mormonville and let me tell you, honesty, decency, sex and Mormon guys just don't mix well. So as I share Abby's story, here's the lesson learned from it all: Sex is not a commitment. Assume every guy is screwing around with others so until you have "that talk" assume nothing. And, above all else, be true to yourself. Don't give of yourself until you've vetted your guy out a bit. Or, if you don't, just be prepared, sex is just sex. If that's ok with you, then go for it. If it isn't, proceed with great caution. What gets me, though, is how ordinary, boring and banal many of these guys are. And having met Chuck, I can attest that average is a very good word for him. Yet he obviously fashions himself a ladies' man. Ok, well I suppose above all else, feed that ego! Ok, here is the story from Abby....

Abby, met "Chuck" on LDS Planet. The dated a few times and she was smitten. After several dates, they had a night of passionate lovemaking. He told her that he had really awful sex in his marriage, that he had an affair while married but ended it and stayed with his wife, his entire marriage he was emotionally beaten down, and that he had slept with no one else since his marriage ended. Actually his wife had been his one and only lover, then the woman he had the affair with and then... Abby.

Hmmm.... I am so skeptical of what anyone says. In the Mormon church, men who hold the priesthood and have gone through the Mormon temple to receive their endowments most likely are excommunicated if they have sex outside of marriage. And Chuck is still very much a Mormon guy even if he doesn't go to church as often as he might if he was married. The church is still important to him, so he says. I asked Abby if Chuck felt, well, anything "big" like "Oh my gosh wow that was the best sex ever!" or "I'm stunned, I can't believe I just had sex outside of marriage I am now going to be in BIG trouble with the church" or "Ok sex means something big to me so what is this relationship" or ...

Abby said no. And I thought "guy's a liar. Be very cautious."

Silence for the next two days. Abby called Chuck. They had sex again. But the periods of sex followed by days of silence and no real dates on the horizon were just not good. Abby was confused and hurt. And then Chuck asked her for a real date on a Tuesday. He also told her that he wanted their relationship to be special. While they didn't have a committed relationship per se (it was just too soon), they had a Quasi Relationship. (Seriously, WTF. This guy had so many Bright Red Crimson Flags that I didn't know where to begin.)

Abby and Chuck met up really late on Tuesday night and he forgot his wallet at home. They got in his truck and drove back to his house. Abby waited while he went inside. And then his phone started lighting up again and again. She glanced down. Oh my, there were some major sexts there. Turns out, Chuck was having sex with at least one other woman and there was the proof. Chuck got back in the car, popped in some gum and was ready to go for a great makeout session and who knows what else? But Abby was done. "Chuck, I saw your texts and you are not a good or honest guy. I don't want to ever see you again." (If that had been me, I would have texted the girl back and said something like "hey, I'm having sex with Chuck, too, and we are on a date. Don't worry I'm going to dump his sorry ass in about 2 minutes and he's all yours. Get yourself checked for STDs because me thinks there's more of us out there being played by this deuchebag.")

Chuck was stunned. Dang, men like this hate to be called out. "If that's the way you want it," I finally stammered. Abby got out of his car and that was that. Still, she was hurt. She wrote a letter and gave it to me. She said I could publish. Here it is:

Dear Quasi Lover,

When it comes to us, we have one man being sexually gratified and one woman feeling discarded. One woman made "quasi" love to a man she was crazy about with honest good intentions.

Chuck: After our first night of lovemaking, I asked you what we had. You said that we had a quasi relationship. You made it clear that this wasn't a committed monogamous relationship. It was neither. It was just what was. (Eloquent!) Gee how I wish I had heard those words before we exchanged the most intimate form of love. I drove to your house that evening knowing full well what would happen and at that moment, if I had known what we had was only a "quasi" relationship, I would have turned my truck around. After making love for two hours, you defined it all in one word: quasi. Seemingly, apparently, but not really.

I should not let the past dictate my current decisions. I want a man who wants me sexually and I didn't want the one time fuck. I want a lover who only wants me, my body, who wants to make love again and again. I realize now that I'll never get what I want, what's most important to me, by jumping into bed with a man and just simply trusting him. Giving the man all the intimacy he wants without any of the commitment is just a one-time fuck. And I feel used. I was used. By you.

If we could only going back to enjoying a jar of pickles. To go back to the beginning before things were ruined by sex too soon. Lesson learned the hard way. I want this "quasi" cycle to end with you. Today I am making a commitment to myself: I commit to myself to never again have just sex again. It's pointless in the end and a lot like taking a hit of cocaine. I would never want to feel this pain again. I want to be free of past hurts that drive and justify. Never again.

Abby