Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Tales from the Dating Trenches: How a potentially "cool" guy ruined it for me (in just a few texts)

Dating Rule #1: Never appear too desperate because the person on the other end of that just might think you're a (future) stalker.

Such is the story of "Sam." I feel bad even writing about Sam because he is so nice. But then again, so was my stalker Jay. Just a little recap on the Jay story. Jay was the first guy I dated post split from my husband. I was in the midst of my stem cell transplant and I was in my full glory of wearing wigs, false eyelashes, and drawing my eyebrows in with a charcoal pencil. I have to say, fake eyelashes and wigs looked great on me. They weren't comfortable, though. Jay knew all about my health and treatments and he didn't care. Long story short, Jay would not leave me alone. He brought groceries to my house, showered me with gifts, and called and texted me all the time. When I asked him to go away, he followed me around Salt Lake City. It freaked me out. Problem is, I accidentally led Jay on. I vowed never to do that again.

So let's go back to Sam. I wrote about him maybe a month ago and I called him Butterfly Man. I was really excited about Sam. We started texting and calling each other every day and having a date once a week. He had daughters the same age as mine and he was really warm and fun. The last date we had was a little... odd. I was at my daughter's soccer game and Sam wanted to come. Except he had to work late, which was fine. I texted him that the game was almost over and I could drop off my daughter at home and just meet him at a restaurant. But no, he wouldn't hear of it. He ended up desperately trying to find the field we were at and got there minutes before the game ended. It was awkward and would have been much easier if he had just met me at a restaurant. He was on his Harley and he followed me to drop off Siena. I had him park his motorcycle in my friend's garage so kids in the neighborhood weren't tempted to play on it and he got in my car and we drove to a restaurant. The rest of the evening was fine and we kissed for the first time after our date. I wasn't that hip on the kiss but, ok, whatever-- it was just a first kiss. I was still excited about him.

The next day, he went to Puerto Rico for a week with a buddy. And then the texts started. I'm giving you just a sample.

Sam: I had to pull over to tell you that I'm crazy about you.
Me: Really? That's awesome. I am too ;) Have a fab trip, lucky man.
Sam: I'm going to miss you like crazy! I loved kissing you.
Me: Sucks we won't see each other for almost 2 weeks but we will get thru it.

Next day...

Sam: I hate the idea of not seeing you for 2 weeks. BTW I loved our kiss. Puerto Rico would be so much more fun with you. I might be lame but I find myself thinking about you all the time. Sure miss you!
Me: :)
Sam: Sure miss you babe. You never said if you liked our first kiss.
Me: :) I'm sure I did tell you...

... At this point, it's getting a little too much and I don't know what to say anymore. This is how I'm feeling...

Sam: Text me some more photos of you
Me: Here you go. But I'd rather see photos of you in Puerto Rico
Sam: Holy cow! You are beautiful. It's amazing here but I am constantly thinking about you. xoxoxoxo
Oh geez. I don't respond. Next morning.
Sam: I miss you too much! I'd rather be here with you. How are you this morning beautiful?
Me: Hi there. I'm driving in the mountains. Little reception. Later
Sam: I can't wait to see you babe! I miss your beautiful face so much. I forgot to tell you that I think you are beautiful. I can hardly wait to see you and kiss you again!!!
Me: :)
But in reality, this is how I'm feeling:
A few more days of more of the same and I'm responding less and less to the texts. 
Sam: Since I haven't told you recently but I think you are beautiful and I REALLY like you!
Me: Awe shucks :) You tell me how much you miss me but I know nothing about your trip
Sam finally gives me some details and ends it with this: I just keep thinking how much ore fun it would be if you were here with me! Darn I miss you even more than I thought I would
At this point, I realize that I am never going to see Sam again. I'm so done and annoyed. Talk about ruining a relationship via text. Aaaaargh!!!! And these texts keep going on and on and on and at this point, I'm barely responding anymore. Sam gets back to Salt Lake City and tries to line up dates, none of which I accept. Finally he's starting to tell it's done.
Sam: Hi honey. Hope your day is going great! I feel like I'm hounding you. You'll tell me if I'm getting on your nerves won't you?
I'm feeling... bad, sad, like I've let him on. Wishing I didn't want him to go away. Wishing I was flattered and happy and exciting but I'm not. I am wishing that he would LEAVE ME ALONE.
I don't respond. First, this came when I was really sick two weeks ago and I didn't have the energy for it. And my brain wasn't working well and I couldn't come up with a nice way to tell him I wasn't interested at all anymore.
Sam: Hi Lizzy. I hope this text finds you feeling better. I'm disappointed that I haven't heard back from you but I understand. Good luck and I certainly hope you get well soon. Sam
Me: I'm sorry. I really have been sick and haven't known how to say anything. I was very excited about the possibility of dating. But when you were in Puerto Rico the texts did get to be too much.  I know you didn't mean it to be and at first they were sweet but then it was... searching for the word. and it made me uncomfortable. Does that make sense? Not being eloquent. And I'm sorry for the silence but my brain is still very slow.
Sam: No worries, sorry I made you uncomfortable. Good luck. If you ever feel like going out again, just let me know. I certainly didn't mean to pressure you. I was just excited to have finally met someone I was excited about.  I was just trying to make sure you knew I was interested. Sorry about the discomfort I caused you when you were already sick.
Awe... Maybe...
Me: It's ok. You're really super kind. Let me recover and regroup and we'll go from there
Sam: Perfect! I'll just wait to hear from you
Sam: Don't forget!
OMG! GO AWAY I wanted to scream. I don't respond. Next day...
Sam: Hi Lizzy. Just checking to see how you are feeling. Miss you!
Silence from me. Next day...
Sam: Hi gorgeous! Just wondering how you were feeling. You up for a movie one night next week?
Silence from me. Next day...
Sam: Lizzie, when I first met you, I was completely smitten. You were smart, funny and sexy as hell. The more time we spent together, the more I liked you. I'm not sure what I did that put you off but for whatever it is I'm truly sorry. I really thought you liked me and that we might have had a chance at a great relationship. Good luck. You are a remarkable woman.
Me: I did like you! And then it got too much. The compliments were sweet at first and then it was overboard. I didn't know how to respond anymore. A few days ago I asked you to give me time to feel better and we would go from there. And the next day it started up again. You're very kind and nice but I don't know what to do with that level of interest
Sam: Sorry I just like to know where I stand. I can be patient. I will wait for you to feel better. Sorry for the pressure. I'm not normally like that. Let me know if you might be interested in the future.
I am silent. A few hours later...
Sam: I just got a little excited. Forgive me?
Me: Sam please!!! There is nothing to forgive. You are nice. But I'm overwhelmed. You've done thing wrong. But for me, it is too much! For someone else, it might be fine
It's been a week and I haven't heard from Sam. I feel like a led on a really nice guy. And I'm so frustrated because had Sam not been so "in my face" I might have learned to really like him and then all those compliments would have been the best thing ever. But when I only kissed Sam once, and it wasn't even a great kiss, and I saw him just four times for very casual dates, it was too much. In fact, I would wonder how he could miss me when I only saw him once a week?
Desperation is never a good trait, at least not for me. The lessons we learn as we are in the dating trenches.