My Chemo Port: What it is and how it works - My Youtube video for www.myelomacrowd.org

Divorced Moms column: Internet Dating Stories From the Trenches

My latest Divorced Moms column is out! I love it when friends allow me to share their stories. This is one of my favorites. Lia keeps me endlessly entertained. Plus she's so funny and witty.

Internet Dating Stories From the Trenches
By Lizzy Smith                    

May 22, 2014

My friend, Lia, recently re-entered the dating world. Her stories are so entertaining that I asked if I could share a few. She said yes and here goes. Thanks, Lia!

After I broke up with my boyfriend, I purchased a membership on Match. Here are my favorite stories so far.

Pious Man (with sex on the brain):
I live in Utah and many of the guys here are Mormon. In the Mormon church, each congregation has a separate "leadership panel", which they call the Bishopric. It consists of one Bishop and two Counselors. These men are supposed to be spiritual and live a very strict moral life. With that little preamble, here's the story of PM.

PM is one of the Bishopric Counselors in his ward. We met for lunch. He was nice enough but a bit cuddly for a first date. Like he caressed my knee and even put his chin on my shoulder. And then he said this: ...So, if we had never met and I paid for a night in a really nice hotel and told you to pick up the key at the front desk, go into the room, and change into a beautiful bra-panty set that I had purchased for you, and then turn off the lights and wait for me, would you have done it?

OMG.

Keep reading...

Four days of "no sugar"

Today I weigh 133.6. I completed my fourth day of mostly no sugar, processed foods, and GMO foods. I say "mostly" because I have accidentally eaten foods that had bad things in it but wasn't aware of it until after the fact. I am eating tons of calories. I eat and eat and eat. I have only craved sugar once and that was last night. I was very tempted to eat very sugary blueberry bread but I didn't. Instead I ate a tomato with olives and muenster cheese. It tasted good.

But before I get more into all of that, I must complain. My head will not stop pounding. Total sinus headache for, like, 10 days. Oh.My.Gosh. Yesterday, I just couldn't take it. I called my favorite spa, The Brick Canvas at Thanksgiving Point, and headed off for a 90 minute facial. It was the best facial I've had in my ENTIRE life. From the heated table, to steam, to massage, to eucalyptus essential oils. It helped. Well, sort of. I came home, took a shower and accidentally dumped shampoo into my eye. It felt like knives were stabbing me. I was in the shower wimpering. I didn't even bother to dry my hair. By the time it dried, my curly crazy hair was, like, out to 'here'. I put it in a big scrunchy pony and that was that. I am using my Past Tense essential oils, taking Claritin and Ibuprofin and still that headache WILL NOT GO AWAY. And going sugar free isn't helping.

Sigh.

So how am I eating these days? Well, today I started off with scrambled eggs, half an avocado and a tomato. Except most tomatoes are GMO (thanks, Monsanto!). I drank big water with lemon. I always have a smoothie but I don't have them for breakfast anymore. I find it a great snack mid day when I am HUNGRY and need something sweet. Yesterday, I had my smoothie at 3:00 with almond butter and banana and coconut milk. Today my smoothie will include pineapple, banana, and strawberries. I'll throw some chia seeds in it and flax seed oil, too. Also, I love oatmeal for breakfast or eggs. Last night for dinner, we went out to eat. I ate a huge salad with a hardboiled egg and olive oil and balsamic vinegar, vegetable cream soup (was there sugar in it? I hope not but it is possible), and some bread (I should have skipped the bread). I came home and ate lots of pine nuts, almonds, and sunflower seeds. I also ate a Baby Bell. I should probably stay away from dairy but I can't cut everything out. I don't eat a lot of dairy-- just eggs, some cheese, and cream in my coffee. I am going to try and get off coffee this summer. I'd like to switch to herbal teas but there is something so soothing and satiating about coffee. It's my comfort food.

For dinner tonight, I'm making sole, mashed potatoes (from scratch) and grilled green beans. Or, if I don't feel like doing green beans (my daughters love them so much they can eat the whole thing between the two of them), I'll do a ton of grilled spinach with garlic, balsamic, and some fresh parmesan cheese on top. Yum. For lunch today? Not sure yet. I will make that smoothie and probably get a coffee as soon as I get out of the shower. Maybe some hummus, bread, and walnuts. That actually kind of sounds good.

This week is just turning out to be insanely busy. It always is right before a big trip. And my torso still aches, though it seems to ache a bit less. I'm still tired and fatigued. I will not give up on this "no sugar" thing. I really hope it helps with fatigue and pain!!! I switched my clinic appointment from Friday to Thursday. Siena has her end of the year dance festival. Saturday I will do piles and piles of laundry, and on Monday, we will begin packing. Please I need to get on a plane and go away and refresh and rejuvenate and recharge and see new parts of the world. I need it very, very badly. Let the summer begin. No more homework packets, carpools, early out days (I HATE MONDAYS. THE KIDS ARE HOME AT 1:20 AAARGH!!!!!!!!), schedules, waking up early, all of it. No more structure for a while. I am so over it.

And that is today's rant. I am now going to take a shower and try to do something with this insane hair that I have. I used to have straight hair. Now it is tiny little curly ringlets. It's a struggle but at least it's hair. I love hair. Yes I do.

Divorced Moms column: When the Power of Hope Becomes Your Personal Prison

My latest Divorced Moms column!

When the Power of Hope Becomes Your Personal Prison
by Lizzy Smith                    

May 19, 2014

Last week, I talked to a close friend of mine, Jenny. Jenny’s husband, Chris, just left her and, while she knows it’s for the best, she in deep emotional pain. Chris and Jenny have had a tough marriage pretty much from the beginning. He struggles with chronic migraines, has a stressful job, and at times, drinks too much. He yells, has put a few holes in the wall, and almost harasses her when they have really huge arguments. He will show up at her work, text and call her, and follow her when she run errands to yell at her some more. At other times, he emotionally shuts down, ignoring her, and refusing to be part of the relationship or to parent the children. It has been quite the rollercoaster ride.

What makes this all the more confusing for Jenny is that Chris appears to be a really nice guy to everyone else. He is funny, helpful, engaging and outgoing when they are around their friends or they are out socializing. No one would guess how Chris behaves without an audience. At times, Jenny wonders if everything is all her fault and if their huge marriage issues are not as bad as they seem. Plus (and this is the kicker) she feels sorry for him. With the migraines and job and other stressors, maybe it’s not really his fault, she says. Maybe she needs to be more understanding, right? (Wrong!)

Keep reading...

My week of "no sugar" and processed foods begins

On Friday, I started off my week (or longer) of absolutely not sugar, sugar substitutes or most processed foods. There are some foods that come in a package that have just a few ingredients that are perfectly safe and fine. I'm also, to the best of my ability, staying away from anything GMO. So far, so good. The tricky part is that those terrible additives are lurking everywhere so while I haven't been perfect, it's because I've realized after the fact that yucky things are hiding in my seemingly safe foods.

On Friday, I weighed in at 135.6 pounds. I am 5'8". I ate oatmeal with flax seeds, chia seeds, and loads of organic berries and bananas. I went to my clinic appointment (which ended up taking four hours oh my gosh), got hungry and ate an organic granola bar (which I will never eat again because it had some sugar in it). For lunch, I ate a spinach salad with watermelon and broiled catfish. They drizzled it with balsamic vinegar and olive oil and after a taste, realized that the drizzle was sweetened. See? It is hard staying away from sugar. They put it everywhere so that we eaters become totally addicted to the food and eat more of it. It is poison. It is more addictive than cocaine. That is no lie. In the afternoon, I ate cashews and organic apples. And for dinner, I found the most amazing sprouted organic whole grain baguette and dipped it in organic hummus that I sprinkled with curcumin and olives and big huge shrimp. The problem is that I dipped some of the shrimp in cocktail sauce that has, you guessed it, sugar. I then went to Costco and was talked into buying $24 of AmberLyn chocolates because, they said, had no sugar, no sucralose and no artificial sweeteners. Except, it is sweetened with maltitol, which is not good. So I'm not eating anymore. Yes, they tasted yummy but I do not want to eat this shit.

Oh well, I am trying!

On Saturday, I weighed in at 134.8 pounds. I ate oatmeal, and grilled veggies, hummus, shrimp, smoothies... I ate and ate. In the morning, I met my friend from high school, Beth, and we went to a seminar taught my another friend of ours from high school, Susan. The entire class was about "inflammation, the silent killer." And guess what the number one poison is? Sugar! It was very fun and informative. In fact, when William gets back home, I am going to (try) and schedule a private cooking class with this girl and maybe do a group cooking class at her home where she picks veggies out of her garden and cooks and we all enjoy a glass of vino and eat the spoils. Sounds fun, eh? Me thinks so!


Beth, Susan and I after the class hosted by Susan's company. It was called Inflammation, The Silent Killer. It's always fun hanging out with girls from my childhood. I love them and we go so far back.

After our class, Beth and I went and ate Ethiopian food. It was good, different, and Beth and I got to catch up a bit. She works at the University of Utah medical center, which is just a stone's throw from the Huntsman Cancer Institute where I am treated yet we rarely have time to connect for lunch. Pathetic to be sure but at least we got to see each other on Saturday. And it was awesome seeing Susan. Interesting side note: In college, Susan and I were driving through the Nevada canyons in December and we got in a terrible car accident. It was a very bonding moment for us and an experience I will never forget.

On Saturday evening the combo of my sugar crash and crashing early from my Dex was a very bad combo. Siena, exhausted and cranky, had a bit of a temper tantrum and while she was in the tub washing her hair and having a total meltdown, her nose started bleeding. It looked really frightening and it ended up being a really horrible way to end the day. I went to bed feeling like the most evil, awful mother and human being in the entire world. Thank goodness that today has (so far) gone so much better. Lots of extra love and cuddles and kisses. Parenthood has it's challenges.

Today I weighed in at 134 pounds. Let's see how this whole "no sugar" thing goes. I'd love to weigh 130 pounds by our trip so that when I gain 10 pounds I don't look like a walking oompa loompa. Or, maybe if I follow William's lead, I won't gain a lot of weight at all. But I am also really curious to see if the inflammation I feel around my rib cage almost all the time will go away. That would be so nice. Or if I can feel less fatigue on my fatigue days. Or if my chemo brain will ebb a bit. Granted, many of the side effects I just mentioned are because I'm on heavy duty drugs and maybe nothing at all will help. But I do know that sugar does nothing for me physically and probably does a ton of harm.

Back in my prior life, pre diagnosis and pre split from my husband, I obsessed with baking and desserts. I loved to bake and bake and bake and eat lots of cookie dough. A few months ago, I decided I was going to bake a birthday cake from scratch from my dad. I found the perfect recipe and Siena and I put on our baker's aprons and off we went. I started frosting that cake and it looked awful and I wasn't into it. As my daughters looked on in horror and disbelief, I chucked the whole thing in the garbage and we drove off to the bakery and bought a cake instead. It's just not me anymore. Interesting.

Tonight I am making a caprese and chicken baguette sandwich and a shrimp/mango/avocado salad. For dessert, we're having "ice cream" from my trusty Yonana machine. That ice cream will actually be simply a frozen banana with berries on it. Now that is a dessert I can live with and enjoy guilt free.

My Divorced Moms column is out! Can you tell I have vacation on the brain? Now if only this awful cold would GO AWAY.

7 Fabulous Vacation Ideas for Chasing Divorce Blues Away
by Lizzy Smith                    

May 15, 2014

What better way to chase divorced-related blues away than with a trip? Getting away and doing something different is oftentimes just what the doctor ordered. Breaking routines, seeing something new, creating memories… it all helps you distress and rejuvenate. Whether it’s solo, with kids, or with a friend or companion, you can find a get-away to fit almost any budget.
Here are some ideas to get you started in planning:

Road Trip
Personally, I used to hate driving more than two hours. When I was married, I simply didn’t have the time or interest to get in a car. But after I split from my husband, I found driving cathartic and peaceful. My daughters would take their DVD players, a stack of movies, pillow and a blanket, and I’d have loads of “me” time. I’d call friends I hadn’t talked to in, like, forever. I’d look at the scenery, and if I noticed a sign that indicated something interesting off the freeway, I’d often stop and we’d check it out. As a result, we’ve discovered some really fascinating places that we would never have seen from an airplane. America is a beautiful country with all kinds of hidden wonders—you just have to be willing to search them out. What’s great about a road trip is that they can be as short or long as you want them to be and you can do it on a very tight budget. Just a few months ago, we were driving from Las Vegas to Salt Lake City and on a whim, I stopped at Kolob Canyon. I’d driven that stretch of road a thousand times but this was the first time we had ever pulled over. Wow, it was amazing!

Keep reading...

I'm sick. Again. Aaaargh!

True to form, I am sick. Again. My head is pounding and won't stop. My throat is on fire and has tiny little blisters on the roof of my mouth. I am congested and my doctor tells me to STOP USING AFRIN. But I only use it at night so I can breathe because sleeping when you can't breathe is miserable and I need rest, right? They say if I keep using it, I'll loose my sense of smell and taste eventually. Well which is worse? I'm thinking about that one. I'm coughing a little, but not that much. And, worse yet, I GOT PINK EYE. I mean, severe horrid PINK EYE. I haven't had pink eye since I was a child. I wanted to claw my eyes out. I didn't but it was really hard not to. Thanks to eye drops it is gone now but it was the height of misery. My entire torso aches and my spine is sore.

And there you have it.

I am fatigued. Today, I am tired of clinic, even though I love my nurses at Huntsman. But, case in point, last Friday, I should have been in clinic for about an hour. But one of my ports wasn't giving a blood return so we had to use heparin to break it up. Well, I was in clinic for almost four hours. I am tired of scheduling pretty much all day Friday for clinic. I am tired of being immune compromised and being sick every three to four weeks. I am tired of an aching torso, which they tell me, may never entirely go away. And I am tired of looking at my legs and seeing absolutely no muscle. I used to have very nice legs. I ran, they were strong. But Dex eats away at muscle. I am weak and I look weak. I still can do great power walks but I look like a frail girl and I hate it.

One day I will be done with maintenance therapy and I will get my life and body back, I hope.

Thanks, myeloma.

Last week, Jenny and I gave a presentation at BYU to a college class. William went with me as an observer. We talked about myeloma and the www.myelomacrowd.org site and its efforts. There is nothing more important to me than trying to cure and treat this disease. Outreach and education is critically important and sharing my story is something that I find great meaning in. In my prior life, I'm not sure I felt great meaning in anything really. I was just someone who worked worked worked and wrote lots of checks and just tried to survive. William said that he teared up in our presentation and he learned a lot about the disease that he didn't know about before. I suppose we were successful, which is good. It's amazing how a diagnosis can radically change your life in the blink of an eye.

So I get rest today, I nurse my pounding head, I do a little complaining and carry on.

My friend just lost her battle with breast cancer yesterday. She was diagnosed five years ago and fought a great fight. Hers was very advanced and aggressive and she beat her life expectancy. Cancer is evil, deadly and frightening. We fight it because we are given no choice. How we allow that to change us is ours to decide. I chose to make me better, stronger, kinder, and live life with purpose. The alternative is just simply unacceptable.