Divorced Moms: Ladies, the ex is not (usually) your enemy

My latest on Divorced Moms. Enjoy! And Happy Friday.

Ladies: The Ex Is Not (Usually) Your Enemy
by Lizzy Smith                    

October 03, 2014

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Some lessons are learned the (very) hard way. Such is the story of my (now ex) husband, his ex-wife, and me.

When I first met Rob, he told me about his horrible ex-wife, “Tina.” She was crazy, jealous that he met me, didn’t want to work (though she did work fulltime), wanted all his money, was using the children just to get more child support, was a screamer and, well, I could go on and on. I felt so sorry for him and after we got married, I grew to really dislike Tina. After all, I believed everything Rob said about her and those first (strong) initial impressions took a long time to slowly wither away and die, but I digress.

Once Rob and I married, Tina became my mortal enemy. When Rob’s explosive personality began to appear (he hid this side of him completely when we were dating), he blamed it squarely on Tina. She taught him those communication skills. If it wasn’t for Tina, he would manage conflict better (sure, no doubt! I cannot believe I accepted that line of bullshit). When I discovered his alcoholism, Rob blamed that, too, on her. Tina was his trigger (always had been). If only he had never been married that horrible woman, I thought, Rob never had turned to alcohol to cope. Every time Rob and Tina went back to court, it was all her fault, she just wanted money and to punish him for moving on. Everything bad in our marriage was because of Tina, Tina, Tina.

A few years into our marriage, I had an epiphany: maybe everything Rob said about Tina was a lie. Or, maybe, just maybe, there was another side to this story. Maybe all this “it’s Tina’s fault” wasn’t exactly true. Instead of hating Tina, maybe I should feel sorry for her. Hmmm…

Keep reading...

On babies, haircuts and forging better relations with my girls

On Saturday, we met my niece for the first time. She is the cutest baby girl I've ever seen. She is my brother's daughter. So my parents went from just two grandchildren a few years ago to four with one on the way in just a few months. How exciting. Back when I was in the midst of treatment and transplant, my brother, Jason, and his wife were having a baby and I seriously wondered if I would be alive to see him or get to know him. Flash forward a few years later and I know Dylan. It's taken him awhile but he actually has started to like me. Just last month, he actually smiles at me when he sees me and lets me pick him up and hold his hand. For whatever reason, babies hate me until they're two or two and a half years old. Then they won't leave me alone. This new baby girl is the exception. She likes me at just seven months old. I held her, she didn't cry or look at me in disgust, and she even laughed and smiled. Wow.




And on Saturday morning, when I Siena woke up, I looked at her in horror. "What did you do to your bangs?" Yep, my child, who will be nine years old in just two weeks, decided to hack her bangs almost to her scalp. WTF isn't this something that children do when they are tiny? Siena did this when she was three years old ...


But oh no-- she did it again.

So I was just done. For a year I've been telling her that she will either take care of her growing hair or I was going to get it chopped. And she doesn't like to wash it, or brush it, or do anything with it. The bang-thing was the final straw. I made good on my promise. After hanging with the new baby, I took her to the salon and we chopped it short. And oh my gosh, I think she looks so dang adorable that I can't stop hugging her.


She cried, she was mad at me, but she likes it. As she should. She looks like Madeline.

And on Sunday, we took the girls and headed up the canyons to Midway. So fun and beautiful. Did I ever say how amazing I think Utah is? I sincerely love it here. I am so into nature and natural beauty since getting sick and I have found heaven.

 

 

Since school has started, I've made good (great?) on my promise to tuck my girls into bed every night and to reinstitute Mommy-Daughter dates. Ok, so granted that it's just been going on two weeks but it's amazing. Especially for Morgan, who is going through a really tough time these days, it has helped. She looks forward to our time together. Tonight at the dinner table (yep, I'm still cooking those meals so we eat together), Morgan said that she had things to talk to me about during "chat time." She was actually thinking about it, planning it, and looking forward to it. Today was Mommy-Morgan date. It was simple, we just did a little shopping. Yesterday was Siena-Mommy date and we went to Rita's for ice cream and then stopped at Costco for samples. Simple, but one-on-one time. I love it. I put my phone away (really hard for me) and we talk. Imagine that.

And on a parting thought, and totally random, Siena disappeared to her room tonight for about 30 minutes. She made a mermaid tail. Now that is creative talent.

And, lastly, I am in the midst of planning another trip. I am thinking Dominican Republic or Vietnam either in October  or one week after Christmas. Some all-inclusive resort where it is me, the beach, and a book. Looking looking looking.... Just the thought makes me smile.

Divorced Moms column: Internet Dating Stories From the Trenches

My latest Divorced Moms column is out! I love it when friends allow me to share their stories. This is one of my favorites. Lia keeps me endlessly entertained. Plus she's so funny and witty.

Internet Dating Stories From the Trenches
By Lizzy Smith                    

May 22, 2014

My friend, Lia, recently re-entered the dating world. Her stories are so entertaining that I asked if I could share a few. She said yes and here goes. Thanks, Lia!

After I broke up with my boyfriend, I purchased a membership on Match. Here are my favorite stories so far.

Pious Man (with sex on the brain):
I live in Utah and many of the guys here are Mormon. In the Mormon church, each congregation has a separate "leadership panel", which they call the Bishopric. It consists of one Bishop and two Counselors. These men are supposed to be spiritual and live a very strict moral life. With that little preamble, here's the story of PM.

PM is one of the Bishopric Counselors in his ward. We met for lunch. He was nice enough but a bit cuddly for a first date. Like he caressed my knee and even put his chin on my shoulder. And then he said this: ...So, if we had never met and I paid for a night in a really nice hotel and told you to pick up the key at the front desk, go into the room, and change into a beautiful bra-panty set that I had purchased for you, and then turn off the lights and wait for me, would you have done it?

OMG.

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Our Happy Mother's Day

First, I've got to pay homage to my amazing mother. Really, she's the most selfless, giving, loyal, and loving mom that ever lived. She is from Uruguay, born and raised. Her grandparents on both sides were straight from Italy, so she is 100 percent Italian. That makes me 50 percent! Which is one of the reasons we are going to Northern Italy in a few weeks-- to see where half of my heritage is from. Anyway, her dad was a prominent engineer who worked on the equipment to make wine. He died of a massive heart attack when she was five years old, leaving her mother to raise her and her 11 year old brother. It wasn't an easy task but my grandmother rocked it. She was a very strong and resilient woman. My mom, being totally enthralled with rock n roll and movie stars in America, emigrated here with her two closest friends when she was 22 years old. She barely spoke English but she felt the adventurous call and her she came. She met my dad in college, they married, and the rest is history.

When I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma in January 2012 and fled my abusive husband, she and my dad were here to pick up the pieces. The drove from Utah immediately, were with me at the appointment when I was diagnosed, and helped me move from San Diego and into their home. She (and my dad) were with me every step of the way-- to countless appointments, staying with me in my "clean apartment" through two stem cell transplants, taking care of my kids, and taking care of me. An easy task? Hell no. She still helps me take care of the kids, helps them with homework, teaches Siena piano lessons, and so much more. She is my best friend, biggest cheerleader, and I am her biggest fan.

And sitting on the other side of Mother's Day is ME! I am a mom. It is the greatest thing I've ever done. It's also the hardest and most frustrating and, at times, heartbreaking. The enormity of this responsibility sometimes overpowers me. On Sunday evening, Morgan asked me if I liked being a mom. The answer was YES. It has given my life meaning. I never knew love like I did when I adopted my children. When I picked up Morgan from Russia, I would watch her sleeping and I would realize that I loved her so much that it hurt my heart. I would tear up and cry. I was more prepared for that profound love when I picked up Siena. But hangin' with my two girls is, seriously, the BEST THING EVER. Except when they fight, but let's keep this one on a positive note.



Anyway, a little recap on what we did. First, we went to church with my parents. We left early and then met everyone at Market Street Grill for brunch.  The girls left with my parents and William and I went exploring a few amazingly phenomenal neighborhoods and hiking trails around Draper. We also bought desserts at a beautiful grocery store. Later, we went to my parents' house and hung out, ate dessert, and watched TV. Nothing spectacular, per se, but spending time with the people I love the most is always a great thing.

Lastly, I got a few gifts. From Morgan, a necklace/earring combo. So pretty and thoughtful. I have worn them the last two days.

And from Siena, she put together a Q&A about me. It's so cute and funny (and totally inaccurate) ) that I have to share. Enjoy!

My mom's name is: lizzet
My mom is 23 years old
My mom is 5 feet 1 inches tall
My mom has blond hair and brown eyes
My mom's favorite food is shrimp
My mom's favorite TV show is Doctor Phil and Mad Men
My mom's favorite movie is Thor
My mom loves to wear sweats
My mom drives a Volvo SUV
My mom is really good at watching TV
My mom's job is to take care of me and my sister
My mom wakes up at 19 o'clock am
When I am at school, my mom goes to get her hair done
My mom works really hard to make her hair look good
When my mom is with her friends, she likes to go to lunch
My mom wishes that there would be peace in the world
When I get home from school my mom gives me a big hug
My mom goes to bed at 7:00 pm
To relax my mom likes to watch TV
The best thing my mom cooks is shrimp with pasta
One thing that makes my mom mad is me not picking up my clothes
One thing that makes my mom happy is me being sweet and being with her friends
My mom makes me laugh was when we were in the grocery story and she said "Where are the bananas?" And I said "I'm right here mom." Because my nickname used to be Siena Banana.
My mom's favorite season is summer because we get to go to the beach with our friends
My mom wants to go on a vacation to Italy and Turkey
My mom's favorite vacation is when we went to my favorite place, Maui
When my mom was my age, she liked to color
When my mom was my age, her favorite subject in school was math
My earliest memory of my mom and me was when my mom and dad got me from the orphanage
My mom's favorite memory of me was when she asked "where are the bananas."
I love it when my mom reads to me. We go to my bed and she reads my favorite book called The Secret Garden
If I had $1 million I would buy my mom a yellow car. It is a Bug but it is small
Some day my mom and me will go to Italy and we will go to a garden.

Dear Mom,

You are the best mom ever. I love when you come to my soccer games. I love when you cook my favorite foods in the morning and when I come home. You make my favorite lunches. I love it when you pick me up from school and we go to Paradise Bakery and get a smoothie or a cookie.

XOXOXOXO Love Siena

Divorced Moms column: Hey Tori: Here is a Lesson You Failed to Learn

My latest Divorced Moms column is out! I will write forever about how important it is to select a partner of good character. Because if you knowingly select a mate who has major character flaws, then you deserve the asshole you've selected. Trust me, I've lived the Hell and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. In Tori's case, it's infidelity. Here goes...

Hey Tori: Here is a Lesson You Failed to Learn
by Lizzy Smith                    

April 28, 2014

Let me paint a scenario. You’re married and there are no serious problems in your marriage. You fly off to, say, Toronto, for a business trip. While there, you meet a guy you find incredibly handsome and you’re drawn to him. Thing is, he’s married with a young son. Oh, right, and you’ve got a husband at home waiting for you. Oh well, hormones can’t be controlled and you have an affair. Turns out, you fall for him. Hard. You two are in love and you both leave your spouses and eventually marry. Several years later, and after four children, you find out your hubby is cheating on you. You’re hurt, devastated and feel betrayed. It is painful beyond belief. You’re not eating or sleeping. Your children are confused. Where’s daddy? Why is mommy acting so strange and sad?

But, while this whole thing is awful, should you be surprised? And how sorry should your friends really feel for you? You destroyed the man’s prior family (and your own), after all. Truth is, most of your friends (behind your back) felt sorry for the spouses you both ditched and the pain you caused them (not to mention the pain inflicted on the innocent child left behind). 

This is the story of actors Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott. And so many, many other couples. You probably know some yourself. Maybe you’ve even found yourself in a similar situation.

Keep reading...

Happy birthday to me!

On November 6, 1967, a few notable things happened (actually, a few are quite tragic): A bridge at Annabaai crashes on Willemstad, Curacao, killing 15 people; the US launched Surveyor 6, making a soft landing on the moon; Dennis Brown of the San Francisco 49ers was born; in the Philippines, Typhoon Emma hit with the death toll leaving some 140,000 homeless and the death toll over 300; and, on a lighter note-- Lizzy Smilez (that's me!) was born!

And I have hair! After grueling treatments, I had enough hair to get hair extensions and I love them. Hair is good; hair is amazing; I love hair.

I used to tell everyone I was turning 38 years old no matter how many birthdays I really had under my belt. But no more! Every day, every year, is a celebration and a blessing. So, whoohoo! It's almost my birthday!

On a more somber note: Siena has been struggling with a horrible cold, which brought on breathing problems. Today I took her to urgent care and she was hovering between 88-91 percent lung capacity. So scary and borderline "let's put her in the hospital." We treated her with big time antibiotics, extra breathing treatments, essential oils, inhalers, anti cough meds... you name it. This evening, she started perking up and her oxygen levels are holding steady at 90 percent. Still not good but it looks like she can stay out of the hospital. It breaks my heart to watch her struggling for breath.  After she perked up this evening, I did a mini facial on her, which included a facial mask (she looked like the Wicked Witch of the West) and cucumbers over her eyes, a bath with essential oils and Epsom salts, good moisturizer, and a mani/pedi. And we made Jello. Cute. Please, Lord, heal my little girl.

Like mommy, like daughter. We love facials.

Siena also disappeared into the bathroom for awhile. When she came out, she had made her own beehive bun. She is the most creative child I've ever known. And funny.

And happier news on the kid-front: Morgan got her first quarter grades. They went like this: five A's, one B+', and one B. Since I pay out $20 per A, $10 per B, $0 per C, and every D she has to pay me $20, Morgan scored big time. She wanted to spend a good chunk of that money on getting her iPhone swapped for a white cover instead of a black one. Her money but since I'm still Mom, I get final say. I said absolutely not. She wasn't happy.


Morgan might get cross with me but we're still great pals no matter what. I'm so happy my children love me, flaws and all, and they forgive me for my shortcomings as a mom.

Tomorrow, William is going car shopping with me. I plan on test driving a Jeep Grand Cherokee, a VW Touareg, and a Volvo SUV. Then we're going to dinner with the family and eating cake, which William is baking. It'll be nice and low key and William and I will celebrate sans kids next weekend at a beautiful resort about an hour from home. I'll fill you in on all the details afterwards but I have a feeling that those of you in Utah should add it to your bucket list.

A few announcements:

1. On Thursday, Nov. 7 at 6PM ET, I have been invited to co-host the Cure Panel radio show when we talk about the benefits of yoga. I accepted the invitation and I'm really excited about it. If you'd like to tune in, all the details are here: http://curepanel.carefeed.net/event/rsvp/5/.

2. I just finished interviewing a law firm to help me with Part Deux of my divorce. I love this firm and I think I'm very close to making a decision. A big huge weight is almost off my shoulders. More details to come.

3. So I'm not sure how I type this one out so if this makes sense to no one but (potentially) one person, that's ok. Here goes: This afternoon, I got a voicemail from a very official sounding man who asked that I return his call. It was a San Diego phone number. I was sure this had to do with my divorce (and I suppose, indirectly, it is). But when I returned this guy's phone call, turns out he didn't call me and he didn't know who I was and I didn't know he was and we couldn't figure out the connection or what the heck was going on. And then we figured out our connection. So, to the person out there who wanted us to "talk", if you are reading this: We talked. But I have no idea why or what the heck is going on. So if there is a greater reason, can you let one of us know? Kinda awkward... though a pleasant exchange.

Happy Tuesday!