Not Shoving "Square" Children Into "Round" Holes

I just got back from Long Beach where I went to my best friend's sister-in-law's memorial. I am so lucky to have such close friends. I really think that few people are blessed with friends like I have in Julie and Shane. We have been through a lot together. I trust them with my life, and the lives of my children. How awesome is that? And as we gathered for Sherri's memorial, it was amazing to be surrounded by so much love. Nothing in my life matters more to me than the relationships I have with others. I am finally, at long last, living the life I always wanted. Surrounded by people I love and trust, traveling, and working on issues I am passionate about (cancer, health and wellness, and survivorship). Cancer sucks. I hate it. I wish I never had to deal with it. But life handed this to me and there have been upsides. I hope to high heaven that those of you who are healthy never need to get a devastating health diagnosis to do the same.

Peace and love,
Lizzy

She May Not Live The Life I Pick For Her. And So What?
By Lizzy Smith
                   

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June 14, 2016

I have learned so much about me and life in general in my grown-up years. I thought I had it all figured out and then - bam! - another Life Lesson hits me smack in the face. I wish I could get a re-do but since I can't, I can try to take my life's learnings and incorporate them into my daily grind. Because if I don't, what's the point?

The latest is this past weekend. I flew to Long Beach for the memorial gathering of my friend who just passed away from ovarian cancer. Over the course of five days, I hung out with people who are like my family. One afternoon, my best friends (who are married) Julie, Shane, two of their daughters and I drove to Huntington Beach and went to a Farmer's Market. There were some very interesting people selling their fruits and veggies, organic herbs, various oils, and services that ranged from acupuncture to hypnotism and everything in between. I talked to one woman who was particularly fascinating, with her long flowing hair and skirt. A free spirt, she was. Well traveled, educated, and living a life that did not include windowless office cubicles and hours sitting in traffic every day (not that there is anything wrong with that!). I envied her. How come she got to travel the globe and live a life I envied and I didn't?

Later that day, Julie and I talked about The Meaning of Life. She and her husband have recently made some super huge life changes, which include selling their house and most of their furniture and downsizing in a ginormous way. Not only did shedding all that "stuff" save them a lot of money, but it also saves them a ton of time taking care of it all.

"When you and Sherri got sick, I realized that I was living a life I didn't want," Julie said. "I want to travel and live. I do not want all the trappings anymore. I don't think I ever did." Julie and I are so similar in this respect (which is why we are best friends)-- we both are on a quest to see the world, as much of it as possible RIGHT NOW. We want to create memories and strengthen relationships. How did I end up so off course for so long?

Expectations. That's why.

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Got kids? Travel with them! My list of child-friendly trips to fit most any budget

I love nothing more than traveling. (Have I said this already?) And now that my daughters are heading into summer break (hooray!) it's time to start making plans. In the meantime, here are some of my favorite trips to take with your kids. My latest via Divorced Moms.

10 Fabulous Trips To Take With Your Children
by Lizzy Smith                    

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May 20, 2016

Here we are in Lugano, Switzerland! It was so beautiful.

When I received a cancer diagnosis in January 2012, it was a life changing moment. In an instant, things were never the same for me. In many respects, this was good. Pre-diagnosis, my life was a disaster and I was desperately unhappy. I spent way too much time commuting to work, buying stuff I didn’t want or need, putting up with an extremely abusive spouse, and focusing on the inconsequential. Fast forward a year later. I had survived treatment and it was time to rebuild my life and live it with passion. I decided to live BIG and GRAND, create memories, and have fun. As part of that new mantra, I became obsessed with traveling and taking my daughters with me.

To shake things up, I try to plan four trips per year: 1) somewhere in our state (Utah), 2) a state we have never visited, 3) a national park, and 4) a foreign country. On these trips, it is imperative that we learn something new, eat a different food, and have fun. Oh, right-- and get some rest. So far, my favorite cities in the world are Moscow, London and Buenos Aires. My favorite state to explore is Utah. The most awesome fashion and shopping is Milan. The best food is in New Orleans. A place I’ve never wanted to leave was Lake Como (Italy). The best snorkeling is Belize. The most incredible museum is The Hermitage in St. Petersburg, Russia. But this could all change because I’m not done exploring.

When it comes to traveling with children, though, there are some really terrific kid-friendly options that I highly recommend. So if a trip is in your budget, here are my favorites to take children of most any age:

1. A cruise

Pretty much any cruise is a terrific option for kids. The ships all have kid’s clubs where you can drop your children off for large chunks of the day. I never let my kids go to their clubs while the ship was in port, but you could. Plus, with unending food 24 hours per day, you never need to worry about feeding them. You can find a cruise to fit almost any budget. I personally love Europe and exploring via a cruise ship made this possible and easy with kids in tow.

2. Jackson, Wyoming and Yellowstone National Park
Jackson is an amazingly fun and beautiful place to visit. The town is charming, and there are endless things to do, like rafting, horseback riding, and hiking. Plus you’re not far from the entrance to Yellowstone National Park, a place that should be on everyone’s Bucket List. I took my kids on this road trip when they were ages four and nine and they absolutely loved everything about it. We saw tons of wildlife, Old Faithful, drank Mulberry Milkshakes, and took trams up the mountains for the best hiking trails. Depending on the time of year you go, hotels super expensive and sell-out quickly. So either plan ahead or consider staying in nearby Victor or Grand Targhee (Idaho).

3. Washington, DC
What makes Washington, DC rock is that many of the attractions, museums and monuments are FREE. This makes a visit to our nation’s capital somewhat affordable. I took my daughters when they were ages seven and 12 and they also learned a lot. My youngest daughter still talks about visiting the place where President Lincoln was shot and where he died. We visited all the main monuments, Mt Vernon (Washington’s home), the U.S Capitol and Supreme Court, Library of Congress, Arlington National Cemetery, the National Archives and several of the museums that make up the Smithsonian. Nearly all of them were free or just a few dollars. We sat outside at the Iwo Jima Memorial and watched spectacular 4^th of July fireworks. We also rented a car and drove to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania (a very quaint town) for a private tour of the battlefield. We stayed in a hotel near Georgetown where we could walk to many sites or take the metro. Washington, DC is definitely a “must visit.”

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How to teach our children to love their bodies

Here's a fabulous article from my favorite guest writer. I'm dealing with trying to parent my daughters through the tough teen and tween years. Developing a positive body image is part of that and it is HARD. Here, Chris offers up an important, wise and timely article, from a guy's perspective.

From A Guy's Perspective: Body Image Issues & Good Parenting
by Lizzy Smith and Chris                    

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May 09, 2016

My favorite guy guest-writer opines about one of my favorite topics du jour: body issues and how to deal with it as parents. Chris is wise and hearing from the male side of the aisle is always interesting and helpful. And on this one, Chris does not disappoint.

The Unmanageable Body Imageby Chris, guest blogger

Many of us struggle our entire lives with body-image issues, mostly involving shame, embarrassment, or simply wishing contrary to fact and reason that some feature was different. How, as parents, can we hope to give our children enthusiasm, take away the hurtful words of peers, or simply ignore or suppress these feelings, when we continue to make the same kinds of judgments about ourselves, and we give credit to the judgments expressed by others?

A child’s feelings can be as fragile as a moth’s wings

Feelings of some diminishment of self-worth based on visual appearance and comparison to others are near universal. They aren’t universal. There are people who care nothing about their own appearance or what others’ judgments may be about their appearance. They’re the exception, maybe an enviable one, but not part of my own experience as a person or as a parent. I also can’t deal, within a few printed words, with manifestations of self-doubt that take the form or harmful behaviors like self-mutilation, such as cutting, or eating disorders that can destroy health. If a behavior based in body self-image is getting in the way of not just enjoyment of life but also getting in the way of doing the things we need to do to be productive and social people, then professional intervention is called for.

As a parent, the key is probably to model the behavior we want to see in our children, and to seek professional help if these negative thoughts begin to get in the way of the rest of life.

The challenge is that as adults we’re often continuing to harbor our own self-doubts. It should come as no surprise then that our children are unlikely to confide in us their own doubts about themselves. I remember at age five looking in the mirror, being upset with what I saw, and telling my mother that my head was too big. It seems completely silly today, but at age five, it was a personal crisis. Ultimately, and likely very quickly, I got over that worry and grew a body that fit my head in more pleasing proportion, and probably never again mentioned to my mother any dissatisfaction with my physical body. So my concerns ended there? No, not even close, but I began to learn acceptance. I grew up with two parents in the house, and I’m sure that I never mentioned anything like that to my father. He would have considered anything short of a compound fracture (broken bone protruding from the skin) to be frivolous.

How do we help our children become comfortable not just in their own skins, but with their own skins?

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Raising girls and developing "body shame"

My latest via Divorced Moms. These days, I'm sort of on a rant about body-shaming, bodies, modesty and rapes. I'll be writing more as soon as I get a minute. A lot of debate in Utah lately about rape, a culture that protects rapists, and victim-blaming-- all thanks to Brigham Young University, which is located in my back yard, lucky me. I'll share more details later. Until then, here's one on how "body shaming" has entered into this moms world as of late. Enjoy!

6 Ways To Prevent Body Shaming In Our Children

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By Lizzy Smith

April 27, 2016

I remember all too well the age when I no longer loved to swim. I was in sixth grade and there was a pool party hosted by my church and I realized that there was no chance in Hell that I was going to put on a swimsuit when there were boys from my school there. I had started developing breasts and hips and I felt fat. I made up an excuse on why I couldn’t be there until later when the swimming ended.

It didn’t help that I was raised in a strict Mormon environment where the girls were prohibited from wearing two-piece swimsuits lest we temp boys into thinking naughty thoughts and perhaps acting on them. It didn’t help that I was told that my body must be covered or I could be responsible for terrible things a boy might think or do. It didn’t help that I was taught by well-meaning church leaders that somehow my body was shameful. Being a teen and having a body that I no longer recognized was hard enough, those messages were seriously damaging. Coping with tampons, greasy hair, and braces was a nightmare. I was a tall gawky mess. I no longer knew what to do with my hair, how to put on makeup, and lacked the skills for putting together a cute outfit. Nothing looked or felt right and I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide.

It was really quite sad because before then, I lived in a swimsuit during warmer months. I loved pools and the beach. I was happy and carefree, just a girl having fun in the sun and water. And then, because of how I felt about my body, it all stopped. Just like that. So sad.

I still struggle with body issues even though I’ve tried really hard to overcome them. Since cancer, I’ve done my best to love my body, flaws and all. I did a boudoir shoot even, walking around a photo studio topless. But still, I look at myself in the mirror and wonder why I don’t look like, well, a list of actresses or models. Instead, I look like… a 48 year old woman.

A few weeks ago, we spent Spring Break in Costa Rica and Nicaragua. It was hot, humid and perfect. I was so happy to leave behind the cold Utah weather and rest in the sun. It was a really hard few months for me this past November and December, as I struggled with chemo and its horrible side effects. I lost my hair and eyelashes. I threw up every day. During those dark moments, I planned this trip. I wanted to go somewhere that felt healing and Costa Rica seemed perfect. Pura Vida, the pure life.

…And then I noticed my beautiful ten-year old daughter putting on a rash-guard over her bikini every day before we went out to the beach or pool. I was sort of happy about it (less sun on her shoulders) but also baffled. Then one afternoon, I pulled out clean clothes for her to wear that included a tank top. She put it on and then begged me for a different top. It dawned on me what was happening—she was ashamed of showing her shoulders. (In the Mormon religion, “porn shoulders” is not an uncommon term; showing shoulders is immodest in many conservative circles). I was horrified and had a little Mommy-daughter chat.

“What are you worried about?” I asked in private, in as sweet a voice as I could muster. “Do not let the crazy women in our neighborhood tell you to be ashamed of your body. It is beautiful and perfect.” I wanted to find someone to blame this on. I was so angry. How do I handle this? When we got home, I called trusted friends and did a little research. Here’s what I learned:

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The Mommy Wars: Stay At Home Mom versus Working Mom. Which is best for the kids?

My latest via Divorced Moms. Honestly, I cannot wait for summer-- it's my favorite time of year. I truly love keeping my kids busy, the flexibility of it all, and going fun places. Exploring. I love the sun and the heat. Yesterday it snowed in Utah and was miserable cold. Today, no snow but it is still miserably cold. GET ME OUT OF HERE. Ok, fine, I will! Morgan and I fly to Las Vegas tomorrow night for the weekend, and in nine days, we are going to Costa Rica for Spring Break. I cannot wait to be warm every day and to wear sundresses and flip flops again.

Happy Hump Day!

Lizzy

I Stepped Into the Mommy Wars: Are Kids Better Off At Home?
by Lizzy Smith                    

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March 23, 2016

With my daughters’ Spring Break just next week, I’ve started thinking about our summer plans. My gosh it is coming quick—just two more months and they’re done!

Before I got sick with cancer and went on medical leave, I worked full time for Corporate America. This meant that their summer vacation wasn’t mine, so I had to hurry up and sign up my children for al-day camps before the best ones filled up. The cost was staggering but you know what? They loved their summers. Though they couldn’t sleep in (my then-hubby and I had to get to the office early), they got to pick camps based on their interests. One week, it was swim camp, another was skateboarding, then ice skating or crafts… Their favorite (and was the priciest) was a week spent at different theme parks in Southern California: Knott’s Berry Farm, Belmont Park, Sea World, Legoland, and a big waterpark.

Post cancer diagnosis, our lives became very different. For starters, I no longer work a 9-5 job at the office. This gives me loads of flexibility and I can take my laptop on the road and do anything from any location. The first summer, I was left scratching my head on how we would spend our time together. It was awesome as, for the first time in my adult life, I could play with my children. I filled it by taking trips (one was a 17-day trek on Amtrak across the USA with stops in Chicago, Washington DC and New York City; another was several weeks in Los Angeles hanging out with friends who were teachers and had the summer off of work, too), going to the local rec center and hanging out at the pool (them swimming, me reading magazines under a huge tree), and taking day excursions to local museums and venues like the zoo. On the days that I had nothing planned, it drove me bat-crazy to see my children sleep all day and watch TV. I literally couldn’t handle it so I’d drag them back out to a movie, or shopping, or just a drive up the canyon.

So what to do this summer? I started making phone calls to local places that are likely running day camps—a climbing facility, a local kids’ museum, recreation centers, cheer clubs… I am not joking—every single one of these places has camps, but they run for about two hours. That’s it. I am not happy. “That’s not a camp, that’s a class,” I’ve said to many of the employees. “Where are your all day camps?” I get these blank stares and usually a nervous giggle. “You’re in Utah!” one woman said with a glare.

What the hell is that supposed to mean? Parents in Utah don’t have jobs? I have literally never seen more little children in my entire life. What the heck are these parents doing with them all summer? I went on a quest to find out.

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