Divorced Moms column: Hey Tori: Here is a Lesson You Failed to Learn

My latest Divorced Moms column is out! I will write forever about how important it is to select a partner of good character. Because if you knowingly select a mate who has major character flaws, then you deserve the asshole you've selected. Trust me, I've lived the Hell and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. In Tori's case, it's infidelity. Here goes...

Hey Tori: Here is a Lesson You Failed to Learn
by Lizzy Smith                    

April 28, 2014

Let me paint a scenario. You’re married and there are no serious problems in your marriage. You fly off to, say, Toronto, for a business trip. While there, you meet a guy you find incredibly handsome and you’re drawn to him. Thing is, he’s married with a young son. Oh, right, and you’ve got a husband at home waiting for you. Oh well, hormones can’t be controlled and you have an affair. Turns out, you fall for him. Hard. You two are in love and you both leave your spouses and eventually marry. Several years later, and after four children, you find out your hubby is cheating on you. You’re hurt, devastated and feel betrayed. It is painful beyond belief. You’re not eating or sleeping. Your children are confused. Where’s daddy? Why is mommy acting so strange and sad?

But, while this whole thing is awful, should you be surprised? And how sorry should your friends really feel for you? You destroyed the man’s prior family (and your own), after all. Truth is, most of your friends (behind your back) felt sorry for the spouses you both ditched and the pain you caused them (not to mention the pain inflicted on the innocent child left behind). 

This is the story of actors Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott. And so many, many other couples. You probably know some yourself. Maybe you’ve even found yourself in a similar situation.

Keep reading...

Dear Tori: When you marry an asshole, you now have an asshole for a husband

Dear Tori Spelling,

I've loved you since you were a child. I watched your guest spots on The Love Boat and Vegas and, of course, the original Beverly Hills 90210. I don't think I missed a single episode of that show over ten years. But when you met Dean, you were both married to other people. On location, you both started up an affair, then when you got home, informed your respective spouses that you were in love with someone else, and left them. You both destroyed two families. In Dean's case, he had two children with his wife at the time, but your desire to be with a guy you loved trumped children and vows and families. I was so disappointed. Because, in my humble opinion, you just don't wreck a home. You do not insert yourself in the middle of someone else's family. EVER. You wait until the marriage is OVER before you go after someone else's spouse.

And now after four children, you are devastated that Dean has cheated on you. You don't know if you can trust him. Your children are hurt. You are angry and feel betrayed. And surprised.

For real?

Let's see... You married a cheater. Did you really think that the cheater you married would all of a sudden change for you? Are you flippin' serious? You married a cheater and your husband is, well, he's a CHEATER. And you knew it. And you deserve it. Sucks? Yep. Surprising? HELL NO.

People don't change their stripes because they are all of a sudden in a new relationship. Many relationships end because two people change in different directions. There can be a loss of commitment. Boredom comes in. Priorities change. You can fall out of love. ... You get the picture.

And then other relationships end because one has a pathological problem. Like an addict. Or a cheater. Or an abuser. Those people are who they are and the only way they will ever change is with hardcore therapy. And without major therapy over a long sustained period of time, they're just who they are. Period.

So when you marry a cheater, or an alcoholic, or an addict, or someone who physically abuses others, or a sociopath... Well, that's what you get. And if you knowingly enter into a relationship with someone like this, you DESERVE IT.

Best of luck. I feel so sorry for your children AND for the children Dean fathered with his first ex wife. Shame on both of you.

Lizzy