Tuesday, December 30, 2014

The Accusations: What my ex says about me, my rebuttal, and how it's impacted my future relationships

My latest via Divorced Moms. I am slowly updating my readers on Divorced Moms about my prior life with an alcoholic. I am taking a few older posts, refreshing them, and sharing them with a whole different audience. In the past month, I've heard from quite a few readers who have just discovered my blog so I know these stories resonate. I certainly hope so, anyway! Here goes, enjoy!

Finding Lizzy: How Life With An Alcoholic Impacted My Behavior
by Lizzy Smith                    
December 30, 2014
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A while ago, a friend and I were talking about my former life with Rob, my alcoholic ex-husband. (In case you've missed it, I was married to a highly functioning, verbally abusive alcoholic. I finally left him on the day I was being tested for cancer when Rob, in a drunken rage, spit in my face, calling me a thief, loser, drama queen and lazy.) This friend then he asked me a very thought-provoking question: What would Rob say about me? What would he claim were the reasons our marriage didn't work out?
Well that was easy enough because Rob screamed these accusations at me all the time. Here they are, along with my rebuttal:

Rob says: You're a control freak!
Lizzy Says: Absolutely and completely false.

This accusation from the mouth of an alcoholic is so trite and boring. Pretty much every alcoholic says that their partner (or children, parents, etc) is a control freak. After all, how dare anyone have the audacity of saying the alcoholic's behavior is unacceptable, right?

The reality is, I had no control. Every ounce of control was held by Rob the Great (Alcoholic). Every single thing I did was controlled by Rob's temper tantrums, expected temper tantrum, or a hope that I could somehow avoid a temper tantrum. By Rob's refusal to do almost anything around the house meant that I was worked to the bone, overstressed, overtaxed and, eventually, sick and fighting for my life.
Control? The only thing I controlled was the cleanliness of the home. The more chaotic our alcoholic home became, the cleaner I tried to keep the house. To the point that it became an obsession.

Rob Says: You have a hair-trigger temper!
Lizzy Says: I deserve a medal for restraint

When one is getting screamed at, belittled, and emotionally terrorized pretty much every day, I think I deserve a medal for keeping my mouth shut most times. True, after a couple days of silence, I would email or text Rob messages about how I really felt. Mostly that he was a lazy, pathetic, abusive drunk and I hated him.

But I walked away from Rob ninety percent of the time I was terrorized. And for that, I am proud of my behavior. Of course, what I should have done was left his drunk ass as soon as I realized what a jerk he was.

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