Tuesday, November 11, 2014

How my husband sucked me in and (tried) to keep me there

I haven't written new content from my marriage in quite some time. But soon I will be writing about the final year of life with my ex-husband, Rob the Great (Alcoholic). As I prepare to write that series, which will be on Divorced Moms and I will post here, as well, I really do believe my Guardian Angel was holding my hand along the way-- small things that were preparing me to finally ditch my husband because, really, I had no other choice. God and my angels wanted me out of that marriage and they were going to drag me out of it one way or the other. God and my angel were preparing to save me, and they were putting all the preparations in place during that last year we lived together. It really is am amazing story.

And as I get the energy and motivation to tackle the story (which I feel is ready to be told, email exchanges between the two of us and all-- they're a whopper) I write this article for Divorced Moms below. Looking back on my marriage and writing about it, I am at times amazed that I lived that life and that, yes, my husband really was that horrible. That was really the hardest part of my divorce-- coming to the determination that my husband was NOT a good guy with a horrible addiction (and if the addiction would just go away, I'd be left with a great guy), but rather a really horrible "man" (who could, when there was an audience, pretend to be good). Truly, a terrible person in a costume that he stripped away when he got home and there wasn't anyone but us poor victims called his family, to see it. That is the most awful kind of all-- the fraud.  How I lived with Evil for five years is nuts.

And I also wonder about me. How the heck did I allowed this kind of treatment from a guy I didn't love, wasn't attracted to (at all), had a nub for a penis and sucked in bed, had a shrill woman's voice, and wasn't very smart and, worse yet, was so boring. No hunger or thirst for knowledge, improvement, or expansion (just an insatiable thirst for beer and all the horrific side effects that went along with it). I have learned, however, from that entire sordid experience and I'm teaching my daughters to set their expectations high when it comes to boys. Because I would never have dated Rob once if I had been in my "right" mind (and I wasn't-- I was madly in love with someone else). (Not a good time to "accidentally" find a new boyfriend and, in my case, a (fraud) husband-- and for that, I am to blame). I am also sharing my story, raw as I am in my writing, so perhaps my readers will learn something, too.

 Life with an alcoholic (and cancer, which is a whole different learning experience of its own!) has given me a purpose in life. It came with much pain and suffering, but how else do we learn? Ok, enough about that, read on...

My Abusive Husband Nearly Destroyed Me. Here's How
by Lizzy Smith                    
November 11, 2014
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A few days ago, I recived an email from one of my readers who was struggling with her abusive boyfriend. So many of my stories resonated with her and she was desperately trying to find enough strength to leave her guy. Despite all the horrible things he was doing, she knew that he was capable of being a good person. After all, he started off as a great guy when they first met. Right? Wrong! That’s the pattern of an abuser. He sucks in his victim and, before she knows it, she’s in too deep. That’s the point.

Here's my story...

When I met my abuser, “Rob,” he portrayed himself to be a really great guy (which he reminded me of throughout our marriage) until he had completed his sales pitch. Then the real Rob showed up and, well, yuck. Horror, actually. Rob blamed all his bizarre temper tantrums at the feet of his ex-wife, Tina. This woman was, in his words, nothing but a lying, lazy, whore who only cared about his money and their GINORMOUS amazing house (except when I saw this BIG house, it wasn't big or impressive).

Within weeks of our meeting, Rob asked me for a commitment. Within a month, he told me he was in love with me. I felt sorry for him. This poor innocent boy had no real life experiences because his ex-wife stunted his emotional development. What a line a crap he sold me. During the first Rob temper tantrum, I was literally speechless and horrified as I witnessed a grown man act in a way I had never seen in my entire life. Soon, the Rob tantrum cycles became disgustingly apparent: Pressure, pressure, pressure-- EXPLOSION. BAM. And EVERYING for Rob was pressure and he couldn’t handle ANY of it. Problem is, had to handle his job at the utility company. Everything else, well, fuck everyone-- we victims got to pick up all the pieces of the disaster known as his life. Rob couldn’t handle the pressures of parenting, dogs, paying bills, or managing the vacation rental, or anything at all. All he could really handle was drinking, diving and going on vacations. Rob would get this crazed look in his eyes just before a Rob tantrum and just-- EXPLODE. And nothing I could do would prevent those horrible, awful, inexcusable explosions.

And this is how I ended up with an abuser:

1. I got sucked in
Rob did this by saying he loved me, slamming through a huge commitment from me, pulling out all the stops to sell me that he was a great guy and would be an amazing husband, companion and father. Sheesh, all he had to do was show me (and continually remind me) of all the millions of friends he had and the really close relationship with his family. Except, truly, none of his friends truly "know" him beyond diving trips and a few war stories.

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