My friend, “Abby,” recently met a guy online, “Stan.” Abby fell hard and fast for Stan. On their third date, the two of them showed up at a dinner I was attending. They looked really cute together and you could tell right away that there was chemistry between the two of them.
I knew the look on Abby’s face well, having experienced it with a few men myself. It was that “I don’t even know what’s going on around me because the only thing that matters is this guy I’m with” gaze. If there was a fire in the kitchen, I don’t think Abby would have noticed (or cared).
I talked to Abby the next day. “I could fall in love with this guy!” she said. Just the sound of her voice made me laugh. It sounds so trite but just hearing her talk was exciting. But, on the other hand, I wanted to caution her– this could very easily end up not going so well. The problem is, who wants to be cautious when it’s so dang fun to just enjoy falling head over heels?
Two days later, Abby joined me for my morning coffee run. “Have you slept with him?” I asked.
“Yes! Last night it was two hours of solid love making. This is what amazing sex is like!” she said. She was literally glowing, cheeks pink… Abby never had good sex with her ex-husband and he was the only man she’d ever slept with until her divorce was final. She was discovering her body, orgasms, an emotional connection… all of it.
She went on and on, talking about her new love. Stan (according to him) never had good sex with his ex-wife either. Abby was his second sexual partner. There were no girlfriends since his divorce. He was honest, shy, innocent and kind. He was perfect for her and Abby had high hopes for their future.
That pure excitement and happiness was short-lived. All day, silence from Stan–not a single text or phone call. By Tuesday afternoon, she broke down and texted him. He apologized for the silence, he was just really busy at work. She baked some dinner for her mom and had left-overs and she invited Stan to meet up with her and pick up a plate, which he did. Wednesday came and went. Silence. By Thursday, Abby was confused. She was angry with herself for sleeping with Stan so quickly, upset with his disappearing act, and tired of obsessing about it.
She went online and looked up Stan’s profile again and there he was, “online now.” It felt like a kick to her gut. Was Stan honest with anything he told her? Was he coming across as a simple, honest and shy guy when, in reality, he was a serial dater? Maybe. She didn’t know him well at all (it had just been a week, after all), so who knew? She knew his body but she didn’t know his intentions. Heck, she didn’t know how to communicate with him either. Now what?
First, Abby blocked Stan’s profile. Next, she called Stan and ended their semi-dating relationship. Stan seemed surprised. He said that he didn’t know he was supposed to be calling her every day, and apologized. What was the rush in defining their relationship? He thought they were having fun? Abby said she certainly deserved more than silence. If Stan was really into her, he would naturally want to talk or text her every day. Was that too much to ask? Maybe, but without having that conversation prior, who knows? Certainly they were on two different planets and Abby wasn’t up for the “relationship” on Stan’s terms. If they had kept it casual, if they hadn’t already had sex, then most likely, a casual and slow dating pace would have been perfectly fine. But after sex? It wasn’t ok at all.