Divorced Moms: Marriage Hell-- One of us is crazy, is it me? My need to validate

From Divorced Moms.

Marriage Hell: One Of Us Is Crazy, Is It Me? My Need To Validate
by Lizzy Smith                     

March 13, 2015                             

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Real names have been changed in this article.

Pretty much every abuser puts his victim down endlessly. In my case, my ex husband, Rob the Great (Alcoholic) was no different. (I call my ex Rob the Great because he constantly told me what a "great guy" he was and how I simply failed to realize it and appreciate him.) During the course of our marriage, he said things like:

• Without him, I wouldn't have a job. We worked for the same company. He claimed that it was his great power within the company that I got the job to begin with, though I was beyond qualified and experienced for that position and no one in my entire department, including my hiring manager, had even heard of Rob. Add to that, there were strict regulations that prevented him from having any input in hiring for my position and, if he had, he could have been fined, fired, and prosecuted.
• I worked in the dumbest part of the company. I worked in corporate communications and Rob loved to tell me that everyone knew that everyone in my department was worthless and we never really did anything all day. All we did was look good and go to parties, he said.
• I couldn't survive live without him. In San Diego, we had a 15-hour power outage. Rob came home that evening drunk and screaming at me that without him, the children and I would be screwed.
• He was the best dad ever and our children liked him more than they liked me. I was boring and worthless. 
• He made so much money and was so successful and I could never financially handle life without him.  
• If I left him, he'd find another girlfriend in a second because there were so many women out there looking for a great guy like him and I would never find another man.

When I was diagnosed with cancer and fled our home and moved to Utah to enter treatment, I received horrible messages. Here's one example:

From: Rob
To: Lizzy
Subject: This is YOU baby!!!!
Everyone in my life hates you and is glad you're gone. Nicky can't believe that you took the girls after I started all over and agreed to raise kids again. The girls love me and miss their dad and I'll tell them it's your fault, baby, that they were taken away from their loving dad. Kelly hates you. She is getting so much more from me now that you're gone. If you think she's being helpful by telling you anything, it's all lies. She's so glad you're gone. When we go to court the room will be filled with everyone supporting me. The landlords are on my side. Even the woman at the Marriott thought you were really weird. So, baby, you just get better and can't wait to see you in court with all my friends ready to testify that I'm a great guy and you're a crazy, lying thieving nutjob. Have a great day!!!!!

A few email exchanges later, I sent Rob an email reminding him about the time in which Kelly told him, sobbing, that if he drank again during the weeks she lived with him, that she would move out and not come back. And then he drank in front of her a few days later and Kelly, true to her word, stopped living with him, decreasing his custody from 50-50 to 90-10.

Rob responded with this: It never happened!! You're a LIAR and Kelly is going to write a letter saying it never happened!!!

Clearly, one of us was crazy. After a while, I started wondering if I was the crazy one and not Rob. I needed validation.

Immediately after getting this email, I contacted our landlords. "I'm sorry to hear that you're on Rob's side. Can you tell me what that means, exactly?" I asked. He responded. "On Rob's side? We don't have enough information to be on either side and we're just the landlords. We hear you are sick and we pray you'll recover soon."

Next, I sent Rob's friend, Ken, a text message. "I hear you plan on going to court to testify on what a great guy Rob is and how crazy I am. You know how much I struggled with Rob's drinking because you and I discussed it. I never lied or exaggerated what was happening in our home. I survived hell, escaped it, and am now sick." Ken texted back: "I would never go to court to say anything bad about you! I know how bad things were. I don't know why Rob would put words in my mouth like that."

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From Divorced Moms: Marriage Hell-- I'm not an alcoholic! It's YOUR fault!

From Divorced Moms.

Marriage Hell: I'm Not An Alcoholic! It's YOUR Fault!
by Lizzy Smith                                      

March 10, 2015

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I'M NOT AN ACOHOLIC!!!!
In September 2011, Rob started his typical screaming/tirade episode at me. And he said something to me that really did shock me for once.
He screamed with his shrill voice, "I talked to my alcohol counselor and I'm NOT AN ALCOHOLIC."

OK, so that did floor me. I was speechless for once. I said, "Well, Rob, if you tell me you're an alcoholic, I'm going to believe you're an alcoholic."

"I ONLY SAID THAT TO TRY AND SAVE THE MARRIAGE!" I'm telling you that NO ONE can scream like Rob.

So we had a couple's counseling session with his alcohol therapist. Except, as usual, Rob didn't show up. Just me. "Rob tells me you say he's not an alcoholic. Well, whatever he is or isn't-- I will tell you he has a drinking problem. It materially changes his personality and it's a big problem in our marriage and it was a huge problem in his last marriage," I told her.

"Wait a minute," she jumped it. "I did NOT tell Rob he isn't an alcoholic. Rob is an alcoholic."

"But he told me you told him that he wasn't," I stammered.

"That's not what I said. Just because he can go days without drinking, or even go on the wagon for a few months, doesn't make him NOT an alcoholic. It makes him a dry alcoholic. It drives everything he does. Every decision he makes."

"But why would he tell me that?" I asked.

"Because alcoholics lie. And Rob is no exception."

Yes, alcoholics do lie. It's the pathology of their disease. I felt so stupid and duped. I knew he lied. He lied to me about his drinking, where he was, what he was doing. He lied to others about everything and I'd bight my tongue so as not to embarrass anyone. He embarrassed me around others when we had had too much to drink.
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Divorced Moms: Marriage Hell... A cancer diagnosis & no reprieve from hubby

From Divorced Moms.

Marriage Hell: A Cancer Diagnosis And No Reprieve From Hubby
by Lizzy Smith                     

March 06, 2015

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Getting diagnosed with cancer sucks. But getting diagnosed with cancer and then having your (alcoholic) husband taunt you sucks even worse.

The month prior to diagnosis Leading up to my diagnosis was not a fun time and I started to know in my gut that something wasn't right. In December, I went on a business trip and worked ridiculous hours. By the time I flew home, I was exhausted beyond belief. The next two days were a Thursday and Friday and I was given comp days to rest up.

After dropping off the kids at school on Thursday morning, I started cleaning the house, doing laundry, unpacking, and balancing our checking account. Rob was home that day under the guise of "working from home" (wink wink, which meant hitting the bars starting at noon). I noticed that Rob overspent on something and I asked him for details. He started SCREAMING at me like only Rob the Great (Alcoholic) can. His scream is this freaky bizarre falsetto/mezzo soprano pitch. And he wrings his hands and nearly jumps up and down. Seriously, unless you see it, you wouldn't even believe it. It is seriously freakish.

"Why are you screaming? I can hear you. I'm right in front of you," I said. In which case he started screaming at me some more. "This is my day off! I want to relax!" I said to him back, "And this is my comp day. I am exhausted. And I am doing things for our home-- things I hate doing, things that must be done, and things that you promised from Day 1 of our relationship that you would take over [like the finances]." 

He then called me a bitch and I stood up and shoved him hard and told him to shut the fuck up. I grabbed my handbag, got in my car and drove around sobbing. Rob and I had a counseling session that afternoon together and I it couldn't come fast enough.

I drove to Costco and went shopping. On my way home, Rob called screaming at me again. I had left my handbag in the shopping cart and it was at the member services department and how could I be so stupid to leave my purse there? I hung up on him and drove back to Costco. By now, I knew something was wrong with me. I was shaking, confused, and scared. And I was angry with Rob-- so angry with myself for staying with this monster for so long. I hated him.

A few hours later, I picked up our daughter at school and she told me that while I was on my business trip, Rob had taken the kids to his oldest daughter's house, who had drug issues. Because of this, Rob and I agreed that the younger children could not go to her home but that they could see her in safe places, like a restaurant or his mom's house. Instead, while I was gone, Rob took the kids to her house and told them both to lie to me about it. I was furious.

Soon after, Rob called to tell me that he wasn't going to our counseling session. "Of course you're not," I said. "You'll have to tell your counselor you're still a drunk and while you're supposed to be at group therapy sessions, you're at the bars and diving."

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Back from South America and no myeloma side effects!

So I'm back from South America! And while this will be a very short blog post because I have a million things to get caught up on, I wanted to report a few quickies.

• This was one of the best vacations of my entire life. Everyone must add Iguazu Falls (Brazil and Argentina) to their bucket list.

• I love seeing interesting critters in their natural habitat, and there are MANY in Iguazu!

 

• Punta Del Este, Uruguay is a gem. If you're looking for an exotic, off-the-beaten-track, beach-y vacation, consider this one. It is spectacularly beautiful.

• It was pretty cool putting one foot in Brazil, one in Argentina, and having the backdrop of Paraguay right behind me.

• Selfies are fun - especially when on vacation...

• I had not one single side effect from my myeloma medications. Zero fatigue, no colds, no dry or sore eyes... Nothing. I'm still pondering this one. Because we got back on a Thursday, I took 10 (yes TEN) Dex (40 mg), went straight to Huntsman for treatment from the airport, and then had mind-blowing fatigue on Friday and Saturday. On Saturday, I spend a good chunk of the day lying in bed, wimpering, somewhat sleeping, and totally miserable. My eyes were dry and I wanted to claw them out.
• Life is exhilarating, or it can be, even when you have debilitating illnesses. Someone recently asked how to combat depression, something many (most?) cancer survivors experience. My answer? Go skydiving. Or at least do something that brings you enormous joy, something totally outside of your comfort zone, something that makes you SCREAM. I did a lot of screaming when we took a boat under the falls in Iguazu. Like, I screamed in that crazy exhilarating I can't think of a single thing outside the moment SCREAM. Or, at least, adopt a dog or go for a walk. Get OUT. FIND JOY. Laugh. As often as you possible can.
• I missed my daughters like crazy. I just don't think I can take long trips without them again.
• If I hit the lottery, I'd live out of a suitcase permanently. When is the next trip? Oh, right, 2.5 weeks!
• It was awesome seeing my aunt and uncle in Uruguay and visiting the home my mother was born and raised in.

• And those are my random thoughts of the day. I pre-wrote and published many articles via Divorced Moms and Myeloma Crowd while I was away and I'll post a bunch of links shortly, probably tomorrow. Be well! Lizzy

Greetings from South America

So this will be a fast post because we are awaiting our transport to Iguazu Falls. Our trip has been fabulous. We left from Salt Lake on American Airlines to Dallas to Miami. AA is a horrible airline. We didn´t even get pretzels, not that I need horrible packets of peanuts and pretzels to declare an airline good. At 11pm in Miami, a major international section of the airport that was packed with travelers, the entire airport closed. There was one tiny coffee kiosk opened, that´s it. I couldn´t even purchase a toothbrush or magazine. Nonetheless we arrived in Buenos Aires on time, grabbed a taxi, and made it to my friend Stephanié´s apartment. I had not seen her for 19 years and it was like no time had passed. We took showers, went to lunch and it was amazing, walked around the neighborhood, and then sat on her deck talking until we were tired and needed to go to sleep. Day 2 we went to the Brazilian embassy, applied for our Visas, and found an exchenage place for money. It is really weird, major banks to exchange money, not even HSBC. We finally got directions in extremely broken English to walk two blocks up, two more blocks to the right, and look for a man on the street corner wearing a suit and no hair on his head. We did, we found a different kind of man, and he took us to a small area where we exchanged dollars for pesos at a far more favorable rate than the öfficial 8.5 pesos to the dollar. We got 13 pesos. How this is legal escapes me but it was interesting. We then got on a Hop On Hop Off bus and explored a cemetary where Evita Peron is buried, visited churches, museums, and walked almost 12 miles. We had an amazing dinner of tapas. Day 3 we went to Guacho Country, rode horses, and ate lunch. We sat around the most interesting, well traveled people. I always feel so boring compared to some of these people I meet on my travels. The British couple next to us were wrapping up a 2 month tour of Asia and South America. An American young couple next to us were spending two weeks in South America, going home for a few weeks, then going to Russia, Ukraine and China when they got back. Day 4 we flew from Buenos Aires to Iguazu, Argentina. We arrived early out our beautiful hotel in Iguazu, a beautiful tiny town just miles from the Falls entrance. We slept at the pool, then took a taxi to Paraguay, where we experienced horrific traffic that I haven´t seen since hanging out at the Tijuana border crossing. Ciudad del Este, Paraguay is a sprawling, filthy city but the experience was amazing. Today we are heading to the Arentinian side of the Falls. Stay tuned! I must run but will post photos later. Vacations are an amazing respite from life. I highly recommend them. Hard to believe that once we get home, just a few weeks later and we are heading out to Central America. Life is about living, life is now. Why not? Cheers, dearest readers, Lizzy

Life is normal. Until it's not.

Last week, my good friend "Zoe" went to work, came home, fed the kids, cleaned the house a bit, got in an argument with her hubby and went to bed. The next day, her stomach was hurting something awful. She went to the ER and was admitted. She had a huge mass on her ovary, was running a fever, and her blood work came back positive for the gene that expresses with ovarian cancer. She got her official diagnosis that very night. Next up were more tests the next day to find out the type, staging, and best course of treatment.

The next day, she got her PT-scan and was transferred to a cancer hospital via ambulance. A biopsy ensued, which came back inconclusive. A reason to celebrate? Not so fast... Chemo was starting up the next day.

Last night, I got a text from our mutual friend. Zoe was not doing well, was heading into emergency surgery. The cancer had eaten away a huge part of her bowels and there was an enormous mass. They brought her to full consciousness just long enough to ask her if she was a "Do Not Resuscitate" and, if she was, she needed to sign paper work. She said no. They put her back under for surgery. Her odds of making it through surgery ok were about 50-50. How can this be possible? Just days before, she was a normal person with a normal life, cancer and big changes not even on the horizon! But it was true, all to horrible, awfully true.

My friend and I cried. She was at the hospital; I was too far away to be there. At 2:15 AM I got a text. Zoe was still in surgery but the doctor had come out to talk to the family. Zoe was doing really well. They took out a huge part of her bowel and she was getting a full colostomy. They had also removed her cancerous tumor. She would have two bags for the rest of her life due to the colostomy but by the end of surgery, she would be alive. After recovery, she would need to start chemo for her primary ovarian cancer. Not an easy road but fighting (and winning) was now possible. At 2:15 AM after reading the text, I sat up and bed and cried. A mixture of hatred towards cancer, and thanking God for letting her live so she could fight like hell, get well, and get back to the business of life.

And the lesson learned through all of this? Life is normal. Until it's not. And when that moment comes is anyone's guess. The banality of bad news. Life changing events rarely come with warnings. We are doing life's ordinary stuff when everything changes in one instant. You know, we're walking the dog, putting dishes away, going through emails at work, sleeping... And life as we know it ends. Just like that. No fanfare. And how do we cope? Who knows.

And that's why I've learned to live. Live BIG and GRAND as often as I can. As often as my health and treatments allow, and responsibilities to children, self, family and loved ones.

And I pray and hope for Zoe. One more warrior to cheer on. Please, God, let her be ok.

Want to lose your spousal support? Have your boyfriend move in! Even if you (try) to be sneaky, this one can be a killer

My latest story via Divorced Moms. True story, so ladies (and men, if you fall into this category): Be Ware. While I'm in Argentina, I've picked a few of my most popular blog posts and edited them for Divorced Moms. They all have to do with true stories of my life with an alcoholic. So tomorrow I depart. So excited. Until I'm back, be well, strong, and happy.

Love, Lizzy

A Fast Way To Lose Your Spousal Support: Live With Your Boyfriend
by Lizzy Smith                    

March 01, 2015

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Guess what ladies? If you are receiving spousal support and your boyfriend moves in with you, there is a very good chance that your ex can go to court and have the dollar amount you're receiving drastically reduced or stopped altogether. So if you are cohabitating in a mutually-exclusive, sexual relationship, just know that it's a very real possibility.

Which brings me to my own story of when my then-husband hired a private investigator to spy on his ex-wife.

One thing that really got under Rob's skin was the spousal support he was paying to his ex-wife. When Rob's youngest daughter decided she would no longer live with us because Rob refused to stop drinking around her and it was obvious that his child support would be increasing, we consulted with an attorney. When that attorney saw what Rob was paying in spousal support, he was gravely concerned. He told Rob that he wouldn't want to risk going to court to revisit anything because a judge would likely increase her spousal support significantly. He didn't think that Rob was paying nearly enough to his ex wife as it was. He was sick about the amount of money he was shelling out each month. He thought she should get a better job and stop being such a sponge on him.

Rob kept telling me that the second his ex remarried or started living with someone, he would file to have spousal support stopped.

One day I was at work and I got a phone call from Rob. He was positively giddy. "Guess what?" he said. He could hardly contain himself. "She has a new boyfriend and she moved him into her house!"

"Really? How do you know?" I asked.

His oldest daughter told him. "Whoohooo, baby, I'm filing papers to stop spousal support. Oh yeah!" He was literally whooping and hollering.

So Rob hired an attorney. At one of those meetings, I got a call from the two of them. "We need to hire a private investigator to stake out her house to prove her boyfriend is living with her."

"No," I said emphatically. "How much is that going to cost?"

The attorney thought about $2,500. "It will take a year or more to recoup the costs, if a judge cancels support, of the private investigator, attorney fees, and court costs. I say no. Would she really lie about her boyfriend living in her home?"

"Hell yes!" Rob said. "She'll lie about anything to get my money!"

"I say no," I repeated. But I was already so completely tired of Rob blaming me for anything and everything that went awry with his kids or ex-wife that I knew better than making that final decision. "But do whatever you need to do."

And so Rob hired a private investigator and shelled out $2,500 to get photos of the boyfriend taking trash out to the dumpster, opening the garage door, and leaving his car parked outside the home over night.

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