It's the "official" summer kick-off weekend! My biggest advice? Wear sunscreen!!!

My latest via Divorced Moms. It's all about sunscreen and it's really super important, especially for the cancer patient. Those cancer drugs can make is incredibly sun-sensitive and a sunburn can cause incredibly dangerous side-effects than can even mimic graft-vs-host disease. This is no laughing matter. So before you head out for the day, put that sunscreen on. Wear a hat and a great pair of sunglasses. (BTW: hats and sunglasses are literally my favorite fashion accessories these days, maybe even more than a handbag. So have fun with it!)

It's The Start of Summer! Now Stay (Sun) Safe With These Tips
by Lizzy Smith for Divorced Moms                    

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May 28, 2016

Standing above Lake Nicaragua, about a two hour drive from Grenada. It was so hot and humid. Considering it was freezing cold back home in Utah and I had spent 25 days without leaving my hospital room, I was in heaven. The heat and fresh air was a Godsend. It was healing-- mentally, physically and emotionally. Dang I deserved this trip!

I recently came across a shocking study from the Journal of the American Academy of Dermatology’s:  most Americans do not know how to properly apply sunscreen. You can read it here.  Even those with a history of skin cancer are not as savvy as one might think.

Ok, I guess I am a bit guilty of this, too. While I'm really committed to putting sunscreen on often, I sometimes forget about my children. When we were in Costa Rica and Nicaragua several weeks ago, my 16-year old wanted to get a good tan. I argued with her incessantly about putting on enough sunscreen. She did, but after awhile, I gave up and let her be responsible. She came home looking like a leper. She was peeling on her face and she looked frightening. She was self-conscious about it, too. Thank goodness we had three days before she had to return to school and the worst of it was over. Still, we both learned a lesson-- applying sunscreen properly and often was not debatable.
However you look at it, getting a sunburn is bad. It's bad for the skin, good for skin cancer, and it hurts. Avoid this at all cost.

A few summers ago, I went on vacation to Washington, DC and it was literally 105 degrees, sunny and humid. I never left my hotel room without a hat on my head and an umbrella. I also reapplied sunscreen multiple times throughout the day. I remember one afternoon standing an hour outside on a hot sidewalk under the blazing sun waiting to get into the National Archives. I purchased that small umbrella from a street vendor and it was a lifesaver! I carried it with me during the rest of the trip and, these days, if I know I'm going to be walking in the sun, an umbrella is in my backpack ready to be used at a moment's notice.

In summary, make sure you get outdoors and enjoy the weather (this is good for you!) but stay in the shade and perhaps do your outdoor activities in the mornings or evenings when the sun is at its weakest. Also, consider wearing protective clothing, like swimsuits with rash-guards, hats, sunglasses and tops with sleeves. And never leave the house or hotel room without properly sunscreening.

Benefits of sun exposure
There are numerous benefits to some sun exposure. First, we get fresh “real” vitamin D. The warmth and light of the sun is also a natural mood booster. (Got depression? Get outdoors, get some natural sunlight, and see if you don't feel a bit better "that fast.") Personally, I am a big fan of summer for these reasons. I love going for walks and hikes, hanging out poolside or at the beach with my kids, and reading a good book on my deck. But… I also use precautions. Gone are the days that I visit tanning salons (I cannot believe I used to do this regularly), use baby oil as a sun enhancer, and spend hours laying out during maximum sun intensity (typically between 11A-2P). I used to go on beach-type vacations and pretty much ruin them because my number one priority was making sure I went home with a Big Huge Impressive Tan instead of doing fun stuff. Dear Lord, how dumb. These days, I nearly always wear a hat, sit under an umbrella or in the shade, don sunglasses that block out UVA and UVB rays, and apply sunscreen liberally. I still manage to get tan but I can’t tell you the last time I burned (or even got pink). Hooray!

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Adults who throw epic temper-tantrums. It's a mental disorder. Can it be fixed?

Early this morning, I came across this article on CBS New York. I post it below in its entirety because I know that there are many of my readers who are suffering in abusive marriages that include the bizarre adult tempter-tantrum. You'd think this ends around the age of four or five when children better develop their language skills. Throwing themselves on the ground, screaming, putting holes in walls, or worse, are done. But they're too often not-- some adults continue this pattern at the horror of those privy to watch it. And there's nothing cute or funny about it. It is scary, volatile, and dangerous. Many women (and men) are paralyzed to leave their husband, or desperately wanting to but fear and other factors keep them staying. Some have left men like this but continue to be bullied, harassed and abused. And they can still find themselves victimized by the adult temper-tantrum.


My former marriage was as described. Four years later and remarried to a man who never yells or screams at me (or anyone else, for that matter), I nonetheless will experience flashbacks from my prior life. Sometimes I have nightmares. And when that happens, I feel those raw emotions of anger and sadness surface. I have a sign above my rearview mirror that reads: "This is God. I will be handling all your problems today." I read it many times per day and it reminds me that I am not capable of handling all the curveballs thrown my way without His help. I then turn things over to Him. "I can't deal with this today," I say. "You take this one." And I am able to feel peace, calm, and love.

Anyway, for my readers who contact me and share their pain and duress, this is for you. Maybe it will give you hope, empathy, and understanding, too. Now what to do with it is another story.

Much love,

Lizzy

Adults Throwing Temper Tantrums

NEW YORK (CBSNewYork) — People usually associate temper-tantrums with children, but adults are being caught now pitching a fit.

CBS2’s Dick Brennan reported that more and more adults are being caught on tape throwing temper-tantrums. They kick, scream, fall to the floor, and throw things — and it doesn’t take much to set them off.

Adults throwing tantrums are also being caught on video thanks to today’s technology. But could there be something more going on?

“Most of us are able to get angry, and express our frustration in a constructive way,” therapist Diane Kolodzinski said.

But for others, Kolodzinski said something as simple as spilled milk is literally enough to send them over the edge.

“They go zero to 100 really fast,” she said. These adults who throw these temper-tantrums could be suffering from a condition called intermittent explosive disorder.

“The people who have this disorder cause a lot of suffering,” Dr. Igor Galynker, a psychiatrist, said. “They themselves suffer, and they make a lot of other people suffer when these people are subject to aggression.”

Galynker said as many as one in 20 people now suffer from the disorder.

“A person who has intermittent explosive disorder feel they don’t have control,” Galynker explained.
Experts said what differentiates the disorder from a bad temper is the disproportionate response.

“Yelling, screaming, throwing things, hitting the wall,” Kolodzinski detailed. “They could hit the other person or push them.”

Cursing at someone who cuts you off while driving is pretty typical, but chasing the car down and ramming it could be the behavior of someone suffering from the disorder.

One man, who started a vlog about living with the disorder, said he was relieved to finally find out the root of his overreactions, and even more comforted to learn it’s treatable.

“When I got a grip on the illness, I started to work hard to do something about it,” he said.

Experts said treatment typically includes therapy and learning techniques to self-soothe.

“There is definitely hope out there and help out there, if you reach out,” Kolodzinski said.

Experts said those with the disorder may also experience a sense of relief after an episode, followed by remorse or embarrassment.

To view the complete article, click here.

Got kids? Travel with them! My list of child-friendly trips to fit most any budget

I love nothing more than traveling. (Have I said this already?) And now that my daughters are heading into summer break (hooray!) it's time to start making plans. In the meantime, here are some of my favorite trips to take with your kids. My latest via Divorced Moms.

10 Fabulous Trips To Take With Your Children
by Lizzy Smith                    

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May 20, 2016

Here we are in Lugano, Switzerland! It was so beautiful.

When I received a cancer diagnosis in January 2012, it was a life changing moment. In an instant, things were never the same for me. In many respects, this was good. Pre-diagnosis, my life was a disaster and I was desperately unhappy. I spent way too much time commuting to work, buying stuff I didn’t want or need, putting up with an extremely abusive spouse, and focusing on the inconsequential. Fast forward a year later. I had survived treatment and it was time to rebuild my life and live it with passion. I decided to live BIG and GRAND, create memories, and have fun. As part of that new mantra, I became obsessed with traveling and taking my daughters with me.

To shake things up, I try to plan four trips per year: 1) somewhere in our state (Utah), 2) a state we have never visited, 3) a national park, and 4) a foreign country. On these trips, it is imperative that we learn something new, eat a different food, and have fun. Oh, right-- and get some rest. So far, my favorite cities in the world are Moscow, London and Buenos Aires. My favorite state to explore is Utah. The most awesome fashion and shopping is Milan. The best food is in New Orleans. A place I’ve never wanted to leave was Lake Como (Italy). The best snorkeling is Belize. The most incredible museum is The Hermitage in St. Petersburg, Russia. But this could all change because I’m not done exploring.

When it comes to traveling with children, though, there are some really terrific kid-friendly options that I highly recommend. So if a trip is in your budget, here are my favorites to take children of most any age:

1. A cruise

Pretty much any cruise is a terrific option for kids. The ships all have kid’s clubs where you can drop your children off for large chunks of the day. I never let my kids go to their clubs while the ship was in port, but you could. Plus, with unending food 24 hours per day, you never need to worry about feeding them. You can find a cruise to fit almost any budget. I personally love Europe and exploring via a cruise ship made this possible and easy with kids in tow.

2. Jackson, Wyoming and Yellowstone National Park
Jackson is an amazingly fun and beautiful place to visit. The town is charming, and there are endless things to do, like rafting, horseback riding, and hiking. Plus you’re not far from the entrance to Yellowstone National Park, a place that should be on everyone’s Bucket List. I took my kids on this road trip when they were ages four and nine and they absolutely loved everything about it. We saw tons of wildlife, Old Faithful, drank Mulberry Milkshakes, and took trams up the mountains for the best hiking trails. Depending on the time of year you go, hotels super expensive and sell-out quickly. So either plan ahead or consider staying in nearby Victor or Grand Targhee (Idaho).

3. Washington, DC
What makes Washington, DC rock is that many of the attractions, museums and monuments are FREE. This makes a visit to our nation’s capital somewhat affordable. I took my daughters when they were ages seven and 12 and they also learned a lot. My youngest daughter still talks about visiting the place where President Lincoln was shot and where he died. We visited all the main monuments, Mt Vernon (Washington’s home), the U.S Capitol and Supreme Court, Library of Congress, Arlington National Cemetery, the National Archives and several of the museums that make up the Smithsonian. Nearly all of them were free or just a few dollars. We sat outside at the Iwo Jima Memorial and watched spectacular 4^th of July fireworks. We also rented a car and drove to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania (a very quaint town) for a private tour of the battlefield. We stayed in a hotel near Georgetown where we could walk to many sites or take the metro. Washington, DC is definitely a “must visit.”

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Here's how to FIGHT for your mental sanity

I've experienced some of the toughest curveballs that life can throw you. Here are 10 really dumb things to do when you're under duress. My latest via Divorced Moms column.

10 of the Dumbest Things You Can Do When Life Gets Tough
By Lizzy Smith
                    

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May 16, 2016

Life can be really super tough at times. A friend of mine is going through some really horrible things in her life. She is struggling with just getting out of bed in the mornings. This is one of the worse things she can do right now-- become sedentary and isolated.
Last week, I was in the midst of anxiety myself. I wanted to find medication to make it go away. Instead, I went to the salon and bleached my hair. I looked at myself and I was a new person! The visual imagery was a huge ego boost. I felt more confident and some of my anxiety waned.
 
Me before hair. After chemo, I lost all my hair and wore a wig. But I'm done with that and it's just me and the short, grey hair. I felt like an old lady. The next day, I got it bleached. I felt like a whole new person-- edgy, fun, strong and bad-ass.

The next day, I went for a walk/run. I am still very weak from some wicked chemo back in November and December and I am fighting to get stronger. On this run/walk, I felt fantastic. I pushed myself harder than I have in months and instead of wanting to whimper, I felt strong and empowered. Was it the new hair that gave me strength? Maybe.

Anyway, I sent my struggling friend an email pep talk with some tips on how I have coped with some really stressful events in my life, which include a horrific divorce and cancer. They work surprisingly well. Here are, according to Lizzy Smith, the 10 worse things you can do when life gets tough:

1 Get inadequate sleep
Getting the proper amount of sleep is essential for your mental and physical strength. If you’re getting too much or too little, that’s not good. Too much sleep can be a sign of depression or a whole host of physical ailments. Too little sleep can leave you irritated, sick, and prone to making really bad decisions. To aid in getting proper sleep, make your bedroom conducive to rest. This means make sure it gets dark enough (buy room-darkening shades if you must), and you have a comfortable place to sleep. Other ways to make your bedroom a peaceful place is to clean it up, put fresh linens on your bed, and diffuse essential oils that are calming to the senses (lavender is my favorite). I also love a good hot bath before bedtime because it helps make me sleepy.

2 Isolate yourself
It is tempting to throw a (solo) pity party when life goes awry. But the less you fall into this behavior, the better. Go out with friends, walk a dog, volunteer at your child’s school, join an exercise class (like yoga)... Whatever you do, get out of the house and interact with others.

3 Let yourself go (physically)
When I look awful, I feel awful, too. Make an effort to get out of bed, take a shower, put on clean clothes that are flattering, and do something with your hair. For a terrific pick-me-up, try a new hairstyle or color. Visit a makeup counter and learn some new makeup techniques. Buy a new perfume and use it. If it fits the budget, engage in some retail therapy. But a new outfit outside your comfort zone. Bright, bold colors lift the spirit so if you need to start with small steps, try a new color on your toenails and get braver from there.

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Mormon girls need the protection of Priesthood holders? At an overnight camp? Eeeew

Today I'm still annoyed over an exchange I had with a woman in the Mormon church (who on a personal level I really like). She sent around a request asking Priesthood holders to sign-up for overnight stays at the Young Women's campout. For those of you not familiar with the Mormon church, each summer the Young Women's group goes for a 5-7 day camp-out. The camp the girls head off to in our neck of the woods is near Midway, Utah. It is quite a compound with security (non-paid Mormon missionaries, typically), nice cabins and showers, and cooking facilities. And apparently, at least two men who hold the Priesthood (as young as 12 year old boys, mind you, have the Priesthood in the Mormon church) must be at the camp 24-7. For why? Let's find out! Here's my email exchange with "Molly."

ME: Can you clarify that the boys coming to girls camp or men being invited to girls camp... For real? I'm kind of frightened. Actually, it's ok, my daughter is opting out of this camp. Are moms required to be at Scout Camp too? I'm totally not ok with this and am disturbed that grown men are sleeping at an all girls camp out. If this were co-ed, totally different story. Sorry! Please pass my comments to the [all-male hierarchy]. I can't imagine I'm the only one who feels this way!

MOLLY: Hi Lizzy, we will miss your daughter but totally understand. I will pass this on. All of the Young Women's leaders will be there, which this year consists of almost as many women leaders as young women. I can totally appreciate your concerns about having men in an all girls camp. A few years ago near the Heber Camp there was a huge group of nudists in the are so, for me, I'm happy to have some added security. The men do sleep completely away from the girls in their own tents while the girls sleep in the cabins. Thanks for letting me know your concerns. I'll also address them with our YW Presidency.

ME: If there are problems, proper security should be hired. And as a mom, I'd be happy to carry a gun. I think the "male requirement" is highly inappropriate. Besides why aren't moms at Scouts Camp? That aside, I appreciate all your efforts. I think there is far more danger of men sleeping near girls than nudists, personally. Plus, I think it sends a message that girls can't take care of themselves, even when they're adults. Thanks for listening.

Ok, here are my biggest issues:

- Note that they weren't asking for STRONG MEN to take care of the girls and women at the camp-- they were asking for PRIESTHOOD HOLDERS. So either there is an assumption that Priesthood Holders are all awesome and the other men aren't OR there needs to be spiritual guidance of men over girls at a campout. Either way, messed up.

- I think it is FAR more likely that a man and a teen girl might make a "connection" and sneak off into the woods than a bunch of nudists making it to camp, running around naked, and raping/murdering helpless women. AND if this is truly a concern, why is there not armed security? And why would I send my daughter somewhere so dangerous?

- Why are women not equally invited to an all boys' campout?

-Are women and girls really free to be open, honest, and themselves when they know men are lurking?

-What are we teaching women and girls about their own spiritual authority and their own ability to take care of themselves?


Oh my gosh, the Mormon church has SUCH a long way to go when it comes to its patronizing, condescending attitude towards the female gender. It's seriously disturbing. (And don't you just love the Disney princess-type themes above? Seriously, how old are these girls that head off to Camp? I'll tell you: between 14-18. My 16-year old was "over" the princess-thing at about 8 years old.)

Lastly, as a side note, I took my 10-year old to get her hair trimmed up. As I was talking to the young stylist, she mentioned that she wanted to go on a mission for the Mormon church next summer. I asked her why girls served just 18-month missions while the boys served two solid years. I wanted to know what the new generation was being taught. Expectedly, she said, "Well, the church wants the girls to come home earlier so they have the opportunity to get married."

I bit my tongue. I wanted to SCREAM, "Really? At age 20? What's the RUSH? And if you don't come home early from a mission, you might not have the 'opportunity' to get married? At, what, still child-bride status?" YES, the boys and girls are still being fed this shit that getting married super duper young is a fabulous idea. I "get" why the church teaches this-- get them married young before they have a chance to (basically) potty train and, BETTER YET, get them pregnant right away, too, (after getting married in the Mormon temple). This way, the church has a better chance of keeping these very young people so devoted to the church, so engrained, so unable to make true choices and mature, that the chances of them leaving the church are tiny. And they'll likely raise their generation the same way. Those tithing dollars (mostly spent on lavish buildings that are closed 97 percent of the time) and donated hours keep rolling in. All at the expense of our children.

I think my head might explode if I say more so I'll leave it here.

Lizzy

Jenny Ahlstrom & Lizzy Smith are featured in The Daily Herald - Let's CURE myeloma!

Jenny and I were the COVER story in The Daily Herald talking about our fight to beat myeloma AND to help find a cure. Read on. Now let's get to work!

Myeloma patients in Utah take curing cancer in their own hands

Braley Dodson Daily Herald - May 6, 2016    

 

Michelle Clough, RN, administers a chemotherapy injection to treat Lizzy Smith's multiple myeloma on Thursday, May 5, 2016 at American Fork High School. photo taken by SPENCER HEAPS, Daily Herald
 

Researchers haven’t cured myeloma yet, so local patients are taking the task of
finding a cure into their own hands.                            

Myeloma is a plasma cell cancer that begins in the bone marrow. Most people who are diagnosed with myeloma are over the age of 50, men are more likely to be diagnosed than women and blacks have almost twice the chance of acquiring myeloma, according to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.

 

“The goal is to have patients involved in accelerating their own cure,” said Jenny Ahlstrom, the founder of Myeloma Crowd, a website providing information, support and resources that is part of the Lehi-based Crowdcare Foundation. “Most of the time you sit back and a doctor says you can have this treatment or this treatment.”

 

“The goal is to have patients involved in accelerating their own cure,” said Jenny Ahlstrom, the founder of Myeloma Crowd, a website providing information, support and resources that is part of the Lehi-based Crowdcare Foundation. “Most of the time you sit back and a doctor says you can have this treatment or this treatment.”

At 48, Lehi mom Lizzy Smith isn’t the typical myeloma patient. “When I was first diagnosed diagnosed, I didn’t even know what myeloma was,” she said.
 

After being diagnosed in 2012, she moved from San Diego to Utah to receive treatment. Until she met Ahlstrom on Twitter and got involved in Myeloma Crowd, she thought she was the only female in Utah around her age that had myeloma.

“It’s really overwhelming when you’re not feeling well and you don’t understand your disease,” Smiths aid. “It’s like drinking from a water hose, but it’s so important to know something about your disease.”

Because everyone’s myeloma is different, they said patients should educate themselves on their type of myeloma and have a plan for when they relapse, something that almost every myeloma patient will experience.

“A lot of people just put their head in the sand and say, 'I don’t want to know, I’ll figure out when it happens,'” Ahlstrom said.
 

Smith relapsed about a year ago, but is in remission again. Ahlstrom, who was diagnosed in 2010, has yet to relapse.

For patients that want to get involved in medical trials, it’s often difficult to get understand the medical jargon explaining the the research, so Ahlstrom sits down with the researchers and has them explain the trials in patient-friendly language. The explanations are then posted on myelomacrowd.org. As part of its research initiative, the group also crowdfunded $187,000 to fund two medical trials for immunotherapy treatments, something that’s not usually likely to receive funding.

"We are sharing information, we are funding research, we are really moving the bar for our disease," Ahlstrom said.

For those recently diagnosed with myeloma, they recommend seeking out a specialist and for the patient to educate themselves about the type of myeloma they have, since patients typically have multiple types of multiple myeloma in their blood.

This Saturday, Myeloma Crowd will host a roundtable from 9 a.m. to 4:30 p.,. at the DoubleTree Suites, located at 110 W. 600 S. in Salt Lake City, to educate patients and caretakers on myeloma and treatment options. Time will be dedicated for questions. Registration begins at 8 a.,. and costs $25.

 -------------visit www.myelomacrowd.org 

For the full article, click here.

Consent, rape & reporting. The conversations we must be having with our children

My latest via Divorced Moms. A critically important topic, whether we have sons or daughters.

I Was Raped & Never Told. Who Would Believe Me?
by Lizzy Smith for Divorced Moms                    

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May 12, 2016

During my freshman year in college, a friend, “Suzie,” went out on a date with a fellow student, “Joe,” that she recently met. They drank a little, drove up into the canyon, started making out… And then Joe forcibly raped her. Suzie came back to our dorm visibly shaken, with bruises showing up on her arms a few days later.

“Joe raped me,” she told me in the middle of the night. I stayed up with her while she went from crying, to silence, to rage. As an 18-year old totally unprepared for sex and what it meant (I was still a virgin with limited experience), I did not encourage her to report the crime. I wasn’t even sure if it was possible to be raped by a date. After all, I thought that rape was a crime committed by strangers, at knifepoint, under the threat of physical harm. Dates didn’t rape you, especially if the girl put herself in a position that enabled it.

The next day, Joe called Suzie and she went out with him again. This time, the sex was consensual. Over the next year, Suzie and Joe had a drama-filled relationship until summer break when we all went home and Joe transferred to another university. Suzie’s rape was forgotten. During the remainder of our college years together, I witnessed Suzie go from an innocent virgin to a very promiscuous girl. What role did Joe play in her future decisions and beliefs about sex, her body, and her self-worth? Likely, quite a lot. We both grew up in religions that taught us that sex was for marriage only, that it was better to die defending our virtue than allowing ourselves to be raped, that once given (virginity) we could never get it back, and that our dress and physical appearance could contribute to boys’ lusts and behavior. That is quite a burden to carry, I assure you.

A few weeks ago, Suzie and I were talking about sex among high school and college students. She reminded me that her first sexual encounter was at the age of 18 and it was rape.

“Why didn’t you report it?” I asked her.

“Who would have believed me?” she asked.

I wanted to cry. “Why didn’t I encourage you to report it?” I asked.

“I have always believed that I am responsible for the things that happen to me. I should not have been drinking. I should not have gone up into the canyon with Joe. I led him on, I went too far. Part of that was my fault,” she said.

“No, Suzie, rape is not your fault. You had a right to say no at any time and be heard. And you had a right to report it. It was a crime,” I said. And, left unsaid, as a friend, I failed you.

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I did it! Rockin' the short 'do

Why does hair matter so much? It does, though. And the biggest struggle (besides fighting for my life and confronting my mortality head-on) has been hair loss. The first time I lost my hair, I ALWAYS wore a wig. This time around, I pitched the wig far earlier in my hair re-growth. But every time I look in the mirror, I see a woman who is/was SICK. That short hair represented cancer and chemo and treatment. Illness. Close to death's door. Today, I bleached my hair. If I'm going to have short hair, I'm going to OWN IT and ROCK IT.

 

 

I have to admit, there are times that I look in the mirror and I am terrified by what I see. It is a reminder that life is not normal, that I am not the same, that I am broken. And I HATE IT. What cancer does is it robs you of your sanity. Every time I sneeze or get a bruise or my shoulders hurt, I think "Does this mean something BIG and BAD?"

...And then I talk myself off a cliff. Breathe. I am alive. I will WIN. I will OVERCOME. And I will LIVE every day as if this is all I have. Because maybe today is my last. And, really, perhaps it's your last, my dear reader. None of us ever know. Because life is normal, until it's not. And when that day comes is anyone's guess.

So today, rock on, warrior.

How to teach our children to love their bodies

Here's a fabulous article from my favorite guest writer. I'm dealing with trying to parent my daughters through the tough teen and tween years. Developing a positive body image is part of that and it is HARD. Here, Chris offers up an important, wise and timely article, from a guy's perspective.

From A Guy's Perspective: Body Image Issues & Good Parenting
by Lizzy Smith and Chris                    

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May 09, 2016

My favorite guy guest-writer opines about one of my favorite topics du jour: body issues and how to deal with it as parents. Chris is wise and hearing from the male side of the aisle is always interesting and helpful. And on this one, Chris does not disappoint.

The Unmanageable Body Imageby Chris, guest blogger

Many of us struggle our entire lives with body-image issues, mostly involving shame, embarrassment, or simply wishing contrary to fact and reason that some feature was different. How, as parents, can we hope to give our children enthusiasm, take away the hurtful words of peers, or simply ignore or suppress these feelings, when we continue to make the same kinds of judgments about ourselves, and we give credit to the judgments expressed by others?

A child’s feelings can be as fragile as a moth’s wings

Feelings of some diminishment of self-worth based on visual appearance and comparison to others are near universal. They aren’t universal. There are people who care nothing about their own appearance or what others’ judgments may be about their appearance. They’re the exception, maybe an enviable one, but not part of my own experience as a person or as a parent. I also can’t deal, within a few printed words, with manifestations of self-doubt that take the form or harmful behaviors like self-mutilation, such as cutting, or eating disorders that can destroy health. If a behavior based in body self-image is getting in the way of not just enjoyment of life but also getting in the way of doing the things we need to do to be productive and social people, then professional intervention is called for.

As a parent, the key is probably to model the behavior we want to see in our children, and to seek professional help if these negative thoughts begin to get in the way of the rest of life.

The challenge is that as adults we’re often continuing to harbor our own self-doubts. It should come as no surprise then that our children are unlikely to confide in us their own doubts about themselves. I remember at age five looking in the mirror, being upset with what I saw, and telling my mother that my head was too big. It seems completely silly today, but at age five, it was a personal crisis. Ultimately, and likely very quickly, I got over that worry and grew a body that fit my head in more pleasing proportion, and probably never again mentioned to my mother any dissatisfaction with my physical body. So my concerns ended there? No, not even close, but I began to learn acceptance. I grew up with two parents in the house, and I’m sure that I never mentioned anything like that to my father. He would have considered anything short of a compound fracture (broken bone protruding from the skin) to be frivolous.

How do we help our children become comfortable not just in their own skins, but with their own skins?

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Setting boundaries: Sticking up for ourselves is a really good idea

Oh, heart be still. This is one topic I am beyond passionate about-- setting boundaries! This holds true for all relationships in our lives-- human or otherwise. Because if we put up with horrible behavior, or behavior that hurts us, we pay a huge price for it. My latest via Divorced Moms.

Ready To End Up With A Jerk? Let Him Treat You Like Shit
by Lizzy Smith                    

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May 06, 2016

Tonight, I am horrified. I just spoke with a friend, “Dana” at a support group. Here was her question:

 

“I’m dating this guy that I’m super into. He is dating and sleeping with other women and has told me this. This really hurts and I’ve tried to be ok with it but I’m not. It really hurts. Am I being selfish for wanting monogamy?”

 

I almost fell out of my chair. And then I REALLY almost fell out of my chair when I heard others in the support group hem and haw. Many of the comments were a variation of “maybe.”

 

Are you fucking kidding me? I wanted to scream. But I thought better of it. Instead, I tried to be somewhat civil but I apparently came on too strong. I told her that…

• You are NOT being selfish EVER for expecting a guy to treat you well.
• If a relationship hurts, you (EVERYONE) should RUN and NEVER look back. That is true for a guy one is dating, a friend, an employer, neighbors, a religion… Because relationships that hurt are abusive.
• You should set high standards and boundaries and know that if those people (or entities) in your life violates them, hanging around is a really bad idea.
• You owe no one apologies for sticking up for yourself.
• You should trust your instincts and not be afraid to act on them.
• If he’s sleeping with other women, he’s just not that into you. Because if he was, he wouldn’t be out there looking for better. (I mean, if that’s ok with her, she either has super low self-esteem to put up with this or then she’s not “that into him” either.)
• Expecting monogamy is not all that high a standard to expect. (Sure, initially, if one sleeps with a guy super fast, you can't expect monogamy. But if you've been dating for awhile and he's still sleeping with others and not even making an effort to hide it from you, that says a lot for where he thinks your relationship is heading. If you're totally hip with that, proceed. But then again, why are you in a support group?)

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Here's what I learned from joining Muscles for Myeloma (Thanks for the opportunity, Myeloma Crowd!)

My latest via Myeloma Crowd. Enjoy!

Muscles for Myeloma – Here’s What I Learned
BY LIZZY SMITH

 

On Saturday, Salt Lake City’s Muscles for Myeloma Team participated in a 5k. It was a beautiful day and I finished the race! I started off with thousands of others and thought… what if I try to run this thing? I did. And then I walked. For me, it ended up being a run-walk combo. Before getting multiple myeloma, I ran five miles a day. So not being able to run three miles without walking was disappointing. Did I deserve the medal they were handing out post-race? The answer was YES! For heaven’s sake, I completed my third stem cell transplant (yes, THREE) just a few months ago. I was moving and improving, hooray for all of us who do our best. I may still be weak but each day, I’m getting stronger. One day at a time, one step at a time.

 

Leading up to Saturday’s race was about two months of Muscles for Myeloma where I joined my fellow myeloma warriors and supporters from around the country as we vowed to get moving and get fit. Since I was eight weeks from getting discharged from the hospital, just getting to the fitness center was a big goal for me. But I did it most every day, walking the track with my dad, then going to Florida and walking along the beach with my husband. And as the weather improved, power walking through the tulips at the lovely Thanksgiving Point gardens nearby.

 

On Friday night (the day prior to the race), I hosted dinner at my house for our Muscles for Myeloma team, neighbors, and family. It was fabulous getting together with people I love and admire.

 

Here’s what I learned from this experience:

• Local businesses rock! Over the past month, I stopped by restaurants, carwashes and bakeries and asked for donations to use as door prizes at my dinner. I was so touched by their generosity. I gathered up some 45 gift cards and more from the likes of: Harley Davidson Timpanogos in Lindon (they donated a backpack stuffed with goodies), Paradise Bakery (100 cookies for the buffet table), Kneaders, Cubby’s, Mr Hotshine Carwash, Avenue Bakery in American Fork, Culvers and Zaxby’s.  
• Small donations add up. Every person who came to my dinner Friday night made a monetary donation, which totaled over $500 that went straight to the Myeloma Crowd Research Initiative (www.myelomacrowd.org/mcri). These funds are supporting two important clinical trials that just may be our cure!
• “By the yard it’s hard, but by the inch it’s a cinch.” This is one of my dad’s favorite sayings and it is true! Even if you’re not feeling strong or well, try to get a little exercise every day. When I started out, a mile was HARD! But I am improving and can easily walk/run over three miles. I will continue my quest to do a little more and be a little better every day (or at least most days).
• Myeloma warriors are amazing people (and so are those that support us). Cancer is really horrible, but cancer survivors are amazing and I am blessed to meet so many new friends who inspire me.
• Empowerment is possible. Even as a cancer survivor, feeling powerful is possible. I feel it every time I exercise, or raise funds for myeloma research, or learn more about my disease so I’m better able to defeat it. I am not one to sit on the sidelines, I need to do something! And getting involved with the Myeloma Crowd gives me a purpose in life.
• Life can still be awesome, even if one has cancer. I live life in ways that I never did when I was healthy. Each day is a blessing. Each bit of good news is something I celebrate. And as new drugs are approved, new combos are tested, and progress is made, I feel hope.

While the initial Muscles for Myeloma campaign has ended, the program is staying open indefinitely due to popular demand. We have some myeloma friends who are joining summer and fall events and have suggested that fitness is never over. We agree! So far, we’ve raised over $20,000 for the MCRI! Now before we rest on our laurels, let’s keep moving. Let’s keep focused on staying as healthy as possible, combating this disease each day, and finding strength and hope through each other.

 

And if you want to donate, click on my page! Your deduction is tax deductible and will help us CURE Myeloma. The MCRI is funding two clinical trials that may be curative and they are happening now! I promise, it is NOT going into the BIG BLACK hole called "cancer research." You can track this one! Thank you, my dearest supporters.

Read the original article here.

Shaming A Rape Victim. Nice Job BYU!

I have become more passionate about women's issues than ever since moving to Utah. The Mormon church, I gotta say, has a DISMAL record when it comes to teaching power, strength and resilience among its female members who shoulder most of the responsibility for keeping themselves and the boys chaste. When it comes to sex, it teaches all kinds of messed up and horrifying messages about shame, guilt, and blame. Recently, BYU is getting tons of negative press about an rape incident, which I write about in my latest Divorced Moms column. And they deserve the press they are getting. How ANYONE can defend blaming a victim for her own rape and then seek to punish her is beyond me. And Mormon defenders of BYU are coming out in droves in blaming the victim. While the rapist needs to pay for what he did, if she violated the BYU "Honor" Code, the victim needs to be punished, too. And that could mean doing something as minor as wearing a tank top. Oh, don't even get me started. You can read more here:

Rape, Responsibility & Reporting. The BYU Debate
by Lizzy Smith                    

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May 03, 2016

Brigham Young University (BYU) is located in Provo, Utah and is just some 20 minutes from my home. Recently, the school has been receiving loads of negative press surrounding a student who reported a rape and, as a result, has been disciplined by the university herself. That’s right—a female student reports a rape (and apparently her attacker admits to it in a recorded phone conversation) and she finds herself in hot water with her university. Why? Because if you attend BYU, which is owned by the Mormon church, all students must promise to abide by a strict Honor Code, which includes not having sex outside of marriage, not touching alcohol or drugs, and dressing to a standard that includes no shorts above the knees or sleeveless tops.

The student who launched the media blitz, 20-year old Madi Barney (who has publicly come forward and agreed to be named), met a guy who, she says, raped her during their date. She waited four days to report it because she feared BYU would find out. Her concerns came true when a deputy sheriff turned the report over to the university. Soon after, Madi was informed that BYU had launched an Honor Code investigation against her. Refusing to answer all of the university’s questions so as not to impede the police investigation, BYU refused Madi services under Title IV, the Federal law that prohibits sexual discrimination at universities, and barred her from registering for classes the following semester. Since coming forward with her story, several other female BYU students have reported that they, too, were either disciplined or kicked out of school for reporting rapes or sexual assaults because, the school determined, they were in violation of the Honor Code. (I have to hand it to these young women who were strong and brave enough to go public with their stories. This is never easy for victims of sexual assault but it is particularly hard in the Mormon community where members are taught at an early age to never disparage the church or its institutions.)

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I So Totally Deserve This Medal! Myeloma Lizzy Claws Her Way Through a 5k

Yesterday, I completed my first race post horrible stem cell transplant this past November and December for myeloma. It was a whopping 5k. I was Team Captain of the Salt Lake City Muscles for Myeloma Team and, together, we did the Thanksgiving Point Tulip Festivals Half Marathon/5k. And, no, I was not able to run the whole thing-- I walked some, ran more. But I ran the finish line and as they were passing out medals, I almost didn't take one. After all, I used to run five miles per day and now I couldn't even run an entire three miles. But then it hit me-- I deserve that medal more than probably most people out there! I am a cancer thriver and I am clawing my way back to health and strength. I almost grabbed that medal from the guy-- "GIVE THAT TO ME!" I wanted to scream. I put it around my neck and took a photo.

I totally deserve this. And I'm going to do more races because... I like them. They are fun, high energy, inspiring and social. I'm a social girl. Getting stronger, one day at a time, one step at a time, whether I run it, walk it, or crawl it.

The night prior, I hosted dinner at my house for 50 people. It was my Team Salt Lake City. And some neighbors, family and friends. It was very fun. I got lots of donations from local businesses and everyone who showed up got a great door prize that ranged from dinners to car washes to Nike sweatshirts to a cool backpack stuffed with goodies from Harley Davidson.

But best of all, I got to reconnect and hang with some of my favorite Salt Lake City myeloma warriors. There's "Mindy" who got a stem cell transplant with cells donated from her twin. She relapsed after a year (it should have cured her!) but she's on a drug cocktail now that seems to put have put her back in remission. There is "Heather." And "Rob." And, of course, my partner in crime, my hero, Jenny Ahlstrom. They brought family and kids and it just rocked. Myeloma is HORRIBLE but I have met the most amazingly awesome people and friends-- friends for life-- united by this disease. We will OVERCOME. With these people by my side, I know we will!

Since Friday (the day of my dinner party) was Dex day, I had loads of energy. After everyone left, I was up until 4 in the morning, cleaning, re-organizing, doing laundry. My house has never looked so clean. Even the refrigerator is shiny and sparkly. My hubby came home from a men's retreat to -- a house that smelled and looked delicious. Of course I paid for it yesterday (Saturday). After the race, I went to my daughter's soccer game, did some shopping, went to the beautiful gardens with my parents at Thanksgiving Point to see the tulips...

 

and then... crashed. So very tired, I slept almost 11 straight hours.

 

Today is a new day. Church. Dinner with family. Celebrating life and enjoying it every day.

 

....Because life is normal, until it's not. So live BIG, live GRAND.

 

Peace and love,

 

Lizzy