Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Stop Hating Your Man's Ex!

I am back from a six week sabbatical from writing for Divorced Moms because I was just too sick and mentally not capable of putting thoughts to paper. That is until my daughters went out to visit their step sisters in San Diego this past weekend. Notice that their dad, Bob the Great (Alcoholic) was absent-- not because he was out of town but, rather, because he was sitting in a bar by noon (really, who needs to start drinking before lunch? That's right, an alcoholic). I have a close friend who lives in Pacific Beach and sees Bob around town quite frequently and on Saturday, when the girls were at Belmont Park, Bob was across the street (literally) in a bar knocking back drinks. He has chosen a life of drinking over being a dad to all four children. Alcoholism is such a pathetic disease. 

Anyhoo, while my daughters were in San Diego, all four girls spent time with a woman I once despised-- Rob's ex-wife, "Tina". I've written about this before but we women need to really stop taking sides when it comes to the men in our lives and their ex's. I wasted so much time taking sides against Tina when, in reality, she is an awesome person and I consider her a very good friend of mine. She is smart, funny and witty. And, if you ask my girls, she is fun and a great cook. During my marriage, instead of forging positive relationships, I sided with a man who was abusive, a bully, explosive, and a liar. This choice of mine hurt everyone-- the children (particularly Bob and Tina's kids), Tina, me... Because I helped enable Bob to continue drinking, not owning up to his behavior, and continually going after Tina in court. Shame on me. I have done my best to apologize and make amends (which Tina has accepted) and I am writing about this topic so that hopefully, a few women will take my advice and do the same. 

What should you do and how should you behave if you're in this situation? At a minimum, shut your mouth. When your guy talks poorly about his ex, give him hugs and say things like "I'm so sorry that is happening." Now start watching him carefully-- maybe HE was the problem in the relationship. This would be a warning flag. Either way, whether is an innocent awesome guy or a tyrant, remember that "silence is golden." When you run into your guy's ex, try smiling, saying hello. Better yet, introduce yourself if that's comfortable. I ran into my current husband's ex wife at a football game. I walked up to her and we hugged. No drama between us and I'll be damned if it's not going to stay that way. Because adding gasoline to a burning fire is just shameful and, well, it is wrong. Don't do it. And, most important of all, never (like EVER) say bad things about the ex in front of the kids.  

I'll be done here, you can read more below.

Peace, Lizzy  

Lesson From The Celebrity World: Be Nice to Your Guys' Ex
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January 25, 2016
christie brinkley.jpg
My daughters just returned home from a trip to San Diego to hang with their two (former) step sisters, Kellie and Nicky. (They did not, unfortunately see their dad because he was too busy sitting in a bar getting wasted off his ass. A friend of mine who lives in his neighborhood saw sent me a text with the news. Very sad.) Anyway, guess who else the girls spent time with? My former arch nemesis: the ex-wife of my former husband, Rob the Great (Alcoholic).
If you had told me that my daughters would ever be in the presence of "THAT WOMAN,” I'd have called you Crazy. After all, I detested her because I believed everything Rob told me: she was evil, mean, manipulative, a horrible person, and an incompetent mother who just wanted his money and didn't want to work. Kind and loving girlfriend that I was, I hopped right in the middle of their relationship (at his insistence and encouragement, mind you). Over our years together, I helped Rob write and edit court documents, glared at Tina when we crossed paths in public, and generally consoled Rob for the years he spent with the Evil Bitch. I discovered his alcoholism and tried like hell to get him well. It all failed.
It didn’t take long for me to realize that the things Rob said about Tina were not exactly accurate and there probably was a whole other side to their story. During my marriage to Rob, I found myself on the receiving end of what Tina put up with for years—the rage, abuse, bullying, and explosiveness of an alcoholic tyrant.
…And then one day, I had enough. I called the police during one explosive drunken screaming fit, had Rob removed from our home, and called Tina, hoping to high heaven she would actually speak to me. She did. She listened, she consoled. Soon she became one of my biggest allies and supporters during a really horrific divorce.
Hmmm....
How many women do we know who have done some version of the same? Go after Mr. Amazing’s ex? I get it0-- it is tempting to get sucked in to the drama because Mr. Amazing seems perfect. Plus, he wants (and needs) support. Except maybe he is not so perfect. Maybe the ex knows a lot more about him than anyone else.
Today, I stumbled on the story of Christie Brinkley and her ex-husband, Peter Cook. They had a hateful divorce amidst Peter's cheating allegations with very young women. He remarried a woman named Suzanne, yet he and Christie continued battling in court. Suzanne stood by Peter and defended him. During one court hearing according to Page Six, Christie said to Suzanne that when Peter did the same things to her, she would be there. It didn’t take long. Page Six obtained an email that Suzanne wrote to Peter: “To think you fought Christie, the mother of your children, for custody, knowing what you were, knowing what you did … trolling the internet … filming your prostitute. Covertly photographing... and so much more.”