Friday, August 28, 2015

I promised I'll get better for YOU, he says. Should you believe him?

I love hearing from my readers. They give me so much support and I hope I provide it in return. My latest via Divorced Moms is right here, thank you "Bonnie." I cannot tell you how many women I know who end up with a total jerk for a husband or boyfriend and the signs were there. If only we all got a chance to be a fly on the wall during his last marriage, I'll bet we'd have a lot more empathy for his ex and a whole lot less for him. Not all guys fall into this category, but plenty do. Here goes....

His Ex Couldn't Fix Him, And You Likely Can't Either
by Lizzy Smith                    
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August 28, 2015
635505726902016559Fotolia_10933361_XS.jpgRecently, I had an email exchange with one of my readers, “Bonnie.” She has been dating a guy for nearly four (long) years and there are some huge red flags. Like crimson colored. Bonnie said I could share her story and I have changed her name and a few details to protect her privacy.
When Bonnie met “Joe” he had just separated from his wife. He gave Bonnie and earful about what a crazy woman his ex was. She was a liar, a horrible mother, abusive and never appreciated him. Bonnie felt sorry for Joe and soon grew to hate Joe’s ex (though she never met her). But Joe had another failed marriage and he had nothing good to say about that ex either. She, too, was lazy, a terrible mother, had major substance abuse problems, and was emotionally volatile. Poor Joe had been victimized by two former wives and Bonnie hated both women. Poor Joe, she just wanted to give him a huge hug and take all his pain away (at the expense of crazy, evil women).
NOTE: Ladies, I cannot state this enough, stay OUT of the relationships that your new guy has with his ex’s. There are two sides to every story and there is a really good chance that he just might have a lot to do with the problems in those relationships. Your job is to provide comfort and hugs to your new guy, watch and observe very carefully. And when you do meet the “crazy ex,” be polite. Or, at a minimum, do not be part of their drama. Because there is a very good chance that if you and your new guy split, those ex’s may become a huge support to you.
It wasn’t long before Bonnie began seeing signs of trouble with Joe. He had an explosive personality and months later, she realized that he was an alcoholic. (Bonnie and I have many parallels.) He explained his alcoholism away by blaming his ex-wives for his woes. They stressed him out, were mean to him, and turning to a bottle was his only coping mechanism. By this time, Bonnie was “all in” with Joe. She loved him, had developed huge empathy, and she had allowed him to move into her home. While they shared no children or assets together, they fully shared their life. Plus, her heart and head made her want to help him. After all, she said, you don’t ditch a guy you love when he is sick and Joe is most certainly sick. She was on a mission to cure him.
As we our email exchange continued, I realized that her guy Joe and my ex-husband, Rob the Great (Alcoholic) seemed almost one and the same guy. Like Rob, Joe is promising Bonnie that he is going to get help this time. He loves her more than he loved either of his ex-wives and he is entering treatment. Granted, he has made this promise to her countless times and, so far, it hasn't happened. After all, he is an addict and addicts by the very nature of their disease, are liars.
I asked Bonnie if she thinks that perhaps Joe made those same promises to his ex-wives. Or his children. Or family. Or employer. It took her a long time to answer that but she finally admitted that he probably had. I asked her if she really believed he never loved his wives. Keep reading...