Tuesday, February 24, 2015

I might be divorced but I believe in marriage-- and I'm taking the plunge again!

Since I'm getting married in October, I thought this was a great topic over at Divorced Moms. Enjoy!

Why This Divorced Mom Still Believes In
by Lizzy Smith
February 24, 2015
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I learned first-hand that marriage can be one horrific experience. I've said it a million times but I'll say it again: There are worse things than divorce and a bad marriage is one of them. And you never know if that "perfect" couple is happy or even functioning as a couple. I am sure that people thought my ex and I had that perfect marriage and home. They were wrong. And I know several friends who are in horrible marriage and divorce would be a celebration; their "never divorced" status is a tragedy. And in my case, once I earned my "Single" status, it was like I had received a big huge prize.

When my divorce was final, I celebrated by taking my boyfriend to a grand dinner. I was ecstatic. And since then, I've loved being single. I get to decorate my home how I want, go to bed when I feel like it, raise the girls how I believe they should be, pick my own vacations, develop and adhere to a budget that makes sense, and even decide how clean I want the house.
But... I still believe in marriage, big time. Call me an optimist but I believe that fairytales do exist, than true forever love is possible, and that marriages can be an amazing partnership. And as I've embarked in the dating world, I've caught glimpses of great men who, it appears, are capable of becoming terrific companions if all other things had lined up.

In a time where simply living together is acceptable, what makes marriage different? The legality of it all. It's easy to pack up your stuff and move in with a guy. And as committed as you both may be to the relationship, if it doesn't work out, you move on, hopefully without attorneys needed to unwind the legal contract that makes a marriage different. After all, marriage ultimately boils down to a legal contract between two adults, filed with the government. There are protections and responsibilities of both parties when it comes to marriage, and that's where lawyers come in when the contract must be dismantled. With a simple "cohabitation" agreement, this isn't necessary (there are exceptions, of course). And, really, there is something special with saying "this is my husband" as opposed to "this is my boyfriend."

As a cancer survivor, I know all too well that relationships (and my health) are the most important things in life. Developing and cultivating amazing relationships with those I love matters. And that's where marriage comes in. It is one of the most important relationships we can have.

As I summarize it, here are the reasons I still believe in marriage:

1. Forever companionship
There is something permanent about marriage. You work on a marriage more than you usually work on a relationship with a boyfriend. At least I do. If a boyfriend isn't working out, it's a sign to end it. But with a marriage, I work and work and work some more. Because we have already made that commitment that we are both vested in each other. And as two adults work on a relationship, live together, and share life, there is something incredibly special and bonding. Only marriage, for me, has provided that. Sharing illnesses, dreams, vacations, homes-- it all takes on a different level of importance than a simple "boyfriend-girlfriend" status. And, truly, if I'm dating a guy for a very long time and he's not wanting to marry me (or I him), what are we doing? There's reasons why people don't take the plunge and usually they're called "warning signs." I still don't know how long is reasonable to date (or even live together) before a relationship can be determined "dead" or "stagnant"-- each is different. But if a few years have passed and you're not moving forward, that says everything you need to know about the relationship.

2. The public designation
I love saying "my husband." There is something powerful and unique with that word and what it says to society. You are now a team. And if you're in a good, functioning marriage, that "team" is amazing. Legally, my husband makes all kinds of decisions for the two of us, and vice versa. That matters.

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