Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Cheating. Three Real Couples Who've Given Monogamy The Middle Finger. My latest via Divorced Moms

Over the past few months, it seems I've become surrounded by the topic of "cheating" inside a marriage. And because of it, I think about it endlessly. I can only speak for me when I say that I just can't fathom being in a marriage where my husband cheats. Trust, honesty and fidelity is a make or break for me. And I thought that there is simply no other way. But there are couples who have found that "other way" and here are three examples. I don't endorse them but it has given me food for thought. Here goes...

Cheating. 3 Real Couples Who've Given Monogamy The Middle Finger
by Lizzy Smith                    
January 20, 2015
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Here are three real scenarios from couples I know well. And they have turned everything I thought about fidelity on its head.

1. The Open Marriage
Kim and Troy have been married for 25 years and have two children. If one was an outsider looking in, they are the perfect couple. They are both beautiful people, have a beautiful home with a shiny pool in the back yard, two dogs and a cat, two perfect careers, two nice cars and a boat. They are fun to be with, always up for an adventure or a night out. They laugh and are affectionate with each other.

But Kim confided in me that they have been going through a rough patch for years. Troy has been fantasizing about being with other women and wanting her to be with other partners, men or women. They are both bored and have been considering divorce for a few years. Troy cheated on Kim throughout their four year relationship prior to marriage and to this day, she thinks that maybe Troy has cheated on her after their wedding, too. Every time he texts or picks up a call, she wonders.
Finally, at Troy's encouragement, she slept with a friend of Troy's. They filmed it and texted it to Troy. And instead of it destroying their trust and relationship, it has revitalized it. She says they have sex all the time now, they are open with each other in ways they never have, and she actually trusts Troy because she feels, at last, he's honest. Brutally honest, not always easy to hear. But at last, she doesn't wonder anymore.

I asked Kim if she felt guilty about having the one-time sexual tryst with Troy. No, she said, because she did it for Troy and the outcome has been good for them. She was on the verge of a divorce and, time will tell, it has perhaps saved their marriage. I asked if she would do it again. Probably not. What will she do if Troy has an affair, or many affairs? She's not sure she cares that much, as long as it's "just sex." And what if it isn't? What if one of those "just sex" women become something more? Kim says that she and Troy are strong, they have been together so long, and that no woman will end their marriage. She's that sure of it. And she, the jealous type, is all of a sudden, more sure of herself than ever, and not feeling so jealous anymore. She feels... at peace.

Kim has decided that she will sacrifice her monogamous marriage in order to have honesty, transparency and openness in their relationship. Honesty and almost any cost. The rules of their marriage have now changed. Will this lead to long-term happiness? Time will tell.

2. The Known Cheater (And Looking The Other Way)
When Lori met Sam, he was already married. She helped break up his marriage and it was an ugly split. Sam's wife fought hard to keep her guy but, ultimately, she failed. A year after their divorce was final, Lori got her wish-- Sam married her amidst great fanfare and a huge wedding. It's been 15 years and they have three sons.

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