Today's Update: So today my body aches everywhere, especially the part of my ribs between my breasts. If I touch my arms hard enough, they hurt, too. Last night it was my floating rib on my right side. They keep telling me at clinic that it's my bones healing or readjusting but it scares me and I'm so incredibly tired of being sore.
So let's go back to last year...
When I first met "Rob", I was in a great place, emotionally and financially. I owned two homes in Utah that I rented out. I had a big fat savings account. I lived well beneath my means. I had a good job. I lived near the beach. I had no debt whatsoever, not even a car payment, and I had a very nice newer Volvo. When Rob and I purchased our home together and set a wedding date, he had massive amounts of debt ($75,000 he owed his mother, who loaned him that money to pay off his ex wife, Terri), credit card debt, no money at all in savings, and an old Honda CRV. Throughout our entire relationship, I busted my ass off to pay off his financial obligations, including almost $1,500 per month in child support and over $650 per month in spousal support. His debts took precedence over joint credit card debt, everything.
So let's go back to last year...
When I first met "Rob", I was in a great place, emotionally and financially. I owned two homes in Utah that I rented out. I had a big fat savings account. I lived well beneath my means. I had a good job. I lived near the beach. I had no debt whatsoever, not even a car payment, and I had a very nice newer Volvo. When Rob and I purchased our home together and set a wedding date, he had massive amounts of debt ($75,000 he owed his mother, who loaned him that money to pay off his ex wife, Terri), credit card debt, no money at all in savings, and an old Honda CRV. Throughout our entire relationship, I busted my ass off to pay off his financial obligations, including almost $1,500 per month in child support and over $650 per month in spousal support. His debts took precedence over joint credit card debt, everything.
Additionally, I did nothing but work while Rob did little more that drink after work and fish. He acted like he was the most important employee ever at the company he works for. Without Rob the Great (Alcoholic), the whole wide world would fall apart! Except Rob's hyper sense of his importance was only shared by Rob. He complained about the gobs of hours he had to work. Except many of the hours he was supposed to be working were actually spent at the San Diego Brewing Co. throwing back beers. On a Friday by 2:00 pm there was only one place Rob could be found: the BrewCo. When I had the audacity to tell Rob that I was drowning with responsibilities of working fulltime and taking care of the home, dogs, kids, his older daughter, and the Big Bear property, he would get even more agitated, scream at me, then apologize and tell me he'd do better.
Rob blamed everything for his disgusting behavior. The triggers and excuses were ENDLESS! Work, his dad was sick, stress at work, his daughter's latest problems (I'll write a post just on this one!), Kalie not wanting to talk to him (who could blame her?), Terri, upcoming court battles, work, work... It was one excuse after the next. That's why he drank, lied, didn't help around the house... It was so tiring. As if I didn't have any stressors? I kid you not, if Rob was home, it would be 7:30 or 8:00 pm and if he wasn't sitting down and watching movies he was asleep.
Rob blamed everything for his disgusting behavior. The triggers and excuses were ENDLESS! Work, his dad was sick, stress at work, his daughter's latest problems (I'll write a post just on this one!), Kalie not wanting to talk to him (who could blame her?), Terri, upcoming court battles, work, work... It was one excuse after the next. That's why he drank, lied, didn't help around the house... It was so tiring. As if I didn't have any stressors? I kid you not, if Rob was home, it would be 7:30 or 8:00 pm and if he wasn't sitting down and watching movies he was asleep.
When I got sick, I literally stopped caring about anything related to finances or the house or anything. I was, quite literally, in survival mode. I knew that fighting my disease with Rob around would be impossible. He couldn't handle any responsibilities surrounding the house. How could he handle the home and an ailing wife? He'd drink more, scream at me more, do less, and I'd have to pick up the pieces while feeling sicker than ever. So as I was leaving, I literally handed Rob a stack of bills and a check book and said "Have fun with this. Four five years you've promised to pay bills and you've done nothing. Now it's your turn."
When I got to Utah, I found some pajamas that said "It's all about me." I bought them. For once, it truly was all about me. I texted the photo to Rob and it infuriated him. How dare it be all about Liz for once? It was supposed to always be about Rob, right? Not anymore. Seriously, my mindset at that point was "fuck you, Rob."
SEND MONEY NOW OR ELSE!
When I got to Utah, I found some pajamas that said "It's all about me." I bought them. For once, it truly was all about me. I texted the photo to Rob and it infuriated him. How dare it be all about Liz for once? It was supposed to always be about Rob, right? Not anymore. Seriously, my mindset at that point was "fuck you, Rob."
SEND MONEY NOW OR ELSE!
When I left San Diego, I was on disability. Rob demanded that I send him my disability checks to cover household expenses. He texted, emailed and called me many times a day literally screaming at me or calling me a lying, lazy thief. SEND ME MONEY NOW OR ELSE, he threatened me (see email exchange below). And I was actually going to do it just to stop the horrible communications from him.
And then I called my attorney and told her what I planned on doing and she said, "Oh hell no! That money is to take care of you and the children. You aren't working. Who knows when you'll be able to go back to work. He makes a substantial income. He gets his bonus in a few weeks. Let him figure it out"
And she was right. I had loaned him over $40,000 to pay off his mother and had worked hard to help him pay off the additional $35,000 he owed her. I had helped pay child support, spousal support, Kalie's braces, his credit card debts... And it went on and on and on. And now that I was sick, it was time that I took care of me first for a change. And then Rob mentioned the bonus he was set to receive a few weeks later. He wanted me to put in writing that he could use his bonus for whatever he wanted. At first I was going to do that. And then I thought, "What the hell. I received a bonus just months prior and what did I do with that money? I gave it to his mother to satisfy more of the debt he still owed her from his prior marriage. Why should I allow him to take his bonus money and keep that for himself too?" So I said no way. That money is to be used for community expenses. And, of course, the screaming tirades in that high-pitched voice were just unbelievable. Women sopranos just cannot reach the pitches that Rob does.
As if fighting cancer wasn't bad enough in Rob's head, he decided to make it worse. He taunted me about a new woman he was communicating with on match.com. She was Jewish and she had lots of MONEY. Nice, Rob. Enjoy dating that woman while I get chemo poured into my veins. I should have expected no better than what he heaped on his first wife's head. When Terri left him, Rob found me immediately and just couldn't get a commitment from me fast enough. Apparently he made sure everyone knew that I had money and was successful. And, of course, he needed my money to help him pay off his massive obligations. It made perfect sense that he'd find another "me" to bail him out of this marriage, too. Instead of taking time to heal and adjust, find another woman immediately. Bob cannot be alone because that might actually force him to confront the ugly person he is inside and, well, the only thing Rob can do consistently is show up for work, drink, fish and sleep. And blame everyone else for his screaming fits when event alcohol isn't enough to help him cope.
But here's the best part of all: Rob threated me that if I didn't send him my disability checks, he was not only going to cancel my health insurance, he was going to contact the California disability office and get my disability benefits cancelled, too. He thought that if I wasn't living in California, then I should get no benefits from California. Rob was wrong, though. I came to Utah to seek medical treatment and I let California know. See, I don't lie and deceive like Rob does. Transparency, honesty and decency is actually important to me. So Rob's threats were just that. Nonetheless, they were cruel and heartless and disgusting.
But don't just believe my words. Let's hear it from Rob himself. (PS: When Rob says he discovered $4,500 missing from the Big Bear account, it was actually a live check that I received at home and left it for him to cash. I never stole a dime from any of our accounts.)
And then I called my attorney and told her what I planned on doing and she said, "Oh hell no! That money is to take care of you and the children. You aren't working. Who knows when you'll be able to go back to work. He makes a substantial income. He gets his bonus in a few weeks. Let him figure it out"
And she was right. I had loaned him over $40,000 to pay off his mother and had worked hard to help him pay off the additional $35,000 he owed her. I had helped pay child support, spousal support, Kalie's braces, his credit card debts... And it went on and on and on. And now that I was sick, it was time that I took care of me first for a change. And then Rob mentioned the bonus he was set to receive a few weeks later. He wanted me to put in writing that he could use his bonus for whatever he wanted. At first I was going to do that. And then I thought, "What the hell. I received a bonus just months prior and what did I do with that money? I gave it to his mother to satisfy more of the debt he still owed her from his prior marriage. Why should I allow him to take his bonus money and keep that for himself too?" So I said no way. That money is to be used for community expenses. And, of course, the screaming tirades in that high-pitched voice were just unbelievable. Women sopranos just cannot reach the pitches that Rob does.
As if fighting cancer wasn't bad enough in Rob's head, he decided to make it worse. He taunted me about a new woman he was communicating with on match.com. She was Jewish and she had lots of MONEY. Nice, Rob. Enjoy dating that woman while I get chemo poured into my veins. I should have expected no better than what he heaped on his first wife's head. When Terri left him, Rob found me immediately and just couldn't get a commitment from me fast enough. Apparently he made sure everyone knew that I had money and was successful. And, of course, he needed my money to help him pay off his massive obligations. It made perfect sense that he'd find another "me" to bail him out of this marriage, too. Instead of taking time to heal and adjust, find another woman immediately. Bob cannot be alone because that might actually force him to confront the ugly person he is inside and, well, the only thing Rob can do consistently is show up for work, drink, fish and sleep. And blame everyone else for his screaming fits when event alcohol isn't enough to help him cope.
But here's the best part of all: Rob threated me that if I didn't send him my disability checks, he was not only going to cancel my health insurance, he was going to contact the California disability office and get my disability benefits cancelled, too. He thought that if I wasn't living in California, then I should get no benefits from California. Rob was wrong, though. I came to Utah to seek medical treatment and I let California know. See, I don't lie and deceive like Rob does. Transparency, honesty and decency is actually important to me. So Rob's threats were just that. Nonetheless, they were cruel and heartless and disgusting.
But don't just believe my words. Let's hear it from Rob himself. (PS: When Rob says he discovered $4,500 missing from the Big Bear account, it was actually a live check that I received at home and left it for him to cash. I never stole a dime from any of our accounts.)
A Nice Email Exchange with Rob
----- Original Message -----
From: lizzysmilez
Sent: Wednesday, January 25, 2012 03:50 PM
To: Rob the Great
Subject: Re: Re:
You knew that if you continued drinking that the kids and I would be gone. You got exactly what you wanted- a kidfree, wife free environment. It was entirely your choice. Own it. I'm sure you're happy with your decision. We are gone- be happy! :)
Two marriages down. The first was all Terri's fault (nothing to do with your drinking and terrorizing her or your kids), and the second one because I'm your trigger and the reason you drink and terrorized another set of wife and kids.
You have no idea how I feel, my limitations, the help I need and require-- nothing, so stop presuming. You are mean, a bully, and I really don't need it. I am fighting for my HEALTH while you threaten my medical insurance. Classy.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
-----Original Message-----
From: Rob the Great
Date: Wed, 25 Jan 2012 14:36:27
To: lizzysmilez
Subject: Re: Re:
Correct. On your own, without me which was your decision. I'm paying for it every day, mentally, physically and financially. Mommy and Daddy are there taking care of your every need. Like the call to NIFCU which stiLl got me no where, it's so simple to go to the bank, or maybe on line, to have major money deposited in the joint account so I can manage whatever budget I can.
----- Original Message -----
From: lizzysmilez
Sent: Wednesday, January 25, 2012 03:29 PM
To: Rob the Great
Subject: Re: Re:
I am SICK rob. I have very little energy and do as much as I can every day. Sometimes I can do more things than others and your threats, implied and outright, are so immoral and wrong and disturbing. Difficult??? I'm SICK
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
-----Original Message-----
From: Rob the Great
Date: Wed, 25 Jan 2012 14:24:07
To: lizzysmilez
Subject: Re: Re:
State disability and your health insurance are at risk. Deposit disability checks in the joint account and use that account for all expenses. I require income in the past and a balance sheet. If you can't do that, I don't control the outcome. It's your decision to be difficult. Have a happy day.
----- Original Message -----
From: lizzysmilez
Sent: Wednesday, January 25, 2012 03:21 PM
To: Rob the Great
Subject: Re: Re:
I lied throughout or marriage about what, exactly?
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
-----Original Message-----
From: Rob the Great
Date: Wed, 25 Jan 2012 14:17:27
To: lizzysmilez
Subject: Re: Re:
Deposit money in the account and make it visible. If you can't do that simple thing, you are taking money from me. It's so simple that I can't believe with all the emails you send like this, with half the energy you could open an account, deposit money into the joint account and take it out like I do. No, there is something way wrong here, it has been since I discovered 4500 missing from Big Bear. You lied throughout our marriage, took money and now I demand to see it. If not I will take necessary action without regret. I don't trust you for obvious reasons.
----- Original Message -----
From: lizzysmilez
Sent: Wednesday, January 25, 2012 02:54 PM
To: Rob the Great
Subject: Re: Re:
Rob, You are a mean bully and your emails for over a month are wildly inappropriate, heartless, cruel, ill timed and immoral. I don't know who you are, obviously never did. And I am struggling every day with my health and to be perfectly honest, I don't even care. At all. Your accusations, version of the truth, taunts and threats mean nothing to me. Hate me, whatever, don't care. Stop the hateful emails and demands and act nice. I don't feel well and right now your having to take on duties that I did single handedly for 4 years just doesn't resonate when I'm just struggling to swollow 20 pills a day and keep it together. Seriously, stop it- you are way out of line
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
-----Original Message-----
From: Rob the Great
Date: Wed, 25 Jan 2012 13:21:44
To: lizzsmilez
Subject: Re: Re:
Money is to be deposited in the joint account along with a document that depicts what was received in income and spent tomorrow. If not, I will take action to get the information I need to ensure we are being fare.
----- Original Message -----
From: lizzysmilez
Sent: Wednesday, January 25, 2012 03:50 PM
To: Rob the Great
Subject: Re: Re:
You knew that if you continued drinking that the kids and I would be gone. You got exactly what you wanted- a kidfree, wife free environment. It was entirely your choice. Own it. I'm sure you're happy with your decision. We are gone- be happy! :)
Two marriages down. The first was all Terri's fault (nothing to do with your drinking and terrorizing her or your kids), and the second one because I'm your trigger and the reason you drink and terrorized another set of wife and kids.
You have no idea how I feel, my limitations, the help I need and require-- nothing, so stop presuming. You are mean, a bully, and I really don't need it. I am fighting for my HEALTH while you threaten my medical insurance. Classy.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
-----Original Message-----
From: Rob the Great
Date: Wed, 25 Jan 2012 14:36:27
To: lizzysmilez
Subject: Re: Re:
Correct. On your own, without me which was your decision. I'm paying for it every day, mentally, physically and financially. Mommy and Daddy are there taking care of your every need. Like the call to NIFCU which stiLl got me no where, it's so simple to go to the bank, or maybe on line, to have major money deposited in the joint account so I can manage whatever budget I can.
----- Original Message -----
From: lizzysmilez
Sent: Wednesday, January 25, 2012 03:29 PM
To: Rob the Great
Subject: Re: Re:
I am SICK rob. I have very little energy and do as much as I can every day. Sometimes I can do more things than others and your threats, implied and outright, are so immoral and wrong and disturbing. Difficult??? I'm SICK
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
-----Original Message-----
From: Rob the Great
Date: Wed, 25 Jan 2012 14:24:07
To: lizzysmilez
Subject: Re: Re:
State disability and your health insurance are at risk. Deposit disability checks in the joint account and use that account for all expenses. I require income in the past and a balance sheet. If you can't do that, I don't control the outcome. It's your decision to be difficult. Have a happy day.
----- Original Message -----
From: lizzysmilez
Sent: Wednesday, January 25, 2012 03:21 PM
To: Rob the Great
Subject: Re: Re:
I lied throughout or marriage about what, exactly?
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
-----Original Message-----
From: Rob the Great
Date: Wed, 25 Jan 2012 14:17:27
To: lizzysmilez
Subject: Re: Re:
Deposit money in the account and make it visible. If you can't do that simple thing, you are taking money from me. It's so simple that I can't believe with all the emails you send like this, with half the energy you could open an account, deposit money into the joint account and take it out like I do. No, there is something way wrong here, it has been since I discovered 4500 missing from Big Bear. You lied throughout our marriage, took money and now I demand to see it. If not I will take necessary action without regret. I don't trust you for obvious reasons.
----- Original Message -----
From: lizzysmilez
Sent: Wednesday, January 25, 2012 02:54 PM
To: Rob the Great
Subject: Re: Re:
Rob, You are a mean bully and your emails for over a month are wildly inappropriate, heartless, cruel, ill timed and immoral. I don't know who you are, obviously never did. And I am struggling every day with my health and to be perfectly honest, I don't even care. At all. Your accusations, version of the truth, taunts and threats mean nothing to me. Hate me, whatever, don't care. Stop the hateful emails and demands and act nice. I don't feel well and right now your having to take on duties that I did single handedly for 4 years just doesn't resonate when I'm just struggling to swollow 20 pills a day and keep it together. Seriously, stop it- you are way out of line
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
-----Original Message-----
From: Rob the Great
Date: Wed, 25 Jan 2012 13:21:44
To: lizzsmilez
Subject: Re: Re:
Money is to be deposited in the joint account along with a document that depicts what was received in income and spent tomorrow. If not, I will take action to get the information I need to ensure we are being fare.
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