From www.myelomacrowd.org: I've just been diagnosed with cancer. Should I tell others? And when?

My latest on www.myelomacrowd.org. An important topic. Getting a life altering health diagnosis leaves our heads spinning, or at least it did mine. The last thing we are prepared to do is share the news with others. Whatever we decide is perfectly ok. There is no "perfect" answer, just what works for you. Go with your gut instinct and make no apologies.

I’ve just been diagnosed with cancer. Should I tell others? And when?

BY LIZZY SMITH

First, there is no right or wrong answer on who you decide to tell about your diagnosis, when, or how. For me, when I was diagnosed in January 2012, I wanted to tell no one except a few people that had to know, which included my boss at work, my parents and brothers, my best friend, and a few others. I was totally focused on winning the battle ahead of me and I had no desire whatsoever to see fear or pity in anyone’s eyes. Just weeks after my diagnosis, my close friend from high school was also diagnosed with cancer and she announced it on Facebook. “I have just been diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer that has spread to my hip and lung. Please pray for me,” she wrote. Which of us was right in our approach? We both were.

Make no apologies to anyone about who you decide to share your cancer diagnosis with, whether it be the world or just your closest supporters. As a single woman who had just entered the dating scene, I struggled with how much of my health I should divulge to someone I just met. Eventually I decided that no one was entitled to know private health information early on and, if things should progress, only then would I share. After about six weeks of dating my boyfriend, I told him one evening about my multiple myeloma. Only then did he learn that my hair was actually a wig. It wasn’t easy but it was the right time and place. Other than lots of questions and curiosity, it didn’t phase him, which if it had, we didn’t belong together anyway. It’s been coming up on three years now that I’ve been living with myeloma and I’m far more comfortable with sharing my health news with others but still, I never meet someone new and say, “Hi, I’m Lizzy and I’m a cancer survivor” either. Myeloma is just one piece of “me” and it isn’t the only thing that defines me. Should you take this same approach? Of course not (unless you want to).

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Divorced Moms: The Opposite of Love is... Passionless Indifference

My latest on Divorced Moms. The opposite of love isn't hate... it's indifference. Wow, epiphany moment. And isn't that the truth, from my own cache of experiences. Here goes. (And shout-out to Alan for his insight and words of wisdom. I love connecting with my readers! Best part of writing, I gotta say.)

The Opposite of Love is... Passionless Indifference
by Lizzy Smith                     

September 30, 2014

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My close friend, “Beth,” and her boyfriend, “Mitch,” dated for over two years. They had a terrible breakup that included allegations of cheating, lying, emotional abuse and a whole lot more. The police were called, a strict no-contact order was put into place, and mutual friends were forced to pick sides. One was either Team Beth or Team Mitch, there was no gray, no neutral zone.

Beth hated Mitch. She talked about him often, she swore up and down that he was the most awful guy on the planet, and she went to great lengths to ensure that everyone knew it. Mitch wasn’t a whole lot better. There was a reason he was an awful boyfriend, he told his supporters, and that was because Beth was a horrible girlfriend. She was selfish and didn’t give him the attention he was entitled to. Beth was the ultimate nag and he was glad to be rid of her.

Several months later, Beth got a call from the police while she was grocery shopping. Mitch wanted the no contact order lifted so that they could communicate again. Beth was floored. Sure, it was fine if Mitch wanted to contact her again but no way in hell would she ever reconcile with that asshole, she told the police. A few hours later, Mitch called Beth. She didn’t take the call but she did text him and, oh my, the texts were awful. Plenty of accusations flew between the two of them. When Beth showed me her phone and I read them myself, it left me breathless. Ouch.

After several days of texting, Beth and Mitch decided to meet up and have it out in person. They went to a restaurant and for the next two hours, the conversation got quite animated and loud. Beth said they might have caused a scene, though she was so focused on the interaction between the two of them that she failed to notice anything else. She did say that at one point she knocked her drink over. Beth drove home in tears, shaking. Did the meet-up provide much-needed closure and comfort? No, said Beth, it was awful and she wished she hadn’t gone at all. She felt dark inside and in need of a shower.

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Divorced Moms: Single Moms and Flu Season. Foods to Charge Our Immune Systems

My latest article on Divorced Moms. Flu season is here and I am endlessly obsessed with my health. I'd write more but I'm packing for a trip and I'm way behind schedule. I leave in the morning on a jet plane to exotic Kansas City, whoohoo! Actually I am very much looking forward to it. I will miss my girls very much but I will be in great company. More details when I get back. Cheers, dear readers, and stay healthy and eat right!

Single Moms And Flu Season. Foods To Charge Our Immune Systems
by Lizzy Smith                    

September 24, 2014

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As single moms, getting sick not only sucks, but it’s really hard to manage kids, job, and yourself. The best option is to, well, just not get sick in the first place. Well, first, there are no guarantees that we'll never get sick, no matter how much we try. That said, there is still a whole lot we can do on our end to give our bodies is maximum ability to fight of germs and disease. And one easy place to start is what we put in our mouths. Since we all eat and drink throughout the day, making good choices is critical.

So I did my research and made my list of the most potent "superfoods" out there when it comes to boosting the immune system. Sure, eating healthy in general is good. But there are “good” foods, and then there are “great” foods. And then there are teas and spices that help, too.

Personally, I’m not a big meat eater, to be honest, but I’m a huge fan of seafood and fish and there’s plenty of those to keep me satiated. Plus, I can add garlic and grilled veggies, and flavor it with, say, cayenne pepper to make it a super nutritional, immune boosting meal (delicious, too). Add a side of black beans and, wow, I’m hungry just thinking about it.

The bottom line is that there are enough options to keep even the pickiest eaters happy (that includes my children). If there’s something that I hate (and, really, I only hate peas, lima beans, chicken on the bone, and raisins, none of which are on my superfoods list), I’ll pick something else.

Eating out is always my biggest challenge but at almost every restaurant, there are always salads (go light on the dressings; I personally like balsamic vinegar and olive oil), grilled chicken or fish, and steamed veggies. No joke, I went to Cheesecake Factory not too long ago and I ordered steamed broccoli, steamed asparagus, and a side of mashed potatoes that I split with my daughter (ok, I confess—I also split a slice of cheesecake). Actually, my lunch choice was delicious and I was really full before a started in on the cheesecake.

Ok, enough about that. Let’s get to that shopping list. I’ll buy as much organic, farm raised, locally grown stuff as possible. It’s always good to support the healthy foods industry, in my opinion.

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From Divorced Moms: More tales from the dating trenches (from a guy's perspective)

This post makes me incredibly sad. No "snarky" comments about freaky men in the freaky Utah dating trenches. No, not this time! Apparently I am INADVERTENTLY giving off some major vibes to some men that I want commitment and that I'm on the road to falling in love. Because NOTHING explains the fact that I have, once again, dated a guy (in this case ONCE) a time or four (no kissing or sex, or maybe one kiss) who then thinks that I want... I suppose... more? Like A LOT MORE. (Can you tell I am not happy?) I am speechless and devastated. I am examining every interaction, conversation, text, and body language to figure out WTF I am doing wrong. I'm so happy that I'm not dating ever again because this must stop. I'd write a whole lot more but since I wrote about it on Divorced Moms today, you can read it here. Hopefully someone will learn something from my experience. Not sure what that will be but I'm hopeful anyway. Maybe at some point when I can digest this a bit more, I'll have some conclusions, who knows.

From A Guy's Perspective: Lessons Learned From Online Dating
by Lizzy Smith                     

September 22, 2014

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Not long ago, I opened an account on an online dating site. Over a four week period, I communicated with several men and actually met up with maybe ten of them. One was "Andy." We went out once for dinner at a chain restaurant, which lasted about 90 minutes (no kiss at the end, not even on the cheek). It was a nice meet-up and I liked him, as a friend. Turns out, Andy has a chronic illness (not cancer); I have a chronic illness (multiple myeloma). Our health struggles and fight to stay well is one thing we have in common. We mostly talked about his diagnosis, treatments, and symptoms. He was flying out to another state a few days later for an experimental procedure and I was fascinated by it. We also talked plenty about my health, too. Afterwards, I gave him a hug and drove away and cried. Health struggles suck. When I got home, I texted him: You're a rock star. Be well and keep me posted.

 

In all honesty, I knew that even if Andy and I were a match made in heaven, we could never date seriously. Two people with health struggles would be a disaster. If it happens once you're already committed, that's one thing; purposely "going there" is entirely another. Life is already so complicated, at least for me (and him).  

 

Six days after our one and only date, I texted Andy with well-wishes for his upcoming trip and procedure. I also said that while we couldn't date, I hoped we would remain friends and fellow-supporters. Andy's response to that text shocked me. He was hurt, angry and devastated. Like crying devastated. What?!? He had grand plans for our future together and he wasn't happy about it. Here we are three days later and I am still scratching my head over this. I am literally stunned and very sad. Nonetheless, Andy followed up with a guest article about dating from a guy's perspective. While I disagree with a whole heck of a lot of his thought process (actually pretty much all of it), I still think it's an interesting read and I hope you will, too.

 

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Divorced Moms: 10 Fall Fashion Trends I Can't Live Without

From Divorced Moms, this column is about one of my favorite subjects: fashion and clothes! One of the most exciting things to happen to me in a long time was going to DSW over Labor Day. That had a crazy sale and I purchased nine pairs of new shoes. It made me happy for, like, nine hours-- about one hour per pair of shoes. I thought that not a bad thing. Ok, so I am at the point now where wearing my summer clothes is just not right. It's been so hot here and I'm wearing my sundresses and shorts and I'm just over it! I love complaining about the weather, why is that?

And while I'm thinking about clothes, I have a few fun trips coming up. I am going to a family wedding with William in Kansas City that is supposed to be spectacular. In October, the girls and I are going to Long Beach for five days. And in December, I am going to San Francisco to attend the American Society of Hematologists (ASH) annual conference and convention where I can learn more about the future of treatment for those of us struggling with hematological diseases and conditions, and then I will write about them. I am on a mission. Not sure what that mission is but I am on a quest to find meaning, love and fulfillment.

Now let's get back to the fun stuff: shoes, clothes, jackets and bags. Big smile here.

10 Fall Fashion Trends I Can't Live Without
by Lizzy Smith                     

September 18, 2014

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A few weeks ago, I went through my closet and purged. It wasn't easy but if I hadn't worn something in two years, it became a Goodwill donation. Four enormous trash bags later, I have lots of extra space to fill. So as not to get distracted when I hit the shops, I made a list of items that I can't live without. Here goes.

1. Skinny Jeans
 
I absolutely love skinny jeans and if they ever go out of style, I'll be wearing them anyway. They are so comfy, go well with any top, and I'm not sure there's a shoe that doesn't work well with them, from boots to flip-flops. You can find a pair to fit any budget, from $20-$200. I have some from Old Navy, Banana Republic and Nordstrom. Personally, my favorite pair are J Brand.

2. Boots
 
I am obsessed with boots in all styles and colors. Besides summer, I wear them all year long. They are warm and stylish. I don't own a pair yet like the ones pictured here but I'm on a quest.

3. Necklace

Personally, I am not a fan of chunky necklaces simply because after a few hours, they make my neck ache. That said, a long simple necklace is one of my favorite accessories and I wear one almost every day. I've picked them up from Old Navy to The Loft to vintage shops. I have them draped on a cute hook in my bedroom so they never get tangled up and they're easy to find.

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Tales from the Dating Trenches: How a potentially "cool" guy ruined it for me (in just a few texts)

Dating Rule #1: Never appear too desperate because the person on the other end of that just might think you're a (future) stalker.

Such is the story of "Sam." I feel bad even writing about Sam because he is so nice. But then again, so was my stalker Jay. Just a little recap on the Jay story. Jay was the first guy I dated post split from my husband. I was in the midst of my stem cell transplant and I was in my full glory of wearing wigs, false eyelashes, and drawing my eyebrows in with a charcoal pencil. I have to say, fake eyelashes and wigs looked great on me. They weren't comfortable, though. Jay knew all about my health and treatments and he didn't care. Long story short, Jay would not leave me alone. He brought groceries to my house, showered me with gifts, and called and texted me all the time. When I asked him to go away, he followed me around Salt Lake City. It freaked me out. Problem is, I accidentally led Jay on. I vowed never to do that again.

So let's go back to Sam. I wrote about him maybe a month ago and I called him Butterfly Man. I was really excited about Sam. We started texting and calling each other every day and having a date once a week. He had daughters the same age as mine and he was really warm and fun. The last date we had was a little... odd. I was at my daughter's soccer game and Sam wanted to come. Except he had to work late, which was fine. I texted him that the game was almost over and I could drop off my daughter at home and just meet him at a restaurant. But no, he wouldn't hear of it. He ended up desperately trying to find the field we were at and got there minutes before the game ended. It was awkward and would have been much easier if he had just met me at a restaurant. He was on his Harley and he followed me to drop off Siena. I had him park his motorcycle in my friend's garage so kids in the neighborhood weren't tempted to play on it and he got in my car and we drove to a restaurant. The rest of the evening was fine and we kissed for the first time after our date. I wasn't that hip on the kiss but, ok, whatever-- it was just a first kiss. I was still excited about him.

The next day, he went to Puerto Rico for a week with a buddy. And then the texts started. I'm giving you just a sample.

Sam: I had to pull over to tell you that I'm crazy about you.
Me: Really? That's awesome. I am too ;) Have a fab trip, lucky man.
Sam: I'm going to miss you like crazy! I loved kissing you.
Me: Sucks we won't see each other for almost 2 weeks but we will get thru it.

Next day...

Sam: I hate the idea of not seeing you for 2 weeks. BTW I loved our kiss. Puerto Rico would be so much more fun with you. I might be lame but I find myself thinking about you all the time. Sure miss you!
Me: :)
Sam: Sure miss you babe. You never said if you liked our first kiss.
Me: :) I'm sure I did tell you...

... At this point, it's getting a little too much and I don't know what to say anymore. This is how I'm feeling...

 

Sam: Text me some more photos of you

Me: Here you go. But I'd rather see photos of you in Puerto Rico

Sam: Holy cow! You are beautiful. It's amazing here but I am constantly thinking about you. xoxoxoxo

 

Oh geez. I don't respond. Next morning.

 

Sam: I miss you too much! I'd rather be here with you. How are you this morning beautiful?

Me: Hi there. I'm driving in the mountains. Little reception. Later

Sam: I can't wait to see you babe! I miss your beautiful face so much. I forgot to tell you that I think you are beautiful. I can hardly wait to see you and kiss you again!!!

Me: :)

 

But in reality, this is how I'm feeling:

 

 

A few more days of more of the same and I'm responding less and less to the texts. 

 

Sam: Since I haven't told you recently but I think you are beautiful and I REALLY like you!

Me: Awe shucks :) You tell me how much you miss me but I know nothing about your trip

 

Sam finally gives me some details and ends it with this: I just keep thinking how much ore fun it would be if you were here with me! Darn I miss you even more than I thought I would

 

At this point, I realize that I am never going to see Sam again. I'm so done and annoyed. Talk about ruining a relationship via text. Aaaaargh!!!! And these texts keep going on and on and on and at this point, I'm barely responding anymore. Sam gets back to Salt Lake City and tries to line up dates, none of which I accept. Finally he's starting to tell it's done.

 

Sam: Hi honey. Hope your day is going great! I feel like I'm hounding you. You'll tell me if I'm getting on your nerves won't you?

 

I'm feeling... bad, sad, like I've let him on. Wishing I didn't want him to go away. Wishing I was flattered and happy and exciting but I'm not. I am wishing that he would LEAVE ME ALONE.

 

 

I don't respond. First, this came when I was really sick two weeks ago and I didn't have the energy for it. And my brain wasn't working well and I couldn't come up with a nice way to tell him I wasn't interested at all anymore.

 

Sam: Hi Lizzy. I hope this text finds you feeling better. I'm disappointed that I haven't heard back from you but I understand. Good luck and I certainly hope you get well soon. Sam

Me: I'm sorry. I really have been sick and haven't known how to say anything. I was very excited about the possibility of dating. But when you were in Puerto Rico the texts did get to be too much.  I know you didn't mean it to be and at first they were sweet but then it was... searching for the word. and it made me uncomfortable. Does that make sense? Not being eloquent. And I'm sorry for the silence but my brain is still very slow.

Sam: No worries, sorry I made you uncomfortable. Good luck. If you ever feel like going out again, just let me know. I certainly didn't mean to pressure you. I was just excited to have finally met someone I was excited about.  I was just trying to make sure you knew I was interested. Sorry about the discomfort I caused you when you were already sick.

 

Awe... Maybe...

 

 

Me: It's ok. You're really super kind. Let me recover and regroup and we'll go from there

Sam: Perfect! I'll just wait to hear from you

Sam: Don't forget!

 

OMG! GO AWAY I wanted to scream. I don't respond. Next day...

 

Sam: Hi Lizzy. Just checking to see how you are feeling. Miss you!

 

Silence from me. Next day...

 

Sam: Hi gorgeous! Just wondering how you were feeling. You up for a movie one night next week?

 

Silence from me. Next day...

 

Sam: Lizzie, when I first met you, I was completely smitten. You were smart, funny and sexy as hell. The more time we spent together, the more I liked you. I'm not sure what I did that put you off but for whatever it is I'm truly sorry. I really thought you liked me and that we might have had a chance at a great relationship. Good luck. You are a remarkable woman.

 

 

Me: I did like you! And then it got too much. The compliments were sweet at first and then it was overboard. I didn't know how to respond anymore. A few days ago I asked you to give me time to feel better and we would go from there. And the next day it started up again. You're very kind and nice but I don't know what to do with that level of interest

Sam: Sorry I just like to know where I stand. I can be patient. I will wait for you to feel better. Sorry for the pressure. I'm not normally like that. Let me know if you might be interested in the future.

 

I am silent. A few hours later...

 

Sam: I just got a little excited. Forgive me?

 

 

Me: Sam please!!! There is nothing to forgive. You are nice. But I'm overwhelmed. You've done thing wrong. But for me, it is too much! For someone else, it might be fine

 

It's been a week and I haven't heard from Sam. I feel like a led on a really nice guy. And I'm so frustrated because had Sam not been so "in my face" I might have learned to really like him and then all those compliments would have been the best thing ever. But when I only kissed Sam once, and it wasn't even a great kiss, and I saw him just four times for very casual dates, it was too much. In fact, I would wonder how he could miss me when I only saw him once a week?

 

Desperation is never a good trait, at least not for me. The lessons we learn as we are in the dating trenches.

Divorced Moms column: This single mom's version of hell? The dreaded homework packet

No joke, the number one reason I was dreading the start of a new school year? Homework! In all honesty, I hate homework! And today, I am learning to put up boundaries and say no to busy work. Does that make me a bad mom? Well if it does, too bad. My latest on Divorced Moms.

This Single Mom's Version Of Hell? The Dreaded Homework Packet
by Lizzy Smith                     

September 16, 2014

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Since school started several weeks ago, I’ve quickly come to loathe Mondays because that’s the day Siena, my third grader, comes home with her work for the week. And every time I review what needs to be done, I want to cry. I don't let Siena see my reaction but it's getting harder and harder for me to hide it. For the most part, it takes us about two hours per night (for a nine year old) to get through it all. I say "us" because there is no way she can do it all on her own.

There is a list of ten spelling words (which last week included antenna and antennae) plus five bonus words to memorize, another ten vocabulary words that I often have never heard of, 20 sentences to write, four pages of daily math pages, 30 minutes of reading, and additional worksheets that boggle my mind. Plus each Monday she must make flashcards of each vocabulary and spelling word to take with her to school the next day so the kids can work on them in class, too. The whole thing is utterly overwhelming for Siena and it breaks my heart.

Growing up, I was a good student and graduated from college and built a career. How I managed to do this without spending ridiculous hours doing worksheets and mounds of busy work I’ll never know. Because it appears these days, the mindset is that children won’t learn much unless they spend almost as much time at home working on assignments as they do during the school day. And in the younger grades, all that homework means that the parents are doing it right alongside them. Bonding? Hell no. Maybe I shouldn’t care and just send Siena to her room to do it all on her own but I don’t. Yet offering all that help isn’t always that easy because the math assignments make me want to bash my head into a wall. Case in point: Siena is working on rounding numbers. She can round every single number without a problem. But, wait, that’s not good enough. She has to map out how she got to that rounded number. I have no idea how to help her do it and she doesn’t get it either. So instead of getting perfect scores on her math tests, she’s nearly failing them.

Thanks to homework, our evenings have become dreadful. I too often ignore my 14 year old because I can’t spend hours with my younger daughter, make dinner, do dishes, put laundry away and actually talk to anyone else. As for the daughter I spend almost every minute with, it isn’t helping either. Siena too often goes to be tired and frustrated because there is no break for her. She is mentally exhausted.

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