Sunday, April 10, 2016

Why dating again immediately post split is a really bad idea. Do NOT do it!!

I have heard from several readers of late debating the wisdom of splitting from your spouse and then immediately jumping back into the dating scene. Ten to one, my readers agree with me. Many have made this mistake and have lived to regret it. Many have dated men who were fresh off a relationship. They agree that they inherited a fucked up mess in the head. Not fun after the hormones calm down a bit. Many women were the ones who jumped back into dating immediately and also regret it. They feel sorry for the guy who ended up with their messed up heads. They hurt people. They hurt themselves. Anyway, I felt compelled to write about the topic (again) on Divorced Moms. Here it is...

Just Split From Your Hubby? Do NOT Jump Back Into the Dating Game
 Share on Tumblr   
April 05, 2016
635669749540028797Fotolia_67208036_XS.jpgI have written a few articles about dating before one’s divorce is final.
In my opinion, this is total insanity. There are a myriad of reasons why I believe this so strongly. They include:
You need time to emotionally heal
Don’t kid yourself (or anyone else) by claiming that you mourned the end of your marriage while still married. Or that you don’t love the guy anymore (maybe never did). Blah blah blah. Truth is, regardless of the state of your marriage prior to actually moving out and one of you filing for divorce (worse yet, for those who still may be living with their soon-to-be ex), you’re now in a whole new world. Being in a bad marriage, and then transitioning out of it, is a huge change and you need time to process it, reflect on your new life and where you want it to go, and come to terms with the mistakes you made in your marriage. Now is the time to focus on YOU. Get therapy. Start a new work-out routine. Indulge in retail therapy. Go for long walks and meditate. Take a girls-only vacation. Redecorate or re-organize your house. Jumping right into the dating scene will actually hamper your healing process. Sure, finding new love can assuage emotional pain, but feeling pain is part of healing. It must happen. It gets better. 
You’re still married
Call me old fashioned, but marriage matters. With that kind of commitment, the end of your marriage deserves your full attention. Inserting a third party into the mix is a potential disaster. It can cause all kinds of additional hurt feelings and confusion for you, your husband, and your children. Too many people are in too much pain, why add heaps more to satisfy your need to ignore it? 
You need to concentrate
Especially if your divorce is a high conflict one, you need to concentrate on the divorce proceedings. Keep your head in the game, stay clear. If you start dating a new guy, it will take your focus off of things that can have huge ramifications for your financial future. If you feel in love or emotionally “high,” you may be far more likely to rush your divorce to its finality regardless of the terms, which may not be in your best interests at all.
If you have children, they need you!
Your children are likely utterly confused and in unimaginable pain. The last thing they need is for their mom to be showing up with new men. Let them have “just you” for a while. Spend extra time with them—quality time. For every minute you spend looking for a new guy, you could be talking to your children.
It’s not fair to your date
While you’re still an emotional wreck, it simply is not fair to the guy you’re dating. In your transition phase, you are likely not at your best. When you do start dating again, you should be as emotionally healthy as possible, for your sake and his.
I did not follow my own advice and it was a huge mistake. I left my husband and two months later, I had an insatiable desire to see what the dating world was like. It had been so long since I felt love. I wanted to find a new crush and feel passion again. I told everyone (and myself) that I never loved my husband, felt nothing at all when I left him, and was happier than ever now that he was gone. I had mourned my marriage while still married. I was ready to date! Plus, honestly, I just wanted to know what my options were—a single mom of two daughters and with a terrible illness. I was literally going through chemo treatments, I was wearing a wig, and had almost no eyelashes left. Would any guy even want to date me? I had to find out.