Raising girls and developing "body shame"

My latest via Divorced Moms. These days, I'm sort of on a rant about body-shaming, bodies, modesty and rapes. I'll be writing more as soon as I get a minute. A lot of debate in Utah lately about rape, a culture that protects rapists, and victim-blaming-- all thanks to Brigham Young University, which is located in my back yard, lucky me. I'll share more details later. Until then, here's one on how "body shaming" has entered into this moms world as of late. Enjoy!

6 Ways To Prevent Body Shaming In Our Children

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By Lizzy Smith

April 27, 2016

I remember all too well the age when I no longer loved to swim. I was in sixth grade and there was a pool party hosted by my church and I realized that there was no chance in Hell that I was going to put on a swimsuit when there were boys from my school there. I had started developing breasts and hips and I felt fat. I made up an excuse on why I couldn’t be there until later when the swimming ended.

It didn’t help that I was raised in a strict Mormon environment where the girls were prohibited from wearing two-piece swimsuits lest we temp boys into thinking naughty thoughts and perhaps acting on them. It didn’t help that I was told that my body must be covered or I could be responsible for terrible things a boy might think or do. It didn’t help that I was taught by well-meaning church leaders that somehow my body was shameful. Being a teen and having a body that I no longer recognized was hard enough, those messages were seriously damaging. Coping with tampons, greasy hair, and braces was a nightmare. I was a tall gawky mess. I no longer knew what to do with my hair, how to put on makeup, and lacked the skills for putting together a cute outfit. Nothing looked or felt right and I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide.

It was really quite sad because before then, I lived in a swimsuit during warmer months. I loved pools and the beach. I was happy and carefree, just a girl having fun in the sun and water. And then, because of how I felt about my body, it all stopped. Just like that. So sad.

I still struggle with body issues even though I’ve tried really hard to overcome them. Since cancer, I’ve done my best to love my body, flaws and all. I did a boudoir shoot even, walking around a photo studio topless. But still, I look at myself in the mirror and wonder why I don’t look like, well, a list of actresses or models. Instead, I look like… a 48 year old woman.

A few weeks ago, we spent Spring Break in Costa Rica and Nicaragua. It was hot, humid and perfect. I was so happy to leave behind the cold Utah weather and rest in the sun. It was a really hard few months for me this past November and December, as I struggled with chemo and its horrible side effects. I lost my hair and eyelashes. I threw up every day. During those dark moments, I planned this trip. I wanted to go somewhere that felt healing and Costa Rica seemed perfect. Pura Vida, the pure life.

…And then I noticed my beautiful ten-year old daughter putting on a rash-guard over her bikini every day before we went out to the beach or pool. I was sort of happy about it (less sun on her shoulders) but also baffled. Then one afternoon, I pulled out clean clothes for her to wear that included a tank top. She put it on and then begged me for a different top. It dawned on me what was happening—she was ashamed of showing her shoulders. (In the Mormon religion, “porn shoulders” is not an uncommon term; showing shoulders is immodest in many conservative circles). I was horrified and had a little Mommy-daughter chat.

“What are you worried about?” I asked in private, in as sweet a voice as I could muster. “Do not let the crazy women in our neighborhood tell you to be ashamed of your body. It is beautiful and perfect.” I wanted to find someone to blame this on. I was so angry. How do I handle this? When we got home, I called trusted friends and did a little research. Here’s what I learned:

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Here's to Pura Vida, the pure life!

My favorite saying these days? "Pura Vida!" It's my new life's motto and I never want to forget it. Authentic, real, peaceful. My latest column via Divorced Moms.

Living Pura Vida. 8 Steps For Living "The Pure Life"
by Lizzy Smith                    

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April 19, 2016

We just got back from Costa Rica and Nicaragua for my daughters’ Spring Break. For an entire week, we rested in the hot sun (with loads of sunscreen on!), ate amazing grilled fish, veggies and fruit, and recharged. Pura Vida is Costa Rica's motto, which means the “pure life.” But its true meaning goes beyond those two simple words. I went to Best Costa Rican Tours web site because I think they describe this “pura vida” mindset best:

 

Associated with many different English interpretations like “pure life”, “take it easy”, “enjoy life”, “all good”, “purity in life”, “hello”, “goodbye”, “this is life!” and many many more….

 

Pura vida! means that no matter what your current situation is, life for someone else can always be less fortunate than your own. So you need to consider that maybe… just maybe, your situation isn’t all that bad and that no matter how little or how much you have in life, we are all here together and life is short… so start living it “pura vida style.” You want to know what living a peaceful, simple, uncluttered life with a deep appreciation for nature, family and friends, just come to Costa Rica and experience it yourself! PURA VIDA!

I bought a Pura Vida bracelet to remind me that everything that I am, everything that I want to be, is in the meaning of those two simple words: pure life. I've said it before but here I go again: Cancer changes a person. So does divorce. I know many who shut down-- they give in, struggle with depression, and barely function. And there are others who take an opposite approach: life is a gift. Enjoy every moment. Live big and grand.

The latter describes me best. I live the most amazing life I know how. Sure, I struggle with fatigue and fear. But until God calls me home, I am living life with purpose. Purely, authentically, honestly. Throughout my divorce, as hard and ugly as it was, I stayed honest and true to my values. Well, first, I really discovered what my values were and what mattered most. It was a pretty simple list: health, family, relationships, making a positive difference in the world, and creating memories. And then I never waivered from living those values. I might have been in fighting mode during divorce proceedings and chemo; I might have even been a bitch at times. But I stayed authentic ME and I write about it. Raw, honest, always true to, well, TRUTH. Why do I care to document my life? Because it matters to me. It's cathartic. And it will matter to my children one day who will, if they want, learn why their mom made the decisions she did. And, lastly, I know it helps scores of my readers out there to know that they are not alone in their struggles in life. And despite life's tough times, we can still do amazing things, accomplish what we never thought possible, and have loads of fun doing it.

So on our trip to Costa Rica, as I re-commit to living Pura Vida, here's how I try to do it:

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Eliminating Chemicals in Costa Rica

What? Life isn't about great shoes? Ok, it's not, and I learned that the hard way. Before my cancer diagnosis, I was a consumer. Lots of clothes, shoes, furniture, a big house, a vacation house, cars... That was me, shopping and filling up a big storage unit (house) with stuff I didn't need, didn't want all that much, and meant almost nothing to me (minus my favorite Kate Spade handbag and Michael Kors sandals). Life has become a quest to strengthen relationships, create memories, take care of my health, and find joy.


Such is our latest trip to Costa Rica and Nicaragua for my daughter's Spring Break. When we organized the trip, I was looking for a place that would peaceful, restful, healing, and fun. A place where I could continue my physical, emotional, and spiritual recovery from a really hard stem cell transplant that took place over November and December. That took out any location where intensive touring and walking was part of it (like Europe or Asia). Some day, but not now. We settled on an all inclusive swanky resort in Costa Rica.With that as our home base, I could rest and do nothing if I wasn't feeling great while my family could do more aggressive excursions. Or, if I was feeling up to it, I could do a whole lot more.


Turns out, I felt pretty dang good on the entire trip. I didn't sleep much because thanks to the Dex that I'm taking, it just kept me amped up. We flew into the Liberia airport, took a 45-minute shuttle to our hotel, the RIU Palace, and got our room. Unlike a cabin on a cruise, it was spacious. We immediately unpacked and went to the pool, The weather was luscious and hot-- 95 degrees and humid. The next day, we booked tours to Nicaragua for the day, ATV, horseback riding, and a jungle tour. While William and the girls went horseback riding on back roads, I got a 90-minute massage on the beach overlooking the ocean. I concentrated on being in the moment-- listening to the waves crashing on the shore and the birds chirping. It was so peaceful.

Our trip to Nicaragua was a long and grueling day and so worth it. We made it to Granada, which was like a Spanish town. The country was incredibly poor, basic, and beautiful. We ate loads of fresh fish, beans and rice, and grilled veggies and plantains.

I mostly went without my wig except at dinnertime. It felt awesome and amazing. Hats were my best friend, though, to keep the sun out of my face and off of my neck. We laughed, and ate, and ate some more. It was seriously a perfect trip. I came back emotionally and spiritually stronger. Hooray!

We fed wild monkeys, we explored small towns, and saw beautiful life. I bought a bracelet to remember it: Pura Vida. The pure, good, happy life. A mantra I can, do and want to live with every single day.

Go Natural!
But here's something also really cool... William has discovered a new hobby. In his attempts to help me with nutrition, heeling, and life in general, he has started making all natural, pure bath products. Instead of using chemicals all the time, he his helping me eliminate them when it is easy to do. Why not? Many studies show that the stuff in our beauty products can cause cancer-- like the aluminum in deodorants, chemicals in sunscreen, lotions and soaps. So we took with us homemade deodorant and guess what? It is literally the best product on the market. I've tried Tom's all natural. Within hours, you sweat and smell. It's useless. I spent $15 on Schmitts, which I like but it is so pricey! William made ours and it works all day long even in the hot, sweaty Costa Rican sun. He also made all natural sunscreen. It was probably and SPF +50. No chemicals. And it worked! I came back with nary a sunburn. I am super paranoid about sun exposure and this left me confident to walk on the beach in my swimsuit. He also has made bath bombs that I put in my bathtub every night. They have calming, anti-cancer properties that leave my skin feeling moisturized and smelling delicious (thanks, Doterra essential oils, which I also drop under my tongue every night). I'll be writing more about these products one-on-on when later. But if you're interested in details, email me!

With that, I will tell all you cancer survivors out there this: Life must be lived with purpose. It is possible, even when you're sick. When you're feeling horrible, know what you are going to do when you feel better. Reward yourself. You deserve it! For me, it was traveling again and getting some botox and lip fillers. For someone else, maybe it's a puppy, or a new pair of great shoes, signing up for a yoga class, or starting a cancer support group. Whatever you do, LIVE. LIVE as great and as amazing as you can. Because that is what matters. Your relationships matters. Love. Enjoy every day God gives you because it is a gift. It is a gift for EVERYONE but us cancer survivors know it all too well. And be kind and good to yourself.

Peace and love,
Lizzy

Myeloma Crowd: Why excercise rocks for the cancer survivor

Here's my latest via Myeloma Crowd.

Exercise & The Myeloma Patient: Amazing For Your Body & Soul

By Lizzy Smith

In 2012, I was between tandem stem cell transplants and my doctor said I could take a vacation. I almost started crying when he said that. It was a sign that I was still a human, not just a cancer patient, and I deserved to forget about cancer for a bit and re-charge. I purchased flex Amtrak tickets for my two young daughters, parents and brother and we departed from Salt Lake City in the middle of the night. First stop: Chicago– an 18-hour trek. I brought along electric blankets and travel pillows. We settled into our seats and slept. When I woke up, I felt tired and “strange,” dizzy. I watched a few movies, read, ate lunch in the dining car, and took long naps.

We arrived in Chicago to sweltering heat and humidity. Intense fatigue and weakness set in. But sitting in our hotel was not an option for me. I was going to push beyond my comfort level and enjoy my trip. For the next 17-days, we toured Chicago, Washington, DC and New York City. And I discovered something really surprising: When I was resting, I felt all kinds of side effects—fatigue, dizziness, neuropathy, and was breathy. But when I was up and about, those symptoms nearly vanished. Here I was, just weeks post stem cell transplant and I was walking in extreme heat and humidity (temps were 110-degrees and higher) at least ten miles per day, and enjoying it.

When we got back home, I started preparing for my next transplant. I wanted to be as healthy and strong as possible so I started running, albeit slowly and not very far, and power walking almost every day. My second transplant came and went and, as was expected, I felt awful afterwards. When my nursing staff basically said, “see you in 100 days, enjoy your healing break!” I was stunned. “You can’t just cut me off like that! What am I supposed to do?”

Silence.

Ah… the big gap in cancer health. How does one heal after treatment? After researching, it came down to this: Exercise (and eating right, which is a topic for another day). Working out helps patients heal mentally, physically (which I already covered in this article, Why Should The Myeloma Survivor Exercise? Here Are 10 AMAZING Reasons!), emotionally and spiritually.

Mental
Mountains of research shows that exercise is good for the brain. Patients are often left with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). One way to combat this is by moving. If you can’t run a marathon or hike a challenging mountain, start somewhere. Start with walking to your mailbox and work up to shopping Costco and walking every isle.

According to Mayo Clinic, here are some of the mental health benefits cancer survivors can get from exercising:

1. Fewer signs of depression
2. Less anxiety
3. Reduced fatigue
4. Improved mood
5. Higher self-esteem

It is incredibly empowering to finish up a workout and think, “I did that! And I can do it again!” The cancer fight is almost as much a mental game as it is a physical one. Mental strength will help you fight cancer, and heal from it. Exercise will also keep you mentally strong for any battles ahead.

Physical
Myeloma patients are often eligible for various treatments based on overall health. Minus the cancer, are we strong, weak or something in between? If we are too weak for a transplant, we aren’t getting one; if we are too frail for certain medications, we aren’t getting them either. Battling this disease is not just swallowing pills or enduring another needle poke (or at least it should not be!).

So every morning, plan your workout. Put it on your calendar and schedule an hour or two for your physical health. That appointment is as important than anything else on your calendar. Treat it as such.

There is an amazing resource brought to you by the Muscles for Myeloma program. By simply texting MUSCLES4MYELOMA from your mobile phone to (801) 742-7281(801) 742-7281, a coach will send you daily reminders and tips to keep you motivated and committed to exercise. Do it now!

Emotional
Exercise helps improve one emotionally. After my tandem stem cell transplants were over, I was an emotional mess. My almost daily doctor appointments made me feel proactive and powerful in my fight against cancer. Without that, what? I had panic attacks. I was afraid to sleep without the TV on all night. I was afraid to be alone.

And then I discovered Bikram yoga. In those classes, I started meditating and learning how to breathe. I learned calming techniques. I worked my muscles, and I started healing my soul. The panic attacks began ebbing. I started feeling emotionally empowered and, well, at peace.

I’ll tell you one thing: sitting on the couch, eating mounds of cookies, and crying did nothing for me. It didn’t change my reality and it made me feel really awful, inside and out. Exercising was not only a distraction, but a way to feel strong and powerful again. When I relapsed, I was in the best physical shape I could be in, which, I believe, helped me to survive a really tough third transplant. I can’t imagine how much worse my treatment would have been had I gone into it weak, obese, and chronically ill.

Spiritual
Each person walks their own spiritual path so I won’t dwell on this one. Suffice it to say that exercising became an almost spiritual experience for me. I was able to clear my head and have long talks with my Higher Power. It was my time, away from distractions, often among nature. My workout routine is a time of solace, reflection, and long talks with God. Yes, this helps me mentally and physically—and it might just do the same for you.

The bottom line is this: Do what you can. And then each day, do a little more. It really is that simple. One step at a time; one day at a time.

Need inspiration? Join Muscles for Myeloma!
Register Today
Have you joined Muscles for Myeloma yet? If not, you should! By doing so, you’ll get daily tips workout tips and join others in the myeloma community from around the country– building muscles and supporting an amazing cause. Muscles for Myeloma is helping myeloma patients, family, caregivers and friends get more fit. Fitness matters to myeloma patients who are now being segmented into fit, unfit and frail categories for treatment. The more fit the patients, the better treatments they will receive for better outcomes.

Home as Sanctuary: Building our Children Up, Not Tearing Them Down

My latest thoughts on parenting children. Life is a lesson for me. I wish I had the answers and did it all perfectly. I don't. But I try to use the nuggets of advice I learn along the way. Here's one via Divorced Moms.

Building Our Children Up, Not Tearing Them Down. A Candid Chat

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BY LIZZY SMITH

April 08, 2016

Several days ago, I was watching TV and caught a tiny piece of an interview with mega-church pastor and best-selling author, Joel Osteen. I am not a follower of his, know almost nothing about him, and have never read any of his books. But something he said struck me, and I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. This is not a direct quote, but it went something like this: People are figuratively beat up all day in life, they don’t need to come to church to hear more of it. In his ministry, he tries to build people up. A quick Google search and I found one of his quotes:

“I don’t like to beat people down. They need to be lifted up.”

This snippet came at a really crucial time for me as I raise my two daughters. My oldest, who is almost 16-years old, does not handles stress that well, and she has a lot of it. With massive amounts of homework, a very tough academic schedule, cheerleading practice three times per week, soccer practice and games two to three times per week, and a Sunday where we all head off to church for an hour, she is kept hopping busy. Add to that, in the winter she goes snowboarding at least once, if not twice, per weekend. She applied for an internship/summer job with the U.S. Forest Service (we don’t know if she’ll be selected yet), we have several family trips planned, and she is thinking about taking a couple of classes on-line to get ahead, she is really stressed out. Sometimes she breaks down and cries. Insomnia sets in. My younger daughter, too, has a busy schedule, though she spends more time trying to (creatively) get out of things instead of taking them head-on, like her sister.

Though I have mellowed since my cancer diagnosis in 2012, I still have traces of my Type A personality. I can be like a drill-sergeant at times, barking out orders to my daughters.

“Is your room clean?”

“Did you take care of the cat?”

“How is your homework? Let me see it.”

“Pull up your grades on-line and let’s take a look.”

“Did you put your dishes away?”

“What are your plans this weekend and with whom? What time are you going to be home and what are you wearing?”

…And most of these questions or requests come one after the other, quick, with an expectations for an answer RIGHT NOW. Sort of like my old and very intimidating boss used to do.

After hearing the Joel Osteen quote, however, I wondered what I could be doing better that would leave my children feeling more up-lifted? I cannot control the world, and I can’t take away all of their stress, and sometimes out there, they are "beaten down." And part of becoming an adult is learning, as a child, how to handle age-appropriate problems and living with their consequences. I only want to intentionally step in to ease the burden of life just “so much.” But I do want to provide a home environment where my daughters feel loved and supported once they step through the front door. I want home to be a refuge, a place of peace (or as much peace as a family can ever offer) and acceptance.

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Why dating again immediately post split is a really bad idea. Do NOT do it!!

I have heard from several readers of late debating the wisdom of splitting from your spouse and then immediately jumping back into the dating scene. Ten to one, my readers agree with me. Many have made this mistake and have lived to regret it. Many have dated men who were fresh off a relationship. They agree that they inherited a fucked up mess in the head. Not fun after the hormones calm down a bit. Many women were the ones who jumped back into dating immediately and also regret it. They feel sorry for the guy who ended up with their messed up heads. They hurt people. They hurt themselves. Anyway, I felt compelled to write about the topic (again) on Divorced Moms. Here it is...

Just Split From Your Hubby? Do NOT Jump Back Into the Dating Game

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BY LIZZY SMITH

April 05, 2016

I have written a few articles about dating before one’s divorce is final.

Tempted to Date A Guy Who Just Split With His Wife? You're Nuts

Important Lessons From A Guy Who Dated Immediately Post Split

In my opinion, this is total insanity. There are a myriad of reasons why I believe this so strongly. They include:

You need time to emotionally heal

Don’t kid yourself (or anyone else) by claiming that you mourned the end of your marriage while still married. Or that you don’t love the guy anymore (maybe never did). Blah blah blah. Truth is, regardless of the state of your marriage prior to actually moving out and one of you filing for divorce (worse yet, for those who still may be living with their soon-to-be ex), you’re now in a whole new world. Being in a bad marriage, and then transitioning out of it, is a huge change and you need time to process it, reflect on your new life and where you want it to go, and come to terms with the mistakes you made in your marriage. Now is the time to focus on YOU. Get therapy. Start a new work-out routine. Indulge in retail therapy. Go for long walks and meditate. Take a girls-only vacation. Redecorate or re-organize your house. Jumping right into the dating scene will actually hamper your healing process. Sure, finding new love can assuage emotional pain, but feeling pain is part of healing. It must happen. It gets better. 

You’re still married

Call me old fashioned, but marriage matters. With that kind of commitment, the end of your marriage deserves your full attention. Inserting a third party into the mix is a potential disaster. It can cause all kinds of additional hurt feelings and confusion for you, your husband, and your children. Too many people are in too much pain, why add heaps more to satisfy your need to ignore it? 

You need to concentrate

Especially if your divorce is a high conflict one, you need to concentrate on the divorce proceedings. Keep your head in the game, stay clear. If you start dating a new guy, it will take your focus off of things that can have huge ramifications for your financial future. If you feel in love or emotionally “high,” you may be far more likely to rush your divorce to its finality regardless of the terms, which may not be in your best interests at all.

If you have children, they need you!

Your children are likely utterly confused and in unimaginable pain. The last thing they need is for their mom to be showing up with new men. Let them have “just you” for a while. Spend extra time with them—quality time. For every minute you spend looking for a new guy, you could be talking to your children.

It’s not fair to your date

While you’re still an emotional wreck, it simply is not fair to the guy you’re dating. In your transition phase, you are likely not at your best. When you do start dating again, you should be as emotionally healthy as possible, for your sake and his.

I did not follow my own advice and it was a huge mistake. I left my husband and two months later, I had an insatiable desire to see what the dating world was like. It had been so long since I felt love. I wanted to find a new crush and feel passion again. I told everyone (and myself) that I never loved my husband, felt nothing at all when I left him, and was happier than ever now that he was gone. I had mourned my marriage while still married. I was ready to date! Plus, honestly, I just wanted to know what my options were—a single mom of two daughters and with a terrible illness. I was literally going through chemo treatments, I was wearing a wig, and had almost no eyelashes left. Would any guy even want to date me? I had to find out.

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